Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Blog

  • When you’re clear on what you want, it appears

    In the past year I attended both the Toronto and San Jose Film Festivals. I loved screening yet-to-be-released films followed by live commentary from the writers, directors and stars. I delighted in the experience so much, I thought, “I’d like to be with someone in the movie business. It would be fun to hang out with people in the industry.”

    A few months later, enter Rocket Man. In our first week’s hours-long phone conversations and daily multiple emails, he’s already invited me to Academy-members-only film viewings and — get this — the Academy Awards ceremony! Serendipity? Maybe. Maybe not.

    You may be saying, “I’m clear on what I want! I want a loving, mature, romantic, fun-loving, financially sound, emotionally available guy who will treat me well. So why haven’t I found him yet?” I understand your frustration.

    shipping departmentDoug Hooper, an early mentor and author of You Are What You Think, said our wishes go to a giant shipping department in the sky. Sometimes the shipping clerk receives what seems is an incomplete order. The clerk needs to know how tall should your guy be? How old? How close to you should he be living? Should he want to have kids? Your “unit” can’t be shipped until you fill in the missing info. But the clerk doesn’t have a way to tell you the info is missing, so you become frustrated.

    Unfortunately, sometimes the orders get lost. You need to keep sending your order, but each time check for completeness. Add anything you notice is missing. I’ve written down my order. (See “What’s your ‘perfect boyfriend’s’ job description?“)

    Sometimes the order is complete, but the “unit” is unavailable or still being completed to your specs. Maybe he’s currently with someone else so you have to wait weeks or months for him to become available. Or maybe he’s still bitter about his last relationship and if you were to meet him now, he wouldn’t be emotionally available. The shipping department waits until he’s ready to be shipped to you. Or maybe it’s you who’s not quite ready, even though you think you are.

    However, you also have to be willing to accept what the universe ships, if he’s close to what you want. No one is 100% perfect. Even the Earth-bound shipping process sometimes causes some damage in transit. You wanted a guy with a full head of hair and your current guy is perfect except he’s bald? So what! He has a little baggage left over from the last relationship? I bet you do, too. Sometimes the best “units” — like priceless antiques — have slight dents or scratches.

    Should you accept partial shipments? A guy who’s only 50% of what you want? In “Building your Franken-boyfriend” I discuss how great it would be if you could combine the desired characteristics from several men into one. However, if he’s only 50% of your order, I think you should put him back into inventory — release him as he may be 95% of what someone else wants.

    So is Rocket Man “the one”? I won’t know until we meet and spend some time together. But I do believe if I hadn’t sent in my order months ago, he wouldn’t have shown up.

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,

  • Rocket Man

    I’ve become fond of a man online who blows things up for a living. Tiny things. Miniatures. For the movies. And he’s won an Oscar for his demolition efforts.

    Isn’t this nearly every man’s childhood dream? To make a living destroying things? How fun!

    He specializes in igniting things. He says he “paints with fire.” He’s set himself ablaze 51 times — on purpose! For films, of course. He even filled in for a flaming Arnold Schwarzenegger in one film. How am I supposed to light his fire when he’s torched himself 51 times?

    While sometimes his charges are detonated inside the object, other times he launches a rocket to explode the target. So my pet name for him has become Rocket Man, which he likes.

    If we hit it off, it will be good to know I can turn to him if I need anything around the house blown up. Instead of “Honey, could you spray that ant hill in the back?” it would be “Honey, could you blow up that ant hill in the back?” I wonder if he’s as good at building a relationship as he is at blowing up buildings.

    OscarThat little golden statue may be nice to have around the house. I can see dressing him up for each month’s holidays — an Easter Bunny outfit, a Halloween costume, a Santa’s hat. Maybe we’d give him a Barbie harem. Would he fit in the Malibu Barbie car? I don’t think so.

    Since his specialty is pyrotechnics, I’d expect fireworks with our first kiss. I wonder if he could arrange that without any building blowing up.

    So far his personality seems to be far from explosive, however sparks fly via email and phone conversations. I wonder what makes a sweet, humble man like to blow things up. I’ll find out soon enough.

    Saphire martiniAnd get this — his favorite drink is a Bomb-bay martini!

    Let’s hope he’s da bomb!

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,

  • Online dating time equivalent to dog years

    The Rules OnlineSometimes you hit it off with someone online and you exchange a flurry of emails. That is if you ignore the advice in The Rules for Online Dating. Authors Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneide tell women never to respond to an email from a potential suitor before 24 hours pass.

    Well, I’ve ignored The Rules. But I’ve gotten to know guys quicker because of it. When you are exchanging several emails a day, someone’s personality emerges much sooner than the weeks it would take if you followed Fein and Schneide’s advice.

    dogI liken it to the accelerated time passing of dog years. Depending on how quickly both of you respond, you can exchange numerous emails in a short period. One man even noted, “I don’t interpret a prompt response to my emails as desperation, just interest.” Fein and Schneide, however, say it makes you appear too eager.

    IMs are even more lightening fast, as you are talking real time. You write something and he writes back almost immediately. I’ve grown fond of someone pretty quickly through IMs.

    There’s something about online communication that enables you to ask questions you may not if you are talking on the phone. Somehow it can seem easier admitting to insecurities and sharing histories, goals, dreams and baggage. Of course, you can do this on the phone and in person, but there’s something akin to the anonymity of a confessional that lets people be forthcoming online. (Of course, there are always those who lie online, just as they would in person.)

    Is all this warp-speed courting good? I’m not sure. I like getting to know someone quickly to see if any deal breakers emerge. Better than spending months to uncover the same problems. But the downside is a seeming intimacy that hasn’t had time to really ferment.

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,

  • “Men are putty” — sometimes silly putty

    A male pal shared that he was dating a new woman. He said he was really drawn to her, because, in part she was into him! Isn’t it interesting how attractive someone can become when he or she is attracted to you?

    He excitedly shared that she was happy when he called, said she enjoyed spending time with him, and thanked him for his kindnesses. He said this was a departure from the women he’s taken out lately. This woman’s appreciation made him want to do anything for her. He added, “When we men are appreciated, we’re putty.”

    Are men really that easy to make into putty? I’ve never felt I’ve “puttified” a man, although I do all the things my friend was thrilled about. In fact, some experts tell women to not show appreciation, to be aloof, and make the man work hard for any acknowledgements. I say poppycock. I treat men the way I like to be treated — with kindness, appreciation and care. One man I dated told me, “I can’t imagine why anyone would ever break up with you.” Were that this was true. But it showed that he felt well treated, so was putty in my hands.

    What makes you turn to putty? I know what melts my heart. It’s not big things, but cumulative little things. Make a list of what you love, from kisses on the back of your neck, to help bringing in groceries, to chivalrous acts. Ask your man to do the same. Then swap lists so you know how to make the other happy.

    silly puttyWhen we are happy and feel appreciated we all can let our fun-loving selves out to play. Then we can become silly putty!

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,

  • Toad rage

    You know I don’t label any of the men I’ve gone out with as losers, frogs, toads, jerks, freaks, geeks, dweebs, nerds or cads.

    toadHowever, every once in a while, I come in contact with someone who acts immaturely — or toadlike. This was the case with a man who emailed me but didn’t really understand the dating site’s process. He got angry over something he didn’t understand and blamed me.

    He initiated contact with a short but specific email addressing some items in my profile. I responded promptly, but because I wasn’t a member of the site, I could only use one of the pre-determined responses the site provides.

    He didn’t understand that non-members can only respond with these brief pre-written lines, so his response to me was:

    “I really hope you can come up with more than a coppied [sic] message. I don’t mean to be rude but I’m a person who puts alot [sic] of effort into communicating and I feel slighted when others don’t put effort into a response.

    “Respectfully Yours”

    Well, this doesn’t sound very respectful, does it? These two sentences told me a lot about this man.

    1. He didn’t understand the site. If you are new to a site, you may not really know how it works, so I can give him some slack on this.
    2. He assumed I was lazy or rude. He jumped to a conclusion based on minimal information. Instead of saying something like “Thanks for your positive response. I hope to hear more from you in the future.” he lambasted me. Is this a way to try to start a relationship? I don’t think so.
    3. For someone “who puts alot [sic] of effort into communicating” he didn’t put enough effort in proofreading before hitting the send button. C’mon — it’s only two sentences, not a treatise. How hard is that to check for spelling errors?
    4. He seemed to get angry over a tiny thing. If something like this sets him off, what would life be like around him? Would he yell at inconsiderate drivers, slow waiters, inattentive clerks? Is that the kind of guy I’d want to spend time with? No.

    So while he made some assumptions about me based on my pre-determined response, I, too, made some decisions about him as well.

    I’ve learned that you really can tell a lot about someone by their initial emails, phone calls and first dates. Yes, give him a little slack, but if his comments and behaviors show anger over inconsequential things, best to move on. You don’t want to be the recipient of toad rage.

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,

  • Control freak or detail oriented?

    In the 18 months between when my ex left and I started dating, I had plenty of time to consider what I wanted in my next man. One of my realizations was I planned 99% of outings in my marriage. I wanted a man who would take the time to plan, as I was burnt out from it, and I saw it as a way to show he cared.

    I quickly found a planner in one of the first men I met online. We emailed a few times, but he didn’t proofread, so I couldn’t understand what he was saying half the time. I thought he must be foreign born. He asked if he could call me or I him. I called the evening before departing for a 6-day trip, thinking I’d have a brief conversation, then blow him off.

    He was not foreign born, and was smart, charming and funny. The planned 10-minute call stretched into 30. I told him during my trip I’d only be available by email because of my tight schedule. We flirted by email several times a day for four days during my trip. On day 5, he asked me to join him for dinner when I returned. We agreed on when and where.

    He was the first stranger I’d had a date with. The previous “dates” were with colleagues, and I wasn’t really sure if they were dates or not, although they were all with single guys and they treated me to dinner. There was a hug at the end. I called them pseudo dates.

    This new guy did things that no man has done since. My friends were either impressed or incredulous. This guy was a uber-planner!

    menuWhile still on my trip, he emailed me a PDF of the restaurant’s menu, saying if I had an idea what I might want (e.g., fish, beef, lamb, chicken), he would pre-order the wine so it would be ready for us.

    On the appointed evening, I was nervous since this was the first time I’d had a date with someone I didn’t already know. I obsessed about what to wear. I must have changed clothes 6 times.

    He greeted me at the restaurant bar with a hug and a gift of two CDs. He said that we could listen to them while cooking together sometime. Cool.

    banquetteAfter a drink, the maître d’ told us our table was ready. We were escorted to a secluded candle-lit, semi-circular banquette. The manager came over and greeted my date by name. I thought he must come here often.

    Later I learned that my guy had come to the restaurant earlier and discussed this evening with the manager. He told him he was bringing a special lady and wanted the evening to be memorable. He’d asked for the best server working that night. Then he chose the most romantic table in that server’s section. The manager assured him the table would be reserved for him, and that he’d inform his server to go out of his way to make it a special event.

    We lingered over dinner for five hours, laughing and talking. We were the first couple in the restaurant and the last to leave. He walked me to my car and we ended with a hug.

    Did I want to see him again? I wasn’t drawn to him physically, but he made me laugh, and I liked being treated well. I decided I’d see him again. Why? Because he went to so much thought and effort to make the evening distinctive and me feel pampered.

    What did I learn? That I like a man who pays attention to details, who goes to some effort to make me feel special and that a little thought can overcome a lack of initial physical attraction. He scratched an itch I had and evidently I scratched one for him.

    Some friends thought he was controlling and anal retentive to put so much effort into this first encounter. I thought it was sweet and made me feel special. So what works for one may not for another.

    We went out for six weeks, and he treated me well, but only one other time did he put the same thought into a date as he had that first one. When I realized we weren’t a long-term match for many reasons, I told him I didn’t think we should continue going out. He still wanted to see me, but I knew he wouldn’t see other women if I agreed. We continue to stay in touch, and occasionally see a play, movie or have dinner together, but as pals.

    The lesson to share is that behavior trumps physicality. However, if after giving it a chance if you still aren’t a match, don’t hang on as it’s not fair to either one of you. Release each other to find your true match.

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,

  • Are you a good man picker?

    A Dating Goddess reader wrote lamenting her string of dates who weren’t a fit. She said, “I am struck by how consistently poor my ‘picking ability’ is.”

    How is your picking ability? Do you, too, have a string of first dates, but not second ones? Or you may have multiple dates, but nothing long term? After many go-nowhere first dates, I’m a pickier picker.

    cottonMy grandmother was a cotton picker — she harvested cotton by hand on her family’s farm as a young woman. (We loved telling her, “Take your cotton-picking hands off that!”) She said there are ways to tell if the cotton is ready to be harvested.

    If you’re having a string of first dates and few second or third ones, let’s apply some cotton-picking tips to man picking.

    • Do you know what you’re looking for? In cotton, you look for burst bolls (seed capsules). If you’re not clear what you want, you’ll go out with pretty much anyone. While I’m an advocate of meeting men who don’t meet your criteria 100%, there are some who are just too far afield to be a match. I now turn down 9 out of 10 inquiries I receive. If you’re not clear, read the posting on your boyfriend job application and start writing yours.
    • Is he ready to be picked? If the bolls aren’t open, you can’t harvest the cotton. If a man isn’t ready for a relationship, no matter what you do, he won’t do more than play around. Each man has his own readiness signals, but working to please you, talking about a future together and maturely discussing conflicts are good clues.
    • Are there indications this isn’t a good pick? Professional cotton farmers know crop problem signs. Although you’re not a professional dater, you know when you see insurmountable problems. Don’t ignore red flags. I don’t agree to meet with any man who uses foul language or poor grammar in emails or on the phone. If he doesn’t seem to know how to make conversation, dominates the discussion, or bashes his ex(es) or women, I decline a face-to-face.
    • Additionally, do you establish some mutual connection before meeting? If you go out with someone after only a few brief contacts, you don’t know enough about him to know if he’s a potential match. If you talk or email and ask some important questions, you’re more likely to find someone who’s going to be a fit. Don’t interrogate him, but if his view on important issues is intolerable to you, there’s not a match. Better know now than after spending more time exploring.

    I believe every person I spend more than a few minutes with is a teacher. If you just dismiss the non-fits as cads, jerks or losers, you learn nothing. Why did you attract him to you? What is he there to teach you? If you don’t learn the lesson, you’ll keep getting more of the same until you do. So better sit down and ask yourself, “What did I learn from the encounter?” And saying, “Avoid losers” isn’t an acceptable answer.

    Even if you learned to better identify what you don’t want, that’s a good lesson. It will help you discern what you want and notice when a guy has it.

    Sharpen your picking skills and you’ll have better luck finding guys who are a better fit.

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,

  • Releasing back into the dating pool

    poolDoesn’t this phrase sound benign? Refreshing even? Can you imagine a perfect-temperatured, clear, tranquil pool, inviting you to dip your toes or immerse yourself totally in the rejuvenating water? Do see yourself floating on the pristine pond as the gentle current rocks you into complete relaxation?

    If only releasing someone — or being released — back into the dating pool was so calm. In fact, it is usually the opposite, full of stress, teeth gnashing, crying, yelling or drama. Often there are hurt feelings on one or both sides. Whether you are the releaser or the released, the relationship-liberating conversation typically entails tension, even if it is agreed upon by both.

    It needn’t be this angst ridden. It can be mature, sane and calm, depending on how and when the discussion is broached. If the conversation is begun sensitively and kindheartedly, and in an appropriate place, there will be less difficulty.

    broken dishesOf course, if the person you’re breaking up with has a bent for drama, anger and/or defensiveness, there will be yelling, name calling, perhaps even dish throwing. So make sure you do it in a public place where his behavior will be modified, or security can be fetched quickly. Also, make sure to meet him there so you have your own getaway car, I mean transportation. And changing the locks may be in order if he has a key to your place.

    What are signs you should break up?

    • You’ve become increasingly disenchanted with him. You no longer think his jokes are hilarious, nor his idiosyncrasies charming. You used to think his eating salad with his fingers was cute. Now you think it’s gross.
    • His behaviors are more irritating than ingratiating. His machine-gun-like laugh used to be amusing. Now it’s immature. When he dismisses his forgetfulness with “I have a sieve for a brain” it used to sound sweetly self-deprecating. Now you notice you hear it every time he conveniently “forgets” to do something you’ve asked.
    • You let voice mail answer when he calls. You used to love his frequent calls. But now, the fifth call of the day to give a moment-by-moment report on what he’s done since you last talked — an hour ago — has gotten old.
    • You find you are disappointed or angry more than pleased with him. He doesn’t keep his word, forgets important events, doesn’t do anything to please you or show he cares.
    • He is argumentative, belittling, condescending, controlling, paranoid, angry, verbally abusive, self-obsessed and/or downright mean. Cut loose now and don’t accept him back, no matter how much he begs. Don’t.
    • You don’t want to introduce him to your friends or take him to the office party. You can’t imagine kissing him or making love to him one more time. Or still being with him in a month.
    • You hear yourself thinking, “We would really be better just as friends,” “This isn’t working,” or “We aren’t a match.”

    These are all signs you should let him go. You’re not doing him any favors by sticking around when you’re really not into the relationship. And you’re preventing yourself from finding someone more compatible.

    You justify staying because “I love him.” It takes more than love to keep coupledom working. You can love your dysfunctional uncle, your abrasive aunt, your alcoholic cousin. But would you choose someone with their behaviors as your mate, despite your love for them? I hope you answer no. You deserve someone who is functional, kind and sober. Love is not enough to stay in a relationship that isn’t working.

    In management, there is sage advice on the best time to fire someone: The first time you think of it. Now I don’t believe you should fire someone on the spot when the thought crosses your mind. I believe you should talk to him/her about the problem and see if the behavior shifts into an acceptable range.

    The same with a beau. You need to talk about it if something isn’t working for you — and the sooner the better. Don’t let it fester. If he can’t or won’t shift it and it’s very important to you, then unless you can decide it’s not important, he will never measure up. So don’t ignore it when you hear yourself thinking “I can’t imagine being with this guy long term,” “I’m just not attracted to him romantically anymore,” or “I’d never marry this man.”

    Many years ago, I dated a man for over a year who I knew I’d never marry. We even lived together. I knew from his comments he expected we’d get married, although he never actually proposed. Finally, I had to tell him we weren’t going to get married. Much yelling, crying and door slamming ensued. While it wasn’t right for him to assume, it wasn’t right for me not to correct him when he’d make marriage comments. I led him on and it was not right. I swore I wouldn’t do that to anyone in the future, nor would I want it done to me.

    So if releasing needs to happen, think how you can do it considerately and sensitively — and soon. Very soon. Then you can relax in the peace-of-mind pool.
    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,

  • Instead of roses, he gives you … lingerie

    On our fourth date he announced, “I bought you a present.”

    “Oh? I inquired, “What?”

    “I’ll give it to you later.”

    At the end of the evening he handed me a bag. It was a silky negligee.

    negligeeThis man had never even given me flowers, but he gave me lingerie! My husband of 20 years never gave me lingerie, but this guy does on the fourth date. The good news is he got the size right, something my ex never could figure out even though he had easy access to my closet and drawers.

    Most women agree lingerie gifts are for the man not the woman. He likes seeing you in sexy things, so buys them “for you.” He doesn’t know that they chafe and pull and are uncomfortable. He likes how they look on you. Luckily, most of them don’t stay on long.

    I have been given some interesting presents from my beaus. Some of them were appropriate. Others were more for him than me, like the lingerie.

    An early beau gave me a set of “right”-sized red wine glasses because he didn’t like the shape of my crystal ones. Since I don’t drink red wine, this set of 12 was for him (and picky guests I suppose) when he drank wine at my house.Blackberry He also gave me a Blackberry which didn’t sync with my Mac. He wanted me to have it so he could intercom me anytime he wanted to reach me. Calling wasn’t sufficient? While I appreciated the thought, I asked him to take it back since it would cost me $100 a month in charges for something I didn’t want and wouldn’t work with my computer.

    However, some beaus have given me presents I was grateful for at the time and still am. They weren’t necessarily the romantic gifts that are appreciated most,faucet head although I am fond of the two semi-precious-stoned rings one boyfriend funded. The gift that reminds me of him every day is a new faucet head he bought and installed to replace a broken one that dripped incessantly.

    kitchen timerOther simple, but appreciated gifts include a new kitchen timer when my BOM (boyfriend of the month) learned my old one broke. One former suitor passed on a nice living room chair and a glass coffee table that match my decor perfectly. When he got new furniture for his new post-divorce house, he was going to give them to Goodwill or, if I wanted them, me. I’m glad I was the recipient of his good will — and the pieces.

    Sometimes the gifts are of labor and expertise, rather than tangible. One guy affixed a stereo antennae so now I get more radio stations. Another greased my garage door opener, lubricated my locks, fixed a broken towel rack, and waxed my car. Yet another unclogged a downspout. And one sweetheart helped me fix a jammed CD player.

    Presents, from the wrong person, can have emotional costs affiliated with them. The garage-door-opener greaser/lock lubricator/car waxer did so without checking to see if I wanted these things done. I thanked him and thought I showed my appreciation, but not as much as he thought I should. So I said, “Thank you for doing these things for me. I know it is part of how you show you care for me. And I’d be even more grateful if you’d help me with things I’ve identified need to be done.” He got huffy and said I was taking advantage of him. He wasn’t around long.

    Giving someone what they want instead of what you want to give them seems to be a hard concept for some men to grasp.

    And sometimes gifts aren’t, really. In week five of a 6-week relationship, a man who works on Macs for a living offered to give me a part I needed. When he brought it to me, I offered to pay for it, even though it sounded like he was going to give it to me since he had it laying around his office. He accepted my offer, and said, “Cash, please.” I was incredulous. “Really? You’re kidding.” He said, “No, I’m not.” He wouldn’t take a check from a woman he’d been dating regularly for over a month. No wonder we stopped seeing each other shortly after that. Maybe he knew a breakup was imminent so thought I’d put a stop payment on the check.

    teddy bearNot surprisingly, the same gift from different guys can evoke wildly different emotions. I’ve received two teddy bears from different guys during my dating adventure. One was on the first date from someone who has become a dear friend after we decided we weren’t good together romantically. I think of him fondly every time I see it. The second was a much larger bear from the Mac-repair guy mentioned above. At the first opportunity I sold it in a garage sale as I didn’t want anything around to remind me of him.

    The best gifts, I’ve learned, are those of the spirit. Kindness and thoughtfulness trump any tangible gift. But material gifts selected with some thought are meaningful as well. rosesFor example, I always appreciate flowers, but when a man has taken the time to learn I prefer unusual flowers, like bi-colored roses, peonies, anthurium or protea, I feel even more cared about. It shows he’s taken the time to learn my preferences and acts accordingly. But no matter what the gift, I always appreciate at least the thought and effort behind it.

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,

  • Are you a hoochie mama?

    “What’s that?” you ask.

    Mae West 2The term is commonly used to denote a loose or crass woman. However, because I have a dear friend who uses this as an enduring term for me, I like to think of it differently. My definition is a woman who is secure in her sexuality, comfortable flirting and playing. She knows how to be sexy and suggestive and not cross over to bawdy, ribald, obscene, vulgar, crude, coarse, lewd, dirty, or smutty. I think of Mae West as the exemplar.

    You are a hoochie mama if:

    • You laugh at others’ funny, suggestive (not vulgar) jokes.
    • You occasionally make double entendres in private, to close friends or your lover.
    • You find some of the cartoons in Playboy funny.
    • You occasionally wear sexy clothing to appropriate events (not to work). You are not afraid to show cleavage or skin when it is appropriate for the function (e.g., cocktail party, formal event, beach).
    • You are comfortable flirting with your dates and others who seem comfortable with it (not with your boss or his boss, or your best friend’s husband if he seems uncomfortable).

    You are not a hoochie mama if:

    • You get offended when anyone makes any suggestive comment in a non-work setting. (I expect you to be offended if it is inappropriate, directed at you, at work, or raunchy).
    • You feel it is inappropriate to exude any sexuality outside of your own home.

    You have to decide for yourself if 1) you are a hoochie mama, and 2) if you aren’t, do you want to be? If the latter, how can you loosen up a bit without crossing the line to crassness?

    mardi gras beadsYou may wonder how I received the “Hoochie Mama” pet name from my friend. He and his wife live in New Orleans so two years ago they invited me to attend Mardi Gras with them. I did, and came home with 50 pounds of beads. I had a great time. Since most people think there is only one way to get beads, if someone playful heard of my bead bounty, he’d look at me slyly. He’d say: “You must have done a lot of flashing to get all those beads.”

    So I created this hoochie-mama response: “There are various ways to earn beads. I won’t share my secrets, but I will tell you to look for me in the next ‘Middle-Aged Women Gone Wild’ video. The good thing about being middle aged, is you don’t have to raise your shirt so high to get beads.” I smile and wink and move on. He usually laughs heartily.

    Okay. Maybe I crossed the line.

    “It’s not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts.” —Mae West

    “I only like two kinds of men — domestic and imported.” —Mae West

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,

  • “I only want to date someone I would marry”

    wedding ringsA newly divorced friend was intrigued by my philosophy about dating so many men. She said, “I just couldn’t do that. I don’t want to date anyone I wouldn’t see myself marrying.”

    She is not alone. This is many women’s philosophy. She says she is too busy to spend time with someone she doesn’t think she might marry.

    I understand her point of view. Dating takes time. I, too, have cut off dating someone I knew wasn’t a match. It wouldn’t be fair to him to lead him on.

    On the other hand, I’ve had dates with men who I wasn’t sure were a match or not. Sometimes you know on the first date it’s not a match. But sometimes you don’t know until after the second, third, or additional dates.

    In fact, I’ve gone out with men who were a nanosecond away from receiving my “Thanks, but no thanks” message,delete key but something compelled me to write a more thoughtful note. If he responded positively with why he thought we could be a good match, I might be convinced to continue the correspondence, perhaps progressing to a phone call and maybe an eventual date. Some of these nanosecond-away-from-being-deleted guys have turned out to be treasures as pals.

    And some of those nearly deleted guys have ended up as beaus. I’ve found you just don’t know if the connection is traffic lightthere until you meet someone. Although, sometimes you know in email or the phone if they are paranoid, sex-focused, foul-mouthed, angry, manipulative, self-focused, poor conversationalists or have other deal-breaking habits. Then there’s no need to meet. But if all lights are green, why not meet and see if they stay green, or if yellow or red flashes?

    A guy pal said he sometimes continued dating someone he knew wasn’t a match because they liked some of the same activities. In his mind, someone, even a not-long-term match, was better than experiencing pastimes alone. This could be okay as long as you both agree you aren’t a long-term match, and that your seeing each other casually doesn’t slow down your search for a long-term mate.

    Where do you stand on this? Do you only want to date someone you think has long-term potential? Or will you date more than a few times someone you know isn’t a good match?

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,