Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Category: First-rate first dates

  • Avoid frivolous talk on a date

    Frivolous: unworthy of serious attention; trivial; of little value.

    One of the consistent complaints men make about women is their incessant talking. And it’s just not that there is no silence. But women more than men talk and talk and talk about things of no consequence to the men. In fact, she will go into great detail about people he doesn’t know and will never meet. And the stories have no point that is relevant to him or her.

    Women bond through talking. A woman talks to share part of her life with her man, which is why so much discussion is about people in her life — or even people she’s never met but are in her friends’ lives! Women also talk to sort out their opinions and feelings. “Talking it out” is a common habit among many women, and can provide release of tension.

    The problem is women don’t know with whom this is acceptable behavior and with whom it is an irritant. On a date — especially on early dates with a guy — it can be deadly. He wants to listen to you (if he’s at all conscious), but if you babble on and on, he’ll turn off quicker than a triggered safety valve. And if they end up in a relationship, she’ll complain that he doesn’t listen. Could it be that she rarely says anything relevant to him? Or things important to her are hidden in with so much noise he doesn’t know to listen up?

    blah blah blah“And then he said…then she said…and then…and then…” and on and on. The man is thinking, “Get to the point!” Or she says, “Gina’s boyfriend’s cousin was so upset because….” He doesn’t know Gina, her boyfriend or his cousin, so couldn’t care less. Or she keeps talking and talking, saying little of consequence, perhaps even repeating herself.

    I’ve noticed this in a lot of women, and fight hard to not fall into this behavior, although I’m sure I do sometimes. But twelve years ago, I had an experience that made me realize how much frivolous talk I contributed. It cured me of much of it.

    I attended a 9-day residential personal growth workshop. We’d been told that this workshop could be life-changing if we followed the guidance of our facilitators while we were there. I decided to participate full out —- no holding back or deciding which processes I’d participate in and which ones I wouldn’t. I trusted these leaders so I did the exercises fully.

    The first day we were told there was to be no frivolous talk for the next 3 days. In fact, there was to be no talk at all outside of our workshop room, other than to discuss logistics issues (e.g., car pooling). We were to be silent.

    I was struck by how many times I’d think of chatting with my classmates about unimportant things —- the weather, her pretty jacket, could he pass the salt. I saw how much “noise” I contributed. These things weren’t really important, or I didn’t need to speak to communicate them.

    By forcing us into silence, we saw how little of our usual babble really needed to be said. When the silence was lifted, we were much quieter than we’d been before. When we did speak, it was to ask a deeper question, or to share a meaningful insight.

    Although I’ve drifted back into some chatter, I talk less now than before. If someone asks me to repeat something that I then realize was unimportant, I say, “I’m just talking here —- not saying anything.”

    Why don’t you try observing and curbing your frivolous talk? You don’t have to be silent, but think about what you say before you say it. Ask yourself “Does this really need to be said? Will it make a difference to my listener?” If not, then button it up!

    Men appreciate silence — especially if he’s driving in heavy traffic or bad weather, or when first sitting down at a restaurant. Your smile will tell him you aren’t giving him the “silent treatment,” but just enjoying his company.

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  • Are you “skin hungry”?

    touchA friend used this term to describe when someone longs for touch. She said it means someone hasn’t been touched in a while, or perhaps as much as they like. Maybe their friends or family aren’t the touching type. They crave human contact — literally. But especially opposite-sex contact, even if it’s just holding hands or hugging.

    Although I like physical contact, I’ve had dates get too touchy too soon. I’ve tended to think they were just horny, even if they didn’t try to read my body using the Braille method.

    Have you ever found yourself being a bit physically clingy, especially on the first or second dates, before you really know the guy? I’ve found myself slipping my hand in his on the second date, before I really felt a lot of connection, just because it seemed like that’s what should happen at that point.

    So I empathize with someone’s wanting physical touch. I’ve learned to be a tad cautious, however, as we know touch sends signals that you are feeling connected and fond of the person. Sometimes this gets interpreted as feeling more attracted to the person than you are.

    What to do when you find yourself being skin hungry? See if you can be around family members who enjoy your touch. Young nieces, nephews or grandkids who like to hold hands or sit in your lap while you read to them are great ways to get your skin hunger satisfied. Or plan an outing with a friend who likes to hug hello or link arms when walking. I have a male friend who loves to snuggle, so going to the movies with him is a treat when I have a touching deficit.

    But with your dates, be conscious if your itch to be touched is appropriate to be scratched by him. Be sensitive to the message that it sends. And if the touching goes beyond what you are comfortable with, then gently say something. Don’t punish him for a yearning you have that may send him an unintentional green light.

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  • Flower power

    If you’ve read Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40 for long, you will know I am an incurable romantic. In fact, my YahooPersonals “love profile” assessment labeled me as “Romantic,” which it describes as:

    You want and expect it all —- a lasting connection with someone on every level —- mental, emotional, sexual, and spiritual.

    You also know I’ve mentioned in several postings (Tips for men, What’s your definition of romance?) how much mileage a man could get by bringing a single rose to the first date. Some readers thought this was corny or clichéd. I don’t, but it hadn’t happened to me — before last night.

    red roseMr. New Guy did so much of what I’ve been preaching I would swear he’s read this blog! He not only kept in contact by email and phone since he first emailed me last week, but he texted me yesterday afternoon saying he was looking forward to our meeting. When he got lost on his way to our rendezvous, he called to explain why he’d be late. He showed up with the aforementioned red rose, nicely wrapped in cellophane with baby’s breath, greenery and a red ribbon.

    He dressed in a nice “babe magnet” suede sports jacket (buttery to touch). We had an enjoyable give and take over wine, where he said nice things (he loved my profile photos but they didn’t do me justice, and I looked 10 years younger). (While I know this is classic wooing behavior, he didn’t say these like a player would — accompanied by a smile and a leer.) He asked if I wanted to have dinner, and walked on the outside and opened doors as we strolled to the restaurant. At the end of the evening, he asked if he could walk me to my car, where we parted in a hug and both said “I had a great time.”

    Now if he’d only brought the rose independent of these other behaviors would he have stood out? Some. But all of these things together showed me he knew how to date. He understood that the first date was really an audition. He knew how important first impressions are. He got it. He did what he knew to do to get the second date — assuming he wants one. (It might have helped that last month he took a new job, which required a dozen interviews over six months. Perhaps it was fresh in his mind what it took to win someone over.)

    Will I see him again? In my follow up thank-you email I said I’d be happy if he wanted to do something again. So far, nothing back from him.

    By the way, his YahooPersonals “love profile” assessment is also Romantic. And, according to YP we’re the same personality type too. We’ll see if any of this matters in whether or not he asks me out again.

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  • How do you know he’s interested in you?

    According to my blog reports, this is a phrase many people search when finding this blog.

    I only wish I had the answer.

    It is much easier to identify how he shows he’s not interested, as I detailed in “Signs that he won’t be asking for a second date.”

    But knowing he is interested? That’s a whole different story. And one I don’t feel particularly adept at deciphering.

    For example, last week I had a first date with a guy. We’d had a few email exchanges and a nice phone conversation. He seemed engaged during dinner, asking me questions, keeping eye contact and sharing his stories and feelings. We occasionally touched the other’s hands when we talked. We strolled around the shopping area after dinner, but didn’t hold hands.

    At my car he hugged me goodbye and planted a kiss on my lips. There was no talk of a second date, we just said we enjoyed ourselves and went our separate ways. I was ambiguous about seeing him again, but decided to try some recently read advice and try a second date, if he wanted. I wrote him a nice thank you email and suggested we might do another outing.

    He wrote back a nice email telling me he enjoyed meeting me but there was no spark for him and asked if we could be pals.

    So while there were no flashing green lights that he was interested in me, there were no red lights saying he wanted out of there during dinner. And why would you kiss someone on the lips if you had no interest in them? Was it a test to see if I’d play tonsil hockey with him? It was just a quick smack.

    Before I’ve experienced conflicting signals like this, I’d say “Duh. He emails you regularly. He calls you every few days. He says nice things about you. He asks you to do things with him. He talks about doing future things with you. He touches you respectfully. Maybe he kisses you and/or brings you flowers or small gifts.”

    But we know that someone could do all of these things and not want a relationship with you, just a booty call. So how is a gal to know how to interpret these things?

    I wish I knew.

    Any hints you’ve picked up during a first date that are reliable signs a guy is interested?

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  • What to wear to build rapport?

    I have a date with a new guy tonight — an advertising agency owner who lives in a nearby laid-back resort town. We had a fun, interesting first conversation two days ago and he asked me to join him for dinner at a midrange restaurant.

    Now I must figure out what to wear.

    I think women fret about this more than men. While some men may consciously choose to wear a shirt they’ve been told looks good on them or brings out their eyes, I think many don’t give a lot of thought to what they’ll wear on a first date. They may debate to don a sports coat or not, or take off a tie if coming from work.

    But women seem to be more conscious of what messages they send off with what clothing. I don’t mean to imply that a lot of women obsess about their attire, but I think most put some focus on what impression they want to give and which clothing will telegraph that message.

    So I look through the closet. I want to choose something that is fun and flirty, but not too revealing. I know cleavage is now considered an accessory, but I don’t want to send the wrong message on a first date. Since my date is in advertising, he’d probably appreciate something more fashion forward and colorful than a drab conservative look.

    Do you do this? Do you try to match your attire not only to the venue, but to the man? And of course, it has to be congruent with who you are.

    Why not wear whatever you darned well feel like, no matter what you know about the man? Why try to wear something that you think he’ll find appealing and similar to the style you think he’d find comfortable?

    The answer: to build rapport quickly. To begin the evening, and perhaps the relationship, without friction. We know men are visual. How you look helps set the tone for the evening. Of course, how you both act and what you both say play a huge part.

    In college I took a psychology course on Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP). A mouthful, I know. The concepts were initially developed to help therapists build rapport quickly with patients so they would relax and not hold back expressing their thoughts. The work has now been adapted and taught to help people build rapport with others, whether in personal relationships or for business.

    One of the key tenets of NLP is to initially match the behaviors and language of the person with whom you are speaking. While I find this can easily be overdone and seem almost mocking and manipulative, done subtly it does get people to open up and relax. So my theory of wearing clothing that my date would find to his taste fits into this matching practice. While I clearly want to be myself, I also know the importance — especially on a first date — of building rapport.

    How do you strategically choose to build rapport? Do you plan your outfit based on wanting to look and feel good, as well as taking what you know about your date into consideration? What factors do you consider as you plan your “look” — especially for a first date?

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  • Stood up!

    Have you ever been stood up for a date? Whether you have already or regrettably, may be in the future, it’s useful to examine your options. Here’s how I explored mine.

    A new potential suitor (#77) and I arranged for a dinner first date last night. He called two days ago to set a time. He asked me to choose a restaurant and email him the address. I did so within the hour, along with the restaurant’s phone number and my cell number.

    I got dated up and drove to the restaurant, arriving 10 minutes early. I waited. The appointed time came. He didn’t waltz in. I gave him some grace, as he was driving from an hour away, so maybe he got caught in traffic. Another five minutes passed. Ten. I asked the hostess if she thought it rude, as I did, to be 10 minutes late and not call. When she found out where he was driving from, she thought he might have hit traffic. I called his cell phone to see if he was lost or stuck. Voice mail. I left a message.

    Another five minutes passed. Then another. I called again. I didn’t leave a message. I vacillated between fuming at his rudeness for not calling, worrying that something had happened which prevented him from calling, to wondering if I got the day wrong, or if he’d even received my email. I gave him a little more slack.

    At 30 minutes after the time we set to meet, and 40 minutes after I arrived, I left. I called his cell one last time to see if I could get him, not his voice mail. I didn’t leave a message.

    When this happens you have several choices:

    • Should you call again? No. I left a message and he can see I called multiple times after that.
    • Should you email to ask what happened? No.
    • If he calls, how should you react? I’ll be in wonder, curious at what happened. If he is contrite and apologetic and offers a plausible excuse — which needs to include the words “hospital” or “kidnapped” — I’ll consider giving him another chance. But I can’t imagine that his reason would be anything but inexcusable. I will let him know I was inconvenienced.
    • If he doesn’t call, oh well. Although he was charming on the phone and had a wonderful accent, deep voice and good sense of humor, he lives over an hour’s drive from me, which is far from optimal. He’s been married 3 times, and is only separated from his last wife, but they’ve filed for divorce. Orange flag (a mix of yellow and red flag.) He has a small child with her, which complicates life.

    If he purposefully blew me off, what possibly could go through a man’s mind to make this okay? Narcissism? Selfishness? Lack of compassion, empathy or humanity? If he decided not to meet me, what would prevent him from having the common decency to at least call and give me some feeble excuse, if not say he changed his mind or plans? As much as I want to be in wonder, this one has me flummoxed.

    We’ll see how this one plays out. I won’t be waiting by my phone. I have a second date with #76 tomorrow.

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  • Midlife dating etiquette

    etiquetteThe other day I was asked me for some rules of etiquette for when one is beginning to date. While etiquette is, according to the dictionary, “the customary code of polite behavior,” there are no hard and fast rules. What is rude to one is not a big deal for another. Following are what I’ve heard are common complaints from both genders. You may not have a challenge with any item, but I think it’s important to know what may be considered good- or ill-mannered by another.

    Both genders:

    • Respond promptly to online contacts, even if you’re not interested. Don’t let someone linger in limbo. If you’re not interested, send them a kind, “Thank you, but we’re not a match” email. (Some people think no response is better than an outright rejection, but the majority of people I’ve talked to about this would rather hear a polite “no thanks” than nothing at all.)
    • When on the phone, give the other your full attention. Don’t grocery shop, watch TV, read your email, or surf a dating site. I experienced the latter during an initial phone call with a potential suitor. At first I was impressed that he was referring to items on my profile; then he digressed to reading me emails he’d received from woman wanting to make contact.
    • When together, don’t answer your phone, unless you’ve specified in advance that your child or boss may call. If you do answer, make it very brief, not “No, I’m not doing anything. What’s going on with you?” Believe it or not, I’ve heard this from people over the age of 40 on a date. If the call is going to be more than a 30-second “Let me call you back in a few hours,” excuse yourself and take it outside.
    • When face to face, give the other your focus. Don’t check out others as they walk by. We can see your eyes look people up and down! The same is true at a party or bar where you are looking over the person’s shoulder.
    • Be on time. In fact, being a little early is even better. You can then stake out the quietest spot, as well as observe the posture, walk and attire of the other. I met a man once who had arrived early and staked out a table, so I didn’t see him walk in. Only when I picked up something I dropped did I noticed his both pants legs’ hem had come unsown so were ragged and dragging on the floor.
    • Get cleaned up. That means wearing neat, clean, ironed, well-fitting clothing in good repair. Brush your hair and teeth before the meeting. Take a shower that day.
    • Don’t be critical of the other. It takes a long time to develop enough trust to be allowed to give critical feedback.
    • Don’t talk about other people you are dating. When you disclose you are seeing others, you don’t need to give details, even if asked.
    • Don’t lead on the other if you have no interest.
    • Limit your discussion of your ex(es) and try to find a way to say something positive about him/her. If you’re only bashing, you’ll sound bitter and negative, which is unappealing.
    • Share the conversation, don’t hog it. Think of questions about the other that you want to know. Work to not ask the same questions every other person has asked your date.
    • Don’t talk about sexual topics before meeting or on the first date.
    • Limit your alcohol consumption to one or two drinks on the first encounter. Alcohol impairs your judgment and you may make decisions you’ll later regret.
    • When you’ve decided you don’t want to see the other again, have the courage to say so as pleasantly as possible. Don’t take the coward’s way out and stop responding to emails and calls.

    Women:

    • Don’t practice arbitrary rules, like only having one contact with a man per day. If you both like to email or call a few times a day, do it. Don’t limit yourself by what some “expert” says to do — including this one.
    • Don’t accept a date with a man you have no interest in just for a free lunch, dinner, or concert.
    • Do not put on lipstick or make up at the table. Excuse yourself to the ladies’ room.

    Men:

    • Pick a first rendezvous spot where you’ll be comfortable treating. While it is the 21st Century, the norm is still for the man to treat on the first date unless the woman has made it clear she’d prefer to go dutch. Coffee dates are perfectly fine for a first meeting. Don’t feel you have to go to a fancy place to impress her on the first encounter.
    • Brush up on gentleman’s etiquette: ask her to order first, open doors, walk by her side, not in front unless it’s in a crowd. Know which fork to use, which glass(es) and bread plate are yours, and when to put your napkin in your lap (when you first sit down). Buy a book on male etiquette from your local independent bookstore.
    • Don’t ask out a woman you have no interest in just for a sex, unless you’re positive that’s all she wants, too. Ask, don’t assume.

    Everyone can benefit from an etiquette review every once in a while, just as they could from a driving review. Don’t assume you have nothing to learn. Ask your opposite sex dating buddies for what bugs them about the your gender during dating.

    What have I left out? What etiquette gaffes have I overlooked? Share your thoughts in a comment.

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  • What is your attire telling your dates?

    Is what you wear on the first few dates with a guy sending the messages you want? Do you find men relate to you differently than you’d like? It may not be them — it may be signals you’re sending through your appearance.

    When I began dating again I thought I had to wear what I saw on 20-something gals. Clothes that didn’t leave a lot to the imagination — tight and revealing. Confiding my trepidation to a friend, she wisely said, “If you show cleavage down to your navel you’ll only attract men who only want your body, not men who are interested in your mind or personality.”

    I took her advice and wore less-revealing, yet flattering and up-to-date clothes on first dates. I saved the plunging cleavage for dress-up events when I knew that my body wasn’t the only thing a guy was after.

    If you don’t regularly wear sexy clothes other than on dates, you can forget the effect it can have on men you aren’t romantically interested in. I was reminded, somewhat embarrassingly, at a dinner party the other night. I wore a top that was lower cut than I usually wear to a casual social event. I didn’t think about it much until at dinner a male friend seated near me complimented my blouse. I offhandedly confided that it was a bit more revealing than I usually wore. The man seated next to him, who I didn’t know, chimed in, “Why do you think we’re all sitting at this end of the table?” I was suddenly aware that I’d been conversing with 5 unaccompanied married men seated around me.

    Silly me. I wouldn’t wear that blouse on a first date, as I wouldn’t want to give a man the impression I’m inviting more than getting to know him. I wasn’t trolling for men’s attention, and since I knew this party would be attended by partnered — not single — men, I didn’t feel my attire would attract unintended focus. Dumb, I know.

    Although some men claim not to notice what a woman is wearing, I’m sure they notice the effect her attire has on him. He may not be able to remember specifically the cut of your blouse, the style of your skirt, or how your earrings matched your necklace. But he does notice at some level if what you’re wearing is flattering on you.

    Eva LongoriaRecently, I chatted with a married friend about women’s shoes and he said, “The truth is, men don’t notice the shoes women wear.” I knew he was a fan of Eva Longoria‘s Desperate Housewives character Gabrielle. I asked, “If Gabby wore baggy sweat pants with sneakers, flip flops or hiking boots would she still be as sexy to you?” He agreed that while Gabby could be sexy in a potato sack, her footwear did make her even more so. Her attire made a difference in her attractiveness to him.

    In “Do you have the right datewear?” I suggest you think through what impression you want to make on a first encounter. I think of dating clothes — dateware — like a costume. Just as actors have specific costumes to immediately broadcast many attributes like age, economic status, time period and personality, so does your dating costume. What you wear shouldn’t project someone you’re not, but should telegraph the characteristics you want your date to know about you: warm, friendly, stylish, smart, fun, or whatever you want to say.

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  • You can tell in the first 30 minutes

    30 minutesWhen I first started dating, a family-counselor friend told me that I’d know all I need to know if a man is a fit for me within the first 30 minutes of meeting him. I was incredulous.

    “Within only 30 minutes I will know if he is a fit for me? Not a full date?”

    “No, you won’t need longer,” she responded. “You will be able to tell what you need to know within less than an hour. If you want to give him a full evening, that’s fine, but I think you’ll know pretty quickly.”

    I’ve thought about this as I’ve been dating. Was she right? Could I tell if I wanted to know someone better and he’d be a good match for me within less than an hour?

    The truth is, no I haven’t been able to tell if someone is a good match within the first hour. But I have known if a guy wasn’t a match before the end of the first date. When I’ve decided to see him again, even though I knew we weren’t a great match, it has ended, even though it may have taken 6 weeks to go through the process. Sometimes I thought I could overlook characteristics that meant we weren’t a great match. But so far, of the men I’ve let go – vs. the men who’ve let me go – I could tell pretty quickly.

    So notice how you feel at the end of the first date and decide if you see enough of what you want in a mate to explore if you’re a good match. If you’re only seeing him again because you are lonely or bored or there’s no one else on the horizon, do both of you a favor and don’t accept a second date.

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  • “Tell me about yourself”

    The first real-time contact with a potential date can be awkward. You may have a sketchy description from an online profile, or just a few minutes of information from the friend who connected you. You want to find out more about him, but you’re not sure how to ask without seeming like you’re interrogating. So how do you ask?

    There are many ways. But let’s start with a question that gets the hairs on my neck standing on end. It is the seemingly innocuous:

    “Tell me about yourself.”

    Why does this irritate me so? Because it is so brainless. It says, “I haven’t bothered to read or remember anything about you. So instead of asking you to tell me more detail about what I know about you, I’m asking the most inane question I can muster. I’m not very creative, thoughtful, or inquisitive.”

    Equally inane ones are,

    • “Why are you still single?”
    • “Why did you divorce?”
    • “Do you have kids?” (It says I don’t in my profile. You read my profile, right? I didn’t think so.)
    • “Why haven’t you married?” (To someone who says he’s not divorced or separated.)

    Here are some ones I’ve found more interesting:

    • “What’s your favorite response to ‘Why are you still single?’ Now what’s the real reason.”
    • “What do you feel you might have done to save your marriage?”
    • “What’s your favorite part about being a dad?”
    • “In your next relationship, how do you want to prevent whatever went awry in your marriage?”

    There are myriad other questions you can ask which get progressively deeper and more revealing as you get to know him. The point is before you speak to him, think about some gently probing questions you can ask. Don’t be confrontational, but ask questions that get you to uncover values you find important.

    Once I went out with a man who complained that his divorce cost him over $100,000, even though he’d just told me the marriage was over years before and they just stayed together for the kids. I asked, “If it was over long ago for both of you, why was she so acrimonious?” He paused for a moment, as apparently no one had ever asked that before. Then he said, “Probably because of the extra marital relationships.” I said, “Yes, that would do it!”

    You can learn a lot not only by what a person asks you, but how he answers your questions. Try to make yours interesting, unusual and about issues that are important to you.

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  • Why men don’t tell you you’re pretty

    Some men tell you they think you are attractive on the first or other early dates. Some will never tell you.

    For two months I dated a man who never said he thought I was attractive. In frustration at his aloofness, one day I said to him, “I don’t even know if you find me attractive.” He said, “I’m pursuing you, aren’t I?” Since I didn’t consider this wealthy man’s once-a-week phone calls and occasional casual, home cooked meals much of a pursuit, I retorted, “Are you?” In other words, he didn’t feel he needed to tell me he was attracted to me or thought I was pretty or sexy. His actions — minimal as they were — should speak for themselves. So I guess he found me minimally attractive. Or he never learned to express himself to a woman in a way that would make her feel good.

    beautiful.jpgUpon sitting down for dinner with another man for a first encounter, he looked at me, paused, and said, “You’re beautiful.” I smiled and said, “Thank you.” That was the last time I heard it for several months. When he uttered it again, I said, “Thank you. That feels good to hear.” He said, “I don’t tell beautiful women they are beautiful.” When I asked, “Why not?” he said, “Beautiful women know they are beautiful and they hear it all the time. It doesn’t mean anything to them because so many people tell them. Average-looking women know they aren’t beautiful, so if you tell them they are, they know you are lying. And women think that someone wants something from them if you compliment their looks. So I find it best to not tell women they are beautiful, pretty or sexy.”

    Can you imagine? Yes, I know you can, but I’m guessing you’re as incredulous as I am about these attitudes.

    So what about those of us who aren’t classically beautiful? Using the last guy’s logic, since he finds you beautiful, you must hear this all the time and have grown weary of hearing it. But if you have the kind of attractiveness that some find pretty and others find average, I bet you don’t feel you hear “You’re very pretty” too many times.

    I think some men hold back telling a woman she is beautiful (or pretty or sexy) because they don’t want to come across as fawning, smarmy, unctuous or gushy. He doesn’t want a woman to think he has fallen for her based only on her looks, so then can be led around by his nose. When some women know a man is ga-ga for her, they use it to manipulate him. It’s happened for eons.

    And of course, men can use these compliments as a “line” to get closer to you. As I discussed in “He had me from ‘You’re gorgeous!’” I was enamored with this guy from the get-go, but his salutation was only part of the enticing package. But alas, his thinking (or at least saying) I was gorgeous was not enough to keep him around after three dates. He went poof.

    Intellectually we know that it only matters that we think we are attractive, and what others think isn’t our concern. But deep down we also like to know that the person we are dating finds us attractive and is able to express that genuinely. Yes, it can be overdone so that you think the man only wants to be with you because of your looks. But if he tells you sincerely and regularly, somehow it makes him more attractive too! And, of course, the more beautiful a person is on the inside, as shown through his thoughtfulness, kindness, caring, respect and attention toward you and others, his outer looks become more appealing. (See “Yummy is as yummy does.”)

    How do you feel when a man tells you sincerely he thinks you’re attractive (beautiful, pretty, sexy)? And what have you done when a man you’ve gone out with for more than a month is stingy in this area?

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