Posted inAre you ready for Mr. Great? Dating after 40

Do you like yourself better now?

I love me“I like you better now than when you were married,” a professional acquaintance shared recently.

It was a surprising statement from someone I didn’t know well. But it got me thinking. How am I different than I was 5 years ago when my ex left? What has caused the change? Do I like me more now?

As I reflected on his comment and my answers to the questions, I realized I was different. How am I different in ways this colleague might notice, since he only sees me twice a year at our professional association meetings? I think I am more playful and flirtatious. I’m willing to wear sexier attire at our formal events. I think I smile more and am less up tight.

Posted inAre you ready for Mr. Great? Dating after 40

Are you angry with him — or yourself?

angerLately I’ve noticed myself getting angry with men I’m getting to know. The causes can be varied: he doesn’t call when he says he will, he doesn’t call for weeks then acts like we talked yesterday, he gets too fresh too soon, he doesn’t honor my stated boundaries, he makes assumptions without checking them out with me.

I hear myself saying — generally in my mind afterward — “You can’t treat me like that.” Sometimes I speak up in the moment, but sometimes I don’t know how to say what’s on my mind without sounding accusatory. Or sometimes I haven’t articulated my feelings or thoughts until after the incident.

It is easy, I notice, to blame him: “How dare he..,” “How could he…,” “How could he think that what he said/did would be acceptable?”

Posted inCheck him out before going out Dating after 40 Dating chemistry

Assuming privileges

When you talk to a potential suitor regularly for more than a few weeks before meeting, a false sense of intimacy can develop. In flirty or soul-baring emails and/or phone conversations, you can begin to feel a budding emotional connection to the other.

Then when you do meet, there is an odd closeness. You feel you know someone who you’ve not met — essentially a stranger. There is a tendency to fast-forward to physical affection that would have taken longer (usually) to develop if you’d had less pre-meeting phone time.

You may have developed a fondness for the person through what and how he shared. So when he takes your hand in his, it seems an abnormal mix of comfort and newness. You both are more comfortable touching during this first meeting than you would be on a first date with someone you hadn’t talked to a lot before meeting.

Unfortunately, I’ve found this unnatural familiarity leads to behaviors that assume privileges too soon. Strong relationships are forged over time, not jumped into quickly.

Posted inAssessing your assets Dating after 40 Dating chemistry

Is he willing to be vulnerable?

Women typically say they want a guy who is willing to be vulnerable with them, and with whom they can be the same. I’ve dated some men for months who never shared a vulnerable thought, even if I asked about his hopes, fears, dreams and regrets. Nothing.

So I was pleased that a man I’ve been talking to for 3 weeks, but we haven’t yet met, was comfortable enough to cry on the phone with me. The circumstances were extenuating: his mother had just died, it was the day before the funeral, none of his siblings would help with the funeral in any way so everything fell on him. He was stressed over this, grief stricken, getting pressure from his job to return to work. Anyone would have cracked at this — or even less.

Posted inAssessing your assets Dating after 40

Has your guy been metro-ed?

Metro manMetro — as in metrosexual. According to Dictionary.com metrosexual, or metro, describes “a heterosexual male who has a strong aesthetic sense and inordinate interest in appearance and style, similar to that of homosexual males.”
UrbanDictionary.com includes the following description: “Mint (great) guys who are SNAGs (Sensitive New Age Guys) and follow the following rules:

  1. dress hot
  2. wear awesome shoes
  3. have very modern haircut
  4. disgusted with the thought of being with another man
  5. have perfect skin and love skin products
  6. love the gym
  7. own nothing but designer everything
  8. read style magazines often e.g, GQ
  9. know how to make only the best cocktails and if they drink beer it’s top-of-the-line imported
  10. can’t deal with a mess”
Posted inDating after 40 Dating chemistry Multidating responsibly

My boyfriend, whom I haven’t met

fog manA man has been wooing me the last 6 weeks, first via email while I was abroad, then during daily phone calls, emails and/or text messages.

We haven’t met, however, because 3 days after I returned home, he was called to his dying mother’s side 2000 miles away. While the doctors told him she only had a few days to live, she lived two weeks, only passing the other day. This week he’s finishing her burial plans and awaiting the rest of the family’s arrival for her funeral next weekend.

Posted inDating after 40 Multidating responsibly

Review of “The Four Man Plan: A Romantic Science”

The Four Man PlanCindy Lu has written a funny — albeit gutter-language-laden — book about systematically classifying the men you date. So if you don’t like to read language you’d hear in most comedy clubs, you’d best pass on this one. She is an actress and stand-up comedian, which is where this book got its start.

She lays out a plan to always have at least four men in the dating hopper. However, her mathematical formula for how to count each man (some are 1/4 men, others 1/2 men) is convoluted. I never caught on, and I won awards in math in school! (Nearly all knowledge of math is now forgotten due to under use.)

What I like about her philosophy is that she encourages you to juggle more than one man so you won’t be in the position to stick with a guy just because he’s the only one around. When you have more than one to choose from you don’t do those silly things we do when we’re desperate — like sleep with a guy we barely know just because we want some attention or affection.

Posted inDating after 40 Real deal or faux beau

Are you buff buddies?

buff femaleYou love working out. You are proud of your taut, fit body. You feel poorly if you don’t exercise for a day. You have made this a priority in your life.

How do you feel if you have a coffee date with someone who may not share your zest for exercise? Do you dismiss him summarily, even if he has a viable excuse like a recent injury or surgery? Perhaps he’s not obese, but clearly isn’t an exercise fiend. Do you bid him adieu, or give him a little slack, thinking you can include hikes, walks, dancing and other physical activities in future dates to help him get in shape?

Posted inUncategorized

Singapore slinging

The Singapore Sling is a drink originated at the Raffles Hotel. Now if you want one there in a reproduction of the original bar, it will set you back $13US ($21 Singapore). It is a fruity, sweet drink that some find cloying.

Singapore works

I am continually amazed at how well things in Singapore work. Every detail seems to be thought through. Granted, some seem a bit over regulated, but the rules are for the good of all.

  • No gum chewing. While you can have a few sticks for personal consumption, you are not allowed to sell it. Why the ban? Because gum carelessly discarded makes for dirty sidewalks and streets. Who likes to scrape off the yucky mass after stepping in soft gum?
  • Uniformed men and women troll the streets cleaning up cigarette butts and debris. There is a fine for littering — $1000 — so there is very little trash lying around. The public trash cans are emptied regularly, so I’ve rarely seen one overflowing. (There are also fines for spitting, jaywalking and not flushing a public toilet.)
  • To discourage people from driving and encourage public transportation, cars are assessed a fee for entering core areas during rush hour. How is this collected? All cars have an electronic meter that automatically deducts the fee when they enter the area. This is also how they pay parking fees — at the entrance your time is noted and at exit your fee is deducted from your electronic meter. Very efficient. No long lines waiting to pay parking fees.
  • Even bathrooms have an efficiency I wish would be adopted in the US. When you lock your stall, the outside shows a red “occupied” symbol. When it’s vacant, the symbol is green. This saves women from having to stoop to see if any legs are showing underneath the door.
  • There’s a $1 deposit on Metro (called the MRT) tickets. When you buy one you pay $1 more than the fare needed. When you arrive at your destination, you insert your spent ticket into the machine and it dispenses $1 back. These tickets are then reused. The MRT is clean, graffiti-free, air conditioned and on time.
  • No bicycles are allowed on the downtown streets. I’m imagining this is not only for safety but for traffic flow. However, bicycle rickshaws are allowed in certain tourist sections.
  • There are few horns honking on the roads, unlike India where it seemed de rigueur to honk at every opportunity. Singaporeans seem to like quiet. Even the motorcycles are quiet.

hawker center

Posted inDating after 40 From fear to frolic: sex

Why might a man think you’re a lady of easy virtue?

[googmonify]8790107066:right:120:600[/googmonify]While I’m traveling this month, some of my dating/relationship blogger pals have agreed to step in. Today our guest blogger is Jeff Mac, of Manslations fame.

Manslations reader Loiralei, has another of her patented “short, sweet, and potent” reader requests. This time? So….ummm…how soon can we DO IT? She writes:

How many dates should you go on with a man before you actually have sex with him for the first time without appearing to be a lady of easy virtue in a man’s eyes?

Dear Loiralei,