When I’ve shared with single, dating guy pals that I’m multi-dating they say that there is a double standard. If a guy talked about having dates with multiple women, he’d be chastised and accused of being a player.
Isn’t the reason for dating to find out who you click with and who you don’t? Sometimes you have to go through a stream of single coffee dates to find someone you want to have a second date with — and who wants to see you again. Is it wrong to have a second date the same week you are having a first date with someone else?
In Date like a Man: What Men Know about Dating and Are Afraid You’ll Find Out authors Myreah Moore and Jodie Gould share that there is nothing wrong with seeing several people at once — as long as you don’t lead them on to thinking they are the only one. Men have been doing this for centuries, and have earned titles like “ladies’ man,” “Casanova,” “playboy,” “Don Juan,” “lover boy,” and “lady killer.” Most of these terms are said with a smile and twinkle, even though some may get some negative feedback, like my male pals mentioned above.
A woman who multi-dates — let alone hot bunks — is called by different terms: “hussy,” “tart,” “trollop,” “hoochie mama,” “easy,” “floozy,” “tramp,” “tease,” “femme fatale,” “seductress,” “temptress,” “siren,” “enchantress,” “vamp,” “man-eater,” “home wrecker” and the now popular, “ho.” I asked a few friends, and we couldn’t come up with a positive term for a woman who dates around. Perhaps we are ahead of society, so no term has been developed!
One of the issues with dating multiple men is when to let them know. While it would seem best to tell him even before a face-to-face, it seems awkward.
Recently, a guy handled this well. In his first email to me he said, “It is only fair for you to know that I am actively dating others. This however does not alter my interest in finding closeness with you, but don’t get mad at me if I don’t propose to you over our first coffee.”
Since I, too, am dating others, I appreciated his candor. I found it refreshing he was so upfront.
Another man told me on the first date he was seeing others. Again, I thought he handled it well. He told me he was attracted to me and needed to let me know he was just starting to date after his divorce, so was seeing a few other woman.
I never lie to a man, but I also don’t like to rub it in his face if I’m seeing others. I drop hints that I am seeing others, and if things heat up, will be explicit then.
Players date others but not let you know. They would try to hide their involvement, lying and covering up. So you can see others with impunity as long as you are open about it and it is OK with them.
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Comments
7 responses to “Multi-dating pros and cons”
I think it is best never to assume that your beau is not dating others. Until you agree the relationship is ‘exclusive’, it probably is not.
btw, I have commented on here a lot, and I feel that I should offer this disclaimer: I am NOT over 40. I am in my 30’s. I find the posts and discussion on this blog quite relevant to my life.
In the age of the internet, Liz is right, it is better to assume that everyone is dating multiple people. Really how couldn’t they be? With hundreds of choices, only the truly desperate or undesirable pins his or her hopes on one profile. Being adult about it has its advantages, especially when you are not sure someone is right. You can say “Listen, I feel bad about not going out with you anymore, but since I know there must be many people you are emailing or having coffee with, I am sure one of them will be a better fit”. It has always surprised me how acknowledging the obvious allows one part, if not friends, at least with good feelings.
While one would think that most people multi-date when on online sites, my experience is both with my friends and dates is that a lot of people are sequential daters. They date one person at a time. This is because they don’t have the time to date around, nor the memory to keep different people’s stories straight!
I don’t think that is exactly true. Dating is a process. The best description of it I know is John Gray’s “Venus and Mars on a Date”. While Gray is not the most profound thinker in western intellectual history he does make a lot of sense sometimes. Everyone has multiple profiles they are drooling over, more than one email flirtation going on, several coffee dates planned. A good example are my very efforts to flirt with you and Kelly at the same time in this email.
Hi Bruce. Who’s Kelly? And this is a flirt? 🙂
I know some balance several simultaneous flirtations, however I stand by my opinion that many don’t. Most that don’t tell me it’s too much work, and they’d rather focus on one at a time.
Kelly? I meant Liz.
to DG,
some say, our society, is so punitive, that, we are not allowed to live our personal lives, as we please…