I was once contacted by a man who said in his profile that he was “slightly kinky.” When I asked what he meant exactly, he said he’d explain in person. He was a perfect gentleman on the phone and in emails, so I thought it was worth a coffee meeting to find out. I’ve learned that one person’s kinky is another’s normal, so I decided not worry too much about it until he explained. During our coffee date, he elaborated that he was a cross dresser on occasion. Okey dokie.
But another man didn’t even hint at his unconventional preferences until an email nearly a week after our first lunch. We’d had a dozen emails, phone conversations and IMs and nothing was even hinted at beforehand. I know people share his sexual practices, but I’ve not met anyone personally who told me they did. So I’m thinking that this man should have placed an ad on kinky.com or something similar, not YahooPersonals.
However, an acquaintance who is a swinger into swapping, has an ad on YahooPersonals, as well as more provocative sites. He sent me his profile to read and he thought he was being explicit about his practices. He wrote that he was “adventurous” but he didn’t say “sexually adventurous.” He thought “adventurous” was enough. I thought it meant he liked to rock climb or participate in outdoor adventures. He said he told women from YP on their first coffee meeting that he attended swapping parties. I told him I’d feel duped if he waited until then to disclose such an important element of his life that would affect many women’s decision to meet him or not. I’d be irritated if I got dolled up and drove to a coffee meeting, then learned of his practice that I don’t support and wouldn’t date someone who did.
I felt a bit hoodwinked myself by the man who didn’t share his out-of-the-ordinary practices. I’d spent some time getting to know him and was interested in a second date. But I don’t share a proclivity for the experiences he described. And I doubt I’d learn to like those kind of activities.
When should one disclose such alternative tastes? I think you are beholden to at least hint at it in your profile or initial email, as the first man did. Did the second man think that I’d become so enamored with him that I’d ignore my own values? Did he think he’d scare off women if he shared earlier? He was just postponing the inevitable, but taking up someone’s time in the process.
When do you think someone should disclose any practices that they know others may find off putting?
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Tough question. For men it is inappropriate to get sexually explicit too soon. Women need to know we can observe basic rules of conduct – it’s one of the major ways of rulling out weirdo’s of all types. So engaging in a sexually explicit conversation too soon can be a red flag whether or not the specifics are a problem. And, as you said, kinky is in the eye of the beholder. I would say before a first date is too soon in most cases, but before sleeping with someone, if the “desires” are not optional, it’s a must. I think both sides need to be flexible about this topic. And if someone drops a deal breaker (either an undesirable behavior or a refusal to engage in what you need), don’t sweat the timing. Just move on.
Wow! DG, you read my mind! I just had this happen to me. I was dating a guy for 2 months when he happened to come forth and tell me just what all he was into. I was so surprised because every other sign pointed otherwise! He was pretty conservative in every way and had been a perfect gentleman on our first few dates. Everything progressed as it should have….I knew it was too good to be true! (He even volunteered for Habitat for Humanity EVERY weekend!) After I explained to him that I wasn’t into those types of things, I later found his profile on an adult website that I never even knew existed. When doing my research (google, etc) I’ll now add this to the list. Funny thing was, I didn’t even meet this one online…he was a fixup! Of course my friend was mortified! Live and learn!
What did all these kinks do before the Internet?
I think that, in general, “open-mindedness” is a code word for “Be prepared for unusual sexual activities”. I avoided any profiles containing it.
My feeling is that if various practices are that important to someone, then they should use dating services where they may be mentioned openly. Saves everyone’s time.
If either person considers a specific activity (kinky or not) to be a non-negotiable deal breaker, I’d rather know as soon as possible. I prefer people who are more flexible in their demands/requirements. As Gatti says, those people should use the dating services that cater to people with unusual desires.
Everybody’s idea of ‘normal’ is different, so I’m not sure where we would draw the line on using ‘regular’ vs. specialized dating sites.
As for bringing up specific sexual activities, unless your date is just a sex hookup, why would you mention them early on? That to me is a big turnoff when a man I’m on a first or second date with starts asking me whether I like certain sexual activities. My answer is, “Well, I’m not going to enjoy them with YOU.”
…allright Liz!!!
Actually, I doubt no one hopes to be “off putting” untoward another. Certainly, no one wants to date someone narrow minded or opinionated to the point they put their views on others.
Being open minded should not be considered offensive. It isn’t biased, bogoted, nor oppressive. It is free from prejudice, amendable to reason and receptive.
Many prefer someone feeling comfortable to share their provaclivities and sensibilities rather than have someone with major issues and inabilities about relating to people.
Pax et amor — Abilene, Texas