Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Category: Check him out before going out

  • “Tell me about yourself”

    The first real-time contact with a potential date can be awkward. You may have a sketchy description from an online profile, or just a few minutes of information from the friend who connected you. You want to find out more about him, but you’re not sure how to ask without seeming like you’re interrogating. So how do you ask?

    There are many ways. But let’s start with a question that gets the hairs on my neck standing on end. It is the seemingly innocuous:

    “Tell me about yourself.”

    Why does this irritate me so? Because it is so brainless. It says, “I haven’t bothered to read or remember anything about you. So instead of asking you to tell me more detail about what I know about you, I’m asking the most inane question I can muster. I’m not very creative, thoughtful, or inquisitive.”

    Equally inane ones are,

    • “Why are you still single?”
    • “Why did you divorce?”
    • “Do you have kids?” (It says I don’t in my profile. You read my profile, right? I didn’t think so.)
    • “Why haven’t you married?” (To someone who says he’s not divorced or separated.)

    Here are some ones I’ve found more interesting:

    • “What’s your favorite response to ‘Why are you still single?’ Now what’s the real reason.”
    • “What do you feel you might have done to save your marriage?”
    • “What’s your favorite part about being a dad?”
    • “In your next relationship, how do you want to prevent whatever went awry in your marriage?”

    There are myriad other questions you can ask which get progressively deeper and more revealing as you get to know him. The point is before you speak to him, think about some gently probing questions you can ask. Don’t be confrontational, but ask questions that get you to uncover values you find important.

    Once I went out with a man who complained that his divorce cost him over $100,000, even though he’d just told me the marriage was over years before and they just stayed together for the kids. I asked, “If it was over long ago for both of you, why was she so acrimonious?” He paused for a moment, as apparently no one had ever asked that before. Then he said, “Probably because of the extra marital relationships.” I said, “Yes, that would do it!”

    You can learn a lot not only by what a person asks you, but how he answers your questions. Try to make yours interesting, unusual and about issues that are important to you.

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  • Virtually falling for a guy

    I mean “virtually” two ways:

    1. As the dictionary defines it: “nearly, almost” as in not really; and
    2. Via the computer and/or phone; not face to face.

    My neighbor and I were once again comparing dating notes. She’s dipped her toe in the dating water a bit the last 6 months, going out with a handful of men. Currently, she is emailing two men she met through Chemistry.com. Both are interesting, intelligent, witty, and engaging. She finds the email veil allows her to get to know their personalities without the distraction of determining if she is physically attracted to either one.

    However, while it is important to enjoy getting to know how a guy thinks and communicates — at least in writing — we all know that it takes more than discourse to create a love interest.

    I have fallen for guys because of their emails or then through their phone calls only to have the attraction dissipate when meeting face to face. Sometimes it is my not finding them appealing, or they have irritating habits that quickly surface. Or they are not drawn to me, or I have some twitch that sends them packing.

    Scotish castleA Kansas-based friend of mine communicated with a man in Scotland via email, then in nightly hour-long VOIP conversations. They even frequently sent care packages to each other. After six months, he took 2 weeks vacation to come meet her. Because of his limited funds, he asked if he could crash on her couch in the small 2-bedroom, 1-bath house she shared with her 2 daughters.

    Although they had exchanged pictures, of course the 3-dimensional person looked different than either expected. But because they had built up a bond through the ether, they were at least not repulsed. However, as each day of his visit progressed, she became less and less enamored with him. Since this 38-year-old man lived with his parents, he didn’t bother to pick up his wet towels from her bathroom floor, nor help with any dinner preparation or clean up. After dinner, his rear became wedged in her recliner while she and the girls cleaned up. Other irritating, self-absorbed habits quickly emerged so she was ready to send him packing in less than a week. The “real” Scot was quite different than the “virtual” one.

    If he isn’t in person as you’d hoped, it’s easy to think that all the time you spent communicating with a guy is wasted. Perhaps you are honest and say, “I’ve really liked how we communicated these last few weeks, but I’m not feeling the spark to think we have a romantic connection. Would you be willing for us to remain in contact as friends?” Many men see this as the kiss of death and may say “yes” but not initiate nor respond to any contact in the future.

    During those weeks of emailing, you have, no doubt, enjoyed yourself, so it was a form of entertainment. And you may have learned something about yourself as you responded to his questions. Maybe he asked, “Who do you think the best US president was?” and you hadn’t really thought about it. You spend a little time ruminating before you respond, then are pleased with your answer and supporting arguments. You’ve uncovered something you didn’t know about yourself!

    And of course, maybe he’ll accept your invitation — or offer his own — to be your pal. I keep in touch with over a dozen guys I went out with who are now my pals and I treasure each of them. So even if you have the attitude that you don’t need any more friends, don’t totally discard an interesting guy so quickly, even if there is no romantic spark. And you never know when a romantic spark may be kindled once you get to know each other’s hearts better.

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  • Think of dating like the movie “Groundhog Day”

    Groundhog DayRemember the hilarious 1993 film “Groundhog Day”? Poor Bill Murray‘s character, Phil Connors, repeats the same day — Feb. 2, Groundhog Day — over and over and over again. But he’s aware that he’s reliving it so he begins to do different things each day, at first hedonistically, then he begins to reexamine his life and priorities. He’s sweet on Andie MacDowell‘s character, Rita, so begins to learn what she likes, then woos her by pretending to like the same things until she falls for him.

    It struck me the other day — not on Feb. 2 — that dating is an opportunity to do your own “Groundhog Day” with a twist. Instead of reliving the same situation with the same date, you have an opportunity to try something new with each guy.

    For example, you decided you weren’t straightforward enough with the last guy you went out with. You realized you should have been more clear with him about what you were looking for (e.g., a long-term relationship vs. casual dating). You two never went beyond his always calling you at the last minute for a movie and dinner. That guy is gone, so now you get a chance to do it differently next time.

    With each successive guy, or even experience with the same guy, you have a chance to reflect on what worked and what didn’t work, then to behave differently the next time. If it’s with the same guy, you can see how your new behavior is received and whether the outcome is what you want or not. Just like Bill Murray’s character, you can see how these new actions work and make adjustments for the next time.

    If it’s a new guy, you can watch how your new approach works. Since every guy is different, the new behavior may work fine with one but not another. For example, if your fresh approach is to disclose on the first encounter your aforementioned purpose in dating, one guy may think it’s great you are so clear and share that he, too, is looking for a long-term love, not a casual activity partner. Another may be impressed by your clarity, but share he has different needs. And another may be so threatened by your assertiveness that you never hear from him again. Good! You’ve now learned that your new behavior works to get rid of those who are threatened by you and attract those who say they want similar things. This works so well, you decide to bring it up in the pre-meeting phone conversation so those who don’t want something similar are weeded out.

    So look at dating life as a way to have your own personal continuous improvement program. Just as businesses are constantly looking at how to improve their processes and therefore their results, you have a grand opportunity to do this for your personal life. Look at it as a live training ground for you and use every opportunity to examine your own behaviors and outcomes and make adjustments the next time you’re with a date.

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  • Phone number screens dating callers for you

    GrandCentralMy friend Doug alerted me to a new service he thought would be perfect for daters (no, he’s not representing the company). It’s called GrandCentral.com.

    It allows you to have a free phone number in any area code you want. You can give it to guys you meet online or in person and there’s no way to trace the number back to your name or address. Additionally, you set it to forward to the phone(s) you want: cell, home, work. You can even set it to forward to a different phone depending on the time of day so you don’t get dating calls at work.

    You can screen your calls or block callers you don’t want to talk to. You can listen in on people leaving voice mail before taking the call. Sounds perfect for avoiding stalkers or those who are obtuse. For guys who don’t really understand “I don’t want to see you anymore,” now you don’t have to change your number.

    It lets you have different messages for different callers. “Yes, Steve, my sweet patootie, I’d love to have dinner with you Sunday.” “No, Dash, it’s too little too late, so please don’t call again.” “No Robin, calling me at 10:00 p.m. to ask if you can bring over a DVD screams ‘bootie call’ and I’m not interested.”

    Which reminds me of this message, reported to be on someone’s answer machine, forwarded from my friend Paulette Ensign (The Booklet Queen).

    “I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.”

    If you are out of the US (like DG readers Gatti, Cat and ER), you can get a US number if you’re Skypecommunicating with folks in the US, then hear your voice mails from the GrandCentral web site. If you want to talk to the person real time, you can always use Skype for pennies per minute.

    If you’re interested, now during the beta period they are offering goodies to try the service. You can have unlimited inbound minutes, unlimited voicemail, and all premium features, including call record. You can check voice mail from a phone or the web site.

    I contacted the owners and they said they’d give DG readers a $5 credit on outbound calling.  You can then return calls directly from your voice mail or from the site while displaying your GrandCentral caller ID and keeping your phone number private. But for GrandCentral to know you’re one of my readers and get the $5 credit, you need to use the code “DatingGoddess” in the promotion code field on the sign up page.

    If Match.com, Yahoo! Personals, JDate and other sites were savvy, they’d have this service as part of their package. It would eliminate many of those jitters of “Do I trust him enough to give him my number?”

    I signed up for the beta. If you do, too, let me know what you think.

    Got a topic on dating after 40 you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.

  • Dating’s “pre-game” activities

    Super BowlHave you been inundated with the Super Bowl pre-game activity options? You could easily devote the whole weekend to Super Bowl shows if you wanted. In scanning the various proceeding, it reminded me of a conversation I had recently with a single gal pal.

    We were talking about how important first impressions are in dating. But we realized the definition of “first impression” was a bit nebulous. Was it the first wink or email? The first phone conversation? Or the first meeting? All are important and can be a telling prelude to the outcome of the “game.”

    The “pre-game” activities — pre-meeting, if you will — set the tone for the first face-to-face. I’ve had wonderful email and phone conversations with a man before meeting him, so that when we met it felt like I’d known him a long time. I was already drawn to him when I met him physically. This can set up a touch down much earlier than if you allow the game to progress as painstakingly as it does on the gridiron. Just as in football each yard is won with difficulty (if the teams are evenly matched), in dating each next step evolves quickly or slowly depending on the players.

    But as often as the pre-game activities segued into a wonderful first — and subsequent — encounters, they can also build tremendous expectations among the players and fans (your friends who you’ve told about this great guy with whom you’re talking). And as we know, expectations can fall flat as often as not. I’ve experienced this on many occasions. A guy is amazing on the phone and in email (the pre-game interviews and hype of the game), yet when you meet, no sizzle.

    My current guy was like that. We’d had wonderful calls and emails for 10 days before meeting for coffee. When we met, he was very tired and he’d momentarily nod off. I thought I must be the most boring person he’d ever talked to. If we hadn’t already set up dinner the next night, I’m afraid I would have sent him a “You’re a nice guy, but I didn’t feel any spark” email. But because of our delicious pre-meeting communication, I decided to give him another chance and the dinner went well (he’d gotten some sleep). So sometimes the pre-game intrigue encourages you to give someone some grace — and another chance.

    If you watch the Super Bowl on Sunday, see if you can see parallels to dating. Yes, occasionally your date will be called for “holding,” but you may like it so there is no penalty. “Roughing the passer” is if he gets too fresh but instead of costing him yardage, you make him sit on the bench — alone. No one likes to be on a date with someone who displays “unsportsmanlike conduct.” And sometimes being “sacked” is a good thing. 🙂

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  • “I want to court you”

    hand holdingThese words are heart melting to a woman who wants love, romance, and a long-term relationship. No other man had said these to me. They were voiced after two weeks of nightly talking for hours about things that were important to each of us. What broke up past relationships, what was important to each of us, what we were looking for in a mate, what made us happy and unhappy.

    I was ready to be courted so was delighted when he said it. I interpreted it as he was romantic, wanted to make me happy, and had long-term intentions.

    How do you know if you are ready to be courted? He seemed to have so much of what I was looking for. He was funny, smart, accomplished, asked questions no one else seemed to care about, was interested in getting to know the real me. I was ready to fall in love. After many hours of talking on the phone, we seemed so compatible. I was ready to focus on one person, having grown weary of dating around.

    Did he court me? Yes. Coming from a 5-hour drive away, we agreed he’d visit my city for a few days. He reserved a hotel room and we met for dinner the first night. We hit it off immediately. We both thought the other was more attractive than the pictures in our profiles. We held hands and cuddled while enjoying a cocktail. We couldn’t take our eyes off each other at dinner. We later strolled to another nice bar and lingered over a night cap, not wanting to let each other go. We felt we’d known each other a long time. He said he hadn’t felt like this in a long, long time. Was this the love I’d been waiting for?

    His courtship had begun in earnest. He was doing and saying all the right things.

    The next day we enjoyed each other’s company with lots of laughter, deep conversation and cuddling. The following day evolved deliciously with late-morning coffee, exploring art galleries, enjoying the sunset’s flaming sky, and dining at a restaurant we discovered was a favorite for both of us. He was good at spoiling me and having fun.

    Did his wooing work? Yes and no. Generally, he was a good date, making sure I had what I needed to make me happy. However, while he was doing all of the above, there were also behavioral gnats gnawing at my patience. Was I being an ingrate for all the time and money he invested in showing me a good time? Was I being too sensitive? Too picky? No one is perfect. Could I live with these minor irritations? I know I have my own set of peculiarities that he would have to adapt to.

    We spent a lot of time together over 3 days. When you do, the annoyances mount up. With in-town suitors, you have lunch or dinner together, or spend an afternoon or day in an activity. Then you are apart for a day or more. It gives you a chance to give each other some grace and space. But by spending so much time together in just a few days, the irritants compound.

    Will his courtship continue? That is yet to be determined. We both need to decide if the things we enjoy about each other outweigh the burrs. Was there enough positive to invest more time on the phone and in person and see if we can work out the irritations? We will give each other some time to reflect and see what transpires.

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  • Judging a guy by how well he … punctuates

    Jeff RubinI was chatting with my friend Jeff Rubin (The Newsletter Guy) about dating profiles and punctuation today. “Punctuation?” you ask. “That’s a weird topic.” Not to Jeff and other of my friends. You see, Jeff started National Punctuation Day (Sept. 24) to call attention to the importance of proper punctuation. The book Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation helped garner a lot of attention to this topic.Eats, Shoots and Leaves

    Jeff and I were chatting about online profiles and I said I was drawn to men’s profiles that were articulate, humorous and with proper spelling, grammar and — you guessed it — punctuation. Recently, I responded to a guy out of my geographical range because he said he was a “down-to-earth guy” — punctuated properly. Of course, he also met my other criteria, but it is so rare to see correct punctuation I swooned. Too bad the date didn’t end in an exclamation point!

    Here’s an example of a far-too-common profile writing style:

    my dogs not helping!

    dependable, loving,affectionate, communicative, low maintanence, lover of traveling,sweet, outdoorsy camper ,playful, great kisser, fetcher funny,cuddler,OOPS all thats my dog! oh well… like dog.. like owner! of course im the cuter one. seeking the same and more!

    Do you find all those misspellings, bad punctuation and missing capitals appealing? I don’t. I guess some people don’t understand how important a first impression is.

    After going out with a guy once, I had to tell him we weren’t a match. He was good humored about it and teased me about why. I responded half kiddingly “It’s because you write ‘your’ when you mean ‘you’re.’” Other common examples are using “it’s” (it is) when “its” (possessive form) is what is called for. More than one man describes himself as “Intellegent” in his profile.

    I know, you’re thinking, “That’s kinda shallow, isn’t it? To judge someone on their punctuation?” It’s only one piece of the puzzle. So be mindful of your own punctuation. When in doubt, go to the National Punctuation Day site where Jeff has a primer on proper punctuation and some terrific photos and products.

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  • Dear Fido

    DobermanThis guy kept coming to the top of my matches on one of the dating sites, so after a few months I decided to initiate contact. But I did so with his dog mentioned in his profile, which we’ll call “Fido” to protect his — and his owner’s — identity. The things mentioned are references to items in his owner’s profile.

    Dear Fido:

    You are cute! However I hope I don’t offend you, but I think that guy you live with is even cuter. While I hope I get a chance to meet you and appreciate your sense of humor, I already appreciate his.

    I’m writing to you to see if you can give me the real scoop, as he seems like a guy I’d like to get to know. Is he really as intelligent and funny as he appears in his profile? Or is that hyperbole to entice ladies to meet with him?

    While I don’t row or spearfish, I do enjoy some of the same things: hiking, biking, I’ve even done some beginning SCUBA in Hawaii. I, too, am educated and well-traveled, and, like him, I love learning which has also increased “my awareness of how little we really know.”

    He says I’d get bonus points if I recognized the schools affiliated with various mascots. My high school mascot was the Trojans, do I get points for that? In fact, as Sr. Class President, I was star of a tasteless skit about Trojans, and no, it was not referencing our mascot!

    So, give me the skinny. What is he really like? He keeps showing up in my matches, so do you think we’d be a good match? If so, can you put in a good word for me when he’s especially susceptible, like when you’re snuggled up with your head on him and looking at him with those big eyes of yours? If you give me the inside scoop I promise to brush you and give you lots of treats. What do you say?

    (Fido’s response)

    Hi Goddess!

    Sorry for taking so long to get back to you but I had to show your letter to my dad since I am not yet two years old and he doesn’t like me to write to older women. He looked at your profile and said that you looked safe, looked at your note to me and said that you are obviously creative and funny and looked at your picture and said that you are very pretty. He then wanted to write to you himself but I reminded him that you letter was to me, not him.

    Well, I can tell you this, if you go out with him and mind very well, you can look forward to having your ears scratched and your side rubbed until your leg kicks. And, if you climb up in his lap, he will love you up until you go to sleep.

    My dad was always very supportive when I was growing up. For example, he wanted me to get a good business education, so he spread out the Wall Street Journal on the kitchen floor for me to read when I was a pup. I remember getting too agitated over some of the articles and making statements on them before he got home. I guess, I’m just a Blue State kind of dog. I even learned some French this way but my dad says that my pronunciation suffers a bit, given my focus in life. For example, before each meal I say, “Bone apetite” and he says that’s close but not really right. What do you think?

    Do you have a dog for me to play with? Both my dad and I like playmates that don’t growl or bite and don’t arch their back and seem mean. We both like friends that like to run and play and go to the bathroom before we get in the car. I don’t think he likes friends that drool on the side of the car when they hang their heads out the window either. I don’t know how you two would ever figure out if you like each other since my dad says it’s not polite to sniff. I just think it makes sense since I can find out if my friend is really a girl, is hot to trot, where she’s been and what she’s eaten.

    Maybe you two should get a good rubber toy and play tug of war and chase each other. It works for me. If you would like to actually talk with me, you can call me at XX. My dad may answer if I’m sleeping but that’s OK because then you can talk with him…

    Fido (the hound of renown)

    Dearest Fido, hound of renown:

    Thank you for writing. Since it had taken awhile, I thought perhaps I had been too forward, or that your dad had found another (prettier, sexier, thinner, smarter, funnier) woman. I’m glad that you don’t think that’s the case. And you would know, wouldn’t you?

    «I am not yet two years old and he doesn’t like me to write to older women.»

    He is wise.

    «He then wanted to write to you himself but I reminded him that you letter was to me, not him.»

    He is welcomed to write himself. But I am glad you took the time to compose such a great letter.

    «mind very well, you can look forward to having your ears scratched and your side rubbed until your leg kicks. And, if you climb up in his lap, he will love you up until you go to sleep.»

    Yum! I will work very hard to mind if those are my rewards! Although I haven’t been as well trained as you obviously have, so I hope there’s no hitting with the newspaper involved if I misbehave. Sometimes I’m at my best when I’m misbehaving! Usually a look or stern voice are enough for me to see the error of my ways.

    «”Bone Apetite”…. What do you think?»

    You are a very funny dog! I think I would cherish any dog who tries to speak French, no matter the pronunciation. If you will forgive mine, I will accept yours.

    «Do you have a dog for me to play with?»

    I’m sorry, I don’t. But this is good, because I can lavish my pent-up dog affection totally on you! I am very affectionate (without being clingy), so I will welcome the opportunity to pet, brush, play with and cuddle you. Perhaps a little will rub off onto dad. 🙂

    «Both my dad and I like playmates that don’t growl or bite and don’t arch their back and seem mean. We both like friends that like to run and play and go to the bathroom before we get in the car. I don’t think he likes friends that drool on the side of the car when they hang their heads out the window either.»

    I think I qualify on all accounts.

    «If you would like to actually talk with me, you can call me at XX. My dad may answer if I’m sleeping but that’s OK because then you can talk with him»

    I would like to talk to you both. However, Fido, what is Dad’s name in case he answers the phone? I know I can always ask for you, but he might have to interpret until I can communicate with you face-to-face.

    Goddess

    (After the first phone conversation)

    Dearest Fido:

    So we’re meeting for coffee. I’m not sure if you’ll be accompanying him or not. If not, I will have to meet you next time (assuming I’m not odious to him and there is a next time). Perhaps you can come to my house and chase some squirrels. You do like to chase squirrels, don’t you? My back yard is infested with them and if you’d like to make your presence known and scare them off, I’d be grateful (read: more treats and brushing for you).

    I did, however, have to practically pry his name out of him! I thought it a bit awkward to keep calling him Fido’s dad, and I thought shortening it to just “Dad” was a bit presumptuous on a first conversation. He is hilarious, but you already know that. I think making each other laugh is key to a good relationship. I know, I know, you think a good walk, treats, and brushing are key. They are, I agree, for both dogs and humans.

    Hey, he says one of his favorite books is The House at Pooh Corner! That cracked me up because for years when someone asked my favorite book, I cited that one! Wow! I’ve never met another adult who admitted to that in public! Cool! (I know, there were way too many exclamation points in that paragraph, but I was just excited. I’m calmer now. See, just periods.)

    I hope to meet you soon. And thanks again for putting in the good word.

    Goddess

    Whoof!!!

    (To our first meeting for coffee, I took a basket of dog treats, a Winnie the Pooh book and some fresh-baked homemade blueberry muffins, which I’d learned was one of Fido dad’s favorite foods.)

    Goddess:

    Thanks again for meeting me today. I really enjoyed getting to know you. I also appreciated your thoughtfulness in bringing the book and treats. The bagged [dog] treats were especially good and were very much like scones and very tasty with tea….

    Fido’s Dad

    Hi Fido’s Dad:

    > Thanks again for meeting me today. I really enjoyed getting to know you.

    Me, too. But then I’ve always been a sucker for intelligent, good-looking, Winnie-the-Pooh-loving guys who own Dobermans, like blueberry muffins, have a quick wit and make me laugh.

    > also appreciated your thoughtfulness in bringing the book and treats.

    It just felt like the thing to do to thank Fido for his yenta services.

    Goddess

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  • Be creative to get his attention!

    Last week I had two sublime dates, Wed. and Thurs., with a new guy (#65 if you’re keeping track). I loved being with him, and from all he said and did, it seemed he felt similarly. He called twice Friday while on a business trip (yes, even over a weekend). He’d said it was fine to call him, so I left him a voice mail Sunday night, and he called Monday. Tuesday he sent two brief emails. Then nothing for nearly 3 days.

    I’m used to guys calling or emailing every day, especially if it seems like there’s a mutual attraction. Perhaps I was impatient. In the unstable first few weeks of a potential relationship, there is uncertainty. I was wanting some sign he was still interested. Call it insecurity. I try to rein it in, but unfortunately it leaks out despite my best attempts.

    I didn’t want to call him again — it seemed so desperate. After all, in He’s Just Not That Into You it says guys don’t like to be chased, and they will call if they are thinking about you and want to talk to you. So I decided to get creative.

    Since he interviews and hires people as part of his job, I decided to write an email speaking his language.

    Subject: Job application status request

    Dear Dr. XX:

    As you know, I applied for your organization’s position of “sweetheart trainee” last week. I enjoyed very much our two interviews and thought I fit the job qualifications very well. You are a great interviewer! I thought the practice session Thurs. night went particularly well, and could see myself enjoying the job very much. From your response, it appeared that your needs and my skills were a fit.

    Since it’s been a little while since we’ve touched base, I’m wondering if the position is still available or if it has been filled. Or perhaps you are still searching for a better-qualified candidate. I’m happy to have a third interview to determine if we are a good fit, before starting a probationary period.

    I know you have been very busy with your frequent travel. But if you would be so kind as to tell me if the position is still available and if so, if I’m being considered for it, or if I should move on to the next opportunity. I would love to fill the job, and would be very sad if I’m out of the running, but understand if you think it may not be a good fit.

    🙂

    An hour later he called laughing, as he’d just read it. He said a coworker next to him wondered what was so funny that caused him to laugh so loudly. I was glad to hear from him. He apologized for not being in more regular contact, that he’d work on being better, especially when he was traveling. We set a date for this weekend. Creativity can work!

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  • Guy needs to make effort for first encounter

    I broke my own rule the other day — I initiated contact with a guy. I don’t know why I do this — the results are almost laughably predictable. He had looked at my profile, but didn’t write. I thought he was cute, smart, articulate, so I wrote.

    His response: “I live close to [intersection about 10 miles from me]. If you ever find yourself coming to this area maybe we can plan a chance meeting.”

    Translated: “I don’t have much desire to meet you and am not willing to make any effort, so if you come to me, I’ll eke out a few minutes to deign to see if you have any appeal to me.”

    Well, buddy, your inertia is unappealing. Even if we lived a ways apart, you could at least offer to meet half way if you’re so lethargic that you can’t muster the extra 5 miles to meet near me, which most guys do.

    And, by the way, how does one “plan a chance meeting”? It’s an oxymoron. That’s like planned spontaneity. You can’t plan a “chance” meeting.

    So, no, pal, I won’t be calling you nor driving to your neighborhood for that planned chance meeting.

    When will I learn that if they don’t initiate they have no energy for you?

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  • Are you putting your best voice forward?

    Do you know what your voice projects about you to your potential date? Most people don’t. They can’t even stand to listen to their outgoing voice mail. But in the dating game, how you sound is one component of the dance that can either lead the guy to ask you out or beg off.

    Today I talked to a new potential suitor. His picture was cute; his profile expressed intelligence and humor; he was tall. All good things.

    But his voice wasn’t as deep and strong as I like. Is it a deal breaker? No. But it doesn’t add to his allure. However, another man with a Barry-White-type deep, melodious voice earned many dates with me, even though there were other things that weren’t a great fit. I loved hearing him speak and overlooked other imperfections because of it.

    Another man was jovial on the phone, but he mispronounced too many words, even though he had a graduate degree. He also slurred words. If he’d just had some help with diction and enunciation, he would have come across much better. Another’s speech pattern was effeminate. He is intelligent and fun, but when I first heard him on the phone, I wondered if he might be gay. He isn’t. I went out with both, so the voice wasn’t a show stopper. But it did make a difference in their overall attractiveness.

    Men often comment that they like my voice. One said, “I’m so glad you don’t have a high, nasal, or squeaky voice. That would be hard to listen to.” I have worked hard to have a pleasant voice, even suffering through listening to recordings of myself to make improvements.

    You don’t want to sound breathy, as that sounds like you work for a 900 service! I know a woman who answers the phone with a breathy “hel-low,” sounding as if she were the receptionist for a call-girl service, rather than a mid-life mother of teenagers. And she only talks like that until she knows who it is, then she slips into her “normal” tone. The difference feels odd because of the inconsistency. She does, however, have wrong numbers call back just to chat with her! But none have resulted in a date.

    Get some feedback about your voice. If you could improve, get some help from a voice coach. It will not only affect your success in dating, but will probably help you in your job as well.

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