Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Category: Are you ready for Mr. Great?

  • The dating hobby

    Have you found yourself feeling that dating is a hobby? And just like some hobbies, you do it more or less often than other things you enjoy. I find myself immersing myself in some hobbies, then totally abandoning them for long stretches. And just like belly dancing, scuba diving or parachute jumping, you need specialized attire — dateware!

    scrapbookingIn the first two years of my new single life, when friends would ask what was new, I’d respond enthusiastically, “I’m dating!” accompanied by a big smile. It was as if I was announcing my new hobby of scrapbooking, Greek dancing, or spelunking. My search for a new love had become a recreational avocation.

    Is this a good thing or not? It depends on your perspective. If you are into sport dating, then you enjoy dating around and meeting a lot of people with no real intention of finding one for the long term. If you aren’t upfront about wanting to date around, some daters resent this attitude as they feel you are wasting their time.

    Others appreciate this more carefree attitude and gather activity partners like shoes, choosing which ones are best for a certain outing.

    There are two downsides to hobby dating:

    1. You may be commitment averse and not know it. If you’ve dated a lot and pull the plug after seeing a guy for a few weeks, it might be that it isn’t just that you’re too picky. Make sure you explore the possibility that you’re afraid of commitment.
    2. If you’re not honest with the men you date that you’re interested in only an occasional activity partner, he could be justifiably upset when he falls for you and you don’t respond in kind. Unrequited is never fun.

    Treating dating like a hobby allows you the freedom to meet people without the expectation of quickly finding The One. This also means you don’t soon get discouraged. You are more able to enjoy the person in front of you and get to know him without pondering “Would I marry him?” You are more relaxed, which means he’s more relaxed, which means you can lighten up and have fun.

    However, you have to hold back from accepting an invitation from someone you know you’d never consider a romantic partner, just to fill an evening. Unless you both have said you are just looking for friends and activity partners.

    Just as with any hobby, be clear on the parts of it that you enjoy and stop doing it when it isn’t fun anymore. No one likes to be around a lackadaisical or bitter companion for any hobby.

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  • “Are you man enough to be my man?”

    This can be a common thought for powerful, successful, midlife dating women. It was expressed by DG reader “Diamond” in a question to me:

    I’ve been in business my whole life. A friend’s mother shared this advice just prior to my running off to meet what I thought was the man of my dreams in London. She gently said, in a loving mother’s voice, “Do you mind if I give you a piece of advice about your man in London? Please don’t treat him like a business!”

    I have a hard time switching from client mode to date mode. I treat my date as I do my clients — I want to know up front, “What are your goals and objectives?” This is me, who are you? BAM! I’m sure I’m too direct for the first call. This doesn’t evolve over time — I want to know now so I don’t waste time.

    OMG — I don’t know how to date! The last guy went packing after our initial call. Run Forrest! Run!

    I even took a painting class to “get my girl on,” “open my heart,” take off my pants!

    Getting a massage, I asked my body worker for insights. She quipped, “I wish you could see your back as I am seeing it now.” Where are the ceiling mirrors when you need them? “Your right side is highly defined and your left side is lower, softer and not as defined as the right. The right side represents your male side and the left your female side. You are spending too much time in the male energy area of your life.”

    I asked, “Is there a book I can buy to be more like a girl?” So male of me.

    Later that night, I shared with the elders who had become my temporary grandmothers what transpired during my massage and they, too, laughed. One wise soul responded, “Dear, you do not need a book to be more like a girl. Simply go to your heart more and less from your head.”

    So, my questions:

    • How do you find a man more man than yourself?
    • Where are all the strong men that love strong women?
    • What does a strong woman do to leave the business side at home on a date?
    • How do you stay in a “skirt” when dating when all you do all day is wear “pants” at work?
    • How do you date when you have never dated because you have a belief that you only date someone if you are going to marry them?
    • How do you overcome the “I don’t want to waste my time” disease?

    Diamond (and other strong women):

    This is such a good inquiry. I, too, have struggled with this and am not sure I have answers, but perhaps some insights that will help you find your own answers.

    Many of us midlife women have created great lives through our focus, power and assertiveness. This is effective in the male culture of work, dominated with war and sports metaphors. We’ve learned how to dress powerfully, not provocatively, speak clearly and directly, stand with poise and confidence. It is so part of who we are that we have forgotten there is another more feminine side.

    The truly powerful, I believe, have learned how to adapt to each situation and behave in ways that make them successful. A general is gentle around children or the infirm, yet speaks assuredly to the troops. A CEO knows that behavior in the Boardroom is different than at the company picnic. So, too, we must relearn what it’s like to allow our femininity to come out and still be powerful.

    I am not saying you need to dummy down who you are. I’m saying that there are men who will love you for your power and will also love you when you allow your vulnerabilities to surface.

    I started my business at 24. I felt to be taken seriously I needed to look and behave man-like. I only wore man-tailored clothing, had a short, no-nonsense hair cut, light makeup and carried an all-business briefcase. I continued to do this long after my credibility had been established and the severity began to hinder my effectiveness, as the people I wanted to connect with were intimidated. With the help of a few image consultant friends who saw my image was not eliciting the response I wanted, they helped outfit me in more feminine, yet still powerful attire. I consciously softened my behavior to be more approachable, softer, more welcoming. I can now shift more readily from business mode to date mode, with not only my dress but my demeanor.

    My suggestion is to be conscious of the behaviors that aren’t working in dating, and to choose new ones. How do you know which are more welcoming? Since there’s not a book on it 🙂 (at least not one we know about), my suggestion is to find women role models from whom to learn. They can be friends, colleagues, or even those in the media. Watch what they do and adapt it for yourself. In your example of drilling a potential suitor on the first encounter, think beforehand what questions you could ask that would be gentler, yet still elicit the information you desire.

    Also, it helped me to read several of the “Mars/Venus” books to understand that men want to be needed, and feel good about being useful to a woman. It helped me not feel I had to insist on splitting the check, or reciprocate every kind action a date made. I choose to give to him in ways he would appreciate, even if it was a smile, a word of sincere thanks, or a hug. My feminist bent felt I had to match everything equally, tit for tat. I’ve learned I can be feminist and feminine at the same time.

    yin yangIt’s the yin and the yang of relationships that make them work. If both of you are yang, why do you need the other? The secret, I believe is to be able to be yang when the other is in yin and vice versa. My ex was pretty yin. He embraced his feminine side, and while not effeminate, he was nurturing. When my yang started to diminish and I let my yin side out more, I believe that’s when our disconnect began. He didn’t know how to be more yang. I could have chosen to go back into predominately yang mode, but that was not satisfactory anymore.

    What advice do others have for women like Diamond who have trouble getting their girl-sides on?

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  • Avoiding a trip to Abilene in dating

    Abilene paradoxI have nothing against Abilene. I’ve been to Abilene, KS and it was a nice town, home to the Eisenhower Museum. I’ve not been to Abilene, TX. But I’m really talking about the metaphor described in the management education film called “The Abilene Paradox.”

    In the film, adult family members are visiting their parents and discussing what to do on this hot, humid afternoon. A few possibilities are floated. Someone suggests going to Abilene for dinner. Another agrees, and pretty quickly they are packing themselves sardine-style into the old, air-conditionless car and making the hour-long drive. When they return 4 hours later, they sit on the porch trying to cool off and recuperate. Someone finally says that the trip was a debacle, and another says she only went because she thought the others wanted to go. Soon everyone has chimed in that they didn’t’ want to go, but only joined because they didn’t want to be a spoilsport.

    Now, back to dating. Have you ever done something like this? You and the guy you’ve dated six times are discussing what to do on a summer Saturday. He says, “I’m open. What would you suggest?”

    Here’s your moment of truth. You’d really like to sit on the shady back patio and read your book alongside your guy while sipping lemonade. However, you think he’ll think that’s boring, and by implication you are boring for suggesting it. You’re still in that wanting-to-impress stage.

    You’ve heard him talk about how he used to take his kids to the beach, so you suggest something you think he’ll like. “I know — we could go to the beach.” You hear yourself saying this even though you don’t like the hassle of beach parking, you burn quickly so have to douse every exposed skin cell with sun screen, and you aren’t fond of just sitting in the hot sun. The water is too cold to swim, so spending hours floating isn’t an option. However, “Are you crazy?” never crosses your mind because you want to propose something that will please him.

    He says, “Sure” agreeably but not enthusiastically. Soon you are sitting on the beach in your long sleeves and hat, with every exposed part slathered in SPF 1,480,272 sun block. You feign enjoying yourself so you won’t appear wet blanket-like. After several hours, you return home and are both relaxing on the patio with lemonade. You say, “This is the life. It’s so lovely right here. I wish we’d just stayed and relaxed here all afternoon.’

    “What?” he exclaims. “I would have loved that. The beach was okay, but I don’t go very often because of the crowds, the sun, and the water is too cold to swim. I used to take the kids because they loved it, but it was never top of my list of great places. I only went because I thought you wanted to go.”

    You just went to Abilene — no matter where you really went.

    Even though I’ve known the Abilene paradox story for 20 years, I still find myself going there occasionally, just as you might. While I’ve gotten much better at telling the truth about what I want and don’t want, I still get detoured down the Abilene bypass once in a great while. It happened last week.

    Hotel del CoronadoA group of 10 gal pals convened in San Diego. We made reservations for the Hotel del Coronado for dinner. For various reasons, only 5 of us attended. It was a beautiful restaurant, right on the water. However, instead of asking for a table outside, we dutifully followed the hostess to a windowless private dining room set for 10. While this would have been fine for a large group, it was too big for the 5 of us. None of us thought to ask to be seated outside. But if we had, we would have not only enjoyed the evening air and the ocean’s waves, but could have basked in the private fireworks show for the wedding reception held at the hotel. We heard the pops, but saw nothing.

    Even among this group of highly successful, assertive business women none of us seemed to want to rock the boat and bring up moving. Only afterward did we discuss how dumb it was to be cooped up inside. If we hadn’t gone to Abilene we would have had a once-in-a-lifetime experience.

    Have you gone to Abilene with dates? How have you learned to avoid this trip to nowhere?

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  • Treasures can come in dented packages

    Tiffany boxIf you received a gift in a Tiffany’s box but the corner was mushed, would you be unhappy? If you were given a 2-pound box of your favorite Godiva with the top indented, would you be disappointed?

    No, of course not. Because you know it’s what’s inside that really matters, not the packaging.

    Many midlife daters make snap decisions upon meeting a potential new suitor based upon a minor physical imperfection. Perhaps their date is carrying a few extra pounds. Or their glasses are out of date. Or they don’t have the right colored hair.

    The Washington Post plays matchmaker each week setting up two singles who, based on their application, seem to be a match. The Post interviews each after the date and reports each dater’s thoughts. Here are a few from recent Date Lab experiences:

    Laura: Mark’s not my type. He had a more mature appearance, and I usually like dark hair and darker complexions. So I knew it would be unlikely for there to be a romantic connection. I thought I’d make the most of the evening, and that was as far as that was going to go.

    Mark: She was above-average looking; her lips were nice and full. But the big disconnect was her eyes. I like a woman whose eyes twinkle. Hers had no life in them whatsoever. She had no vibrancy.

    Amy: On a very superficial level, Piao wasn’t my type. My dream date is Mr. Darcy — tall, dark, a little retrospective and confident. Piao is the antithesis, more like a sprite.

    Piao: She was 5-foot-8, brunette. Attractive enough, but I didn’t think it’d be a match. I like girls who are a little shorter, and I sensed she was older.

    Krushae: I do recall seeing him, but there were a couple of other dudes at the bar that looked more like my type — broad-shouldered, in suits. I was expecting someone wearing more professional attire, I guess.

    Sybil: He’s an attractive guy, but not one I’d necessarily be attracted to. I’m a thick African American woman, 5-foot-7, and he was about 5-foot-9, with a slight build. His vibe was laid-back, almost passive. Women like a sense of security; he didn’t give me that.

    It’s amazing to me how we make such judgments about if it will work out or not before the other person has opened his mouth. However, I know I’m guilty of this myself. A friend recently pointed to a man across the room with whom she’d been talking and discovered he’s widowed and looking for a new relationship. He said things that she thought would be a good fit for me. But when I saw him I said, “He’s not my type.” So I was being a shallow as those quoted above!

    On the other hand, nearly none of the men I’ve dated for more than a few times would fit my physical description of my ideal man. My ex was good looking and I was drawn to his looks even when he was in his 60s. I can’t say that about any of the men with whom I’ve dated since then. I commonly think, “If I were to see him across the room at a party, I wouldn’t be pulled to meet him.”

    However, there was something there to make me want to see a man again and again. If I could get past the lack of immediate physical attraction, I’d often find a treasure inside. And the more I fell for the treasure, the more attractive he got.

    So even if a new guy doesn’t meet all your physical requirements, give him a chance to expose his inner gems. He may just become as yummy as those Godiva chocolates!

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  • When you’re inappropriately dressed for a date

    black dressYou feel stupid. You forgot to ask about appropriate attire and just made an assumption. He’d invited you to dinner and you mistook the name of the restaurant for a high-end one with a similar name to this tavern. You’re in a flirty, low-cut cocktail dress with glittering accessories and high heels, which is totally out of place for the shorts and t-shirts you see all other diners have donned. Your date is a tad dressier than they are, as he has on jeans and a long-sleeved shirt.

    What to do?

    First, acknowledge your faux pas to your date, as it will be obvious you misunderstood. Don’t try to blame it on him for not telling you the appropriate dress. It’s your responsibility to ask or to call the restaurant and inquire.

    At this point you can’t really change clothes or restaurants, as he’s not appropriately dressed for a high-end place. If one of you lives nearby, you could suggest dashing home to change.

    You can reduce the disconnect by removing some of your sparkles (bracelet, necklace, earrings), and/or letting down your hair if it’s in a chignon.

    Or you could laugh it off and have a great time. You will be the center of attention in this beer joint, so why not enjoy it?

    ball gownAs a high-school senior, I was invited to join my best friend and her fiancé on a double date with his best friend. I’d met my date once and knew he was a few years older than me and had a good job. We would go to a nice restaurant for dinner, one I knew nothing about. I asked my friend what to wear.

    “Wear that dress you wore to your friend’s college ball.”

    “The full-length gown?”

    “Yes, that would be perfect.”

    I spent the better part of the afternoon getting ready, putting my hair into a French twist and applying evening make up to go with my floor-length prom dress. I was nervous as I hadn’t dated much. So I didn’t really know how to handle it when my date arrived at my door wearing a sports jacket and open-collared shirt.

    I stuttered and stammered as I explained that this is what Gayle had told me to wear. I told him I’d go change, and he graciously said I looked great and I was fine as I was.

    However, at the restaurant I observed that my friend was in a sundress and other diners were similarly attired. I tried to make the best of it and ignore being so out of place. As a seventeen-year-old I didn’t have the wits to know how to dress down my gown even a bit.

    I was mad at my friend for misguiding me. But I could have asked my date directly for the dress code. Which is what I do now when I have any doubt.

    What would you do if you found yourself inappropriately dressed for a date?

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  • Is romance real?

    Taking the War Out of Our WordsMy friend Sharon Ellison, M.S. emailed me this article and I thought you might like it. Sharon is an award-winning speaker, international consultant and the author of Taking the War Out of Our Words. Email her if you have a thought to share with her.

    Billions of dollars are made on movies and novels about romance. People long for it. Yet many are skeptical, dismissing romance as an ultimately shallow, even false experience -— an image we create of someone during the “honeymoon” period of a relationship, before we really “get to know them.”

    In fact, one definition of the word romance is “A fictitious narrative in prose in which the scene and incidences are very remote from those of ordinary life. This picture of “romance” was filled in with other words like, extravagant, invention, exaggeration, a picturesque falsehood,” and, bringing in manipulation, “To persuade into something by romancing.” We can imagine what we might be persuaded into.

    Some scientists say they have unlocked the “mystery” of romance. The chemical reaction caused by pheromones creates a sexual attraction which then fades after the couple is propelled through initial rounds of procreative activities.

    Is romance real? If so, what is it? A physical reaction? Courting rituals? True love? Can it have depth or is it an illusion? Can it last?

    I believe that the essence of what we seek in romance is a powerful and real force. We can “see a stranger across a crowded room,” and have the kind of reaction that not only draws us together, but holds us for a lifetime.

    Pheromones can play a part, but romance is much more complex. I’ve had clients who were immediately drawn to someone and later were shocked to realize that they had once again picked someone who had the same issues as their last partner! In my experience, that instant, magnetic reaction is more than physical. It can incorporate emotional, intellectual and spiritual aspects.

    To find a lifetime partner with whom we can continue to share romance is more than luck. It requires skill. The potential is there for many, but fulfilled for few. I think we have to follow a different story line if we are to find it more easily.

    First, e need to focus much more on intimacy than on image. Often when we start a romance, the image we have of the other person is idealized and we may resist knowing things about the person that damage our ideal. This can lead to conflict and disappointment. (Try feeling truly romantic in a state of disillusionment!)

    While the word intimacy is defined as profound friendship, no reference is made to the role of intimacy as a part of profound love. I think it is because intimacy involves a kind of understanding that’s easier to access in friendship than with those we love.

    When we fall in love, we often become so dependent on the other person to meet our needs for intimacy that we become manipulative, controlling, sometimes demanding. For example, we may fear losing the other person so much that we become afraid to hear the truth. How can I hear you saying that you’ve thought of leaving me without trying to change your mind? Or even blaming you for causing our problems?

    Mena came to me devastated, saying that her husband Todd had just said to her that morning, “Yesterday, I almost took all our money and left you and the kids.” Now, how can we even imagine this as a moment for intimacy, a time to ask with genuine curiosity, “What made you want to take all our money and leave us?” And to everyone in the group, initially, it seemed impossible to ask that question openly. But, it became clear to all that when her question radiated her pain and anger, it would certainly cause him to be defensive.

    She practiced that one question until she could be genuinely curious. She came back a week later and said that she and Todd had had the best conversation they had ever had in their marriage. It turned out that he had been desperately unhappy in his job but her fears about financial security always caused her to resist when he suggested any change. The previous day at work he feel he just could not go on. Mena’s single, curious question, enabled her to know the man she’d fallen in love with more deeply and tenderly.

    In doing so, she began to live out Scott Peck’s belief that “Genuine love is the willingness to do whatever is necessary for one’s own or the other’s highest good.” Mena and Todd made great changes in their lives. One of the unexpected results was that they felt a renewal of the love, romance and even adventure that they had felt for each other in the beginning. Most of us are not in the honeymoon phase of a relationship. We are in relationships that challenge us and we would do well to remember that an open question at a moment of intense conflict, fear, or even despair can be revitalize romance!

    To achieve intimacy, we must foster curiosity. We must seek to understand the other person’s thoughts and feelings as we would those of a friend, instead of reacting in fear. It means we have to be able to hear things that may be threatening and still want to know where they came from, what they mean. To have the kind of intimacy that sustains romance, we must replace being controlling with being curious.

    Sometimes, even if we are open and want a deep connection, we
    may not get it when we want it. Then we risk sliding back into being unhappy and demanding. When we are demanding, we often lose confidence, become insecure, and see the other person as more valuable than we are. To avoid this, we must not keep all our intimacy needs in our partner’s basket.

    Have you noticed that when you are in love, or you see lovers on the screen, the aesthetics of their surroundings are a crucial part of the scene? The way the light plays on the wall, the leaves rustle, the gravel crunches under foot.

    The word intimacy is often defined as close observation or knowledge of a person or “thing.” If we pay attention, the light plays even when our partner is off in a funk, the leaves still rustle, the gravel crunches.

    We just don’t allow ourselves to have the same kind of intimate experience when we are not getting what we want from our love. Then whatever else we do is second-best and we interact in a psychic state of loss. Ironically, we then lose the kind of spirit that is core to our capacity to experience intimacy.

    Only if we learn to bring our full focus to a friend, a poem, a blade of grass, can we hone the skill of being intimate. We can practice. When we do, we begin to radiate, and the odds are higher that our partner will rekindle the feelings of romance he or she felt when we first met. Only better. If not, we will have already opened a new door to a path that can fulfill us.

    As we enhance our capacity for intimacy the romance can happen anywhere. And if we have candles and moonlight, they can illuminate the romance that comes from deep love —- in one of many timelessness moments.

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  • Consciously creating the relationship you want

    “Don’t let what you’ve created get in the way of what you want to create.” —Jana Stanfield

    Jana StanfieldMy friend Jana Stanfield, the amazing musical artist, said this as we talked about our somewhat recent singlehood and what we could do with our lives now that we didn’t have a husband about whom to be concerned. We were sharing our travel lust and how responsibilities at home can keep you feeling that you can’t do what you’ve always wanted to do, like extended world travel. The world we’d created — including a home with a mortgage and other responsibilities — could get in the way of the life for which we’ve longed.

    What does this have to do with dating? I think it relates because sometimes once we get a sweetie — something we’ve created — we don’t really know if this relationship is what we want. Yes, we’ve been in other — maybe a number — of long-term relationships. But the person you are right now hasn’t. Hopefully you’ve learned more about what makes relationships work as well as dissolve, and about yourself as you’ve moved through life’s journey. So you are a more savvy person entering a new relationship.

    But since we’ve longed for someone in our life, we cling to the connection, even though once we’re into it, we may realize it isn’t what we really want. How much of this is fear, fickleness, and immaturity? Who’s to say? For discussion, let’s say these aren’t factors. We are present to the time and effort it took to find the guy and develop a bond to become sweeties. We’ve worked through some hiccups and are fond of him. But we realize that being with him will preclude us from having the life we want to create.

    You owe it to both of you to discuss the disconnect. Maybe his career has required him to live in his industry’s hub and you’ve assumed that means he’ll never move. Or perhaps you’ve thought his nearby family would keep him anchored in this spot. You have dreams of living somewhere else. Once your goals are shared, you may learn that he’s been yearning for a change and he’d be delighted to step toward the life you want to create.

    But maybe you will discover that you both have very different pictures of the future. So although you wanted to create a loving relationship with someone like him, you have to decide which dream is more important. If you have to choose, you must be very clear which is more critical to your happiness because if you make the decision to subjugate your other goals to stay with him, you very likely will resent him. And if you abandon him to move toward the life you want to create, you may become lonely and sad to leave him behind.

    Have you created something in your life that is getting in the way of your creating the life you want? If so, share it with us and what you can do about it.

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  • Happy Dating Independence Day

    I don’t think the US government will change the name of this day, but I think we can add to the meaning of Independence Day to extend to a healthy philosophy about dating.

    It could mean that you are declaring your independence from dating. You’re going to stop hunting, remove yourself from dating sites and services, and hang out by yourself and with your friends for a while. That is fine.

    Or it could mean you are proclaiming your freedom from the shackles of dating — the thoughts and behaviors that get in the way of your enjoying the process, and releasing any blocks to your heart that prevent you from attracting a true love into your life.

    Bill of RightsIn “It’s moving day” we discussed how to let go of old hurts so your heart is free to love again. Your dating freedom includes certain rights.

    Dating Bill of Rights

    • You have the right to date with integrity and expect the same from others.
    • You have the right to be treated with respect, both from others and from myself.
    • You have the right to decide if you want to continue in a relationship or not. If you decide to discontinue, you will communicate this as gracefully and kindly as possible.
    • You have the right to view dating as a way to learn about yourself — who you are now and what you want.
    • You have the right to love freely, even with the prospect of being hurt. To live in fear of pain is not to live.

    What would you add to these?

  • Marketing 101 for dating

    shopping cartToday I was strolling down the fresh men aisle at my favorite dating site. No one was enticing enough to pick off the shelf and examine more closely. I wasn’t even drawn to read any labels (profiles).

    What was wrong?

    Lack of marketing.

    With very few exceptions, online daters don’t know how to get people to pause and investigate their profiles. What stops eager shoppers from delving deeper?

    1. Poor pictures. Blurry, dark, or the face is covered with sunglasses and/or a hat. I’ve covered this before in “Is that you? Pictures are just a rough facsimile of the real thing.”
    2. Bad title. Most sites allow you a few words to describe yourself in a title. I’ve seen titles that included “lonely,” “horny,” and “desperate.” Don’t you just want to write those guys immediately? And there are the misspellings. My favorite is “intellegent” [sic] which shows up more than you’d think.

    If the guy has a decent pic and headline, you read his profile. Many — even college graduates — have a difficult time here. I read one the other day that listed his history back to high school. Others tell you every outdoor activity in which they have ever participated. Some list so many sports they play, I get tired just reading about them. Others include hints at baggage: “No liars, cheaters, or gold diggers.” “Not looking to be anyone’s meal ticket.” “Pass me by if you’re a player.” Can you tell he still has some work to do? And does he really think a player would say, “Oh, boy, I better pass on this guy.” Right.

    So how do you turn a boring profile into something more interesting? Here are three tips from Marketing 101.

    • kayakTalk benefits. Paint a picture of what life would be like with you. Don’t just say “I’m fun” give an example: “I have fun at most anything, and we can laugh our way through cooking dinner together, taking a twilight stroll, or picnicking on the beach.” If you like outside activities, don’t just say, “I like tennis, biking, hiking, and kayaking.” Yawn. Try, “We can explore the beauty of the area while getting to know each other through hiking the regional parks, kayaking on the lake, or biking along the river trail.”
    • Use “you” not “he.” Put the “customer” into the copy. So instead of saying “he” when describing your ideal guy, say “you” so he can put himself there with you.
    • Ask for the order. “We should talk if…” or “If this sounds like you, please email me a hello” or “If you want to see if I’ll laugh at your jokes, send me an email.” Something — almost anything — that calls for action. Ads do this all the time: “Call now” or “Reserve your space.” There’s a reason they do this — it works!

    Here’s the before of a friend’s profile, followed by the revision after we worked on it:

    Before

    I am a mature, well-educated professional female, never married with no children. I have been told I am rather witty and I enjoy a variety of activities including reading, writing, painting, playing musical instruments, surfing the Web, managing my online webstore, watching educational television, drinking exotic coffees and having lively debates with friends and family. I am politically liberal with old fashioned moral values and am a bit quiet at first, but can be very talkative once you get to know me. I am a transplanted NYer, a tree hugger, a feminist, a humanist, an animal lover and a strong believer in the innate goodness of human nature.

    I’m looking for: My ideal partner would be a well educated fellow professional with a big heart and a first rate sense of humor. Sensitivity and the ability to communicate freely and fully are very important to me, while treating others with dignity and respect is a must. A liberal political mindset is also an important asset. If you are a mature single, divorced or widowed man, preferably without children and are interested, please feel free to contact me. And always, always remember: we are all here for the chocolate…

    After:

    My man is a special guy. In addition to being well-educated fellow professional, you have a big heart and a first rate sense of humor. You laugh easily, and especially at your own silliness as well as mine. Perhaps you are like me in that you giggle at small children’s unselfconsciousness, or dogs playing, or odd typos in the paper. You pride yourself on your ability to communicate freely and fully and appreciate that I do, too. You wouldn’t consider treating others with anything but dignity and respect. We share a liberal political mindset.

    I’ve been told — by people other than my family — that I’m rather witty. Like you, no doubt, I enjoy a variety of activities including reading, writing, painting, playing musical instruments (but don’t worry, not accordion), surfing the Web, managing my online webstore, watching educational television, drinking exotic coffees and having lively debates with friends and family. I’m politically liberal with old-fashioned moral values. I’m somewhat quiet at first, but converse freely once you get to know me. I am a transplanted NYer, a tree hugger, a feminist, a humanist, an animal lover and a strong believer in the innate goodness of human nature.

    I’d prefer a man who doesn’t have children at home, so if your daily dad duties are over, and the above fits you, we should talk!

    And always, always remember: we are all here for the chocolate…

    Try applying these ideas to your own online efforts and tell us if the changes yield different results for you.

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  • Signs of manipulation

    DG reader Bigi asked me to address the topic of manipulation. Specifically, how to tell if a man is trying to manipulate you. She says, “I am so gullible and really want to trust so I tend to trust the wrong fellows because I just don’t realize how I have been manipulated.”

    While some of us might think this is common sense, I’ve found that common sense can quickly fly out the window in affairs of the heart.

    The dictionary defines manipulate as “Control or influence (a person or situation) cleverly, unfairly, or unscrupulously.” It is anytime someone tries to coerce you to do something you don’t immediately want to do. However, it goes beyond persuasion, as manipulation is when you’ve said you don’t want to do something and they don’t let up.

    And for the record, woman manipulate, too.

    What are the signs?

    • He doesn’t honor your boundaries. For example, you’re kissing. You’re enjoying it. He moves his hand to a place you don’t want it. You tell him, “I’m not ready to go there” and move his hand to a place that’s okay for you. A few minutes later, he moves it back to where he wants. When you move it again, he says, “I won’t go any further” and goes back to where he wanted it. He’s manipulating you by discounting your comfort and boundary.
    • He asks you to do something you feel is unethical or dishonest. When you object, he chastises you. When I was dating the psychiatrist, he wanted me to register in person as him for a medical education session so he could get the credit but not have to attend. I refused. He argued. I didn’t budge.
    • laundry dayHe uses affection to coerce you. He wants you to do something you don’t want to do. He puts his laundry in your hamper. When you protest that you don’t want to be doing his laundry, he sidles up next to you, hugs you the way he knows you love and starts kissing your face. “Oh, sweetie, you are such a wonderful woman I didn’t think you’d mind doing my little laundry with yours. After all, then our clothes can intertwine, just like we do!”
    • He bullies you. If you say “no,” he chides you with, “What are you a prude?” Or threatens you, “If we don’t have sex the next time we’re together, I’m history.”
    • He blames you for his not honoring his agreements. He promised to take you to the movies. He gets engaged in the game on TV. You tell him it’s time to go, he says, “Just 10 more minutes. We’ll still make it.” Ten turns into 20. If you say something, you’re a nag. If you don’t, you miss the movie beginning. He’s put you in a double bind — you lose if you say something as well as if you don’t. If you miss the movie, he blames you by saying “You should have said something.” How about he should have honored his agreement?
    • He uses guilt to finagle. He wants sex. You have a stomach ache. He says, “We never have sex. You always have some excuse. I think you don’t love me anymore.”
    • He tries to buy his way. “If you attend this wedding as my date, I’ll give you $500 for a new dress to wear.” (This actually happened to a friend of mine who met a man online who was so desperate for a date to a friend’s wedding, he offered her this bribe.)

    The bottom line is it’s easy to see these as manipulation when you’re not in a romance with the person. However, when you are, your clear vision can get cloudy. Hopefully this list will help you be more conscious if any of these happen to you.

    What else can you list as ways people manipulate each other? Have you ever manipulated someone? If so, why?

    Big media day

    Yesterday the Wall Street Journal article interviewing me appeared. I’ve put the excerpt in “Wall Street Journal” page to the left.

    Also, Greg Yorke, co-publisher of LifeTwo.com, interviewed me for two podcasts. Click here to listen.

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  • Are you set in your ways?

    A complaint I hear from midlife daters is that others they date seem set in their ways. This can become evident on the first date or it may take a while. But for those who this describes, it eventually comes out.

    It might be an unwillingness to try a new cuisine, refusal to travel abroad, or opposition to watching a different movie genre. It could be habits that won’t budge: not allowing anyone else to sit in his TV-room chair, rejecting invitations to go out on favorite TV nights, or not wanting to try any new activities.

    Some midlife daters seem to want to date only on their own terms: with a specific type of person, on only certain nights per week, for only so many hours, doing activities with which he is already comfortable. The concept of dating really means having a companion when he wants her to accompany him on what he wants to do and when he wants to do it. (Although I am using the male pronoun, we all know women who fit this description.)

    It’s easy to point a finger at others and spotlight their failings. It’s harder to turn around that finger and ask yourself the pointed question: Are you set in your ways?

    • How open are you to new activities? Do you like to try new things, or do you do them begrudgingly?
    • Do you expect a man to join you in your activities, but decline his invitations to join him in his favorite pastimes that may not (yet) be at the top of your list?
    • Are you comfortable mixing things up sometimes just to get a new perspective? Moving the furniture, trying new restaurants, visiting new places?
    • If someone upsets your way of doing things, are you tolerant and at peace? If he sits in your place at the table, wants you to join him in a dance class on your TV night, or takes you to an unusual restaurant, do you jump in feet first — or with feet dragging?

    If you find yourself stuck in routines, try forcing yourself to mix it up. Instead of staying in on TV night, set up Tivo or DVR and accept your neighbor’s long-standing invitation to join her at her karaokeline-dancing lessons. If you always go to the movies with your gal pals on Friday nights, see if they’ll agree to karaoke instead. Move the living room furniture. Sleep on the other side of the bed. Change “your” spot at the kitchen table. Drive a new way to work. Go to that new ethnic restaurant you’ve been meaning to try.

    Experiment with new things. You won’t like them all. But by expanding your choices you open yourself up to new possibilities and will find some new favorites. And you’ll be more appealing to a broader range of men.

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