You’ve been dating a guy for a little while — no more than a month. You get along great, enjoy your time together, and perhaps have had a sleepover (or two). But you’re just getting to know each other, and you aren’t even sure if you’re interested in him long-term, although you enjoy his company. But there are some yellow flags that make you doubt that you’ll be together in six months. You try to put aside your concerns and just focus on enjoying your time together.
Then it happens. As he hugs and kisses you goodbye, he whispers in your ear, “I love you.”
You freeze. While you’ve longed to hear those three words — but not necessarily from him — you are caught off guard. What do you do? Do you utter “I love you” back, even though you know you are fond of him, but don’t quite feel “love” at this point? Or do you convince yourself that loving someone is the same as being fond of them, so it’s okay to say it?
If you hesitate too long, he’ll know it’s an obligatory “I love you,” not a heartfelt one. How do you respond — with “Thank you,” “I know” or “There are many things I love about you, too”? These sound so flat. But if you say those three words and don’t truly mean them, will more harm be done? So should you not say anything?
The quandary is when you know you care for him, am fond of him, yes, perhaps even love him, but you know you’re not in love with him. The former can be felt for anyone toward whom you have affection. The latter is for very few — someone who makes your heart beat faster, you ache for when he’s away, have a mix of excitement and calm when you hear his voice, and get those silly goose bumps when he strokes your arm or kisses you. “In love” is reserved for someone with whom you think you could go the distance, will have your back, and be your partner, mate or husband.
So, what do you say when he says “I love you” and you’re not ready to say it back? Maybe you know you’ll never be able to sincerely say “I’m in love with you,” but right now you have to say something.
At this time, a simple whispered, “Thank you, sweetie” should suffice. But the next time you talk, you need to bring up how you feel. Something like, “I really appreciated your telling me you love me the other day. I like how you are able to express your feelings to me. I want you to know that I am very fond of you, and it takes me a while to feel I love someone. I don’t want you to think I don’t care about you if I don’t say ‘I love you.’ And I don’t want you to feel you can’t say it to me if that’s what you’d like to do.”
But the larger picture needs to be addressed at some point. If you are both seeing this as an activity-partner-with-benefits relationship, then the “love” issue shouldn’t be a problem. But when one of you sees the other as “the one” and the other realizes that s/he probably won’t ever feel that way, best to get that out in the open. If it is you who is not feeling it, then it’s your responsibility to start the conversation and be as gentle as possible. You don’t want to lead him on if he has a different expectation.
However, I also know that this conversation can create hurt and upset, even if you’ve been honest all along that you’re not “in love.” False expectations can build up quickly. So best not to let the fantasies simmer.
What have you done when you’ve heard “I love you” before you’re feeling it, or when you hear it and know you’ll never feel similarly?
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Well, Christine, all my posts are based or informed by my own experiences, or those of my friends. Some are triggered by recent events, others by conversations I’ve had,or comments from DG readers. I usually reference a particular guy if I think it’s important for readers to know the context.
But sometimes I purposefully don’t reference a specific guy as I want the lesson or insight to stand on its own. Make sense?
Sometimes I love You just slipps out doesn’t it? I have just said back, “I love being with you too sweety–its been great/fun/hot/intense” and then LET IT GO. I don’t believe in getting into all the lengthy discussion crap and I don’t think men want that–it’s just uncomfortable.
Nice post. I can’t say I’ve ever blurted that out to a girl, but hopefully I will get the chance one day.
I wish there was a better vocabulary to express one’s feelings during the beginning stages of a relationship. It is easy to tell someone what they are feeling, but when you express it yourself, it sounds so cold. At the beginning, there is an initial attraction that can be all consuming, but is the most superficial level of “love”. You feel you “love” the person. When we see it in our kids, we tell them you have a crush, puppy love, etc.
How do you express your feelings to the other person? I have a crush on you? I am infatuated with you? Nothing sounds right to me. So, I am left with “I like you a lot”; telling her “you look beautiful”; and silently baring my soul as we gaze into each other’s eyes. This leaves me very sad because of all the emotions bottled up looking for a way to escape. And, so I write a love letter.
Some relationships develop very quickly. If there is mutual attraction, it can get to the infatuation stage by the 2nd date. When that happens, it is magical. Bethany, in your situation, it seems like it is very one sided. You may like him, but nothing close to what he is feeling. Unfortunately, it may be a sign of a very needy person. And, like Mike commented on “Are your early contact expectations out of whack?”, your best course of action may be to run.
Short of that, you can tell him you appreciate his feelings for you. Tell him he is feeling the rush of initial attraction, and that it takes time to develop true love. That you like him and would like to get to know him better. On the 3rd date, it is not unkind to be brutally honest on this matter. It is something he needs to learn and control.
The harder situation is the one described in this post. There is a relationship, and one person wants to take it to the next level, and the other is not ready. That can be heartbreaking.