Dear Fido

This guy kept coming to the top of my matches on one of the dating sites, so after a few months I decided to initiate contact. But I did so with his dog mentioned in his profile, which we’ll call “Fido” to protect his — and his owner’s — identity. The things mentioned are references to items in his owner’s profile.

Dear Fido:

You are cute! However I hope I don’t offend you, but I think that guy you live with is even cuter. While I hope I get a chance to meet you and appreciate your sense of humor, I already appreciate his.

I’m writing to you to see if you can give me the real scoop, as he seems like a guy I’d like to get to know. Is he really as intelligent and funny as he appears in his profile? Or is that hyperbole to entice ladies to meet with him?

While I don’t row or spearfish, I do enjoy some of the same things: hiking, biking, I’ve even done some beginning SCUBA in Hawaii. I, too, am educated and well-traveled, and, like him, I love learning which has also increased “my awareness of how little we really know.”

He says I’d get bonus points if I recognized the schools affiliated with various mascots. My high school mascot was the Trojans, do I get points for that? In fact, as Sr. Class President, I was star of a tasteless skit about Trojans, and no, it was not referencing our mascot!

So, give me the skinny. What is he really like? He keeps showing up in my matches, so do you think we’d be a good match? If so, can you put in a good word for me when he’s especially susceptible, like when you’re snuggled up with your head on him and looking at him with those big eyes of yours? If you give me the inside scoop I promise to brush you and give you lots of treats. What do you say?

(Fido’s response)

Hi Goddess!

Sorry for taking so long to get back to you but I had to show your letter to my dad since I am not yet two years old and he doesn’t like me to write to older women. He looked at your profile and said that you looked safe, looked at your note to me and said that you are obviously creative and funny and looked at your picture and said that you are very pretty. He then wanted to write to you himself but I reminded him that you letter was to me, not him.

Well, I can tell you this, if you go out with him and mind very well, you can look forward to having your ears scratched and your side rubbed until your leg kicks. And, if you climb up in his lap, he will love you up until you go to sleep.

My dad was always very supportive when I was growing up. For example, he wanted me to get a good business education, so he spread out the Wall Street Journal on the kitchen floor for me to read when I was a pup. I remember getting too agitated over some of the articles and making statements on them before he got home. I guess, I’m just a Blue State kind of dog. I even learned some French this way but my dad says that my pronunciation suffers a bit, given my focus in life. For example, before each meal I say, “Bone apetite” and he says that’s close but not really right. What do you think?

Do you have a dog for me to play with? Both my dad and I like playmates that don’t growl or bite and don’t arch their back and seem mean. We both like friends that like to run and play and go to the bathroom before we get in the car. I don’t think he likes friends that drool on the side of the car when they hang their heads out the window either. I don’t know how you two would ever figure out if you like each other since my dad says it’s not polite to sniff. I just think it makes sense since I can find out if my friend is really a girl, is hot to trot, where she’s been and what she’s eaten.

Maybe you two should get a good rubber toy and play tug of war and chase each other. It works for me. If you would like to actually talk with me, you can call me at XX. My dad may answer if I’m sleeping but that’s OK because then you can talk with him…

Fido (the hound of renown)

Dearest Fido, hound of renown:

Thank you for writing. Since it had taken awhile, I thought perhaps I had been too forward, or that your dad had found another (prettier, sexier, thinner, smarter, funnier) woman. I’m glad that you don’t think that’s the case. And you would know, wouldn’t you?

«I am not yet two years old and he doesn’t like me to write to older women.»

He is wise.

«He then wanted to write to you himself but I reminded him that you letter was to me, not him.»

He is welcomed to write himself. But I am glad you took the time to compose such a great letter.

«mind very well, you can look forward to having your ears scratched and your side rubbed until your leg kicks. And, if you climb up in his lap, he will love you up until you go to sleep.»

Yum! I will work very hard to mind if those are my rewards! Although I haven’t been as well trained as you obviously have, so I hope there’s no hitting with the newspaper involved if I misbehave. Sometimes I’m at my best when I’m misbehaving! Usually a look or stern voice are enough for me to see the error of my ways.

«”Bone Apetite”…. What do you think?»

You are a very funny dog! I think I would cherish any dog who tries to speak French, no matter the pronunciation. If you will forgive mine, I will accept yours.

«Do you have a dog for me to play with?»

I’m sorry, I don’t. But this is good, because I can lavish my pent-up dog affection totally on you! I am very affectionate (without being clingy), so I will welcome the opportunity to pet, brush, play with and cuddle you. Perhaps a little will rub off onto dad. 🙂

«Both my dad and I like playmates that don’t growl or bite and don’t arch their back and seem mean. We both like friends that like to run and play and go to the bathroom before we get in the car. I don’t think he likes friends that drool on the side of the car when they hang their heads out the window either.»

I think I qualify on all accounts.

«If you would like to actually talk with me, you can call me at XX. My dad may answer if I’m sleeping but that’s OK because then you can talk with him»

I would like to talk to you both. However, Fido, what is Dad’s name in case he answers the phone? I know I can always ask for you, but he might have to interpret until I can communicate with you face-to-face.

Goddess

(After the first phone conversation)

Dearest Fido:

So we’re meeting for coffee. I’m not sure if you’ll be accompanying him or not. If not, I will have to meet you next time (assuming I’m not odious to him and there is a next time). Perhaps you can come to my house and chase some squirrels. You do like to chase squirrels, don’t you? My back yard is infested with them and if you’d like to make your presence known and scare them off, I’d be grateful (read: more treats and brushing for you).

I did, however, have to practically pry his name out of him! I thought it a bit awkward to keep calling him Fido’s dad, and I thought shortening it to just “Dad” was a bit presumptuous on a first conversation. He is hilarious, but you already know that. I think making each other laugh is key to a good relationship. I know, I know, you think a good walk, treats, and brushing are key. They are, I agree, for both dogs and humans.

Hey, he says one of his favorite books is The House at Pooh Corner! That cracked me up because for years when someone asked my favorite book, I cited that one! Wow! I’ve never met another adult who admitted to that in public! Cool! (I know, there were way too many exclamation points in that paragraph, but I was just excited. I’m calmer now. See, just periods.)

I hope to meet you soon. And thanks again for putting in the good word.

Goddess

Whoof!!!

(To our first meeting for coffee, I took a basket of dog treats, a Winnie the Pooh book and some fresh-baked homemade blueberry muffins, which I’d learned was one of Fido dad’s favorite foods.)

Goddess:

Thanks again for meeting me today. I really enjoyed getting to know you. I also appreciated your thoughtfulness in bringing the book and treats. The bagged [dog] treats were especially good and were very much like scones and very tasty with tea….

Fido’s Dad

Hi Fido’s Dad:

> Thanks again for meeting me today. I really enjoyed getting to know you.

Me, too. But then I’ve always been a sucker for intelligent, good-looking, Winnie-the-Pooh-loving guys who own Dobermans, like blueberry muffins, have a quick wit and make me laugh.

> also appreciated your thoughtfulness in bringing the book and treats.

It just felt like the thing to do to thank Fido for his yenta services.

Goddess

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