Dating-over-40 advice by the Dating Goddess™
He is smart, funny, charming, good looking, worldly, educated, successful, a sharp dresser, good listener and conversationalist. He tells you what you long to hear. He is vulnerable with you and you with him. His kisses and caresses make you feel what you haven’t felt in a long, long time. He tells you how sexy and adorable you are, and how much he misses being with you.
You met through business, not online, so you know he’s not a player.
Yet there are things about him that on paper would be deal breakers.
I dated a sweet man who grew up in an African village. He came to the US at age 19 to go to school.
I loved hearing his stories of growing up in his village, living in mud huts, bathing in the nearby river, gathering water from a pond, making fire from sticks and moss, walking miles to sell eggs and chickens at the market, and other examples of a life I couldn’t imagine. He regaled me with his tribe’s welcome-to-manhood ceremony and other rites of passage.
The phrase “keeping it 100” comes from “keeping it 100% real,” meaning being 100% honest. It’s shorthand for no BS, don’t tell me what you think I want to hear, tell me the unvarnished truth. Don’t hold back.
I decided to try this with a man while we were exploring going from pals to more. His life is complicated right now, uncoupling from a long-term relationship. I wanted to understand his emotional state, goals and desires. I needed to determine if it made sense to become closer during this challenging time, or whether it would be best for all if we stayed pals and revisited becoming romantic after he was fully unencumbered.
A man may enter your life who does not hold the work title or financial status you are seeking. But he’s a good man. He is honest, has integrity, treats you respectfully, listens to you, and is accommodating to your desires.
The “what” is his profession. The “who” is his character, values and behavior.
It’s commonly said that women try to change their man into someone more to their ideal. Men, however, are afraid women will change, as they like what they have.
Not that a man can’t wish a woman was a better cook, was more punctual, neater, or had other habits he liked. But (generally) he won’t hound her, unlike women (generally).
My experience is men won’t tell you when they are fully accepting of who you are, warts and all.
Are you likely to webcam chat with a man you haven’t met? There can be pros and cons.
I don’t encourage web chats — in fact, I refuse to turn on my webcam even though it’s built into my computer. But potential suitors turn theirs on, so who am I to refuse their invitation?
The video component gives you a much better sense of the man than static photos — some of which are often decades old. You can see his facial expressions, how he laughs, and what part of his home looks like.
And it can create a sense of connectedness — which can be good or not.
When a man says, “Let’s get together Saturday night,” do you take that as a possibility or a promise?
I take it as a promise. If he says, “Let’s do lunch sometime,” as many acquaintances do, I view that as a possibility — a remote one, more of a nicety than necessity. No fixed date is stated. But giving a time frame, even if no specific time, is a promise in my mind.
You are probably thinking, “Who needs proof that men lose their ability to think when they are aroused?” We know this anecdotally, and men will agree, so we’re not man bashing. But in his book Predictably Irrational author Dan Ariely cites a study he conducted that gives us empirical evidence.
Sometimes we get lessons on dating — and life — from unusual sources.
The sand painter arrived early for the demonstration at the Arizona resort. He looked different than I expected — I made the stereotypical assumption that the demo would be by a Native American. He was not.
People often ask why I continue to communicate with new men after I’ve met one for coffee, or even accepted a second date. Why, they ask, don’t I just stop communicating with others and stay focused on one at a time?
Dating is, to some degree, a numbers game.
I know — usually it’s three strikes before someone is out. But in dating sometimes all you need are two interactions with a man to decide he’s out.
In dating relationships, it’s easy to ignore your guy’s disrespectful behaviors or indicators that he isn’t for you. You justify it by saying that you like many things about him so you’re willing to overlook some less-than-perfect behaviors.
But you’re just being an ostrich burying your head in the sand of romance.
He was funny and intelligent during the 4 calls prior to our drink date. His pictures in his online profile were a bit fuzzy, but nothing odious. Our conversation assured me he wasn’t a sex maniac, egomaniac, nor a maniac of any kind. Although it did give me some pause that he was 57 and never married.
We decided to meet in the bar of a nice nearby hotel tonight. I felt I’d sufficiently vetted him to ensure we’d have an enjoyable time.
Salacious. Risqué. Erotic. Nekked.
You didn’t request them. He didn’t ask if you wanted them. He just sent them. Of him — or various parts of him.
I dated a man for 6 months who was going through financial difficulty. When I asked why we didn’t see each other more than once every 10 days or so, he said he didn’t want to see me without being able to take me out. I explained that I was more interested in getting to know him than on his ability to entertain me. He said, “Romance takes finance.”
