One of the hardest things in dating is when one of you misinterprets the other’s niceness or politeness for interest. I’ve been on both sides — the misinterpreter and the misinterpreted. Last night I was on the latter side. Neither feels good.
Tag: midlife dating
-
He suggests getting naked — for the second date!
It’s not what you think. Yes, he suggested getting naked, although he didn’t say it that bluntly.
-
Can he afford you?
While in Dubai, I befriended a 28-year-old local professional man who shared the romantic reality for many like him. His description made me think of some parallels to Western dating, although, of course, there are huge differences.
-
Uneven ardor
It’s wonderful when dating someone who has the same level of infatuation you do. It’s fabulous to both feel similarly smitten.However, my experience is it isn’t that common to feel equal adoration. One of you is typically more entranced than the other.
(more…) -
Playgirl glory
It took five months of occasional email exchanges to finally meet. It was worth the wait.
Why so long? He had been traveling the world for a non-profit project he founded. He was in the States infrequently during the past year, and even more rarely at his home in my area.
As part of getting to know each other, he sent me a link to his project’s Web site where I learned more about him. Armed with his unique full name, it was easy to Google him.
Through this sleuthing I uncovered that he had been not only a Marine fighter pilot — but also a Playgirl “Real Man of the Month!” Granted, that was nearly three decades ago. During our first phone conversation, I commented on his Web page. He said laughingly, “If you get me drunk enough I’ll tell you some stories that I couldn’t put on the page.”“Will that include the Playgirl story?” I asked playfully.
-
Midlife dating etiquette
The other day I was asked me for some rules of etiquette for when one is beginning to date. While etiquette is, according to the dictionary, “the customary code of polite behavior,” there are no hard and fast rules. What is rude to one is not a big deal for another. Following are what I’ve heard are common complaints from both genders. You may not have a challenge with any item, but I think it’s important to know what may be considered good- or ill-mannered by another.Both genders:
- Respond promptly to online contacts, even if you’re not interested. Don’t let someone linger in limbo. If you’re not interested, send them a kind, “Thank you, but we’re not a match” email. (Some people think no response is better than an outright rejection, but the majority of people I’ve talked to about this would rather hear a polite “no thanks” than nothing at all.)
- When on the phone, give the other your full attention. Don’t grocery shop, watch TV, read your email, or surf a dating site. I experienced the latter during an initial phone call with a potential suitor. At first I was impressed that he was referring to items on my profile; then he digressed to reading me emails he’d received from woman wanting to make contact.
- When together, don’t answer your phone, unless you’ve specified in advance that your child or boss may call. If you do answer, make it very brief, not “No, I’m not doing anything. What’s going on with you?” Believe it or not, I’ve heard this from people over the age of 40 on a date. If the call is going to be more than a 30-second “Let me call you back in a few hours,” excuse yourself and take it outside.
- When face to face, give the other your focus. Don’t check out others as they walk by. We can see your eyes look people up and down! The same is true at a party or bar where you are looking over the person’s shoulder.
- Be on time. In fact, being a little early is even better. You can then stake out the quietest spot, as well as observe the posture, walk and attire of the other. I met a man once who had arrived early and staked out a table, so I didn’t see him walk in. Only when I picked up something I dropped did I noticed his both pants legs’ hem had come unsown so were ragged and dragging on the floor.
- Get cleaned up. That means wearing neat, clean, ironed, well-fitting clothing in good repair. Brush your hair and teeth before the meeting. Take a shower that day.
- Don’t be critical of the other. It takes a long time to develop enough trust to be allowed to give critical feedback.
- Don’t talk about other people you are dating. When you disclose you are seeing others, you don’t need to give details, even if asked.
- Don’t lead on the other if you have no interest.
- Limit your discussion of your ex(es) and try to find a way to say something positive about him/her. If you’re only bashing, you’ll sound bitter and negative, which is unappealing.
- Share the conversation, don’t hog it. Think of questions about the other that you want to know. Work to not ask the same questions every other person has asked your date.
- Don’t talk about sexual topics before meeting or on the first date.
- Limit your alcohol consumption to one or two drinks on the first encounter. Alcohol impairs your judgment and you may make decisions you’ll later regret.
- When you’ve decided you don’t want to see the other again, have the courage to say so as pleasantly as possible. Don’t take the coward’s way out and stop responding to emails and calls.
Women:
- Don’t practice arbitrary rules, like only having one contact with a man per day. If you both like to email or call a few times a day, do it. Don’t limit yourself by what some “expert” says to do — including this one.
- Don’t accept a date with a man you have no interest in just for a free lunch, dinner, or concert.
- Do not put on lipstick or make up at the table. Excuse yourself to the ladies’ room.
Men:
- Pick a first rendezvous spot where you’ll be comfortable treating. While it is the 21st Century, the norm is still for the man to treat on the first date unless the woman has made it clear she’d prefer to go dutch. Coffee dates are perfectly fine for a first meeting. Don’t feel you have to go to a fancy place to impress her on the first encounter.
- Brush up on gentleman’s etiquette: ask her to order first, open doors, walk by her side, not in front unless it’s in a crowd. Know which fork to use, which glass(es) and bread plate are yours, and when to put your napkin in your lap (when you first sit down). Buy a book on male etiquette from your local independent bookstore.
- Don’t ask out a woman you have no interest in just for a sex, unless you’re positive that’s all she wants, too. Ask, don’t assume.
Everyone can benefit from an etiquette review every once in a while, just as they could from a driving review. Don’t assume you have nothing to learn. Ask your opposite sex dating buddies for what bugs them about the your gender during dating.
What have I left out? What etiquette gaffes have I overlooked? Share your thoughts in a comment.
Technorati Tags: dating Internet, dating online, senior dating, bbw dating, mature dating, dating over 50, dating over 40, online dating advice, dating after 40, dating after 50, over 40 dating, 40+ dating, dating after forty
Got a topic on dating after 40 you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com. -
The power of appreciation in dating
Many years ago I heard a speaker state that 95% of communication in a romantic relationship should be acknowledgment. In other words, most of what you say to each other should be positive, complimentary and affirmative of the other.
This made me look at my own communication with my then husband. I didn’t track the percentage of acknowledgment, but I’m sure it wasn’t near 95%. Most of our communication was about daily tasks (what shall we have for dinner, who’ll pick up the dry cleaning, updates to our personal calendars). There was some discussion about daily events and some about our relationship, people in our lives, and getting advice from the other. While we weren’t nitpicky or regularly critical of each other, I noticed we weren’t overly complimentary either.
Since I tended to voice my dissatisfaction more than him, I decided to step up my acknowledgment of him and reduce anything that could be construed critical. I’d save anything that he might feel was not positive to only the big things that were really important to me. I’d begin to shower him with compliments.
It was hard. Not that there weren’t positive things to notice and comment on, but you have to train yourself to not just see something, but to say something.
And then how complimentary should one be about mundane things? Does it sound condescending when you say, “I’m glad you put on your seat belt” “Thanks for taking out the trash,” and “I appreciate it when you put your dirty clothes in the hamper”? When these are minimal co-living standards, should they be acknowledged? When I was a teenager, my mother complained that we never complimented her on dinner, so I suppose even agreed-upon chores still need acknowledgment.
My friend Mike Robbins is a master at how to verbally appreciate someone and have them hear it. He speaks on “The Power of Appreciation” and has a
soon-to-be-released book titled “Focus on the Good Stuff: The Power of Appreciation.” I invited Mike to present to 50 managers as part of a year-long management training program I was leading for a client. Within an hour, he had taught these managers the skills they needed to share sincere appreciation with each other, and to take these skills back to their departments. I watched seasoned managers get touched to tears hearing their colleagues’ comments about how they made a difference in the other’s life.I’ve brought Mike’s teachings to my dating adventure. I am more conscious of sharing my appreciation on a date, especially when I know he’s gone out of his way for me. Mike teaches you to not just say, “Thank you for taking me to such a lovely restaurant.” But to add, “I know you put effort in choosing a place you thought I’d enjoy. Your thoughtfulness makes me feel cared about and closer to you.”
Granted, I am not the master at this that Mike is and I still have a ways to go in practicing this regularly. But when I have remembered to do this, I’ve seen my date not only smile, but stand up a bit taller and seem to beam a bit.
In “Help your date notice his riches” I talked about commenting on things you think a date does well. Try coupling that with acknowledging how his behaviors make you feel good and see what happens. Write back after you’ve experimented with us and tell us what happened.
Technorati Tags: dating Internet, dating online, senior dating, bbw dating, mature dating, dating over 50, dating over 40, online dating advice, dating after 40, dating after 50, over 40 dating, 40+ dating, dating after forty
Got a topic on dating after 40 you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.
-
You can tell a lot by your date’s … driving
I don’t recommend you get in a date’s car until you’ve gone out with him at least three or four times. But when you do, notice how he drives. It will tell you a lot about his personality. Here’s my take on driving habits and what they can tell you.
- Tailgates — He’s impatient and somewhat reckless. If you say something and he gets defensive, he’s not open to feedback and doesn’t care about your comfort and sense of safety.
- Swears, complains — If he frequently swears at other drivers or continually complains about traffic, he doesn’t know how to let it go. There’s nothing he can do about traffic, so why complain?
- Weaves in and out of traffic; cuts in a too-tight space — Impatient, trying to jockey for position. This dangerous habit will gain 1-2 minutes. Who cares — unless you’re going into labor in the car or bleeding all over it!
- Doesn’t use turn signals — He doesn’t care that his actions have impact on others, so sees no need to communicate what he’s intending. This may be a portent of his lack of communication with you.
- Goes exactly the speed limit in the fast lane — Even though others are passing him on the right, he insists on staying in the fast lane because “I’m going the speed limit. They can go around.” Can we spell “control”? He justifies this obnoxious behavior because he is “right” and ignores that he is a traffic hazard.
- Passes people who are in line on exits and on ramps, then squeezes in — No regard for others. Thinks his time is more valuable than others. Takes glee in saying, “What suckers!” as he passes them on the shoulder. This man has problems.
- Gives others the finger — Lack of anger control, not willing to give others any grace. If he gets anger over something so trivial, what will he get angry at you about?
Speeds excessively — Lack of regard for laws, recklessness, trying to show his bravado. He isn’t showing his respect for your safety.- Goes through yellow signals at the last minute — Most accidents on city streets happen in intersections. People jump the green and hit those who are in the intersection when it turns red. His disregard for the yellow warning is reckless and self-focused on his desire to not wait the 90-120 seconds for the next green light.
- Stomps on the gas at green lights — He thinks driving hard shows how manly he is. I think it shows how stupid he is, as he’ll waste more gas, burn through more tires, and possibly get in a wreck with those who, like him, are impatient so blow through yellow lights.
- Rolls through stop signs — He uses the excuse that, “There’s no one around” to ignore basic traffic laws. This shows he does not understand the concept that character is what you do when no one is around to see.
- Multitasks — if he tries to drink coffee, eat, talk on the cell phone and change the radio station/CD all at once, he isn’t paying attention to his driving. He will probably multitask with you, as well, not giving your focused time.
- Honks — there is little need to honk unless there is an immediate danger. Honking to express anger is immature.
- Shows consideration of others — If he lets in those trying to merge and generally is considerate of others, he’ll probably show consideration for you as well.
- Drives safely — He’s showing he respects his, yours and others’ lives. He is conscientious and alert. He may desplay those characteristics in his relationship with you.
If he is riding in your car, you can tell a lot about him, too.
- He tells you where to turn, even though you’re familiar with the area — If he doesn’t ask if you’d like his assistance, this is the sign of a control freak. If you say something, his response will be, “I’m just trying to help.” He doesn’t realize that you don’t want his help unless you ask.
- He tells you where to park — He is treating you like a child who can’t see a parking place on your own. There is a difference, however, between “Park there” and “There’s an empty one over there.” One is a demand and the other is a suggestion. If you want his help finding a space, ask.
- He unjustifiably finds fault with your driving — “You’re such an old-lady driver,” “Just pass this idiot,” or “Can’t you go faster?” Tell him to shut his trap unless there’s a danger or you ask for his opinion or help.
What else have you learned about your date by driving with him?
Technorati Tags: dating Internet, dating online, senior dating, bbw dating, mature dating, dating over 50, dating over 40, online dating advice
Got a dating-after-40 topic you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.
-
Knight and day
How many women have said they want a “knight in shining armor”? Well, I found one. Literally. His after-work life involves teaching historical swordplay and leather craft. He often gives dueling demonstrations at Renaissance faires.He introduced himself by email the other day. (I wonder if it’s hard to type while wearing metal gloves. Maybe I should say he chain-mailed me.)
He’s also called me twice. (Must be fun to see an armor-wearing, sword-wielding guy on a cell phone.) We jested about jousting and how he could pun in his classes: “Do you get my point?” “This one will slay you.”
He seems to be on a crusade to woo me. (Will our first date be at Round Table? Will he pick me up on a white
horse?) I think I would like being referred to as “M’Lady” and being treated like a queen. His bowing when I enter the room might get old, but I should try it before I decide.If we move in together, would we buy Costco-sized armor polish? And just how does one launder a codpiece? In a cold, warm or delicate cycle? Would we get a giant circular table for when his knight-friends visited?
It might be fun to live in a castle, although I rarely see castles in the local real estate listings. Would you have to get a variance for a moat?
A modern-day Lancelot has allure, but there would be some barriers (hopefully not hot-oil filled ones). While he has a ready-made Halloween costume, I just don’t have the wardrobe to accompany a knight — by day or night. If we were invited to a suit-required event, would I have to specify, “Not the metal one”?
It would be comforting to know I’d be out with a man who would fight (and no doubt win) if my honor was impugned. But I just don’t see myself hanging out at duels. Could I bring my laptop and would there be a wireless connection?It seems we are fond of different centuries. Perhaps I’ll let this one pass. Or I might just have an ale with him to see if he’s as sharp as his sword.
If it didn’t work out, I have my exit line ready: “Good knight, good luck”!
Technorati Tags: dating Internet, dating online, senior dating, bbw dating, mature dating, dating over 50, dating over 40, online dating advice
