Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

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  • Boomerang boyfriends

    Last night I got a call from a guy I had one date with four months ago. He wanted to see if I was available. I’ve had guys break up with me and a week later want to get back together. I call these Boomerang Boyfriends. You stop seeing each other for whatever reason. Perhaps you both date other people, and then they contact you again. After dating others they think you two had a good thing. Or they don’t date and get lonely, so they get back in touch.

    With only one exception, it is too late to try to reignite interest. I’ve moved on, started seeing other people. The one exception was with a guy who kept in touch while I was seeing someone else, and when that relationship ended, he was right there.

    Do Boomerang Boyfriends work out? Who’s to say? If you were sad that the relationship ended, maybe give it another chance. But if you’re clear there is a fatal flaw that would prevent you from wanting to be with that person long term, see if you can move to being friends. Some don’t want that, but some do. Just be clear what you want and don’t take back someone who isn’t a good fit just because you are lonely. It won’t work.

  • How to say “thanks but no thanks” to online winks, flirts and teases

    When someone is not a member of a dating site — or they are lazy — they float a trial balloon by clicking on “Wink” (depending on the site, these are also called flirts or teases).

    I am convinced some men do a rudimentary search by criteria such as “breathing” and “lives on the planet Earth” and then wink at every woman who comes up. I say this because I get winks from men who are not only not in the same area, but are not in the same state or country. This is like fishing with a net, verses the more skill-based fly fishing — they are just seeing who will respond to their broad contacts.

    I’ve had winks from men 30 years younger, 5 inches shorter, who are far below my other criteria. On one level, I admire their boldness. On another level, I want to say “Do you really think the Goddess would consider going out with a 27-year-old movie usher who lives with his parents and rides his bike to work because he doesn’t have a car?”

    So what to do? Do you just ignore them? If you get a LOT of winks — say 5 or more a day, then you have to. But I like to respond to every contact, no matter how lame or mismatched. So I have a macro saved with a polite “no thanks.” By typing 3 letters I get the following:

    Thanks for your wink.

    I’m sure you are a nice guy. I appreciate your interest in me, however, I don’t think we’d be a good match.

    Good luck in your search. I wish you the best!

    I’ve even been thanked for how I say no! It seems so many people don’t respond to any contact — whether wink or email — that any response is considered polite and classy.

    Create your own polite message so you can just cut and paste.

  • Shopping for men

    Dating life can be brutal. You make an effort to look nice (I call it getting “dated up”) to meet someone new, then he either doesn’t contact you afterwards, tells you he’s not attracted to you or there’s none of that elusive “chemistry.” You have to have perseverance and hope that someone for you is right around the corner — or in the next email.

    I’ve found dating to be a lot like clothes shopping. First, you have to shop where you know there is a large pool of prospects, which is why people shop at malls. When I conduct an online search, I call it “shopping for men.” On the best dating sites, you can search by important criteria (e.g., age, height, location, income, education, smoking/non-smoking, even activity level). Just like clothes shopping, you know the size, colors and style you want.

    And just like clothes shopping, you have to look at LOTS of possibilities, even when you’ve narrowed it down to a certain brand and size. It is easy to get frustrated.

    After a day of shopping with no buys, do you say “There are no good clothes out there?” Or “All the good clothes are taken!” Or “All the clothes I looked at are losers. I’m giving up.” No! How silly.

    Would you ever consider stopping shopping? No! You keep shopping because you have hope that you’ll find something you’ll love. That will be comfortable and fit and you’ll feel great in. Same with guys.

    However, it can get wearisome going on a bunch of dates with guys who on paper seem a good match, but in person there’s no spark. You can doubt your attractiveness, or think you are too picky. If you find no one you can entertain the possibility of going out again with, then perhaps it is time to reassess your criteria.

    For example, I thought I must have a college graduate. Then I dated a delightful gentleman who didn’t complete college as he was recruited to be a CEO while in college. He is very bright, but was tapped before completing his degree. I then found other fun men who were successful despite not having a degree.

    Did I “settle” for less by lowering my criteria to allow for those who didn’t complete college? I don’t think so. If you’re having a hard time in your shopping activities, consider if some of your criteria could be altered.

  • Chemistry, or does he make my toes curl?

    Chemistry is often listed as what one wants in a relationship. However no one can seem to describe what that is. They will just “know it when they feel it.”

    It is attraction. For men it seems to be “I want to be intimate with this person.” For women, it can be “I feel great around him. He makes me laugh, treats me the way I want to be treated, and seems to care about me.” Women want to spend more time with the man. Men at least want to spend the night with the woman! And sometimes the same is true for the woman.

    Since “chemistry” is nebulous and overused, I prefer the phrase “made my toes curl.” Admittedly, it hasn’t happened much, but when it does, you definitely know there is a connection.

    However, I’ve found that sometimes the connection is just physical, and you can quickly be drawn into thinking that there is more. But after the physical is satisfied, you realize you don’t have much connection with this person. So consider that if there is real chemistry and connection, it will still be there in a few weeks, when by that time the lust may have passed.

    After one date, a gentleman asked if I wanted to go out again. I said he was a great guy, but my toes didn’t curl. While disappointed, he knew exactly what I meant.

  • How do you greet him?

    When I first started dating, I asked my dating friends, “How do you greet someone upon first meeting?” Shaking hands seems so businesslike. Doing nothing seems cold and aloof. I’ve settled on a quick hug. Since I’ve often been flirting with potential suitors by phone and email for at least a few days if not a week or more, I feel they aren’t strangers. Heck, if I’m at a church service, I hug people I’ve had much less contact with!

    Hugging also shows you’re affectionate and not afraid of contact. Just don’t linger too long, or it might send a message you don’t want to send!

    If I feel particularly fond of the person from our emails and calls, I’ll kiss him on the check. I’ve not had anyone abuse this greeting, so it’s working.

    And at the end of the encounter, unless it was unpleasant, I always give him a quick hug too. Longer if we really hit it off, and often a kiss on the cheek. But don’t be too affectionate if you don’t want to see him again. I’ve found even a hug for a pleasant encounter can cause the guy to think you’re more interested than you are.

  • Dating is like Baskin-Robbins

    Baskin-RobbinsI compare my philosophy of dating to visiting Baskin-Robbins where I ordered vanilla for 20 years (maybe it was Rocky Road at the end!). While I enjoyed vanilla, I want to try new flavors. And I didn’t want to jump from vanilla and make a commitment to butter pecan without having tasted a little pistachio, chocolate, mint chip, and more.

    So I made a list of men I’d like to “try” (just like I “try” ice cream flavors).

    I like smart men, so wanted to “try” a lawyer, doctor, CEO, and venture capitalist. I like large men, so wanted to “try” an ex-pro football player and ex-pro basketball player. I love men with accents, so wanted to “try” some who came from foreign countries. You get the picture. I landed dates with all of the above and many more.

    ice cream coneIn the beginning I even gave my guys names of ice cream flavors. Butter Pecan for the PhD in electrical engineering because he was interesting and refined. Double Dip Chocolate with nuts for the fun-loving, 6-foot-9, black former pro-basketball player. Bubblegum for the 32-year-old movie date. Jamoca Almond Fudge for the Caribbean-born gentleman. Cafe Olay for the Brazilian salsa dancer. Passionfruit for the good kisser. Chunky Monkey for the chubby, hairy one. Hunka Burnin’ Fudge—well, you can guess that this one was eye candy!

    But I quickly ran out of nicknames, as I had more guys than Baskin-Robbins had flavors. Even borrowing from Ben and Jerry, I was burning through flavors faster than a double dip on a sweltering August day.

    So I encourage you to “try” dates with men you might have turned away if you’d strictly adhered to your list of desired traits. Some of my favorite treasures have come from going out with men who wouldn’t have been on my radar screen before. (A 6-foot-9 guy? “No way,” I used to think. But Double Dip Chocolate has become one of my dearest pals—as well as one of the best kissers I know!)

    So don’t limit your choices of flavors too much. Yes, those you date need to have the same values as you. But who cares if a man who lists himself as “athletic” in his profile is 40 pounds overweight? Extra weight can be shed, but integrity, intellect, thoughtfulness, respect, and caring are embedded. You can’t change that.

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  • You’ve got to kiss a lot of …. princes!

    Most of the women over 40 I talk to have become frustrated about dating because they seem to think many men are cads, players, jerks — in other words frogs! I’m here to share another view.

    In the last 18 months, as of today I’ve dated 56 men. No, that’s not 56 dates, but 56 individual men. Some multiple times. I’ve had a few 6-week relationships (more later on my theory on why men bail at 6 weeks) and one 6-month beau.

    prince crownOut of 56 men, I’ve had 5 bad first dates. I don’t think 10% is bad, really. However, I’ve met some interesting, kind, generous gentlemen. Those are the princes — they just weren’t my prince! There was some fatal flaw that I knew was a deal breaker. Am I being overly picky? Perhaps, but after realizing I’d “settled” in my marriage, I don’t want to do that to my next partner — or me — again.

    So, if you’ve had a bad encounter or two, it doesn’t mean everyone out there is a cad. It just means you have to do a better job screening by email and phone before you go on a date! You can tell a lot about someone by what they ask — or don’t ask, and what they tell you. I’ve saved myself many hours of suffering through a bad date by not saying yes to an invitation from someone who was arrogant, filthy-mouthed, sex-focused, interrupted me constantly — you get the picture.

    And I still keep in contact with a dozen of my gems who weren’t good matches, but we enjoy each other’s company. So they are princes — for someone else — and you get to enjoy their princeness without the complications and expectations of being a couple. And they’re great to ask my “Why would a guy…” questions!

    Princes are everywhere. Give a guy a chance to see if he is your prince. I know my prince is looking for me as hard as I’m looking for him. But if I don’t even answer his emails, how will I know?

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