over 40 dating

You’ve been dating a man for 2 months. There have been some issues to work out, but generally you really like the man. A discussion of exclusivity comes up. You each share what you need from a relationship to be exclusive and the other agrees to try to provide it, or if you know you can’t make meet a need, you say so. You both decide you’d really like to focus on each other and not date others. You agree to only see each other and remove your profiles from any dating sites.

A few weeks pass and your man is making some attempts to provide what you say you need, but the effort is inconsistent. You rack it up to he’s trying and you don’t expect perfection. But you aren’t consistently getting enough of what you want and you’re feeling disappointed.

On a first date, a man asked if I was a glass-half-full or half-empty kind of gal. Although a tad trite, no one else had asked directly if I was optimistic or pessimistic. I wondered who would admit to the latter, although I know some are attracted to others who share a negative world view.

I am drawn to positive people, those who aren’t stopped by obstacles, but look for ways around them. People who don’t focus on what’s missing as long as what is present brings you satisfaction.

A man I dated for a while expressed his attraction to me in an interesting way: “You have whip appeal.”

Huh? I’ve heard of men being “whipped” by their woman, and it is not a thing most men would admit to. In fact, a man’s pals may tease him about being “whipped” if he seems too besotted by his woman.

You may answer, “No. A man has to treat me right or he’s out of my life, no matter how handsome he is.”

Or perhaps you realize that good looks do buy some good will, often more than is warranted. It isn’t something most of us are proud to admit, but yes, we do allow hunky men to get by with some behaviors we wouldn’t accept from others. Shallow, I know.

You’ve stayed with him because it is magical when you are with him. He treats you like a queen. You have interesting conversations. He makes you laugh. And when you touch — electricity. You know this combination is rare, so you’ve put up with the parts that aren’t great.

But your needs aren’t being met. You’ve shared with him several times the specifics of what you need in a relationship. You know he heard you as he’s repeated them back to you and you occasionally see attempts at his giving you what you want. But there’s not consistent effort. So you feel frustrated at not getting what is important to you.

This morning I received an IM from my most recent ex-beau apologizing for having hurt and disappointed me. It allowed me to have closure, even though I had already released him in my mind and moved on. But actual closure, if done sanely, maturely and with care, has value even though closure just in your mind can be satisfying.

In our 45-minute discussion I was able to tell him how deeply he hurt me and share my feelings. I had considered doing this via email but thought he might delete it without opening it. So the IM discussion gave me the opportunity to share with him my reaction to his insensitive text and I know he heard me, whether or not he fully understood how his actions affected me.

Bemoaning to a psychologist friend the tale of a recent particularly jarring breakup, he said, “You need to ask better questions early on.” He was right. I thought I was reasonably good about asking important questions, but I hadn’t asked the one he suggested.

I painfully learned that my beau of many months had no interest in working out anything that wasn’t exactly what one of us wanted. He barely tolerated my bringing up any of my unmet needs and finding a mutually agreeable solution. However, in this breakup I learned that if something wasn’t as he wanted it, he just called it quits. No attempt to discuss it or explore a solution. I couldn’t imagine how anyone would expect a relationship to be perfect without any modifications, but that apparently was his perspective.

A man discloses volumes during a dating relationship, but most revealing is how he breaks up. It’s almost a shame that there isn’t a break up early on as you’d see how he treats you.

If a man breaks up via text, IM, or email, I know he’s a coward, afraid to have a mature discussion about his feelings and the relationship. Most of the men who’ve broken up with me have done it this way or by just going poof, not contacting me again, nor returning my attempts to find out what’s going on.

Early in your relationship you both promised that if there was ever anything that bothered one of you so much to consider breaking up, that one would have the respect and courtesy to share this in person or at least on the phone, not in an email, text, IM or voice mail. Having been broken up with in each of these virtual vehicles by midlife men you’d dated for a while, you felt it was disrespectful.

Several months into your current relationship, your man went AWOL, not returning your calls, emails or texts. You had no idea where he was, or if he was OK. He had promised to make daily contact to check in, so after four days of silence you’d had it. You were ready to break up with him for his inconsideration and breaking his agreement — something that happened too frequently for your taste. You take your promises seriously and consider keeping or renegotiating commitments to be a sign of maturity, responsibility, and integrity.

I had a hot and heavy relationship with a man I dated for 5 months. It was one of those instant chemistry situations and after our second date we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. We saw each other once a week, sometimes for several days, even though he lived less than an hour away. He always brought me a gift, and in between visits he sent me daily loving text messages, IMs, emails, and/or e-cards. Nothing salacious, just romantic and sweet.

The relationship progressed quickly, something I told myself not to do. But I was so drawn to him, and he to me, it was futile trying to put the brakes on. It seemed we were both falling hard and fast.

I’m amazed at the number of accomplished, assertive, confident midlife women who confide in me a problem with the their dating relationship. The common sense solution is to talk to their guy about it.

However, many of these women seem squeamish at this prospect. When I ask why, they respond, “I’m afraid of losing him.”