This weekend I had the opportunity to be with a handful of extremely smart, highly accomplished executive women friends. I noticed two things about our conversations:
- Some of the women add to the conversation only what they think would be of interest to others, not whatever crosses their mind at the moment.
- Some of the women are very generous listeners, not judging what comes out of another’s mouth.
While I count myself in the first category, I became painfully aware I am not always in the second. It made me think of my conversation habits on a date and how I resonate with dates who have a similar conversation style.
When on a date, do you share what you think might be interesting to the guy? Even if you are sharing a story about yourself and your life, it can still be of interest to him if he is interested in you. However, when the conversation becomes a monologue and the other shows waning interest, you need to switch the focus to him or a mutually interesting topic.
I work to be conscious of what falls out of my mouth so I don’t feel I’m prattling on. I also work to bring up topics that I think might be of interest to others, to not delve into fine details unless someone asks, and to not monopolize the conversation. However, I can also spew out comments meant to be witty or funny that are ill conceived and therefore not well received.
Perhaps because of my focus on being pithy, I’ve developed a low tolerance for those who aren’t. Which brings us to my struggles with category 2. On dates I try to be on my best behavior and if my date is belaboring a point, I work to give him some grace. But if he repeatedly recounts great details about things like the golf game he watched on TV, or his sister-in-law’s brother’s gallbladder problems, I’m out of there.
I believe you have conversation responsibilities in relationships, even budding ones. Optimally, you are both a conscious talker, focusing on what might engage the other and sharing air time somewhat equally, as well as a generous listener.
One of these astute women friends pointed out that even if someone you care for is talking about something in which you have no interest, you listen fully — because it is of interest to them. Her comment struck me as incredibly mature, evolved and loving. I saw I have some work to do to increase my generous, loving listening skills.
How about you? Are you a considerate and conscious talker? And a generous listener?
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I think listening to someone is a great gesture of acceptance and kindness.
Don’t we all feel great when someone cares enough to spend time listening to us? It takes practice to be a good listener I’m still working on it.
My SO told me that the fact that I listen to him and remember what he says is one of the things he appreciates most about me. It’s also one of the things I first loved about him.
Actually hearing what someone is saying without judging or interpreting is another way to let someone know that you truly care about them as a person – that you don’t want to hear what they think you want to hear, but what they actually feel. It opens a door to emotional intimacy that can be difficult for some, but is well worth the effort. Sometimes it takes a while for the “real person” to come out, but at least being non-judgemental give the other person a chance to become more comfortable with you – which I think is why initial conversations seem so difficult.