boomer dating

Dinner was high atop the Istanbul Intercontinental Hotel in the City Lights Restaurant. We met at 8:15 so the sun had set and the lights on the Anatolian (Asian) side of the city were tinkling. The ships scurried below us and the Bosporus Bridge lights were putting on their show by changing color every few minutes.

It was very romantic.

I thought that would get your attention!

Europeans seem to have much different feelings about body image than Americans do. (I realize I’m generalizing here.) People of all ages, shapes and sizes seem more carefree at the beach and other places where one lets it all hang out. I’m wondering how that affects their dating, especially in midlife.

Let me explain how I’ve come to this inquiry.

With apologies to Shakespeare, I was reminded of his line in Hamlet when a potential suitor recently showered me — or more like drowned me — in texts.

Brain scans show that the same regions of the brain are activated after taking cocaine as when subjects were shown pictures of someone they said they were in love with.

When I’ve been in love, I’ve relished the feeling: the excitement when hearing his voice, getting his text or email, even just looking at his picture. Such euphoria.

And it extends beyond direct triggers of him. Food tastes better, colors more vivid, music better, touch more sensual. A huge grin seems plastered on one’s face. Life just seems better. Much better.

But the part we don’t realize in our narcotic-like haze is that our judgement is clouded. We don’t see obvious signs that others around us see clearly. We overlook glaring clues that this relationship will cause us heartbreak sooner or later — or could even be dangerous.

A good-looking, successful, kind, generous, attentive, single man is wooing my single friend. He tells her how much he adores her and wants to be with her. He tells her it’s OK to take her time; he doesn’t want to pressure her.

And yet she’s uncomfortable.

Why?

In the last few months I’ve heard two stories of midlife women learning the man they were dating had an addiction.

It seems that when I gather with one or more single gal pals, the subject soon turns to dating. Today’s gathering was no different.

This conversation centered around a pal who’d recently lost 100 pounds and felt she was ready to re-enter the dating scene. She had new-found confidence and was anxious to find love.

A bit too anxious.

Generally, I believe tolerance is good. You are open to new ideas and perspectives. You’re not rigid and adamant that your way is the only way. (Note: As I get older, I find I’m more and more intolerant of intolerance!)

Since I’m generally pro-tolerance, why would I suggest that too much tolerance in dating can be detrimental?

The men were well dressed, intelligent, good looking, successful, good communicators. They smiled and laughed easily and were outgoing.

I moved among them, chatting and flirting. They were engaging and interesting.

Yet I felt I was starving at this feast of men.

Why?

This is the motto for some married travelers. They see solo journeys as an opportunity to cheat.

Of course, cheaters don’t need to be away from home to be opportunistic. One can cheat with one’s next door neighbor if one wants. A new friend shared that her now ex-fiancé had another fiancée 5 miles from her house — concurrent with her engagement.

During my recent two-week Turkey sojourn I was aware of the many chances to explore a fling if I desired. Waiters and shop keepers seemed particularly willing. They have a steady supply of potential romp-mates. My 53-year-old travel partner accepted a maître d’s offer for a make out session. He would have liked more. We have no idea if he’s married.

A gal pal mentioned that no one flirts with her. Or if someone does, she doesn’t know it. We are in Turkey and she is learning to get her flirt on.

It seems that part of a Turkish boy’s initiation into manhood is a lesson on flirting. Or maybe this is just among merchant and restaurant classes.