Dating-over-40 advice by the Dating Goddess™
I am in SE Asia this week, having spoken to a conference in Jakarta earlier and am now in Penang, Malaysia, where I did a presentation Friday. I connected with a friend of a friend who offered to show me the island of Penang on Saturday. She had a conflict at the last minute and coerced a friend of hers, Martin, to play tour guide.
In the film version of “Cabaret,” Joel Grey sings, “If You Could See Her.” This song extols his love for an unconventional female — a gorilla dressed as a woman. He sees her charm and beauty even though he knows these virtues are not easily seen by others. The lyrics say, “If you could see her thru my eyes.”
The lyrics remind me of how we feel when a suitor communicates his appreciation of elements of us for which we don’t share the same fondness. Perhaps he compliments you on characteristics that you haven’t embraced — he thinks you are clear and decisive when you think you can be stubborn. He likes your independence but you attribute that to your not having great skills in including others in your plans. He salivates at what he considers your sexy thighs when all you see is chubbiness and cellulite.
I bet you know the Buddhist proverb, “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.” This is true in dating as well as other areas of one’s life.
We don’t usually think of people in our lives as our teachers, but they are. This is true for our dates too.
You have agreed to be exclusive with your beau. But he is not providing all he’s agreed to when you each articulated your needs to be exclusive. You’ve reminded him of the things you said you needed and he said he’d provide. He acknowledges he knows. He does not say he can’t give you these things or that they will take time. You’ve given him what he said he needs. But he isn’t consistent with coming through on what is important to you.
So he has to step up.
And if he won’t or can’t, he has to step aside.
The term “independent woman” is often seen in men’s profiles who seek self-sufficient women. It is their way of saying they want a woman who has a life of her own, interests, friends, a career and sufficient income. They don’t want someone who is clingy, reliant on them for all entertainment and definitely not someone they would need to support financially.
However, I have a new understanding of some men’s definition of “independent.” In addition to the above, it can mean “a woman who doesn’t need much from me in terms of a relationship. We can both come and go as we please, and hook up when the whim strikes. Little communication needs to occur between hook ups. I don’t want to put much time or energy into the relationship. Hey, we’re both busy people.”
It can be hot, steamy and mouth watering. With a great recipe and tasty condiments, it can be delectable.
But just as with the first waffle, the first time with a new love can also be anemic and unsatisfying. In fact, many midlife daters report the initial romp to be less fulfilling than they hoped. Even with someone with whom they are emotionally and physically excited.
An older, wiser gal pal and I were talking about relationships, and specifically the one I was in at the time. I was sharing that I loved, loved, loved being with my guy, but his contact between dates every 7-10 days was intermittent, and he didn’t set future dates beyond the next day. This was vexing, as I am a planner, and liked to know when I’d be seeing him so I could schedule friends at other times.
“He is in control. He calls you and sees you when he wants. It is you who asks, ‘When will I see you.’ It should be the other way around.”
A DG reader writes:
I’ve been dating my 56-year-old boyfriend for a six months. I enjoy his company, both in and out of the bedroom, and he says he enjoys mine too. In the beginning, we’d go out to dinner, plays, concerts, movies, picnics, bike rides, etc. Now, he says he has to work late and comes over just to spend the night — including pre-sleep activities, if you know what I mean.
I want a boyfriend, not a booty call. When I tell him I want to go out more and do things, he says he knows. He’s just overloaded at work now and has to work late and on weekends, so the only time we have to see each other is at night. Uh huh. When I complain a lot, he’ll take me out to dinner, but as soon as we are back at the house, he starts seducing me.
I have no idea if he is working in the evening and weekends, or at home or out with the guys. He only has a cell phone and often doesn’t answer. I’m concerned that he just sees me as a f-buddy and is faking the work excuse.
How do I let him know I want more than a sex buddy? I’ve told him, but he hasn’t done much to make me see that he is willing to be with me for more than a roll in the hay.
Our relationship hung on my response to one question in an IM. Depending on how I responded, I would either end the highly passionate but sometimes frustrating relationship or would save it from sudden death and allow us to continue to explore our connection.
It reminded me of the movie “Sliding Doors,” staring Gwyneth Paltrow. In it we see how her character’s life unfolds both if she catches the subway train home one day and if she does not. Such a seemingly inconsequential event, but the major repercussions are shown in how her life progresses depending on whether she makes it back to her apartment and catches her lover with another woman or not.
Such was a turning point for me with how I answered his question. However, unlike Paltrow’s character, I was clear how one answer would play out, but not certain how the opposite answer would.
In dating, it’s easy to take things personally if there are problems or hiccups. Sometimes the guy you’re seeing does or says something that is a reflection of his attitude toward you, and you take offense.
But often his behavior has nothing to do with you. It’s harder to realize this when he attributes positive feelings to you that would be impossible to come by after only a meeting or two.
I learned this when a man I went out with once told me he loved me at the end of the date. It happened again yesterday.
Dating Goddess reader Dale wrote:
I recently jointly decided to be exclusive with a man I’ve been dating for a little while. However, I’d been multi-dating and although I’ve told the others I’m going to focus on one man right now, several are interested in my letting them know if it doesn’t work out.
How do you deal with dangling men who are waiting in the wings? Do you still respond to their calls, emails, IMs and/or texts, even though they have dialed back their flirting and wooing? Am I cheating on my guy if I stay in touch with these guys who are now somewhere between friend and suitor? I’m not sure where the line is between appropriate pal contact and kinda dating? I’d be mortified if my guy thought I was two-timing him.
