A newly divorced friend was intrigued by my philosophy about dating so many men. She said, “I just couldn’t do that. I don’t want to date anyone I wouldn’t see myself marrying.”
She is not alone. This is many women’s philosophy. She says she is too busy to spend time with someone she doesn’t think she might marry.
I understand her point of view. Dating takes time. I, too, have cut off dating someone I knew wasn’t a match. It wouldn’t be fair to him to lead him on.
On the other hand, I’ve had dates with men who I wasn’t sure were a match or not. Sometimes you know on the first date it’s not a match. But sometimes you don’t know until after the second, third, or additional dates.
In fact, I’ve gone out with men who were a nanosecond away from receiving my “Thanks, but no thanks” message,
but something compelled me to write a more thoughtful note. If he responded positively with why he thought we could be a good match, I might be convinced to continue the correspondence, perhaps progressing to a phone call and maybe an eventual date. Some of these nanosecond-away-from-being-deleted guys have turned out to be treasures as pals.
And some of those nearly deleted guys have ended up as beaus. I’ve found you just don’t know if the connection is 
there until you meet someone. Although, sometimes you know in email or the phone if they are paranoid, sex-focused, foul-mouthed, angry, manipulative, self-focused, poor conversationalists or have other deal-breaking habits. Then there’s no need to meet. But if all lights are green, why not meet and see if they stay green, or if yellow or red flashes?
A guy pal said he sometimes continued dating someone he knew wasn’t a match because they liked some of the same activities. In his mind, someone, even a not-long-term match, was better than experiencing pastimes alone. This could be okay as long as you both agree you aren’t a long-term match, and that your seeing each other casually doesn’t slow down your search for a long-term mate.
Where do you stand on this? Do you only want to date someone you think has long-term potential? Or will you date more than a few times someone you know isn’t a good match?
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Comments
5 responses to ““I only want to date someone I would marry””
I date for fun. That’s it. I make it clear up front that I’m not looking for a long term relationship and if that’s what they’re looking for, they should look elsewhere. I’ve had nothing but a great time dating since becoming single again seven years ago. (I had a great time dating when I was pre-marriage single, as well.)
Of course, I don’t think a long term relationship is something to “look” for. It just happens. And I am positive that I could never know whether or not someone is right for me to marry until I’ve known them quite awhile. I’ve had four marriage proposals since my divorce. I’ve considered all of them seriously. But time revealed that none of them was a good match (or, more likely, that I wasn’t). Since then, I’ve realized that marriage is not for me. I do see myself eventually settling on one man (my current beau and I having been together for over a year now), but I don’t see any reason to get the law involved! 🙂
I’m not looking for marriage, either, but I would like a long-term relationship. I don’t think it’s fair to the guy to keep dating him when I know I’m not really attracted to him. It feels too much like using him, so I generally end it if I think there’s no long-term potential there. I’ve kept a few as friends, but the non-attraction has to be mutual for that to work.
Nancy — You are doing the right thing by letting them go when there isn’t an attraction. That is the hardest part of dating.
I guess the “dating for fun” mentality is only “fun” for people who are not worried about being hurt or discarded because you are not what the guy wants “long term”. I’m looking for something long-term with marriage as a possible option for the future. There are emotions involved with most people, even for casual dates. I don’t take dating lightly as I am well aware of emotions and try like hell not to hurt other people. The same cannot be said with some of my previous dating relationships. I’ve become jaded and bitter with some past experiences and I fear that is only going to hinder any future dating prospects. I see why some people choose to not ever venture into the dating world, however, having no one in your life is not very encouraging either.
Hi Misty:
My best suggestion is to take a little longer before actually meeting face-to-face, but not too long. I can tell a lot in a week by what he writes and asks in emails and on the phone, and if he calls when he says he will. I’ve learned to do a bit more screening. If a guy takes a week to respond to your emails without a viable “out of town” or “hideous deadline” excuse, it says to me he’s either too disorganized for me, or not that interested. Fine. I move on before the coffee date, saving us both time.