Sexual continuous improvement

You’ve been dating a special guy for a while and have had several sexual romps. But you find yourself less than satisfied, even though you’ve giving lots of feedback on what’s working for you when you’re in the act.

Rather than declaring that you’re sexually incompatible, you decide to see if you can discuss adjustments before you get naked together again.

This is not an easy conversation to start, as most people are pretty sensitive about their sexual prowess. No one likes to hear that their special moves aren’t doing it for you, yet if you don’t speak up there’s no chance anything will change.

So how do you broach this sensitive topic?

Timing is key. Find a time when you’re alone together and in a relaxed setting, like in one of your homes, with the TV off so you aren’t distracted.

Next, choose your words carefully. Start with something like, “I have some ideas on how we could sexually pleasure each other more. Is this a good time to share them?” His ears will probably perk up. When he says yes, then proceed with your observations and ideas.

“I really like making love with you and want it to be fabulous every time. We’re learning what turns the other on. I wish we all came with a sexual owner’s manual so we could explain just how to get our engine revved. But since we don’t, and since everyone’s body responds to different things, I think it would be useful to help each other know what we like. I know we could do this through signals we give when we’re making love, but I think it would be even clearer if we shared those things ahead of time. Then we won’t waste time doing what really doesn’t work for the other.”

See where this leads. If he’s interested in engaging in the discussion, wonderful. If not, maybe you’re incompatible — and not just sexually.

Have you had discussions like this? How did you start them? Did it help you have more happiness in the sack?

(You may also be interested in the posting, “How dating sex is like waffles.”)

sex and dating after 40Want to read more on what to expect with dating sex? Get your copy of From Fear to Frolic: Get Naked Without Getting Embarrassed.


5 responses to “Sexual continuous improvement”

  1. Sean Oliver Avatar
    Sean Oliver

    This should be on a set of flashcards. Sexy feedback cards.

  2. Dating Goddess Avatar

    Sean: I like it! What else would be on the cards, other than perhaps Kama Sutra images to point out what you like? 🙂

  3. angel Avatar

    This is the most intimidating conversation in the world. Sex with the bf rocked my world for the first few times. And then nothing. Fell into a routine that was about as exciting as watching paint dry. However, I still cared enough about him so, I attempted the direct approach and told him what I really liked and would you like this…to no avail. I ended up with a few more kisses a week but the bedroom activity has not changed. Sad part is that he doesn’t think its too bad (his words). Sigh. Now what?

  4. Dating Goddess Avatar

    Angel — you’re right, it’s not easy or comfortable. But if you don’t find a way to communicate and have your needs taken into consideration, you’ll find yourself in an unsatisfying sexual desert. Oh, wait, you’re already there!

    Maybe try a different approach. Get a book to go through together (a la The Joy of Sex.” Or there are even classes, say like tantric sex. If he thinks sex is only not bad, then he knows it could improve. Take that opportunity to keep exploring how you could rock each other’s world.

  5. Dwyane Applegate Avatar
    Dwyane Applegate

    In a dating both of you agree with a point so that you have sexual romps. Before engaged sex it is better to discuss each other because This is the most intimidating conversation in the world.If not, maybe you’re incompatible