Posted inDating after 40

You learn a lot about a man by how he breaks up

A man discloses volumes during a dating relationship, but most revealing is how he breaks up. It’s almost a shame that there isn’t a break up early on as you’d see how he treats you.

If a man breaks up via text, IM, or email, I know he’s a coward, afraid to have a mature discussion about his feelings and the relationship. Most of the men who’ve broken up with me have done it this way or by just going poof, not contacting me again, nor returning my attempts to find out what’s going on.

Posted inDating after 40

Hamstrung by your own integrity

Early in your relationship you both promised that if there was ever anything that bothered one of you so much to consider breaking up, that one would have the respect and courtesy to share this in person or at least on the phone, not in an email, text, IM or voice mail. Having been broken up with in each of these virtual vehicles by midlife men you’d dated for a while, you felt it was disrespectful.

Several months into your current relationship, your man went AWOL, not returning your calls, emails or texts. You had no idea where he was, or if he was OK. He had promised to make daily contact to check in, so after four days of silence you’d had it. You were ready to break up with him for his inconsideration and breaking his agreement — something that happened too frequently for your taste. You take your promises seriously and consider keeping or renegotiating commitments to be a sign of maturity, responsibility, and integrity.

Posted inDating after 40

Does he want in your life — or just in your bedroom?

I had a hot and heavy relationship with a man I dated for 5 months. It was one of those instant chemistry situations and after our second date we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. We saw each other once a week, sometimes for several days, even though he lived less than an hour away. He always brought me a gift, and in between visits he sent me daily loving text messages, IMs, emails, and/or e-cards. Nothing salacious, just romantic and sweet.

The relationship progressed quickly, something I told myself not to do. But I was so drawn to him, and he to me, it was futile trying to put the brakes on. It seemed we were both falling hard and fast.

Posted inDating after 40

The trophy beau

When a trophy wife or girlfriend is mentioned, it is often with derision and cattiness. We think of a beautiful, but often empty-headed woman attached to a rich, powerful, often older, unattractive man.

But what if you’re dating an attractive man? Not just a man you think is attractive, as we know a man’s attractiveness to us increases based on how he treats us and how we feel about him. But a man who others say is handsome, good looking, or even hot?

Posted inDating after 40

Examining your concessions

When you’ve been with someone for a while, you’ve made compromises based on his preferences. In a healthy, nurturing, loving relationship, each person makes some adjustments to better get along with or please our partners.

If you’ve been together for years, these concessions become habits. You may not realize you even do them for him anymore. They seem like your way of doing things.

Only after the breakup, you may begin to notice — then question — these activities. I think it’s a turning point in your moving on when you 1) become aware that you are doing something that would not be your preference, and 2) choose to do it differently or not at all.

Posted inDating after 40

The un-date

I am in SE Asia this week, having spoken to a conference in Jakarta earlier and am now in Penang, Malaysia, where I did a presentation Friday. I connected with a friend of a friend who offered to show me the island of Penang on Saturday. She had a conflict at the last minute and coerced a friend of hers, Martin, to play tour guide.

Posted inDating after 40 Real deal or faux beau

“If you could see you thru my eyes”

In the film version of “Cabaret,” Joel Grey sings, “If You Could See Her.” This song extols his love for an unconventional female — a gorilla dressed as a woman. He sees her charm and beauty even though he knows these virtues are not easily seen by others. The lyrics say, “If you could see her thru my eyes.”

The lyrics remind me of how we feel when a suitor communicates his appreciation of elements of us for which we don’t share the same fondness. Perhaps he compliments you on characteristics that you haven’t embraced — he thinks you are clear and decisive when you think you can be stubborn. He likes your independence but you attribute that to your not having great skills in including others in your plans. He salivates at what he considers your sexy thighs when all you see is chubbiness and cellulite.

Posted inDating after 40 Moving on graciously Real deal or faux beau

Step up or step aside

You have agreed to be exclusive with your beau. But he is not providing all he’s agreed to when you each articulated your needs to be exclusive. You’ve reminded him of the things you said you needed and he said he’d provide. He acknowledges he knows. He does not say he can’t give you these things or that they will take time. You’ve given him what he said he needs. But he isn’t consistent with coming through on what is important to you.

So he has to step up.

And if he won’t or can’t, he has to step aside.

Posted inDating after 40 Real deal or faux beau

What’s your definition of “independent”?

The term “independent woman” is often seen in men’s profiles who seek self-sufficient women. It is their way of saying they want a woman who has a life of her own, interests, friends, a career and sufficient income. They don’t want someone who is clingy, reliant on them for all entertainment and definitely not someone they would need to support financially.

However, I have a new understanding of some men’s definition of “independent.” In addition to the above, it can mean “a woman who doesn’t need much from me in terms of a relationship. We can both come and go as we please, and hook up when the whim strikes. Little communication needs to occur between hook ups. I don’t want to put much time or energy into the relationship. Hey, we’re both busy people.”