Two weeks ago I started seeing Mr. Dreamboat. However, 3 weeks ago, Mr. 400MilesAway bought an airline ticket and made hotel reservations to come meet me this upcoming weekend. Mr. Dreamboat and I have gotten pretty close, although we’ve only had 3 dates. I don’t really have a desire to meet anyone else right now, but I want to meet Mr. 400Miles. He’s been sweet and attentive and I’d like to at least meet him before I make any conclusion.
What to do? Do I tell Mr. 400Miles I’ve met someone else so he shouldn’t come? Tell him I’ve beginning to see someone and let him decide if he wants to come anyway? Not say anything and see what evolves?
For over 3 months Mr. 400Miles has called me nearly every day, so we know quite a bit about each other’s lives. It seems cold to dismiss him — to tell him not to come, without at least giving it a chance to see if we click. But I also don’t want to lead him on if I’m not interested. But how do I really know if we’d click if I haven’t met him? People can be quite different in person than on the phone.
While I believe in dating multiple guys when it is casual dating, not when it seems one could be serious. I feel really great about Dreamboat, and hope it develops into a long-term relationship, but it is too early to really tell. So far, however, so great!
So if Mr. 400Miles arrives as planned, do I tell Dreamboat? Before or after? (Dreamboat will be out of town for the weekend, so he won’t miss my not being around.) Or only if it would be a threat to what he and I have? My prediction is Mr. 400Miles will be a nice guy, but based on our phone conversations, I don’t think there will be a romantic spark. If I’m right, would it help or hinder my relationship with Dreamboat to tell him? We haven’t promised exclusivity, but he’s said he isn’t interested in seeing anyone else. I told him I hadn’t seen anyone else during the two weeks since I met him, which is true.
What would you do if you were in my shoes? If you were Mr. 400Miles or Mr. Dreamboat, what do you think would be the right approach?
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12 responses to “The two-suitor conundrum: What would you do?”
If I’m Mr. 400Miles, I would not be coming to see you — after 3 months of daily calls — unless I was looking for something more than a casual friendship. (Granted, it might or might not happen.) Consequently, I would be really disappointed if I traveled to see you and your heart was really with someone else.
Since you already don’t feel a romantic connection with Mr. 400Miles, I feel you should not have him come visit. Tell him the truth — that you have begun a relationship which might have possibilities and want to let it develop. If the relationship with Mr. Dreamboat doesn’t work out, you can get back in touch with Mr. 400Miles, who may or may not be still interested then.
Just my two cents, but I feel having Mr. 400Miles come visit while you are building a budding relationship with Mr. Dreamboat isn’t fair to either of them, and represents an “I want to have it all and hedge my bets” attitude by you. Doesn’t feel clean to me.
Cupertino, you bring up some good points. Thanks for sharing them. I’m curious to see what others might say as well. So far, those who I’ve asked personally have split down the middle — see Mr. 400Miles and tell him not to come. Thus my asking my readers.
I’ve traveled three times to meet faraway women. To my surprise each one invited me to stay in her home. I told them all never to do this with anyone else. If they had anything going on the side, I couldn’t tell and so it didn’t matter. One meeting went nowhere because she had deep seated emotional problems that had not surfaced in email and phone conversations, one was a great long weekend and we still talk, and the last one has resulted in a bi-coastal relationship and my leaving Match.com. I think she may be the one.
Your ambivalence indicates you are still “dating,” and since Mr. 400 probably can’t use his airline tickets for anything else anyway, let him take the risk. It is his risk and his decision. Besides, Mr. Dreamboat may be doing the same thing you are doing, which is keeping a spare in case you go flat, so to speak. That’s why they call it “dating.”
As for traveling, I have had some women I talked with and liked and they wanted me to visit. Interestingly, while they were quite eager for me to spend the time and money to fly across the country, most of them wouldn’t consider anything reciprocal, like meeting half way. That became a deal breaker. When Mr. 400 comes, you are not obligated beyond the first cup of tea, not even for guilt if you have no interest.
Joel:
Thanks for the guy’s perspective. I appreciate your sharing it.
Several months ago a guy flew in to see me after talking with me for a week or 10 days, he “just had” to meet me. After dinner, where he brought in his own cheap wine, tried to French kiss me within 10 minutes of meeting me, and ate his lamb chops with his hands, I decided there wouldn’t be a second date. And as you say, I did so guilt free, as I hadn’t asked him to come visit me. He wanted to get together the next day, after suggesting he spend the night at the end of the first date, and I declined.
And yes, early on when Mr. 400Miles and I were talking about getting together, I did offer to meet him half way. I think that’s only fair when there’s a long distance involved. He wanted to come here this time though. If he sweeps me off my feet, I’ll offer to go there next time.
So thanks for your wisdom.
This scares me…my first blush is that you and Dreamboat have shared some very special time together! It sounds like your gut is telling you that contestant #2 isn’t going to develop romantically. I’m glad that I don’t have to make the call…what does your intuition tell you? I’m really enjoying dating-albeit reading about all your adventures 🙂
Thanks, Steve. My gut tells me to let it play out. Be respectful, don’t take advantage of his generosity (which I wouldn’t do anyway), don’t send signals I don’t mean, stay in integrity, assess and be honest with how I’m feeling.
Thanks for reminding me to go into this with an intention of being respectful of both Mr. 400Miles as well as Dreamboat.
Please let me know how it goes.
I am enjoying your blog, and the comments
I feel like an insider and its fun
Go on Godess. You are not committing to anyone of them yet so play it up. Why not?
Lilybeth — I did what you are now suggesting. As it turned out, Mr. 400Miles and I hit it off better than I anticipated. That was 10 days ago and I haven’t heard a peep from Dreamboat in a week. So I’m glad I didn’t upset the applecart anticipating that he’d be jumping to be in my life. I’m sad he seems to have disappeared, but 400Miles and I are still talking, so it’s good. In fact, I saw him for a few days when I was in his town last week on business.
WOW!!! All this random dating is sooooo flaky! First you think Dreamboat will be the one and then you hedge your bets and see 400 mi and never hear from Dreamboat. You need real tough skin to be in the dating world these days…I don’t think I can handle disposable dating. I prefer the old fashioned introduction way of dating or meeting somone through a mutal interest in participating in a hobby, business etc… this internet thing has both men and women suffering from ADD..kids in a candy store…always looking for the next one around the corner..never taking the time to get to know one another before clicking on the next profile…very sad….I am ready to give up…
Yes, Linda, you do need tough skin to date. The thing is even with the “old” method of introductions, meeting people in classes, business and hobbies, you have no idea of someone’s personal integrity. They could be great at business but totally flaky personally. Yes, there is some ADD, and there is a sense of something better might be around the corner. But you quickly find those guys out and release them.
Don’t give up! I’ve met some wonderful men in this adventure, so have faith!
[…] described a similar circumstance in “The two-suitor conundrum: What would you do?” But that situation was different in that I hadn’t met one of the parties, although he […]