I mean this literally — not are you internally talking yourself out of going on a date.
For example, recently I had two conversations with a new guy. About 30 minutes into the second conversation, I said I needed to get back to work. He asked if I’d like to get together. I said, “Sure, we could meet for coffee. What part of town do you live in?”
He responded that he lived near an upscale shopping center that I like to frequent.
“Great. We could meet there.”
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You’ve heard people utter this phrase about a hapless dater — or would-be dater. Perhaps you’ve said it yourself after a vexing encounter with a single. And of course, it can be said about either gender.
The speaker usually says it after an unpleasant interaction, or even hearing about someone’s clueless behavior. I thought it myself recently after a potential suitor’s second call, during which this accomplished, intelligent man was argumentative and condescending.
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My friend Mike Domitrz is the founder of The Date Safe Project™, and author of May I Kiss You? and Help! My Teen Is Dating. In familiarizing myself with his work, I was taken not only by his commitment to helping kids and young adults to date more respectfully, but with the application of his ideas to midlife daters.
No, I am not going to tell you to wear low-cut tops, skin-tight clothes nor mini-skirts. Although that is hot on some women for some men. But that’s not the tip I want to tell you.
I’m going to share something I’ve stumbled on in my dating adventure. It may be old hat to you. I’ve been surprised at how universal the effect is on most men, even married pals.
In past postings we have talked about dating’s financial conundrums and how to find balance. We’ve discussed how different financial values and capabilities cause conflict.
In dating, whether we realize it or not, we begin to do what was called a “wallet triage” by one of my hospital clients. This distasteful term was used to describe when they had to determine if a patient could pay for treatment. If not, they had to be sent to the county hospital. It was unpleasant for the staff to ask the uncomfortable questions about someone’s ability to pay while the patient was bleeding or in pain, and it was distressing for those being asked. But the hospital was hemorrhaging funds, and if they treated people without receiving payment, the hospital was going to close, which would have put the community in dire straights. It was a horrible situation for all concerned.
Spending six days over the holiday with a two-decade-married couple gave me ample opportunity to watch their relationship up close for days on end. Usually when we visit friends or relatives we spend from several hours to a few days with them. When others are around, most of us are on our best behavior. Only after sufficient time do true behaviors and patterns emerge.
I felt a mix of friend, confidant, and behavioral scientist watching their patterns displayed in everyday activities. So when the woman shared some of their hiccups, I began to see where the breakdowns occurred.
A recurring event transpired when one of them suggested doing something his/her way and the other expressed, in an irritated tone, the desire to do it another way. They both sounded irked until one of them acquiesced. The acquiescer, though, showed his/her annoyance, but out of view or ear shot of the other.
So the dance continued. These are both highly intelligent people who have worked on their relationship. But they continued to repeat patterns of “My way is best” until one gave in. And they wondered why there was resentment.
Finally, near the end of my stay, unable to keep quiet any longer, I spoke up. “You two are both capable, competent and good problem solvers. You seem to get annoyed when the other doesn’t see the wisdom of your way of doing something. Rather than realizing that the best solution could be a combination of your ideas, or that either of your fixes would work just fine, you make the other wrong.
“Think of each other like a tree. No, I’m not going all Barbara Walters here — ‘If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?’ But let’s say you (the guy) are an oak tree. What is great about oaks? They are strong, majestic, and provide acorns which feed wild life. But they aren’t very flexible and would not ride out a hurricane very well.
“And you (the woman) are like a palm. What is great about palms? They bend in high winds, provide shade from the heat, and create dates or coconuts. But palms survive only in tropical or subtropical weather, so the environment has to be just right to thrive.
“You two go about your life together getting upset that the other doesn’t operate like you do. The oak gets upset that the palm is so wishy-washy (flexible) and that her seeds (coconuts) are so big they smash the acorns to bits when they fall. The palm is irritated that the oak is so rigid and his seeds are so tiny you can’t find them.
“If you would just step back and appreciate what each of you bring to the party. How each of you is magnificent in your own way, and encourage each other to be more of what you naturally contribute to the relationship. Embrace it and strategically utilize each other’s strengths rather than constantly wishing the other were more like you. I think you’d have more peace and love in your relationship, which is what you say you want.”
I left shortly after this discussion, so don’t know if it made any impact or not. Perhaps this can be a reminder for all of us to appreciate the different strengths each partner brings to the relationship, rather than wishing s/he were more like us.
Have you had success appreciating and embracing your partner’s differences rather than condemning them? If so, share how you did this.
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I recently read about a Lithuanian summer solstice ritual where at midnight unmarried women toss leaf and flower wreaths into rivers. The belief is that their wreath will be pulled out downriver by the man of their dreams.
Were it this easy to telegraph to the man of our dreams that we are available and awaiting his appearance!
While I admire their intentions, the execution leaves something to be desired. My romantic nature clashes with my practical side. Too many issues arise for this matchmaking technique to be plausible.
How would he trace my wreath back to me? Would I attach a laminated luggage tag with my cell number or business card? Or would he ride his white horse (better yet, white Mercedes) from upstream village to village holding my bedraggled wreath asking all unmarried-looking women if it was theirs? What would prevent my sisters in singlehood from saying “yes” even though it wasn’t, just to hook him?There are several versions of this Lithuanian ritual. One has single women bathing in the dew (just how would one bathe in dew? Lay out a towel or wash cloth the night before so it was saturated?) or rivers, as they believe on this day bathing in these sources increases one’s beauty. (If this were true, I’m sure Esteé Lauder would be bottling this and selling it as “eau de dew.”) In some places girls wake before dawn to wash in the dew and return to bed hoping to dream of their future husbands. I’m afraid I’d never be able to participate in this version of the ritual as I rarely arise before dawn except to catch a plane, never to catch a man, or even a glimpse of my future one.
Another version has both men and women floating wreaths with candles on them in the rivers. If the wreaths of a woman and man float together, it is a sign that they will wed. So I’d need to be careful what guys are standing around me as they are most likely to have wreaths that commingle with mine.
While my cynical nature wants the data on how many Lithuanians have found their life partner this way, if I were in Lithuania on the solstice I would defiantly drop my wreath in the water. I’d hope my guy had good night vision, an accurate snaring arm, and Bond-like sleuthing ability to find me.
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Many years ago I heard a speaker state that 95% of communication in a romantic relationship should be acknowledgment. In other words, most of what you say to each other should be positive, complimentary and affirmative of the other.
This made me look at my own communication with my then husband. I didn’t track the percentage of acknowledgment, but I’m sure it wasn’t near 95%. Most of our communication was about daily tasks (what shall we have for dinner, who’ll pick up the dry cleaning, updates to our personal calendars). There was some discussion about daily events and some about our relationship, people in our lives, and getting advice from the other. While we weren’t nitpicky or regularly critical of each other, I noticed we weren’t overly complimentary either.
Since I tended to voice my dissatisfaction more than him, I decided to step up my acknowledgment of him and reduce anything that could be construed critical. I’d save anything that he might feel was not positive to only the big things that were really important to me. I’d begin to shower him with compliments.
It was hard. Not that there weren’t positive things to notice and comment on, but you have to train yourself to not just see something, but to say something.
And then how complimentary should one be about mundane things? Does it sound condescending when you say, “I’m glad you put on your seat belt” “Thanks for taking out the trash,” and “I appreciate it when you put your dirty clothes in the hamper”? When these are minimal co-living standards, should they be acknowledged? When I was a teenager, my mother complained that we never complimented her on dinner, so I suppose even agreed-upon chores still need acknowledgment.
My friend Mike Robbins is a master at how to verbally appreciate someone and have them hear it. He speaks on “The Power of Appreciation” and has a
soon-to-be-released book titled “Focus on the Good Stuff: The Power of Appreciation.” I invited Mike to present to 50 managers as part of a year-long management training program I was leading for a client. Within an hour, he had taught these managers the skills they needed to share sincere appreciation with each other, and to take these skills back to their departments. I watched seasoned managers get touched to tears hearing their colleagues’ comments about how they made a difference in the other’s life.
I’ve brought Mike’s teachings to my dating adventure. I am more conscious of sharing my appreciation on a date, especially when I know he’s gone out of his way for me. Mike teaches you to not just say, “Thank you for taking me to such a lovely restaurant.” But to add, “I know you put effort in choosing a place you thought I’d enjoy. Your thoughtfulness makes me feel cared about and closer to you.”
Granted, I am not the master at this that Mike is and I still have a ways to go in practicing this regularly. But when I have remembered to do this, I’ve seen my date not only smile, but stand up a bit taller and seem to beam a bit.
In “Help your date notice his riches” I talked about commenting on things you think a date does well. Try coupling that with acknowledging how his behaviors make you feel good and see what happens. Write back after you’ve experimented with us and tell us what happened.
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