“I’ve had a lot of sex in my life. I’m looking for a connection. Sex is an important element in a long-term relationship, but it’s not the only important thing.” My jaw was agape as I heard him share his philosophy.
I admit it. I’ve come to expect the polar opposite from midlife men in the dating scene. Not that they can’t be great guys. But — at least in my three years of dating — it is a very rare man who doesn’t want or expect sex reasonably soon in a dating relationship. Somehow the concept of a woman wanting/needing an emotional connection is elusive to nearly all the men I’ve gone out with. Is it that I tend to attract horn dogs? Or are there just more of them involved in Internet dating?
The man who said he wanted a connection was unique. I hadn’t encountered anyone like him. I asked him what made him have this point of view.
“A lot of personal development work. I saw that in my past dating relationships I’d put too much emphasis on sex and pressed for it before I really knew the woman. We’d wake up next to each other a few months after beginning dating and realize we didn’t really know if we had compatible values, goals, or beliefs. Our relationship was based mostly on sex. And I decided I wanted more.”
I could have kissed him right then. But he was driving, so I saved it for later.
I’d heard there are men out there like this — in fact many of our male DG readers are, based on their comments. But to actually be dating one — I felt like I’d come upon a unicorn. Single men like this are rumored to be out there, but encountering one personally — what a treat.
Have you dated men who wanted a solid connection before becoming sexual? If so, how has that worked out?
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Actually….I met someone 4 years ago, and we went on several dates but never had sex and it was never brought up either. The man was a pure gentleman. We somehow lost connection due to living so far apart and the normal busy lives, but we have just met up again, and had 2 dates again, and still no sex (but it has been brought up this time, and both of us feel comfortable ‘mentioning’ it). He is the only one I have ever gone out with who has not made sexual advances right off the bat 🙂
Hi DG,
I’m one of those many males in the group that you reference to and I’m in the beginnings stages of a relationship and this woman is as amazed by my behavior as you expressed about your date. And no matter how much I’ve offered to give names so she can check with my friends about me, I ‘think’ she’s still very scared that I’m going to turn into that ‘prototypical’ guy.
Gray Ghost
In process of returning home from Germany
Im in the herd 🙂
If there is no connection, and more importantly, no commitment to each other, then I not only think its wrong, but ultimately its unfulfilling. Id rather wait.
Count me a member of the herd too. Until you know the person, it is just sex for the sake of sex. That’s soooo wrong. Sex between two people should be because they are committed to each other. You can’t make a commitment until you know the person.
Yeah, I have to claim membership in that herd. Not that I haven’t “tried” to be more casual about sex. But I always just end up feeling horrible about the whole thing — even when everybody’s very aware that casual is all it’s going to be. It just feels crappy afterwards.
It’s funny though, I almost feel like this should be a secret — like it’ll get my man card revoked.
(Oh and don’t look for the mating grounds for this herd — if there is such a place, the players found out about it long ago, and have already infiltrated.)
I like the quote attributed to the gentleman in the first paragraph of your post, but I see no conflict between that and wanting sex “reasonably soon” in a dating relationship. I also am looking for a long-term connection, and I’ve got to believe that most single mid-life men are also. On the other hand, If I begin to maker a connection with someone, I see no reason to wait excessively long before enjoying sex with her. In fact, the few times I have waited more than 4 or 5 dates, the woman I’m dating has become the sexual aggressor. I think people will assume there’s something wrong if you wait too long. I think taking the relationship into the bedroom allows it to move forward and deepen. Of course, I understand that women need to be wary of guys who are just looking for sex.
So, I guess I’m not part of the herd.
RedFred, I’m not sure I need a “committment” before sex, but I definately need to believe that there is something about this person that is special and that he is not just looking for a roll in the hay. I guess I’m in the middle on this one. Too long and I would wonder. Too soon and it’s just shallow.
I’ve dated a man and we waited 30 days before we got really physical with each other. It was our way of making sure that we were looking for something more than sex. However, even with this thoughtful move, it didn’t mean that the relationship lived to be a long-term one.
to DG,
meet them at a Petting Zoo!….how funny!…..he, he, he,,,,guys,..please,,,,I sense, DG, does not believe a word you are saying………
to bookyone,
ha! he, ehe, how funny!…..check with DG on that, ’cause it used to be, the petting farm came only once a year to the local shopping center….hmmmh…
to bookyone, ummm, give me about another 3 weeks and I can supply the petting zoo address for this specimen. As my ‘tag line’ reads, I’m in the process of getting relocated back to the US from germany courtesy of the US government, which was part of what was throwing the lady I am dating into a loop, because I wasn’t dragging her into the sack before I left because it will be a long separation.
To hunter, sorry dude, this is the real deal, at least for me. Some of us do still believe in honor, values and commitments, though alot of my friends think I ought to be committed to protect myself from vultures and vampires, but……….
Gray Ghost
Back in the States but not home yet………