Dating after 40

I was surprised this week to hear from an out-of-the-area man who called me several times a week for a month a few months ago. We’d had a nice connection and he said he wanted to come see me soon, then he went AWOL with an occasional cryptic email. He’d told me he removed himself from the dating site because he’d found me and wasn’t interested in anyone else.

When you look through colored glass, it distorts the colors you see, especially colors in the same range. They are not as vivid as when you look through clear glass. The same is true in relationships. Rose-colored lenses diffuse red — especially red flags.

You are smitten. He is so perfect for you. He is not only everything on your list of the ideal man, he has many other bonuses too! He’s got that great smile, long eyelashes, cute butt. He knows how to brighten your day with brief text messages, but not too many that feel smothering. You are head over heels for him — a goner!

When we begin to date someone, nearly always he is a stranger. Even if you meet through friends, work, class, church or other activities, you most likely barely know him. While you want to be open and trusting, you also want to be conscious of inconsistencies that point to him not being who he represents himself to be. It is hard to balance giving someone the benefit of a doubt with being overly suspicious.

But when his actions or stories don’t add up, then take yourself out of the equation.

Here are some things you should note, although singularly an item could mean nothing. But if there are a number of these, proceed very cautiously or extricate yourself all together.

Unfortunately, this is becoming more common. And not just with men who list themselves from Nigeria or London — hot spots for scams (Nigerian scammers claim to be from London sometimes) — but from others who represent themselves as all-American.

After NPR’s Scott Simon ended his interview with actor/singer Terrence Howard, they walked out together. Scott said, “As we were leaving the studio … he grabbed my arm. ‘I touch you, my fingers leave an imprint,’ he explained. ‘The shape of my fingers will disappear. But maybe something I said will live on. Something you said to me will live on.'”

So it is with the potential suitors with whom we share an email, phone conversation, coffee, or more. If we listen carefully and ask thought-provoking questions, their answers may give you insight into relationships, men, or what you want or don’t want. Your questions or answers might do the same for them.

Most of the women I know underestimate their attractiveness, not overestimate it. It is easy to be acutely aware of each of your “flaws” since you examine millimeters of your face and body every day — sometimes at 5x magnification. I am astounded when I hear top models complaining about a crooked nose, uneven skin tone or wrinkles no none else would see.

But there are women who consider themselves hot, stunning, and/or breathtaking. Such vanity can either be a sign of true high self-esteem, focusing on only one’s positive attributes. Or it can be an outward showing of low self-esteem — if one believes herself ugly but thinks that pretending to be beautiful will make others believe so. Sort of like the Emperor’s New Clothes — if you project it, others will believe it.

DG reader Mike asks:

How long into a relationship is it healthy to say I love you?  Is it 2, 3, 6 months? I’m always told I’m doing it to early. I say it when I feel it.  However when the relationship ends my women friends tell me I’ve said it too early. I’ve also had women tell me they love me before I feel it’s appropriate. Is there a time frame I don’t know about?

Both parties in a budding relationship can sabotage it without knowing it. Whether it’s myriad small things or one deal breaker, these acts can make the other disengage and we may not even know what happened.

A pal shared an example of how a woman with whom he was beginning to have a relationship sabotaged his connection to her.

Dating Goddess reader Steve asks:

What is the best approach when you begin emailing someone from an online dating site, get interested, then exchange photos and lose most of your interest because the person is unattractive to you? Is this something worth pursuing? Sometimes people look better than their photos. Sometimes as we get to know someone better we become more attracted to that person. However, if there is no or very little attraction based on the photo despite the interesting email exchanges, is it worth pursuing the relationship?

There’s something backwards about online dating. You get to know the person before you ever find out if there’s a physical spark.

My pal shared his counter-stereotypical challenge: Women tried to seduce him before he felt the relationship merited it. Most of my dating men friends have stated they were ready for sex much sooner than the women they dated. Therefore I knew this pal was a rarity worth studying.

So I probed.

What is your preference for connection frequency once you begin to date a man regularly? Some people like daily chats, some think that is onerous. And when you do connect, what do you both want to hear and share?

I’ve been surprised when this issue is a bone of contention. I think most of us have the self-centric assumption that we’d share similar preferences with someone to whom we’re attracted. We may unfortunately eventually learn that attraction doesn’t necessarily mean similar values, preferences, or perspectives.