Dating-over-40 advice by the Dating Goddess™
He is smart, funny, charming, good looking, worldly, educated, successful, a sharp dresser, good listener and conversationalist. He tells you what you long to hear. He is vulnerable with you and you with him. His kisses and caresses make you feel what you haven’t felt in a long, long time. He tells you how sexy and adorable you are, and how much he misses being with you.
You met through business, not online, so you know he’s not a player.
Yet there are things about him that on paper would be deal breakers.
I dated a sweet man who grew up in an African village. He came to the US at age 19 to go to school.
I loved hearing his stories of growing up in his village, living in mud huts, bathing in the nearby river, gathering water from a pond, making fire from sticks and moss, walking miles to sell eggs and chickens at the market, and other examples of a life I couldn’t imagine. He regaled me with his tribe’s welcome-to-manhood ceremony and other rites of passage.
The phrase “keeping it 100” comes from “keeping it 100% real,” meaning being 100% honest. It’s shorthand for no BS, don’t tell me what you think I want to hear, tell me the unvarnished truth. Don’t hold back.
I decided to try this with a man while we were exploring going from pals to more. His life is complicated right now, uncoupling from a long-term relationship. I wanted to understand his emotional state, goals and desires. I needed to determine if it made sense to become closer during this challenging time, or whether it would be best for all if we stayed pals and revisited becoming romantic after he was fully unencumbered.
A man may enter your life who does not hold the work title or financial status you are seeking. But he’s a good man. He is honest, has integrity, treats you respectfully, listens to you, and is accommodating to your desires.
The “what” is his profession. The “who” is his character, values and behavior.
It’s commonly said that women try to change their man into someone more to their ideal. Men, however, are afraid women will change, as they like what they have.
Not that a man can’t wish a woman was a better cook, was more punctual, neater, or had other habits he liked. But (generally) he won’t hound her, unlike women (generally).
My experience is men won’t tell you when they are fully accepting of who you are, warts and all.
Midlife men have said and done many things that caused me to think, “What??? The examples and my lessons fill Embracing Midlife Men: Insights Into Curious Behaviors. Just when I think I have a handle on what goes on in men’s heads, I’m confronted with a new curiosity.
Good hot cocoa and good sex can both be delicious and satisfying. When each is good, it puts a smile on your face. You feel warm and happy afterwards. You often want more. When shared with someone you care about, they are fun and a great way to spend some time and you don’t say no when either is proposed.
The beginning of getting to know someone is both energizing and frightening. The energy comes from enjoying the conversation and fantasizing about what could be.
The frightening part comes from remembering past first encounters that didn’t result in a second. If you found the man appealing and wanted to see him again but he felt otherwise, the rejection stings.
A friend’s 35-year-old son accompanied his father and step-mother to visit me recently. I’d gotten to know him as a young man and he was in town so they wanted us all to catch up.
He’s a nice guy, but he has some “issues” most women would have a hard time getting around. As he shared that he’s had trouble getting a girlfriend I had to bite my tongue from saying, “I can understand why.”
“Clingy” has different definitions to different people. Some like their space, while others like to be continually touching when together. Others like to show their affection often and in public and some are more reserved.
After a few good phone conversations, we agreed to meet for afternoon coffee. It was a beautiful perfect-weather day, so I decided to wear a cute summer outfit. I spent an hour taking a shower, dressing and getting my cute on.
Arriving early, I staked out an outdoor table at the coffee shop. He called to say he just drove by and was parking. That was thoughtful.
I love that song by Gotye. I think it encapsulates the lingering hurt many of us feel after an unpleasant breakup.
When I first heard the song, I immediately thought the title perfectly reflected my feelings about my ex. I didn’t have the resentment expressed in the lyrics, but the title seemed to fit. However, after 20 years together, how could he really be just be someone I used to know? Yes, it did feel like it was eons ago — another lifetime — that we were together. Yet there are sweet memories of the times we shared.
But some recent news of his enduring some serious health challenges made me want to understand what he was going through. Last Spring, when he was diagnosed with cancer, he began recording 5-minute updates for his pals to understand what was happening without having to update dozens of people individually. He uploaded them to a public site, so when a mutual friend shared his situation had worsened, I listened to over 100 of the 134 podcasts, starting with the first one.
You may have heard there’s a new smartphone app named “Yo.”
It allows the sender to send a message: Yo.
And the responder can respond with “Yo.”
That’s it. That’s all it does.
Wonder why you’d want such an app?
When one ends a first date, sometimes it’s awkward. You’re not sure if he enjoyed himself as much as you did. You’re waiting for a clue he did. Sometimes it’s in what he says as you’re saying goodbye.
“I’d love to see you again,” is a sure sign.
“I had a great time and would love to take you to dinner.” Even better.
“I’ll call you.” Not so much, as few do.
“Take care.” Not likely you’ll ever hear from him again.
As people age, some become happier and more care free, choosing to look at each day as a blessing, and not to sweat small inconveniences.
Others seem to focus more on pointing out any inconvenience to those who they think caused it — or anyone within earshot.
I’d been told that during my search for my next love I’d encounter more of the latter than the former. Grumps who were set in their ways, and are quick to point out anything that didn’t match their view of how the world should be.
My post-divorce dating has not yielded a beau who liked — or had the means — to travel. I love to travel so have scratched my itch by traveling with or meeting up with friends.
That doesn’t mean I haven’t been invited to travel with men, but unfortunately, they’ve been men I haven’t yet met or had met only once or twice. I knew they were really just looking for a travel partner with benefits, as they asked me to share their cruise cabin or their hotel room. I wanted to avoid being stuck on another continent with someone who was ponderous or obnoxious.
I’m now getting to know a man who lives 500 miles away and has travel benefits from retiring from an airline. Several times a month he travels cross country to visit family, or abroad for a brief respite. In our initial call, he offered that one of the benefits to his future sweetheart was as much travel as she wanted. I teased him, “We haven’t even met and you’re already sweetening the pot!”
And it is indeed a sweetener, as I love exploring new places and visiting friends abroad.
However, there are some drawbacks.
