Posted inAssessing your assets Dating after 40 From fear to frolic: sex

He wants to get sexual — online!

A DG reader writes:

This has happened a few times so am wondering if it is just me, or is common with midlife guys — or just midlife guys on online dating sites. We begin a fun banter via email or IM. I don’t get dirty with them, just playful. Some time passes — anywhere from an hour to a few weeks. We haven’t met. Their IMs go from playful and flirty to dirty, telling me what they want to do to me, or what they imagine us doing naked, etc., often graphically.

I say I don’t want to go there. They persist. I sign off. They apologize. Then they start again.

If I don’t care about the guy, I block his IMs. But if I liked him before he went porno on me, I think I ought to give him a second chance. Should I just put my foot down and say I’m uncomfortable going there? Or should I play along, knowing I’ll never meet some of them anyway? If I play along and then we agree to meet, I’m afraid he’ll jump me as soon as we say hello.

Posted inDating after 40 Moving on graciously Real deal or faux beau

He’s broken up with you — he just didn’t tell you

My guy pals have told me that men are emotional cowards. They’d rather walk barefoot over broken glass than do something that would make a woman cry. Thus their preference for going poof rather than tell you they have changed their mind.

A year ago I was interviewed by the Wall Street Journal for a story about how younger people learn their sweetie has broken up with them by their partner changing their Facebook relationship status to “single,” or by a text message. I thought that was immature. Midlife people didn’t do this kind of cowardly thing, did they?

Today I learned that King Charming has broken up with me. Did he tell me? No. In fact, in an hour-long IM two days ago he said, “I did not contact you nor meet you with the intention of our sharing a short-lived transient relationship. I am one who likes things to last for a very long time…. Candid with you I will always try to be….”

Posted inDating after 40 First-rate first dates Moving on graciously

Extricating yourself from a dud date

There are good dates, ambivalent dates, bad dates, and sometimes dates that are none of the above, just clearly not encounters with someone who is in any way a match. They can be painful when you, for manners sake, must stay longer than you would prefer.

A while ago, after a few email and phone conversations with a man who made me laugh, I accepted his lunch invitation, even though I generally start with only coffee. I rued not sticking with this rule!

Posted inDating after 40 Real deal or faux beau

Has Greg Behrendt done women a disservice?

He’s Just Not that Into YouYou may know that Greg Behrendt is the more visible co-author, with Liz Tuccillo, of the wildly popular advice book for women, He’s Just Not That Into You. In it they tell us, among other things, that if a man you’re dating doesn’t call you at least once a day, he’s just — you guessed it — not that into you.

Additionally, if a man’s not asking to see you at least once a week, he’s not that drawn to you, as other things are taking his focus.

If you believe the book — as I have in the past — you have used how frequently a man contacts you to determine how into you he is. If he doesn’t call, text, IM or email at least every couple of days, nor ask me out at least once a week — ideally by Wed. (a la The Rules), I’ve decided he’s not into me and continue dating other guys.

There are several problems with this premise:

Posted inDating after 40 Real deal or faux beau

He doesn’t introduce you to his adult kids

DG reader Carol asks:

I’m a single woman with three grown children, ages 26, 24, and 19, all on their own. I’ve been dating a man for eight months who has two adult sons, ages 37 and 35. He is fearful of introducing them to me, although he’s met my children (and liked them), friends, and we are now planning a trip to my brother’s home. I really love him, but am concerned that he will continue to hide our relationship — one son knows he is dating, but not my name or anything about me. How could I support him in introducing us, and after a year, should I write him off if he’s taken no action?

Posted inDating after 40

Can ducks help you find love?

When in Singapore in January, I learned about a Chinese legend that is supposed to help you attract love. It’s pretty simple.

Mandarin ducksIn Chinatown, a friend pointed out two Mandarin duck figurines. She said if you put these little statues in your bedroom so they faced each other bill-to-bill, they would attract love to you.

Why?

Posted inAssessing your assets Dating after 40

Making your own happiness

Yesterday was my birthday. When your birthday approaches, do you ask yourself, “What do I want?” Not just tangible presents, but what would make you happy not only on that day, but in life? I do.

Approaching my birthday, I decided I wanted to spend it with King Charming. Since I didn’t expect him to intuit what I wanted, I thought of several experiences I could suggest that would make me happy:

  • going dancing
  • having drinks on the patio of a favorite restaurant at sunsetfondue
  • hiking through a local park to admire the wildflowers
  • a drive and overnight through a picturesque part of our area
  • dinner at a local fondue restaurant
  • going to a comedy club

There was only one problem: King Charming was out of town and not to return until after my birthday. So what would be Plan B that would still make me happy?

Posted inDating after 40 First-rate first dates Real deal or faux beau

When his hand is on your knee too soon

hand on kneeDG reader Toni asks:

I just had a second date with a man who, during the show, put his hand on my leg. I removed it. To me that is way more intimate than holding hands or a hug is — the kind of intimate “owning” thing that a serious other does — not someone I don’t know at all.

This has happened to me on the first date! On one level, you could be flattered that he felt so comfortable with and attracted to you he behaved as if you’ve been dating longer. Or you could be incensed that he was so presumptuous and ungentlemanly that he would think this was okay.

Yes, most of us would be in the second camp.

Posted inAre you ready for Mr. Great? Dating after 40

Rejecting preconceived notions

Do you have biases about supposed characteristics attributed to a potential suitor’s personality, values and behaviors based on limited information? For example, do you think lawyers are hard-nosed and blood thirsty? Accountants are boring? Men over X age are sluggish and out of shape? Short men are…; tall men are…; men born abroad are…; men raised in certain religious traditions are….

No matter how open you like to think yourself to be, it is rare to not have some stereotypes based upon your experiences or your friends’ experiences. Even if you feel you are unaffected by the media’s depiction of certain professions, races, body types, religious backgrounds, etc., it is hard to not begin to lump men with similarities into some pigeonholes.

Posted inDating after 40 Dating chemistry

Truth in dating

If you’ve dated more than a few men who you learned didn’t exactly live up to the hype they promised, you’ll appreciate this video. It’s a fun parody of the hip-hop love songs extolling the guy’s sexual prowess.

But what if one were to be this honest when dating? Admitting one’s inexperience, ineptitude and insecurities — especially early on when you are really wanting to impress your date? It would be somewhere between sad and refreshing, depending on how it was delivered.