Looking for a connection

“I’ve had a lot of sex in my life. I’m looking for a connection. Sex is an important element in a long-term relationship, but it’s not the only important thing.” My jaw was agape as I heard him share his philosophy.

I admit it. I’ve come to expect the polar opposite from midlife men in the dating scene. Not that they can’t be great guys. But — at least in my three years of dating — it is a very rare man who doesn’t want or expect sex reasonably soon in a dating relationship. Somehow the concept of a woman wanting/needing an emotional connection is elusive to nearly all the men I’ve gone out with. Is it that I tend to attract horn dogs? Or are there just more of them involved in Internet dating?

The man who said he wanted a connection was unique. I hadn’t encountered anyone like him. I asked him what made him have this point of view.

“A lot of personal development work. I saw that in my past dating relationships I’d put too much emphasis on sex and pressed for it before I really knew the woman. We’d wake up next to each other a few months after beginning dating and realize we didn’t really know if we had compatible values, goals, or beliefs. Our relationship was based mostly on sex. And I decided I wanted more.”

I could have kissed him right then. But he was driving, so I saved it for later.

unicornI’d heard there are men out there like this — in fact many of our male DG readers are, based on their comments. But to actually be dating one — I felt like I’d come upon a unicorn. Single men like this are rumored to be out there, but encountering one personally — what a treat.

Have you dated men who wanted a solid connection before becoming sexual? If so, how has that worked out?

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17 responses to “Looking for a connection”

  1. Tilly Avatar

    Actually….I met someone 4 years ago, and we went on several dates but never had sex and it was never brought up either. The man was a pure gentleman. We somehow lost connection due to living so far apart and the normal busy lives, but we have just met up again, and had 2 dates again, and still no sex (but it has been brought up this time, and both of us feel comfortable ‘mentioning’ it). He is the only one I have ever gone out with who has not made sexual advances right off the bat πŸ™‚

  2. Gray Ghost Avatar
    Gray Ghost

    Hi DG,
    I’m one of those many males in the group that you reference to and I’m in the beginnings stages of a relationship and this woman is as amazed by my behavior as you expressed about your date. And no matter how much I’ve offered to give names so she can check with my friends about me, I ‘think’ she’s still very scared that I’m going to turn into that ‘prototypical’ guy.
    Gray Ghost
    In process of returning home from Germany

  3. Dating Goddess Avatar

    GrayGhost: See, I knew men who frequented this blog are different! Another unicorn! There must be a herd of you.

  4. Rodney Avatar

    Im in the herd πŸ™‚

    If there is no connection, and more importantly, no commitment to each other, then I not only think its wrong, but ultimately its unfulfilling. Id rather wait.

  5. RedFred Avatar

    Count me a member of the herd too. Until you know the person, it is just sex for the sake of sex. That’s soooo wrong. Sex between two people should be because they are committed to each other. You can’t make a commitment until you know the person.

  6. Dating Goddess Avatar

    What a great herd of men we have here!

    I don’t fault those who want recreational sex — that’s their choice, and at this age they know the pros and cons.

    But am glad to hear from men who want to wait until there is a strong connection before going there. How refreshing! I wonder where this herd’s mating grounds are so we can find them in their native habitat. Maybe there’s a petting zoo where we can visit these rare creatures. πŸ™‚

  7. Jeff Mac Avatar

    Yeah, I have to claim membership in that herd. Not that I haven’t “tried” to be more casual about sex. But I always just end up feeling horrible about the whole thing — even when everybody’s very aware that casual is all it’s going to be. It just feels crappy afterwards.

    It’s funny though, I almost feel like this should be a secret — like it’ll get my man card revoked.

    (Oh and don’t look for the mating grounds for this herd — if there is such a place, the players found out about it long ago, and have already infiltrated.)

  8. walt Avatar

    I like the quote attributed to the gentleman in the first paragraph of your post, but I see no conflict between that and wanting sex “reasonably soon” in a dating relationship. I also am looking for a long-term connection, and I’ve got to believe that most single mid-life men are also. On the other hand, If I begin to maker a connection with someone, I see no reason to wait excessively long before enjoying sex with her. In fact, the few times I have waited more than 4 or 5 dates, the woman I’m dating has become the sexual aggressor. I think people will assume there’s something wrong if you wait too long. I think taking the relationship into the bedroom allows it to move forward and deepen. Of course, I understand that women need to be wary of guys who are just looking for sex.

    So, I guess I’m not part of the herd.

  9. Sassy Avatar

    RedFred, I’m not sure I need a “committment” before sex, but I definately need to believe that there is something about this person that is special and that he is not just looking for a roll in the hay. I guess I’m in the middle on this one. Too long and I would wonder. Too soon and it’s just shallow.

    I’ve dated a man and we waited 30 days before we got really physical with each other. It was our way of making sure that we were looking for something more than sex. However, even with this thoughtful move, it didn’t mean that the relationship lived to be a long-term one.

  10. Dave Avatar

    I have been seeing a very nice lady for 9 months and things are proceeding very slowly in all areas of intimacy. I like her a lot and would of course like to have sex, but we have not discussed it and I would feel uncomfortable with sex if we were not ‘exclusive’ with each other.

    So, what is a general ‘good and safe time’ to pass until one of us brings the subject up? This question is out to all of you, who along with me, say that we would rather know someone…..

  11. Ally Avatar

    Dave – I would think the subject of sex would come up at least by month 3 or 4, so if it’s been 9 months, I’d have to ask ‘why?’ At that point aren’t you solidly in the dreaded ‘friends zone?’

    I appreciate Walt’s comment, because I’m dating a man who I’ve pushed along on the sex front. It concerns me slightly, because I’m used to dating men who wanted sex early, ahead of my comfort zone, but that set the expectation. I had advocated the ‘3-month rule’ in recent years, which my male friends thought was ridiculous. With this man, however, because he is more interested in a relationship, I’m getting tripped up. I find myself wondering whether he’s got a low sex drive (I don’t think so), isn’t ‘in to me’ (he likes spending time with me and cuddling – cuddling!, however), so like DG, I’m thrown a bit. I’m being retrained…

  12. Another Ellen Avatar
    Another Ellen

    My current rule for myself is, don’t have sex until I’m fairly certain we’ll have something to talk about over the breakfast table. Or over the dinner table, for that matter. Too often in the past I’ve coupled with someone who didn’t fulfill that requirement. The sex made us seem like a couple, but in reality I didn’t particularly like the guy. So maybe the rule is, don’t have sex until I know I like the guy, know he likes me, and know I’m going to see him again.

    There’s also a host of things to discuss before having sex: STDs, birth control (for some of us) or hot flashes (for others), kids and/or pets (depending on which you have to get home to), coffee preferences, what you want sexually…conversations that depend on a certain level of emotional intimacy or at least comfort.

    I’m not morally opposed to just hooking up for sex if you don’t feel used or mislead or just icky afterwards, but I don’t have much desire to do that at this stage in my life.

  13. Dave Avatar

    Thanks Ally, I felt that things were slow and I find that I may be pushing the envelope with her. I am looking for another lady to date.

  14. hunter Avatar

    to DG,

    meet them at a Petting Zoo!….how funny!…..he, he, he,,,,guys,..please,,,,I sense, DG, does not believe a word you are saying………

  15. bookyone Avatar

    Maybe there’s a petting zoo where we can visit these rare creatures.

    Send me the address, please! In return, I’ll send you some homemade chocolate chip cookies and I do bake one heck of a cookie. πŸ™‚

    Best wishes from bookyone πŸ™‚

  16. hunter Avatar

    to bookyone,

    ha! he, ehe, how funny!…..check with DG on that, ’cause it used to be, the petting farm came only once a year to the local shopping center….hmmmh…

  17. Gray Ghost Avatar
    Gray Ghost

    to bookyone, ummm, give me about another 3 weeks and I can supply the petting zoo address for this specimen. As my ‘tag line’ reads, I’m in the process of getting relocated back to the US from germany courtesy of the US government, which was part of what was throwing the lady I am dating into a loop, because I wasn’t dragging her into the sack before I left because it will be a long separation.
    To hunter, sorry dude, this is the real deal, at least for me. Some of us do still believe in honor, values and commitments, though alot of my friends think I ought to be committed to protect myself from vultures and vampires, but……….
    Gray Ghost
    Back in the States but not home yet………