Some men tell you they think you are attractive on the first or other early dates. Some will never tell you.
For two months I dated a man who never said he thought I was attractive. In frustration at his aloofness, one day I said to him, “I don’t even know if you find me attractive.” He said, “I’m pursuing you, aren’t I?” Since I didn’t consider this wealthy man’s once-a-week phone calls and occasional casual, home cooked meals much of a pursuit, I retorted, “Are you?” In other words, he didn’t feel he needed to tell me he was attracted to me or thought I was pretty or sexy. His actions — minimal as they were — should speak for themselves. So I guess he found me minimally attractive. Or he never learned to express himself to a woman in a way that would make her feel good.
Upon sitting down for dinner with another man for a first encounter, he looked at me, paused, and said, “You’re beautiful.” I smiled and said, “Thank you.” That was the last time I heard it for several months. When he uttered it again, I said, “Thank you. That feels good to hear.” He said, “I don’t tell beautiful women they are beautiful.” When I asked, “Why not?” he said, “Beautiful women know they are beautiful and they hear it all the time. It doesn’t mean anything to them because so many people tell them. Average-looking women know they aren’t beautiful, so if you tell them they are, they know you are lying. And women think that someone wants something from them if you compliment their looks. So I find it best to not tell women they are beautiful, pretty or sexy.”
Can you imagine? Yes, I know you can, but I’m guessing you’re as incredulous as I am about these attitudes.
So what about those of us who aren’t classically beautiful? Using the last guy’s logic, since he finds you beautiful, you must hear this all the time and have grown weary of hearing it. But if you have the kind of attractiveness that some find pretty and others find average, I bet you don’t feel you hear “You’re very pretty” too many times.
I think some men hold back telling a woman she is beautiful (or pretty or sexy) because they don’t want to come across as fawning, smarmy, unctuous or gushy. He doesn’t want a woman to think he has fallen for her based only on her looks, so then can be led around by his nose. When some women know a man is ga-ga for her, they use it to manipulate him. It’s happened for eons.
And of course, men can use these compliments as a “line” to get closer to you. As I discussed in “He had me from ‘You’re gorgeous!’” I was enamored with this guy from the get-go, but his salutation was only part of the enticing package. But alas, his thinking (or at least saying) I was gorgeous was not enough to keep him around after three dates. He went poof.
Intellectually we know that it only matters that we think we are attractive, and what others think isn’t our concern. But deep down we also like to know that the person we are dating finds us attractive and is able to express that genuinely. Yes, it can be overdone so that you think the man only wants to be with you because of your looks. But if he tells you sincerely and regularly, somehow it makes him more attractive too! And, of course, the more beautiful a person is on the inside, as shown through his thoughtfulness, kindness, caring, respect and attention toward you and others, his outer looks become more appealing. (See “Yummy is as yummy does.”)
How do you feel when a man tells you sincerely he thinks you’re attractive (beautiful, pretty, sexy)? And what have you done when a man you’ve gone out with for more than a month is stingy in this area?
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Men tell me quite consistently that I am beautiful and sexy but I don’t put much credence into their words. Some are very sincere when they say that I am more beautiful than my picture, but, I think most use the words as a line. To me it is just words. If a man really wants to compliment me and show that he finds me interesting and attractive than give me some actions. To me, a man who follows through on his promises, is willing to help when I need an extra set of hands, or will listen to me when I want to vent is more attractive (and gets more attention) to me than the dashing executive who whispers sweet nothings into my ear.
This was a very interesting article for me to read. I grew up with my older sister constantly calling me “dumb, stupid, and ugly.” Because of an eye problem, I believed it and developed very low self-esteem. I did not date because I was too shy. As a result I have been gullible to flattery. I am now finally realizing the difference. I have been told lately be several different men that I am attractive and desirable. I’m not sure how sincere it was now from one of them, but from the others I believe they were sincere and that has helped my confidence level even more. So much so that I finally feel strong enough not to let men take advantage of me. I have a whole new “game face” on and if they go “poof” I am not going to keep asking myself, “what did I do wrong?” In the future, if a man I am dating does not compliment me occasionally, I think I would tell him, “you know, it would be very nice to hear if you find me attractive and desirable once in awhile. It isn’t going to go to my head.”
You know, a lot depends on how and when it’ said. If it comes off as “a line,” I dismiss it. (But that doesn’t mean if it’s passed off in a charming way by a charming man, I’m not going to smile and thank him.)
Like many women, though, I often find compliments heard to accept. I’m working on it, though.
But I want to ask you all — how often do you compliment your date on something, whether it’s his clothes, smile, eyes, etc. (and, after you’ve been intimate, his well, ya know. A lot of friends have told me they don’t, and I was very surprised. I think for men, that is something they desperately want to hear).
OK – I am guilty of that. And even on occasion I explain it – whether it matters or does any good or not.
Basically – I do eventually acknowledge someone’s physical attractiveness then state (honestly) the following.
“…Yes you are very attractive, and I often do not say anything about it – though if that faded or if something happened to change that it would not matter. Someone that has my affection and commitment is going to have that whether they are deemed generally attractive or homely or something else. …”
And some women I have dated for a while were not what most considered to be attractive. Though as one bonds with them they naturally become so to me.
I know – it sounds like a bunch of crap – but every woman claims (read the online ads) that they want a man who is honest.
So I do usually acknowledge things like:
“That looks good on you…”
“You look good in that…”
when it actually is.
I find if someone constantly needs reinforcement of being pretty then I usually do not survive the relationship. So the man who said “I’m pursuing you, aren’t I?”, was just a tad insensitive.
When I get that kind of question I usually say that I do find them attractive, which I do, and that I don’t often acknowledge it (as in the statements above), then try to acknowledge it for a while honestly to turn around any valid insecurity. I also acknowledge the values that I find more important – when it is true and we know each other well enough to be believed – “Love the way you think…”, “I learned something new from you”(often), and last one: “Thanks for asking for directions”.
(Last one for humor).
To all the men out there: WE NEVER TIRE OF HEARING A COMPLIMENT, AND SAYING THAT YOU LIKE THE WAY WE LOOK IS ONE OF THE TOP ONES. Bottom line is, is you are interested, tell us you think we are beautiful.
I will tell you what happens when men are stingy in that area. My exhusband was. Even when I would go the extra mile he would never say anything. At some point I started asking “how do I look?” and he was say “OK” in a monitoned voice. Then we would go to a social event and his friends would say all the things I wanted to hear from him. When I finally confronted him about this, he simply said that he thought I was looking for a compliment and knew I what I wanted to hear so he didn’t. That is one of the reasons he is now living alone and it certainly shows that it is better to error on the side that she may tire of it. (I dought it)
My ex used to accuse me of “fishing for complements”, I guess I was because then didn’t arrive too often, so I tried to help them along. Now I’m get complements all the time (sincerely meant ones!) and was called modest as well. Who’s right? I know which one I’ll take!
wow great blog
I dont know i love to tell my wife shes beautiful. Sometimes i feel like she doesnt believe it and that saddens me because to me shes the only person i find attractive. She thinks i want an anorexic hoe, but she is so sexy to me. I love her, I think of waking up to her and falling asleep next to her all the time. I am considered very attractive by most standards, but still, it would feel sooooooooo good just to hear once in a while that she thinks im beautiful. Or that she still fidns me sexy. Or that she misses having sex with me. The only times she really does these things is when shes prompted. I know its not the sociatil norm for girls to tell guys that they are attractive. We are the stuffed in the box as the non feeling non needing pillars, and if you need, well then your weak. But im a person and i have feelings just the same as she does. Idk i guess ive always had a hard time seeing things in temrs of men and women, im a person, shes a person, i miss feeling pretty, especially when i try so hard to fix my hair and clothes for her. She does say its cute when i send her a pic, thats good i guess.
to Kat Wilder,
….compliment my you know what…that made me smile just thinking about it.
….most men don’t know, that,,,, sometimes,,,, compliments make a relationship sizzle. I like to give the high heel compliment. If she is wearing nice shoes, and taking short steps, she gets my wolf call….
Ya know….telling a girl she is attractive is a tricky thing sometimes. I honestly think that honesty when complementing is the way to go. I try to find something that is unique and attractive to complement on. The not just the smile, but the way she smiles, sort of thing. But when a woman is pretty sometimes you just gotta tell her. I think most women can tell when a guy is genuine in their complements. BTW loved your speech this weekend.
to Ralph,
…you are correct there, “complimenting a pretty woman” can be a sensitive issue, only because she, most likely gets compliments all the time….