Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Tag: dating over 40

  • Online dating time equivalent to dog years

    The Rules OnlineSometimes you hit it off with someone online and you exchange a flurry of emails. That is if you ignore the advice in The Rules for Online Dating. Authors Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneide tell women never to respond to an email from a potential suitor before 24 hours pass.

    Well, I’ve ignored The Rules. But I’ve gotten to know guys quicker because of it. When you are exchanging several emails a day, someone’s personality emerges much sooner than the weeks it would take if you followed Fein and Schneide’s advice.

    dogI liken it to the accelerated time passing of dog years. Depending on how quickly both of you respond, you can exchange numerous emails in a short period. One man even noted, “I don’t interpret a prompt response to my emails as desperation, just interest.” Fein and Schneide, however, say it makes you appear too eager.

    IMs are even more lightening fast, as you are talking real time. You write something and he writes back almost immediately. I’ve grown fond of someone pretty quickly through IMs.

    There’s something about online communication that enables you to ask questions you may not if you are talking on the phone. Somehow it can seem easier admitting to insecurities and sharing histories, goals, dreams and baggage. Of course, you can do this on the phone and in person, but there’s something akin to the anonymity of a confessional that lets people be forthcoming online. (Of course, there are always those who lie online, just as they would in person.)

    Is all this warp-speed courting good? I’m not sure. I like getting to know someone quickly to see if any deal breakers emerge. Better than spending months to uncover the same problems. But the downside is a seeming intimacy that hasn’t had time to really ferment.

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  • Are you a hoochie mama?

    “What’s that?” you ask.

    Mae West 2The term is commonly used to denote a loose or crass woman. However, because I have a dear friend who uses this as an enduring term for me, I like to think of it differently. My definition is a woman who is secure in her sexuality, comfortable flirting and playing. She knows how to be sexy and suggestive and not cross over to bawdy, ribald, obscene, vulgar, crude, coarse, lewd, dirty, or smutty. I think of Mae West as the exemplar.

    You are a hoochie mama if:

    • You laugh at others’ funny, suggestive (not vulgar) jokes.
    • You occasionally make double entendres in private, to close friends or your lover.
    • You find some of the cartoons in Playboy funny.
    • You occasionally wear sexy clothing to appropriate events (not to work). You are not afraid to show cleavage or skin when it is appropriate for the function (e.g., cocktail party, formal event, beach).
    • You are comfortable flirting with your dates and others who seem comfortable with it (not with your boss or his boss, or your best friend’s husband if he seems uncomfortable).

    You are not a hoochie mama if:

    • You get offended when anyone makes any suggestive comment in a non-work setting. (I expect you to be offended if it is inappropriate, directed at you, at work, or raunchy).
    • You feel it is inappropriate to exude any sexuality outside of your own home.

    You have to decide for yourself if 1) you are a hoochie mama, and 2) if you aren’t, do you want to be? If the latter, how can you loosen up a bit without crossing the line to crassness?

    mardi gras beadsYou may wonder how I received the “Hoochie Mama” pet name from my friend. He and his wife live in New Orleans so two years ago they invited me to attend Mardi Gras with them. I did, and came home with 50 pounds of beads. I had a great time. Since most people think there is only one way to get beads, if someone playful heard of my bead bounty, he’d look at me slyly. He’d say: “You must have done a lot of flashing to get all those beads.”

    So I created this hoochie-mama response: “There are various ways to earn beads. I won’t share my secrets, but I will tell you to look for me in the next ‘Middle-Aged Women Gone Wild’ video. The good thing about being middle aged, is you don’t have to raise your shirt so high to get beads.” I smile and wink and move on. He usually laughs heartily.

    Okay. Maybe I crossed the line.

    “It’s not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts.” —Mae West

    “I only like two kinds of men — domestic and imported.” —Mae West

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  • Sleepover do’s and don’ts

    “Sleepover? For adults?” you may be asking. “What do you mean?”

    Two-person pajama party. Duo slumber party. Couple cuddle fest. Jammie jam. No-sex sleepover. It can happen early in the relationship. You’re not ready to have sex, so you only cuddle and snooze with your new sweetie all night.

    Sleepovers are living on the edge. There is potential danger. You have to trust the guy enough to know he won’t force you to do anything you don’t want to do. I’m not advocating them, however, I know they happen. I’ll share some guidelines if you decide it is right for you.

    When are sleepovers likely to happen? When you’ve been out on a date until late. Your date brings you home, but is exhausted and has a long drive ahead, or has had a tad too much to drink so is uncomfortable driving. Coffee would barely make a dent in his alertness. He’s been a gentleman in every encounter with you. You haven’t had to reel him in. He’s shown he is trustworthy through his actions and words. He’s honored your boundaries.

    One option is for him to sleep in the guest room or on the couch. But know that if there are sparks between you, one of you may join the other before morning. More often sleepovers are in the same bed.

    How tos:

    • Explain he can stay, but there will be no sex of any kind. Some people have Clintonian definitions of sex, so be clear you mean no sex.
    • pajamasClothing is not optional. At minimum, undies must stay on, in their proper place (around one’s knees does not count as “on,” although technically they are on your body). Ideally, you both wear — and keep on — something non-sexy, e.g., t-shirts and sweat pants, pajamas — tops and bottoms. Flannel or cotton, not silk or satin. The less exposed skin the better, so avoid camisoles. I’m not meaning to sound prudish, but you want to be uninviting in this situation. Don’t don your frilly, see-through negligee for a sleepover. Save it for later. It will only invite trouble.
    • Expect there will be some “exploration” — unless you have a bundling board. It is hard for two attracted people to keep their hands off each other. So verbalize your boundaries and if his hand “slips” reinforce what’s OK by moving it as well as restating your boundary. If this “slippage” happens more than a couple of times, kick him out.
    • You have to stick to your own rules. You can’t change midway and say, “You feel so good, let’s have sex.” You are then sending mixed messages and he won’t want to honor your limits in the future because he won’t think you’re serious about them.
    • Don’t be a temptress to test his mettle. It is hard enough for two people to lie together, so don’t let your hand “slip” to a sensitive zone, nor engage in passionate kissing or other provocative behaviors. You are putting him in a double bind and most mortals would not pass the test. Don’t do this.

    So with all these rules, why do it? And why wouldn’t you?

    The pros:

    • You confirm you can trust him to honor your wishes. If you can trust him in the face of temptation, it will deepen the relationship.
    • There is something delicious about sleeping intertwined with someone you care about.

    The cons:

    • You may not get a lot of sleep. Sleeping with someone new takes some getting used to. It’s easy to wake when he turns. He may snore. Sleeping with your head on his chest may sound romantic, but it can create neck pain.
    • He will be there in the morning, when you’ll have morning breath, possibly a hangover, and sans makeup. You may also have to share bathroom time before work, find him a toothbrush and razor, make him breakfast.

    Sleepovers are really a matter of trust. For a sleepover to be successful you have to have clearly defined boundaries and confidence in your and his ability to respect them. Be firm in your rules. Don’t waffle. When pajama parties work, they are a delicious way to deepen your relationship.

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  • I’m glad dating is hard

    I bet you’re thinking, “That’s an odd approach.” At first blush, it sounds incongruent. But let me explain.

    My dear friend, the late Art Berg, was one of the best motivational speakers in the world until his death at age 39 in 2002. He wrote several books, was named 1992 Young Entrepreneur of the Year by the Small Business Administration, and Success magazine featured him as one of the Great Comeback’s of the Year. “Come back from what?” you may ask.

    In 1983, 21-year-old Art broke his neck in a serious automobile accident, leaving him a quadriplegic. His story isArt playing rugby inspiring of his recovery and subsequent ability to become a world-class wheelchair athlete enjoying a variety of sports, including full-contact wheelchair rugby (like those in the movie “Murderball“) and ultra marathon cyclist. But that is not what he shared from the platform to his audiences.

    Art Berg on stageIn his keynote speeches, he shared his life as a SCUBA-diving, ATV-riding, RV-driving adventurer, husband and father of two. But one of his most inspiring stories was not told on the lecture circuit. His sharing it made an impact on my life, and I now apply the lesson to my life, including dating.

    When in the hospital recovering from the accident he had to make decisions that would affect the rest of his life. One of the choices was the kind of wheelchair he would use. He could have a motorized one, which the doctors highly recommended because of his limited hand functions, or a hand-powered one. Art insisted on the latter. Why? Because he knew that if he chose the motorized one it would be too easy for him to get complacent — in his words, lazy. He knew the workout the hand-powered chair provided would keep his arms strong, hands flexible and internal organs functioning. A major problem for quadriplegics, he said, was their internal organs atrophied because of lack of exercise.

    This is just one example of his mantra, “Be grateful that life is hard.” “Hard” in terms of wheelchair power would keep him vigorous, active, healthy and alive a lot longer.

    But he went further in living this philosophy. He said that his accident was the best thing that ever happened to him. Why? RavensBecause it forced him to face his inner demons, to push himself past what he thought were his limits, to become the man that the Baltimore Ravens adopted as theirSuperBowl ring spiritual good luck charm the year they won the SuperBowl. (He proudly wore the SuperBowl ring they gave to him for being such a key part of their team.)

    He told me that he would not have become the man he did, nor would he have accomplished all that he had, if life were not hard. He had to dig for inner strength when he insisted on dressing himself the first time after his accident. It took 4 hours. He was adamant about SCUBA diving with his family. He even drove his family’s RV and piloted their motor boat. He took his family on cruises and played with them on the beach. Very little slowed this man down. You or I might have seen roadblocks, but Art said they were just challenges he’d figure a way around.

    So what does this do with dating? Dating is hard. It requires courage to date. Rejection stings. You have to risk getting your heart — and ego — bruised. You have to be willing to spend an hour getting “dated up” so you look good on a first date, then you discover within 10 minutes the guy isn’t a good fit. But if you want to live your life to the fullest and find your love match, not letting the setbacks force you to swear off dating, you have to keep going. Going out, that is. Dating.

    Art continued living fully after his accident. He didn’t give up. He could have and no one would have judged him poorly for it. His life would have been much easier if he chose the motorized wheelchair. But he knew it would be better for him if he took the hard path, not the easy one.

    Art Berg's bookIf he had given up, the world would have missed hearing this remarkable man’s stories of his life and lessons. He was an exemplar for the rest of us to stop whining about what isn’t working in our lives and just live fully — and be appreciative for every part of it, good and bad. He died so early, legions of people won’t hear his funny stories and sage wisdom. But hundreds of thousands did hear him in person or on video, and his books are still available from his web site.

    So next time you think, “Dating is hard,” be grateful. If you are consciously dating, looking for the presents, appreciating the treasures, and noting the lessons you’re learning about yourself, you will appreciate that the toughness is making you a stronger, better person. If you begin to get discouraged, think of how Art might approach the situation. He is still a motivater, however now it’s from heaven instead of from stage.

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  • Being present to the presents

    gift 2My nearly divorced 48-year-old neighbor said she was inspired by my philosophy expressed in this blog. She asked how I could still be positive and upbeat after going out with 68 men, none of whom was “the one.”

    I told her my philosophy is “never a wasted evening.” In my dating journey, I’ve met some wonderful men, had some great times, lots of laugher, and some memorable activities. I’ve experienced some close connections. I reawakened some feelings I thought were buried from the painful divorce. I’ve learned a lot about myself and about men.

    And even the less-than-stellar dates — and the very few bad dates — had a lesson attached. From one, the posting “Signs he won’t be asking for a second date” was spawned, which is one of my most looked at entries. Even “Date was a losing bet” birthed a funny story which amuses my friends and was a good lesson for me and others. Many first dates end in ambivalence, thus a posting on that. And I’ve learned to spot deal breakers quickly, so wrote “First-date red flags that this guy isn’t for you.”

    My friend pointed out that these lessons took consciousness on my part. They weren’t merely funny stories where I could easily bash men and label the guy a loser. (She noted that I don’t use that term, even with the guy who dumped me after 10 minutes, or other examples of uncouth behaviors.)

    She said she was amazed how present I am during the date to notice what’s happening, my feelings about it, and analyze what is or isn’t working. This is what psychologists call a “participant observer” perspective. It’s the ability to take note of what’s going on with and around you while you’re in the activity, then articulate and analyze it afterward, melding subjectivity with objectivity. It’s a skill I honed studying psychology and social psychology in college.

    To me, this is a key to dating positively. Dating is a vehicle to explore what I want and don’t want, what I do that makes a date a success or not, what a man does or doesn’t do that draws me to him or pushes me away. Without the presence to see the lessons, I just walk away feeling, “I like him” or not. No discernment about what I like or don’t, so no way to look for the traits I like in a future guy, or avoid what I don’t like.

    giftLook for the gifts — the presents — in all your encounters during the dating process. Starting with the first contact, emails, phone calls, face-to-face meetings, touching, kissing, etc., just notice how you feel and what’s going on. You may want to log what works for you and what doesn’t, and add these items to your boyfriend job description.

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  • A face perfect for radio

    ratioI’m sure you’ve heard that old insult. Well, after seeing myself on the Greg Behrendt Show the other day, I feel I have a face perfect for radio. Or newspaper. Perhaps telegraph. Just not TV.

    Before the show Hollywood makeup and hair artists worked their magic on me. Still the sags and bags were pronounced. As I watched the tape, I wondered what man would ever agree to coffee, let alone a subsequent date. I pondered a second mortgage for a face lift.

    Does this happen to you? You’re grammed up: full makeup, good hair day, a flattering frock. Someone snaps a pic. When you see it you think, “Who is that old/chubby frump? And why is she wearing my outfit and sitting where I sat?”

    Then it hits you: your self image is different — sometimes very different — than how others see you. Sometimes this is a good thing, as it helps you have more confidence if you think you’re looking good. And that poise, in fact, helps you appear more attractive.

    Sometimes you feel you look worse than others see you. Your self esteem doesn’t match your outer appearance.

    In dating, how you feel about yourself is sometimes affected by the reaction you get from your dates. If they continually shun you, you can begin to feel unappealing. And if you feel unattractive, no matter how many times your dates say you’re beautiful, you won’t believe them.

    I’ve been lucky as I’ve had more guys tell me I’m attractive than snub me. And even though when I smile the bags under my eyes grow gigantic, a smile is attractive on nearly everyone. But after seeing myself on camera, I wonder how any man could find my looks appealing. (I’ve seen myself on camera many times, but as one ages, the flaws are more distinct.)

    My lesson: If you get a picture of yourself that is unflattering, don’t linger on it. If you want to keep it as a memento of a special moment with people you love, great. If not, throw it away (or trim it and save the images you want in the pic). If there’s an unbecoming video, just file it in the back of the closet.

    However, if you look maaaaaavelous, put the photo where you can remind yourself you are appealing, especially after those dates where you got a chilly reception. Know that the man who is right for you will find you irresistible, and if a guy doesn’t find you alluring, it’s just not a match. Nothing personal. Next!

    (You may also want to read my posting, Don’t think you are damaged goods.)

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  • Knight and day

    knightHow many women have said they want a “knight in shining armor”? Well, I found one. Literally. His after-work life involves teaching historical swordplay and leather craft. He often gives dueling demonstrations at Renaissance faires.

    He introduced himself by email the other day. (I wonder if it’s hard to type while wearing metal gloves. Maybe I should say he chain-mailed me.)

    He’s also called me twice. (Must be fun to see an armor-wearing, sword-wielding guy on a cell phone.) We jested about jousting and how he could pun in his classes: “Do you get my point?” “This one will slay you.”

    He seems to be on a crusade to woo me. (Will our first date be at Round Table? Will he pick me up on a whitequeen horse?) I think I would like being referred to as “M’Lady” and being treated like a queen. His bowing when I enter the room might get old, but I should try it before I decide.

    If we move in together, would we buy Costco-sized armor polish? And just how does one launder a codpiece? In a cold, warm or delicate cycle? Would we get a giant circular table for when his knight-friends visited?

    It might be fun to live in a castle, although I rarely see castles in the local real estate listings. Would you have to get a variance for a moat?

    A modern-day Lancelot has allure, but there would be some barriers (hopefully not hot-oil filled ones). While he has a ready-made Halloween costume, I just don’t have the wardrobe to accompany a knight — by day or night. If we were invited to a suit-required event, would I have to specify, “Not the metal one”?

    sword fightIt would be comforting to know I’d be out with a man who would fight (and no doubt win) if my honor was impugned. But I just don’t see myself hanging out at duels. Could I bring my laptop and would there be a wireless connection?

    It seems we are fond of different centuries. Perhaps I’ll let this one pass. Or I might just have an ale with him to see if he’s as sharp as his sword.

    If it didn’t work out, I have my exit line ready: “Good knight, good luck”!

    Technorati Tags: dating Internet, dating online, senior dating, bbw dating, mature dating, dating over 50, dating over 40, online dating advice

  • Sharing your dating disclaimer

    My friend George, a long-time dater and avowed bachelor until he met his soulmate 18 months ago, had a printed dating disclaimer. He says he made women read it before he slept with them. He says, “I know it’s bizarre, but I wanted them to know what they were in for.”

    What was in his disclaimer? Here’s what it said:

    As we take another step forward…

    To avoid any possibility of you feeling misled in the future, I want to offer some “full disclosure” on several points. You may well think this is way premature, and I agree. I just want you to know up front what’s up with me. If you find something below that you don’t like about me, you can bail right now. I’m completely open to talking about anything. If you have questions, ask away. I have no sensitive areas.

    Shopping

    CostcoMy very favorite store is Costco and I go there frequently. I’m not likely to ever become a Nordstrom repeat customer. Most of what I wear and eat comes from Costco. If the chic “Kirkland” brand turns you off, well, you should know I’m not likely to stop shopping there, and that I even get a little thrill each time I even drive past a Costco.

    Age

    I told you that I have 99% integrity and that I would always let you know if I were in the 1% zone. Well, I’m 53, not 49 as I showed in my profile. It may well make a difference to you that I’m “in my fifties” or that I did tell this one lie. If so, I completely understand. The fact is that there’s quite a stigma attached to being “in your fifties.” I don’t feel 50, I don’t act 50, people say I don’t look 50, but I am “in my fifties.” There’s absolutely not one single other fact or statement that has come up during our “getting acquainted” process that is untrue. Nor will there be.

    Children

    In case there is any lingering possible remote teeny thought in your mind that you’d like to be with a man who might start a family with you some time in the distant future, you should know that I’ve had a vasectomy. It’s certainly not that I thought you might be trying to trick me into fathering a child. It’s just that I know some women have secret lingering maternal urges and I don’t want you to waste any time with me if that’s something you would like in your future.

    Marriage Prospects

    If your true aim is to find a man who will court you, propose to you, and then marry you, I’m probably not a good bet. I look upon life as a series of fascinating adventures. I’ve had great relationships in the past with spectacular friends and lovers.

    Sometimes relationships with girlfriends have gone sour when it becomes clear that I’m not really looking for a marriage partner or life-mate. I don’t rule out that possibility forever, and at the same time I just don’t see it in my medium-term future.

    Money

    I like friends and lovers to have some mutual financial involvement in their relationships. I’m not one of those “old fashioned guys” who would be insulted if you picked up the tab for coffee now and then. I have no financial shortage, and it’s not the amount involved that matters to me. If we go out for some lavish feast and I pay, and later you buy an iced tea, I consider that “even.” I don’t ever need for you to “keep up” with me in dollar terms. You should know, though, that I don’t like it when I buy everything. Just pay for coffee now and then and I’m happy. I don’t like feeling that I’m on a one-way street.

    Religion

    I’m an agnostic. Various people have different interpretations of what that means. Webster’s my authority: a person who holds the view that any ultimate reality (as God) is unknown and prob. unknowable; broadly: one who is not committed to believing in either the existence or the nonexistence of God or a god.

    That’s exactly how I see things. The “spiritual” interpretation I have of the world is abhorrent to many with conventional religious views. It would be intellectually arrogant of me to insist that my view is right, and that Catholics or Muslims or anybody else is wrong. I don’t know about God, and I don’t think anybody does or can know. Generally speaking, scientific, rational, Darwinian theorems always carry the most weight with me.

    Monogamy

    In my whole life, I have never been unfaithful to a girlfriend or wife. During this odd online dating process, I imagine that both of us will be meeting a variety of people. One thing I will not ever do is put you in a situation where your health is at any risk. Oh, by the way, I’m in perfect health in every respect including sexual health. In the last year, I’ve had intercourse with two girlfriends, and have had a complete blood test prior to being that intimate, and insisted that my lover did, too. I’m ultra cautious about my health.

    Sensuality

    Should it happen that we eventually become intimate, you should know that I’m not one of those Neanderthal caveman types who just wants to grunt and screw (sorry). I care more about touching, caressing, tasting, kissing, and laughing. I was a hippie type guy in the 1970s and have lingering tendencies. Nudity and the beautiful human body don’t bother me in the least. I’ve had a girlfriend with a mastectomy, one with secret piercings, and so on. I’m not scared of that stuff. And I like giving massages as much as receiving.

    Openness

    Just about nothing embarrasses me or makes me want to change the topic. You can ask me anything and I’ll give you a completely candid answer. Or, I’ll tell you that my answer isn’t truthful, like the age deal. Ask what you want to know. I didn’t write this to avoid talking to you about these things, but to stimulate talking about them. I want to be sure you’re fully informed about me.

    So, what should I know about you along these lines?

    What do you think? How would you feel receiving this? And if you were to create a disclaimer/disclosure, what would you put in it?

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  • Yummy is as yummy does

    When my friends ask if a particular man I’m seeing is handsome, I commonly respond, “If I saw him from across the room, I wouldn’t say ‘Who’s that yummy guy?’ But the more I’m with him, the yummier he gets.”

    George ClooneyMen seem to become cuter as their personalities emerge. A man who isn’t George Clooney handsome can be irresistible because of his humor, insights, introspection, boldness, thoughtfulness, intelligence, smile, presence and self-confidence. In fact, some of the sexiest and most attractive men I’ve known wouldn’t be considered handsome if you just saw their pictures. But within minutes of being with them, they’ve won you to their side.

    And somehow men who are attracted to you and treat you like a queen grow more appealing. Some guys know this, especially if they aren’t particularly good looking. If women don’t naturally flirt with him, a smart man makes himself alluring by consciously treating a woman so she feels special, appreciated and sexy — as long as he’s not slimy about it.

    So even if a man isn’t initially tantalizing, give him a chance to improve his yummy-quotient. You may just find a wonderful gentleman hiding under an ordinary exterior — and you’ll end up besotted nonetheless.

    Technorati Tags: dating Internet, dating online, senior dating, bbw dating, mature dating, dating over 50, dating over 40, online dating advice, dating after 40, dating after 50, over 40 dating,40+ dating, dating after forty

    Got a topic on dating after 40 you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.

  • Treasure found

    One of the joys I’ve experienced with online dating is discovering amazing men. I wrote about this in “Dating as networking.”

    A year ago, I received a well-written email from an intelligent, engaging, articulate, educated, feisty, 64-year-old man. He was older than I prefer, lives 3000 miles away, and had no picture posted. However, his well-crafted note prompted me to send an expanded version of my “Thanks, but you live too far away” email. He responded that he was moving to my area soon, would be here in a few weeks and, if I allowed, would love to meet me. We talked by phone several times before his visit. His charming, witty, engaging, playful manner enticed me to accept his invitation.

    In the weeks between that first email and our dinner date, I learned he was the first black man to attend a well-known Southern college in the early ’60s. The discrimination he endured and how he dealt with it was so intriguing, the 1995 book The Stem of Jesse. The Costs of Community at a 1960s Southern School was written about him and his experience.

    This Monday he was featured in two articles in the Macon Telegraph. He is one of my treasures. Although he ended up not moving to my area, we stay in contact through monthly calls and have created a great friendship. If I had just blown him off, I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to have this amazing man in my life.

  • Multi-dating pros and cons

    When I’ve shared with single, dating guy pals that I’m multi-dating they say that there is a double standard. If a guy talked about having dates with multiple women, he’d be chastised and accused of being a player.

    Isn’t the reason for dating to find out who you click with and who you don’t? Sometimes you have to go through a stream of single coffee dates to find someone you want to have a second date with — and who wants to see you again. Is it wrong to have a second date the same week you are having a first date with someone else?

    Date Like a ManIn Date like a Man: What Men Know about Dating and Are Afraid You’ll Find Out authors Myreah Moore and Jodie Gould share that there is nothing wrong with seeing several people at once — as long as you don’t lead them on to thinking they are the only one. Men have been doing this for centuries, and have earned titles like “ladies’ man,” “Casanova,” “playboy,” “Don Juan,” “lover boy,” and “lady killer.” Most of these terms are said with a smile and twinkle, even though some may get some negative feedback, like my male pals mentioned above.

    A woman who multi-dates — let alone hot bunks — is called by different terms: “hussy,” “tart,” “trollop,” “hoochie mama,” “easy,” “floozy,” “tramp,” “tease,” “femme fatale,” “seductress,” “temptress,” “siren,” “enchantress,” “vamp,” “man-eater,” “home wrecker” and the now popular, “ho.” I asked a few friends, and we couldn’t come up with a positive term for a woman who dates around. Perhaps we are ahead of society, so no term has been developed!

    One of the issues with dating multiple men is when to let them know. While it would seem best to tell him even before a face-to-face, it seems awkward.

    Recently, a guy handled this well. In his first email to me he said, “It is only fair for you to know that I am actively dating others. This however does not alter my interest in finding closeness with you, but don’t get mad at me if I don’t propose to you over our first coffee.”

    Since I, too, am dating others, I appreciated his candor. I found it refreshing he was so upfront.

    Another man told me on the first date he was seeing others. Again, I thought he handled it well. He told me he was attracted to me and needed to let me know he was just starting to date after his divorce, so was seeing a few other woman.

    I never lie to a man, but I also don’t like to rub it in his face if I’m seeing others. I drop hints that I am seeing others, and if things heat up, will be explicit then.

    Players date others but not let you know. They would try to hide their involvement, lying and covering up. So you can see others with impunity as long as you are open about it and it is OK with them.

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