Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Category: Moving on graciously

  • Are you date sated — or hungry?

    Sate: satisfy (a desire or an appetite) to the full; supply (someone) with as much as or more of something than is desired or can be managed.

    shopping cartYou know not to grocery shop when you are hungry as you’ll be tempted to take home things that aren’t really good for you.

    The same is true in dating.

    When you are “hungry” — lonely, bored, horny — you respond to or make contact with men who you normally wouldn’t find appealing. You go on coffee dates with guys you know you don’t have an ounce of interest in just for something to do. You may accept a second date invitation if he isn’t odious. When you’ve had your dating “fill” you have to awkwardly disengage, declining additional dates, leaving the guy bewildered at what happened.

    However, if you’re seeing someone you like, even if it isn’t serious, no one online looks appealing. If you receive regular emailed matches you automatically hit delete or give them a quick scan. No one entices you to respond or make contact. You are date sated.

    You can also be disinterested in dating when you are satiated by other activities in life. If your appetite for affection, attention, and activities is quenched from other sources, you are not drawn to potential dates. You ignore winks, emails and maybe even phone calls. You have pushed yourself away from the dating table. You say, “Thank you, but I’m full.”

    Shortly after experiencing a difficult break up, I binged on my matches like a starving woman who hadn’t had a morsel in months. I contacted men to whom I normally wouldn’t have been drawn. I met them for coffee, and then had to send the “We’re not a match” email afterwards. I was not being discerning — devouring everything that was put before me. And while I believe in experimenting, just like at a buffet, and at least “tasting” (meeting) men who are the least bit appealing, I guzzled coffee dates as if it were my last chance to meet anyone.

    Notice how you feel about dating right now. Are you ravenousness? Slightly hungry? Or satisfied? This will determine how you approach dating.

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  • Being “thrown under the bus”

    busThis is a common term in the dating world to express a breakup. At the end of a relationship, you are either the one being thrown or the one doing the throwing. Neither image is a pleasant one. When I suggest my sweetie is going to throw me under the bus, he cringes at the words.

    Why is it that this has become such a popular term, given the violent image it conjures? It implies finality, where “He broke up with me” suggests there is chance for reconciliation.

    Consider what other terms for a breakup communicate:

    • “He dumped me.”
    • “He dropped me like a hot rock.”
    • “He called it quits.”
    • “He went poof.”

    All of these say the decision was solely in his hands. While it may be true that you wanted to continue and he didn’t, you sound like a powerless victim.

    We choose words to express our feelings and view of reality. Some convey our sense of victimhood, that we had no say in the outcome. Others show a sign a humor, which means you aren’t taking it too seriously.

    Or you could want to telegraph that it was you making the decision, even if that wasn’t the truth. So to pump your ego, you may say, “I dumped him.” Which is not respectful of him. “I called it quits” proclaims that you were the sole decision maker.

    If you use the term “throw under the bus,” ask yourself what you are expressing. Are you feeling sad but attempting to be light about the situation? How about choosing a term to explain to your friends what happened that doesn’t make you sound like a victim? Something like:

    • “We parted ways.”
    • “We’re not seeing each other anymore.”
    • “We decided we aren’t a good match for each other”
    • “We’ve moved on.”
    • “We decided to be just friends.”

    The point is, no matter how sad, upset, or disrespected you feel, express the breakup in terms that honor both of you. No matter how much of a loser, jerk and cad he was. You will show your class through your words, and will have more respect for yourself.

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  • Should you respond to someone about whom you’re ambivalent?

    emailYou receive a nice, personalized email from a man on a dating site. He’s crafted an message specific to you, commenting on items from your profile. His profile is fine, but something is a borderline deal breaker. You vacillate whether to respond with your nice boilerplate “Thanks but no thanks” email, or to encourage more interaction.

    No doubt like you, I’ve received lots of contacts from guys who clearly weren’t a fit, or of enough interest for me to meet for coffee. Those were easy to deal with. I simply sent them my “Thanks but no thanks” email.

    The slippery slope begins when you have ambivalence but decide to write back anyway. There was nothing odious about his profile or communication, but also nothing really compelling. And there was that one (or more) issue that raised a yellow flag. Not to say this is always bad, as I’ve met some great guys who I initially thought weren’t of interest, some of whom I dated multiple times or others who became beaus.

    But more often than not, I knew we weren’t a match from the get go. However, his email was so nice, or he was articulate, or there was something interesting in his profile to offset the borderline deal breaker. So I answered the email, which progressed to a phone call, which led to coffee. And after you’ve built a bit of a bond through multiple emails and phone calls, when you meet and there’s no spark, it’s uncomfortable to have to tell him so.

    In “Hello — goodbye: How to say ‘no thanks’ after meeting” I discussed how to gently yet clearly let a guy know you aren’t a match. I always feel badly when I must have that conversation when I was pretty sure we wouldn’t be a match from the beginning.

    “Then why even encourage him?” you rightly wonder. Because some of my most special guys were ones who I was close to emailing a “no thanks” message. But after some emails, phone calls and coffee, I warmed to them. In “‘I only want to date someone I would marry’” I shared that as long as there aren’t glaring red lights and he seems interesting, go ahead and meet for coffee.

    Sometimes you respond to his initial email out of selfishness. You haven’t had a date, let alone an interesting, flirty email conversation in a while. Maybe you are lonely. Or bored. And there’s no one else on the horizon. He seems nice enough, so who knows? So you respond, even though you’re 90% sure you’re not a good match. That’s not really a good way to start any relationship, even if it’s only a one-time coffee one.

    The wisdom lies in knowing whom to turn down at the beginning to save you both time and possible rejection and who to respond to, in the hopes that there will be a spark. How do you get this wisdom? I wish it were just from reading these missives. But unfortunately, it is usually from having lived through a few experiences where you have to turn someone down for a second date, knowing you should have done so before the first.

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  • Should you seek feedback on why it didn’t work out?

    I’m sometimes asked why my multi-week relationships didn’t work out. If the guy released me, I don’t really know so can only guess. I’ve been asked, “What did the guy say when he broke up with you?”

    poofThe truth is, most of them have just gone poof, even after seeing each other 5-7 weeks. Very few men officially “break up” by communicating they don’t want to see me romantically anymore. And if they do, they often use the nebulous, “It wasn’t working for me.”

    When I’ve gently pressed and calmly said I’m really interested in what wasn’t working, the answers have been unconvincing. After dating 7 weeks, I suggested to one beau that I’d love to meet his college-age kids sometime. He broke up with me soon after that (in an email) saying he just wanted to be friends. When I said, “Okay. Can you tell me what precipitated this?” he said he wasn’t comfortable with my meeting his kids this soon. Ironically, a few weeks later I arranged to return some of his belongings and one of his kids was home and he seemed comfortable introducing us. Go figure.

    So I’m not convinced many men would tell a woman what was really going on, even if we didn’t yell or cry, but asked calmly and patiently, not blaming.

    I’ve also noticed with uncanny regularity that when I’ve received “constructive” feedback from someone — not just suitors — the feedback I receive is nearly identical to the feedback I’d say to the giver. A colleague once told me that I “had rough edges” which is nearly identical to how I had described him months earlier to someone who didn’t know him. So I think sometimes we are mirrors for others who see their faults in us more clearly than they see them in themselves.

    Does this mean you shouldn’t try to get feedback in dating’s equivalent of an exit interview? No. I encourage you to solicit feedback from former sweeties as well as close friends to see if they can shed light on your blind spots. If you get consistent feedback from dates, beaus, or friends, then give it credence. A favorite question I ask my pals is, “How do you see me shooting myself in the foot?” They will help you see areas you sabotage your efforts.

    Matthew PerryIn dating, you see people do stuff that you think, “If only someone would tell him … he would be so much more successful.” You don’t want to be that clueless person who keeps unknowingly repelling potential suitors. Remember on Friends Chandler’s (Matthew Perry) love interest, Janice (Maggie Wheeler), with the obnoxious laugh? While I’m sure there are some people on the planet who wouldn’t find it annoying, the majority do. If someone lovingly told her, she might be able to tone down the volume to a minimum.

    In “I could really see us together if you lost weight” I shared that I don’t think you should expect someone else to change. But we’re not talking about him now, we’re talking about you.

    Should you solicit feedback from all former love interests? I believe you should from the ones you felt particularly matched. In the area of strategic customer service, which is my professional expertise, I tell clients to pay closest attention to the feedback they receive from their best (by their definition) customers. You want to attract more like them, so you want to make sure you’re not driving them away unwittingly. The same is true for beaus. You are most interested in feedback from the ones you felt had long-term potential — until they broke up with you.

    When you receive their feedback, I’m sure you know you should strive to remain calm, not get defensive nor overly emotional. Should you begin yelling, sobbing or name calling? Not a good strategy. That will not gain you any useful information.

    Even if some time has passed — in fact, some time passing is probably better — have the courage to contact those with whom you had a good relationship and it went awry. Ask for feedback calmly and non-defensively. See if you can uncover some trends and make some modifications if you do. And try not to laugh like Janice.

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  • Is he crazy — or are you?

    They fell quickly and hard. Within 2.5 weeks of meeting, they were exchanging I love yous. They spent every weekend together and most weekday nights. They were sure they’d found their soul mates. The sex was frequent and fantastic. Then something shifted.

    They started fighting frequently. She was often late to their assignations — sometimes 2.5 hours — without informing him. When he called to check on her, the Desperate Housewivescommon excuse was “I got caught up in Desperate Housewives (or some TV show).” Did she not know about Tivo? Or that she could watch the episode anytime on abc.com? And isn’t it ironic that as she watched the ebbs and flows of romance on the show, she put her own relationship in jepordy while a hot, enthralling, attentive sweetheart waited for her 10 minutes away?

    In their 3 months dating, she insisted he come to her house for overnights, not because she had kids, but because it was easier on her. She didn’t have to pack an overnight bag, nor find parking in his urban neighborhood, even though he had to circle several blocks to do the same in hers. When he expressed his preference to share overnight hosting, she accused him of having commitment issues.

    But he felt she was “the one,” so suggested they go to couples counseling. Although she had been in therapy before, she insisted he go by himself as it was “his problem, not hers.”

    A long time ago, a boyfriend tried to convince me that I “really needed counseling.” While I’m sure I could have benefited from a trained professional’s input, I resented that he didn’t see he had any role in the problems we were having. How arrogant to assume an otherwise normally functioning person is to take all the blame for a relationship’s misfires.

    In recounting his story, my friend asked, “What do you think? Was I right in ending it, or should I reconsider? Was she crazy or am I?” Knowing him reasonably well, I would not consider him crazy. He’s one of the more evolved, intelligent and grounded men I know, who is not afraid of initiating difficult conversations. Although he’s 10 years younger, I can’t convince him he would really like dating an older woman — me!

    I responded to his questions that, based on what he told me (acknowledging that I only heard his side of the story), she sounded self-focused and immature, although she is 35 (he’s 42). He also shared other examples and I observed that she made decisions that affected them both, and used flimsy reasoning as the basis for her decisions. She became angry when he expressed a different preference. She got upset when he occasionally had work to do on a weekend, yet didn’t see a problem when she buried herself under school course work for weekends in a row. She wanted him when she wanted him, and if he wanted to work out, or see his friends for a few hours, she’d get upset.

    Seem a tad bit controlling to you? You bet! This woman displayed classic self-focused behavior that we sometimes complain about men exhibiting. The controlling virus is present in both genders, of course. I prescribed my friend read “When breaking up is a ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ card” and although he broke it off, “How to trump being dumped.”

    What do you think? Was he crazy to break up with her? Have you ever been in a similar situation? What did you do?

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  • How to detect the end is near

    the end is nearMany midlife women have shared that they are blindsided, as I have been, when a man breaks up with them or just disappears. We are curious what signs we missed that the end was coming. Here are a few things I and others have noticed in retrospect.

    • He starts acting jerky. A friend shared with me that when he wants to break up with a woman, he starts acting like a jerk so she’ll break up with him. The reason he wants her to break up with him rather than the other way around is because there is less drama for him that way.
    • He calls less. You can tell there’s been a shift when he calls less frequently than in the past. He’d been calling every day and now starts skipping a day or two, giving you excuses why he “forgot” or “got busy.” Once in a while this is okay, but if his daily calls are now every 2 or 3 days, look at it as a yellow flag.
    • He touches you less. If you usually hold hands while walking, now he puts his hands in his pockets. If he usually puts his arm around you in the movies, now he holds his drink the whole time.
    • He doesn’t talk about future plans. There is no “Let’s go to XXX this weekend,” or “We should go see that new movie.”
    • He neglects his grooming. He no longer bothers to shave before seeing you, or put on cologne, or wear anything other than old sweats. Yes, as you get more used to each other, couples usually relax their grooming habits. But now he never seems to want to look good for you.
    • He doesn’t want to go anywhere. Instead he wants to bring in a DVD and take out — or have you cook. He’s not willing to invest any money in you and the relationship. You have been relegated to booty call.
    • He goes home after said booty call. Not much cuddling, and no waking up together. So no spending the next day together.
    • He takes home his stuff. If he kept a toothbrush at your place, or other personal items, they begin to go home with him until there’s nothing left.

    What have you noticed are signs that the end of the relationship is near?

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  • Don’t send flowers with a kiss-off email

    I heard about a service called DumpADate.com. Their tag line is “When it’s time to dump your date.”

    dead flowersNow I think this is a dumb concept. It offers a service where you can email or write your intended ex-sweetie and they will deliver the message. What, picking up the phone, writing your own email or sending your own letter is too hard? Give me a break!

    But, they say, you can attempt to soften the blow by sending some flowers with the message. Can we say “add salt to the wound,” “add insult to injury” or just “lame”? It’s bad enough that your former beau didn’t have the courage to tell you himself, but he sends flowers with his “have a nice life” message? Talk about mixed messages!

    Their site says:

    We suggest that life is short, so why not ask yourself the following questions.

    • Are you questioning your relationships future?
    • Do you just wish to be a friend?
    • Do you think it is time to move on?
    • Would you like to give it one more try?
    • Is there someone you know who just doesn’t get the message?

    And you can send a private and personal voice message. They say:

    • Do you know someone who simply just isn’t getting the message?
    • Do you want to say exactly what you think, in private, and without a confrontation?
    • Do you wish to say something to someone privately, but can not or do not, wish to be there in person?

    They add:

    Our website is filled with flower and gift selections for any stage of a relationship, and for all occasions. We are here for you whether the sun is rising in your relationship or beginning to set on the horizon.

    I know a few days ago I recommended GrandCentral.com for private voice mail, but I was just kidding when I suggested you could leave a personal email to someone you wanted to stop seeing. These people, however, are serious!

    I think this is a sad commentary on how a business has sprung up to serve those who are too cowardly to break up respectfully.

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  • When a man tells you what he paid for things

    FerragamoFor two months I dated a man who told me what he paid for his Mercedes ($85,000), his Ferragamo shoes ($450), his Persian rug ($1400), his Rolex ($10,000), and his son’s PlayStation ($600), among other items. He was a wealthy man who spent less than $100 total on our weekly dates.

    This got me wondering what was up. Was he not that into me that he only took me to dinner twice (including once to Chili’s) and out to the movies once? The rest of the time it was a simple dinner at his house or mine and a DVD. Oh, yes, there was the debacle of taking me dancing where he spent $26 for our admission, then declined to dance with me, but wouldn’t leave because he’d paid the entrance fee and wanted to stay until he got his money’s worth.

    Was he just stingy? Tightfisted? Miserly? I can understand if someone is frugal, especially if they live on a modest income, but why the incongruence between what he spent on himself and what he spent on our entertainment? While I didn’t expect him to spend exorbitantly on our dates, nor do I need a wealthy man, the disparity was glaring.

    Ralph LaurenSo why do some men feel the need to tell you how much they spent on their toys? I think it is so they can prove they are successful. It is the same reason they wear logo shirts (e.g., Ralph Lauren) and Rolex watches, to give the aura of affluence. However, they could also be up to their eyeballs in hock to afford these luxuries. I call it affluent poverty when someone goes into debt to appear they are financially successful. I’d much prefer seeing last year’s tax return, net worth balance sheet and 401k statement than high-end cars, watches, or shoes.

    I think continually boasting about the price of your acquisitions reeks of low-self esteem. It shows you are trying to impress someone with your purchasing power. This man grew up lower middle class and worked himself to the top of his profession. I guess the way to show he had made it — not only to himself but to others — was to buy himself expensive toys. And of course, to tell others what he paid for them.

    However, many people who have learned to like fine purchases also take pleasure in sharing similar items with people of whom they are fond, whether family, friends, or women they are wanting to woo. While I helped him choose generous Christmas gifts for acquaintances, I got nothing, not even a card. For Valentine’s Day again I received not a thing — not even a call, although I sent him a card and he promised to take me to dinner. It never happened. That’s when I decided I didn’t want to date a wealthy, bragging Scrooge.

    When a man repeatedly tells you what he spent on things, note the yellow flag. And if he then spends virtually nothing on you, run the other direction.

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  • It’s moving day!

    Lately, some DG readers have shared their unwillingness to move on from a love gone sour. Sometimes they know they need to, but can’t seem to cut that last emotional thread that leaves them feeling debilitated and unable to get on with their lives. Others seem to relish wallowing in retelling how the last guy did them wrong and how all men are immature liars and jerks.

    Neither of these points of view are helping you get what you want — assuming you truly want someone who is good, kind, mature and respectful. Your point of view, and recounting it over and over and over, is repelling others. If it isn’t, you’re attracting men who commiserate about how his last love was a liar, cheat, etc. So you both are entering a potential relationship with a lot of negativity, not to mention suspicion. How hard is it to overcome someone’s preconceived notion that the other gender is full of immature liars, which, by the way, they think you may be, too? They are on the lookout for anything that resembles the last person’s immaturity, even though they may be misinterpreting your behavior. It’s a vicious cycle.

    So, in the interest of all DG readers’ good mental health, I declare today as

    Moving dayMoving Day!

    Move on from those past hurts. Yes, grieving is something all of us need to go through, but have you been using grieving as an excuse a bit too long? Now, rather than it being a healthy part of ending a relationship, has it lingered so it is now so much of who you are you wouldn’t know how to describe yourself without a “the last guy did me wrong” story in there?

    Let it go!

    The next time you’re swapping relationship history with a gal pal or new guy, exercise self restraint and just say the last guy and you “didn’t work out” or you two “wanted different things.” That’s it. No elaboration needed.

    If you have remaining physical items that remind you negatively of him, get rid of them. Throw or give them away. When my ex left, one of the first things I did was take down the gallery of our wedding pictures from the wall and put them in a box in the closet. Nearly all pictures of him were put away. If you need to rip up his photos or set them afire to feel closure, go for it (safely, of course). That lamp he gave you that you never really liked? Goodwill. That sweater he bought you but you felt it was too tight? Salvation Army. Get boxes for these things, as it is truly moving day! You are moving into the next great part of your life.

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  • Allow him to change his mind

    I hear women complain about guys who suggest future plans or verbalize their affection in the early stages of dating. Then these women are irritated, nay angry, when the guy disappears. It is easy to do and I’ve found myself doing it, too.

    Instead of labeling the guys “liars,” “jerks,” “losers,” and “snakes,” why not just label them “human”? Just accept that he changed his mind. After getting to know you a bit better, he either reassessed his priorities or realized you two aren’t as good a match as he thought at first. As people get to know each other, behaviors come out that may be deal breakers for the other. Of course, we hope he has enough respect for us and courage to let us know.

    I’m not naive. I know some cads and players use the “future” ploy when trying to woo a woman. Many women like to hear that a guy likes her so well he’s talking about future activities together, or says the things we like to hear. But my experience, and those of my friends, is that only maybe 10% — if that — of those we’ve gone out with are blowing smoke when they sweet talk us. You can usually tell those guys early on through email and phone conversations, so no need to actually meet them.

    You’ve changed your mind about a guy after dating him a little while, right? Of course! The difference is when someone says things that imply he is thinking you’ll be together weeks, months, or even years from now. You buy into it as all seems to be going well. You like him, too. And by all indications he feels similarly entranced. You want to be together, so you like it when he says things that sound like he plans to be with you in the future.

    GladSo when you’re clear he’s changed his mind, instead of getting mad, be glad! (Sorry for the altered old advertising slogan.) Be happy that he changed his mind now, even if he left you hanging and didn’t communicate his change of heart. Imagine how much worse it would be if he had this revelation weeks, months or years from now, after you’d invested a lot of time and energy into the relationship.

    When it is apparent something has shifted for him — he no longer calls, emails, or returns your calls, just release the feelings you had for him as well as the anger at his going “poof.” He may not have told you, in part because he hadn’t really articulated it himself, he was afraid of hurting you, or creating a lot of drama for himself. (I still am amazed that men think going “poof” won’t hurt the woman.)

    So, accept his humanness (not to be confused with humaneness), complete with his ineptness at communicating, his herky-jerky way of moving on, and his exercising his option to change his mind. As you may have already experienced, this can happen in a marriage, not just in the early stages of dating, even after vows are said and commitments are made. I am not saying that I endorse this behavior or feel it is right, but I also know that you can make yourself bitter by being righteous and repel everyone in your path. So you can get angry that he disappointed you and has gone back on his word or you can accept that unfortunately humans do that, work through your anger, and move on.

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  • Releasing revenge

    In a seminar I was leading, a customer service provider was irritated by the rude customers she dealt with daily. “I want to know how to get back at them,” she demanded of me.

    When someone has wronged us, it is common to want revenge. When a man has led us on, then unceremoniously dumped us without the courtesy of a call or explanation, it hurts. Bad. We want to lash out at him. We want him to hurt, too.

    When we hurt, we want the person who caused our anguish to be in pain. And we’re most willing to be the source of their pain!

    revengeBut revenge accomplishes nothing. Maybe it makes you feel better short term. But since I believe in dating karma I think that the person who harmed you will get his due. It is not up to you to provide his comeuppance.

    As I told the woman in the seminar, try to put yourself in his shoes. We have no idea what is going on with him, what past hurts have been triggered by you. All we know is he is not coming from a very high self to treat you this way. You can choose to stoop to his low level and retaliate, or you can take a deep breath, feel some compassion for the pain he must be in to treat another human being so badly, and wish him the best.

    Hurting others usually comes from pain. I vividly remember hitting my head hard on a low-hanging door frame when visiting my favorite auntie. Immediately afterward she meant well by saying, “Careful.” The pain was intense and I wanted to lash out, “What a stupid thing to say after I’ve bashed my head!” But I knew that was her way of wanting to be helpful. I was a hair’s breadth away from lambasting one of the people dearest to me because I wasn’t thinking clearly. Perhaps getting close to someone romantically triggered deep wounds for him that you’ll never be privy to.

    You may be thinking, “I would never treat someone like that!” However, can you honestly say you’ve never treated anyone, ever, at any time, badly? You’ve never been inconsiderate or rude to anyone in your life, whether family member, friend or stranger? If so, I want to touch your hem. Most of us, even if rarely and unintentionally, have treated someone poorly. When you put it in this perspective, it is easier to have some compassion.

    You may run into the man who wronged you in jointly frequented places. You don’t have to hold a grudge. When you see him, you can simply say “hello” and keep moving. Or when you think of him and start to get angry at how he treated you, instead see if you can be appreciative that he is no longer regularly in your life. Release the thought of anger and replace it with one of hoping that he gets what he needs to break through his past patterns of behavior that alienate him from good people like you. And try not to sound condescending when you say this to yourself!

    Feelings of desired revenge only fester in you, raising your blood pressure, prompting tenseness, and causing you to wallow in a mental state that you don’t want to stay for long. You can acknowledge your desire for him to be punished, but move through that feeling quickly. He will get what he will get — and he may not appear to ever be punished or change his ways, leaving other forsaken women in his wake. And unless he’s done something illegal, it’s not up to you to be the magistrate.

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