Posted inDating after 40 First-rate first dates Real deal or faux beau

When his hand is on your knee too soon

hand on kneeDG reader Toni asks:

I just had a second date with a man who, during the show, put his hand on my leg. I removed it. To me that is way more intimate than holding hands or a hug is — the kind of intimate “owning” thing that a serious other does — not someone I don’t know at all.

This has happened to me on the first date! On one level, you could be flattered that he felt so comfortable with and attracted to you he behaved as if you’ve been dating longer. Or you could be incensed that he was so presumptuous and ungentlemanly that he would think this was okay.

Yes, most of us would be in the second camp.

Posted inAre you ready for Mr. Great? Dating after 40

Rejecting preconceived notions

Do you have biases about supposed characteristics attributed to a potential suitor’s personality, values and behaviors based on limited information? For example, do you think lawyers are hard-nosed and blood thirsty? Accountants are boring? Men over X age are sluggish and out of shape? Short men are…; tall men are…; men born abroad are…; men raised in certain religious traditions are….

No matter how open you like to think yourself to be, it is rare to not have some stereotypes based upon your experiences or your friends’ experiences. Even if you feel you are unaffected by the media’s depiction of certain professions, races, body types, religious backgrounds, etc., it is hard to not begin to lump men with similarities into some pigeonholes.

Posted inDating after 40 Dating chemistry

Truth in dating

If you’ve dated more than a few men who you learned didn’t exactly live up to the hype they promised, you’ll appreciate this video. It’s a fun parody of the hip-hop love songs extolling the guy’s sexual prowess.

But what if one were to be this honest when dating? Admitting one’s inexperience, ineptitude and insecurities — especially early on when you are really wanting to impress your date? It would be somewhere between sad and refreshing, depending on how it was delivered.

Posted inDating after 40 Winning at the online dating game

Too-intimate first contact

DG reader Toni asks:

What is your sense about men who react to your online profile with a gushing email about how you are probably ‘the one’ for them, etc. and also who make several references to making love, the afterglow, etc. I feel uncomfortable when if a man seems to idealize me without ever meeting me…and also with references to sex, though I certainly like sex…but somehow it seems a bit out-of-form to bring it up in an introductory email. What is your take on all this?

Posted inDating after 40 Real deal or faux beau

Does he fit in your world?

jigsaw pieceFor a relationship to work long term, I believe it’s important that you are able to fit into each other’s world. Not that you have to live parallel lives with the same profession, income, hobbies, etc.

But is important that you can easily slip into each other’s activities, gracefully converse with the other’s counterparts and dress appropriately for the occasion.

This seems common sense, I know. And you’d think that if you are drawn to a man he would automatically fit into your world. However, I can tell you from experience that just because you get along well with him, it doesn’t mean he will meld with your friends and/or colleagues.

Posted inAssessing your assets Real deal or faux beau

Becoming besotted

Are you easily beguiled? Do you wear your heart on your sleeve? Are you prone to become prematurely smitten?

Or are you more cautious, perhaps bordering on detached, especially early on in dating someone? You keep your heart sheltered for as long as possible? Then you either succumb to being moonstruck or lose interest as there’s no heart connection?

I work to strike a balance knowing that most people are on their best behavior in the first few dates so I like to be a balance of engaged and detached. But once in a great while I’ll meet a guy who I go over the moon for quickly. Wham! He seems like the real deal. But so far, those have rarely lasted a month. The love-comet burns out quickly.

Posted inDating after 40

Review of “Making Sense of Men”

Making Sense of MenIn Alison Armstrong’s second book, Making Sense of Men: A Woman’s Guide to a Lifetime of Love, Care and Attention from All Men, she discusses common misconceptions women have about men’s intentions and how to know if a man is just interested in sex or to have a more meaningful relationship. She calls the latter “charmed and enchanted” and even men not seeking a romantic relationship can be charmed and enchanted with you.

This book is essentially the script for the introductory free evening workshop her staff delivers to acquaint you to her concepts and entice you to register for the first of several weekend workshops they offer. I attended one of these some months ago and got a lot out of it and will take the weekend workshop soon.

The promo promises:

Posted inDating after 40 Real deal or faux beau

Working through the hiccups

hiccupIn every relationship, no matter how great, there are some hiccups: occasional miscommunication, unmet expectations, hurt and/or disappointment.

The test for any couple is how these hiccups are dealt with. Even a budding relationship has missteps as you get to know each other’s patterns, preferences and perspectives. It’s like dancing with a new partner — there will be some unintentional stepping on toes.

If you are unhappy about something the guy you’re seeing does, do you let him know gently but clearly? Or do you keep it to yourself? Do you take one instance as an indicator of a pattern and surmise it is a portent of bigger issues? Or do you give him a little slack and share with him that you’d prefer something different?

Posted inReal deal or faux beau

Pros and cons of expectations

I once read a quote, “The source of all disappointment is unmet expectations.” Perhaps unmet hope fits in there too, since all hope isn’t an expectation.

In the beginning — and sometimes past beginning — of a relationship there are unspoken expectations on both sides. You expect he’ll treat you with respect, honor your spoken boundaries, make contact frequently and see you regularly.

But what if his expectations of a budding relationship are different? Perhaps “contacting you frequently” for him is every few days and you expect at least once a day? Or “see you regularly” to him means once a week when you’d like at least two times or more? And perhaps he expects intimacy after the third date and you are thinking the third month.

Posted inDating after 40 Real deal or faux beau

Is your guy’s loving muscle strong?

bicep flexI’m talking about his willingness and ability to regularly show caring, affection and love, whether to you or others.

I’ve noticed that men I’m dating who are used to showing their love to their parents, children, friends, church members, etc., are more able to express their love to me. They are unembarrassed about conveying their caring. They have developed a habit of communicating their affection either through touch, acts of thoughtfulness, or verbalizing their feelings.

Posted inAre you ready for Mr. Great? Dating after 40

Dating with disabilities

DG reader Sherri asks:

I recently met a man online who had one arm. We talked on email and by phone for about a month before meeting because we live 60 miles apart. When I finally met him, he was cute, funny, smart — but I could not get past the disability, which was more unusual than it appeared in the picture he’d posted.

As the date progressed, it seemed that he could tell that I was withdrawing because he seemed to get more and more needy, trying too hard to please. We parted, he asked to see me again, I said “sure” because I just couldn’t bear telling him to his face that there was no connection. When I got home, I immediately emailed him and said that I didn’t feel there was a romantic connection, wished him well, and thanked him for the date. He emailed 6 more times before finally fading away.

I feel really crummy about this — shallow and hurtful. I’ve told myself that it was his neediness that turned me off, but deep down inside I know that I’d shut down because of his disability. Is this something you’ve ever experienced? Or known anyone who has? I’d love some feedback — not to try to change the way I feel about the man, but to better understand my own visceral reaction. I mean, it’s the soul and heart of the person is what’s important, right? Am I alone in my reaction?