40+ dating

This morning I received an IM from my most recent ex-beau apologizing for having hurt and disappointed me. It allowed me to have closure, even though I had already released him in my mind and moved on. But actual closure, if done sanely, maturely and with care, has value even though closure just in your mind can be satisfying.

In our 45-minute discussion I was able to tell him how deeply he hurt me and share my feelings. I had considered doing this via email but thought he might delete it without opening it. So the IM discussion gave me the opportunity to share with him my reaction to his insensitive text and I know he heard me, whether or not he fully understood how his actions affected me.

Bemoaning to a psychologist friend the tale of a recent particularly jarring breakup, he said, “You need to ask better questions early on.” He was right. I thought I was reasonably good about asking important questions, but I hadn’t asked the one he suggested.

I painfully learned that my beau of many months had no interest in working out anything that wasn’t exactly what one of us wanted. He barely tolerated my bringing up any of my unmet needs and finding a mutually agreeable solution. However, in this breakup I learned that if something wasn’t as he wanted it, he just called it quits. No attempt to discuss it or explore a solution. I couldn’t imagine how anyone would expect a relationship to be perfect without any modifications, but that apparently was his perspective.

A man discloses volumes during a dating relationship, but most revealing is how he breaks up. It’s almost a shame that there isn’t a break up early on as you’d see how he treats you.

If a man breaks up via text, IM, or email, I know he’s a coward, afraid to have a mature discussion about his feelings and the relationship. Most of the men who’ve broken up with me have done it this way or by just going poof, not contacting me again, nor returning my attempts to find out what’s going on.

Early in your relationship you both promised that if there was ever anything that bothered one of you so much to consider breaking up, that one would have the respect and courtesy to share this in person or at least on the phone, not in an email, text, IM or voice mail. Having been broken up with in each of these virtual vehicles by midlife men you’d dated for a while, you felt it was disrespectful.

Several months into your current relationship, your man went AWOL, not returning your calls, emails or texts. You had no idea where he was, or if he was OK. He had promised to make daily contact to check in, so after four days of silence you’d had it. You were ready to break up with him for his inconsideration and breaking his agreement — something that happened too frequently for your taste. You take your promises seriously and consider keeping or renegotiating commitments to be a sign of maturity, responsibility, and integrity.

I had a hot and heavy relationship with a man I dated for 5 months. It was one of those instant chemistry situations and after our second date we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. We saw each other once a week, sometimes for several days, even though he lived less than an hour away. He always brought me a gift, and in between visits he sent me daily loving text messages, IMs, emails, and/or e-cards. Nothing salacious, just romantic and sweet.

The relationship progressed quickly, something I told myself not to do. But I was so drawn to him, and he to me, it was futile trying to put the brakes on. It seemed we were both falling hard and fast.

I’m amazed at the number of accomplished, assertive, confident midlife women who confide in me a problem with the their dating relationship. The common sense solution is to talk to their guy about it.

However, many of these women seem squeamish at this prospect. When I ask why, they respond, “I’m afraid of losing him.”

When a trophy wife or girlfriend is mentioned, it is often with derision and cattiness. We think of a beautiful, but often empty-headed woman attached to a rich, powerful, often older, unattractive man.

But what if you’re dating an attractive man? Not just a man you think is attractive, as we know a man’s attractiveness to us increases based on how he treats us and how we feel about him. But a man who others say is handsome, good looking, or even hot?

When you’ve been with someone for a while, you’ve made compromises based on his preferences. In a healthy, nurturing, loving relationship, each person makes some adjustments to better get along with or please our partners.

If you’ve been together for years, these concessions become habits. You may not realize you even do them for him anymore. They seem like your way of doing things.

Only after the breakup, you may begin to notice — then question — these activities. I think it’s a turning point in your moving on when you 1) become aware that you are doing something that would not be your preference, and 2) choose to do it differently or not at all.

I am in SE Asia this week, having spoken to a conference in Jakarta earlier and am now in Penang, Malaysia, where I did a presentation Friday. I connected with a friend of a friend who offered to show me the island of Penang on Saturday. She had a conflict at the last minute and coerced a friend of hers, Martin, to play tour guide.

I bet you know the Buddhist proverb, “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.” This is true in dating as well as other areas of one’s life.

We don’t usually think of people in our lives as our teachers, but they are. This is true for our dates too.