Sometimes you hit it off with someone online and you exchange a flurry of emails. That is if you ignore the advice in The Rules for Online Dating. Authors Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneide tell women never to respond to an email from a potential suitor before 24 hours pass.
Well, I’ve ignored The Rules. But I’ve gotten to know guys quicker because of it. When you are exchanging several emails a day, someone’s personality emerges much sooner than the weeks it would take if you followed Fein and Schneide’s advice.
I liken it to the accelerated time passing of dog years. Depending on how quickly both of you respond, you can exchange numerous emails in a short period. One man even noted, “I don’t interpret a prompt response to my emails as desperation, just interest.” Fein and Schneide, however, say it makes you appear too eager.
IMs are even more lightening fast, as you are talking real time. You write something and he writes back almost immediately. I’ve grown fond of someone pretty quickly through IMs.
There’s something about online communication that enables you to ask questions you may not if you are talking on the phone. Somehow it can seem easier admitting to insecurities and sharing histories, goals, dreams and baggage. Of course, you can do this on the phone and in person, but there’s something akin to the anonymity of a confessional that lets people be forthcoming online. (Of course, there are always those who lie online, just as they would in person.)
Is all this warp-speed courting good? I’m not sure. I like getting to know someone quickly to see if any deal breakers emerge. Better than spending months to uncover the same problems. But the downside is a seeming intimacy that hasn’t had time to really ferment.
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2 responses to “Online dating time equivalent to dog years”
I’ve been trying online dating off and on for years now, and it seems to me that it’s all backwards. In “real” life, you see or meet someone, there’s a little spark on both parts, so you get to know each other.
Online dating, however, is opposite. You get to know someone, invest time in email, telephone exchanges, then meet and —-PHHHHTTT. Nothing. No chemistry. But you have this false sense of intimacy because you’ve gotten to know this person. Then comes the awkward parting where one of you has to be the brave one who says, “Well, that was fun! Goodbye!” and then the disappointment hits as you drive home alone once more. It’s like serial blind dating. Torturous.
I’m writing myself a letter to tell myself to NEVER DO THIS AGAIN!!! I always end up aggravated and saying I’ll never do it again. But then months go by and I get tired of never meeting anyone dateable and before you know it I’m whipping out my credit card and inflicting this torture on myself again. OY!
Nancy — yes, it can be frustrating. But “real” life meeting someone can too, in that you meet someone you feel attracted to and he’s attached or not interested. At least w/online dating I’ve found I can learn a bit about his personality before meeting. Yes, sometimes even with developing a fondness beforehand you can have no spark. But I’ve also had the opposite happen where there wasn’t a lot of spark ahead of time and when we met there was.
So I don’t think there’s a perfect solution. However, I think that online dating speeds up the process more than hoping to meet people at parties, events, and bars. That gets demoralizing if no one is interested in you, or only men who you aren’t drawn to.
Maybe we should wish for arranged marriages to become more popular here? 🙂