Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Category: Real deal or faux beau

  • Is he collecting data on how to make you happy?

    favorites folderI briefly dated a man who interspersed into our conversations a myriad of questions about my preferences. He asked about my favorite flower, gemstone, color, fabric, musical artist, book genre, movie type, restaurants, foods, thing to do on a sunny day, coffee shop, travel destinations, pet peeves, etc. After a few questions, I asked why he wanted to know. “I’m noting them for future reference. I want to make you happy, so need to know what will do so.”

    Wow! No one else has been as overt in his probing for my happiness makers. I was impressed with his diligence. The connection fizzled before he had a chance to deliver on any of this knowledge. But the fact that he was gathering it was a sign that he knew what information to gather and seemed — at least initially — to care about making me happy.

    Could he have intended to use this information to manipulate me? Perhaps. But since I’m an interpret-things-positively kinda gal, I wouldn’t assume that unless I saw evidence to support that negative interpretation.

    Of course, happiness does not revolve around receiving a favorite flower, as it’s more important how a man speaks to you, is respectful, keeps his word, listens and generally treats you. But if all the right behaviors are in place, it’s added enhancement if he 1) cares enough to know what you like, and 2) provides those things regularly, willingly, and with love. A smart man understands this is part of the ongoing romancing of his sweetie.

    Do you collect info on your guy’s favorites? I am less apt to be as overt as the man described above, but I do make note of how he takes his coffee, what he regularly drinks, teams he roots for, etc. If I’m seeing two guys concurrently, I’ll make a note about this information in each man’s file in my Date-A-Base. (It’s too much to remember about multiple men.)

    How would you like it if a man was methodical about collecting your preferences? Would you like it or think it was a tad creepy? And how do you go about noting what your guy likes?

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  • Avoid frivolous talk on a date

    Frivolous: unworthy of serious attention; trivial; of little value.

    One of the consistent complaints men make about women is their incessant talking. And it’s just not that there is no silence. But women more than men talk and talk and talk about things of no consequence to the men. In fact, she will go into great detail about people he doesn’t know and will never meet. And the stories have no point that is relevant to him or her.

    Women bond through talking. A woman talks to share part of her life with her man, which is why so much discussion is about people in her life — or even people she’s never met but are in her friends’ lives! Women also talk to sort out their opinions and feelings. “Talking it out” is a common habit among many women, and can provide release of tension.

    The problem is women don’t know with whom this is acceptable behavior and with whom it is an irritant. On a date — especially on early dates with a guy — it can be deadly. He wants to listen to you (if he’s at all conscious), but if you babble on and on, he’ll turn off quicker than a triggered safety valve. And if they end up in a relationship, she’ll complain that he doesn’t listen. Could it be that she rarely says anything relevant to him? Or things important to her are hidden in with so much noise he doesn’t know to listen up?

    blah blah blah“And then he said…then she said…and then…and then…” and on and on. The man is thinking, “Get to the point!” Or she says, “Gina’s boyfriend’s cousin was so upset because….” He doesn’t know Gina, her boyfriend or his cousin, so couldn’t care less. Or she keeps talking and talking, saying little of consequence, perhaps even repeating herself.

    I’ve noticed this in a lot of women, and fight hard to not fall into this behavior, although I’m sure I do sometimes. But twelve years ago, I had an experience that made me realize how much frivolous talk I contributed. It cured me of much of it.

    I attended a 9-day residential personal growth workshop. We’d been told that this workshop could be life-changing if we followed the guidance of our facilitators while we were there. I decided to participate full out —- no holding back or deciding which processes I’d participate in and which ones I wouldn’t. I trusted these leaders so I did the exercises fully.

    The first day we were told there was to be no frivolous talk for the next 3 days. In fact, there was to be no talk at all outside of our workshop room, other than to discuss logistics issues (e.g., car pooling). We were to be silent.

    I was struck by how many times I’d think of chatting with my classmates about unimportant things —- the weather, her pretty jacket, could he pass the salt. I saw how much “noise” I contributed. These things weren’t really important, or I didn’t need to speak to communicate them.

    By forcing us into silence, we saw how little of our usual babble really needed to be said. When the silence was lifted, we were much quieter than we’d been before. When we did speak, it was to ask a deeper question, or to share a meaningful insight.

    Although I’ve drifted back into some chatter, I talk less now than before. If someone asks me to repeat something that I then realize was unimportant, I say, “I’m just talking here —- not saying anything.”

    Why don’t you try observing and curbing your frivolous talk? You don’t have to be silent, but think about what you say before you say it. Ask yourself “Does this really need to be said? Will it make a difference to my listener?” If not, then button it up!

    Men appreciate silence — especially if he’s driving in heavy traffic or bad weather, or when first sitting down at a restaurant. Your smile will tell him you aren’t giving him the “silent treatment,” but just enjoying his company.

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  • What’s your need for affiliation?

    A friend shared with me the concept of people having different needs for affiliation — how much “people contact” they need.

    As you would guess, some have a very low need for affiliation — someone like the Unabomber who is content to live like a hermit with human contact only a few times a year, and then only because of necessity. Granted, he is mentally ill, but you get my drift.

    And some people have a very high need to be around people and get depressed when they aren’t. Think Paris Hilton (we’ll skip any assessment about mental health). I find it interesting that some of these folks can just be in the presence of others — not interacting with them — and still have their itch scratched. That may be the case for people who spend all day in a popular park, Starbucks, Borders, or the library, reading and working. They talk with very few people, if any, but they just like being around others.

    My theory is this: Your dating behaviors reflect your need for affiliation. So if you have a high need, you’re apt to email, call and IM the person you’re dating multiple times a day. (We began to explore this in “Do you both have the same dating rhythm?“)

    scratchIf your guy has less need for affiliation — perhaps much less — than you, he will soon tire of scratching your people-contact itch. But if you think he’s just being standoffish, or ignoring you, you will become annoyed.

    And if it is he who has the higher people-connection need, you will be irritated about his seemingly unending desire for attention. And “need” is the operative word here. It is the word we use to describe people who want more than we are comfortable giving: needy.

    But what if you both have similar affiliation needs? Then it’s not really needy, is it? You’re both scratching each others’ itch. And it feels good. Or what if you both have high affiliation needs, but he doesn’t contact you as often as you’d like because he gets his needs met by coworkers and pals?

    So define where you are on an Affiliation Continuum. I know, sometimes it varies. But think, generally, do you like a lot of people contact, talking to coworkers frequently at work, chatting with friends and family while commuting, exercising and while doing chores? Do you have talk radio on at home, work and/or the car? Is the TV on when you’re home, even when you’re not watching? Do you IM, text and/or email constantly? Give yourself a 10.

    Or, at the other end of the spectrum, do you rarely talk on the phone other than for business? Do your parents have to call you because you don’t think of calling them? Would you prefer to get an email over talking on the phone? Is your home silent, or with just instrumental music in the background and the TV rarely on? Are you more likely to read or work in a deserted place, rather than in a public spot with people around?

    You could think I’m describing introverts and extroverts. But take a look at these definitions:

    • Introvert: a shy, reticent, and typically self-centered person; a person predominantly concerned with their own thoughts and feelings rather than with external things.
    • Extrovert: an outgoing, overtly expressive person; a person predominantly concerned with external things or objective considerations.

    I see these as different from the need for affiliation. You could be an extrovert — the life of the party — when you are at a party, but not have a strong need to be at a lot of parties. Or you could like to talk on the phone and be around other people without being gregarious, a common description of extroverts.

    The point is to be conscious of your need for affiliation and sensitive to his. Mark where you are most comfortable on the Affiliation Continuum between 1 and 10. Place a mark where you think your guy falls. See if you’re a long way apart. If so, then discuss it.

    For example, if he’s a once-a-day-contact guy and you are a multiple-contact gal, then ask if it bothers him that you contact him a few times a day. If he says no, then also say you are perfectly OK with his saying he’ll get back to you later if it isn’t a good time. The key is to be sensitive to what’s driving your behavior, as well as his needs, and try not to be judgmental about his.

    But that’s the key to so much in having a healthy relationship, isn’t it?

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  • R-E-S-P-E-C-T

    Aretha FranklinOtis Redding wrote it.

    Aretha Franklin belted it.

    The song says all the writer/singer wants is respect from his/her partner. Just a little respect.

    Have you ever felt someone you were dating for a while didn’t respect you? Maybe he chastised you, second guessed you or told you your actions or decisions were wrong?

    Or have you noticed your own lack of respect in the man? He acted in ways you thought were juvenile, or made decisions you felt weren’t thought through? You may have kept these observations to yourself or you may have said something. Even if you thought you were keeping it to yourself, I can guarantee the disrespect seeped out.

    You may be saying, “Respect is a deal breaker. Why bother even mentioning it?”

    Because some of us were raised in environments with little respect. Disrespect was the norm. So if we give or receive disrespect, we think that is how relationships are supposed to be.

    I’ve been on both sides. I’m not proud to admit I haven’t always hidden it if someone I’ve been dating for a while does something I think is immature. Of course, the outcome is predictably bad. It can — and usually does — cause a chasm in the relationship.

    Respect is critical for a healthy relationship to work. Not that we don’t all periodically do things that are not fully thought through, or naive or even, in retrospect, foolish. But to have this pointed out by the person we’re wanting most to impress is not a good thing. Not at all. When we discover our folly, there is usually enough self-flagellation that no one else needs to remind us of our stupidity.

    And if we don’t think what we said/did/decided is dumb, we really don’t want to hear that the other thought it was. We feel disrespected. Which no one wants to feel.

    If you can talk about this feeling of disrespect calmly and rationally with your guy, great. It is hard to do without one or both of you getting defensive. The person showing disrespect feels justified, and the person who said/did what caused the reaction feels justified.

    dinner bellBut it is important to note when you have feelings of being disrespected by the man you’re seeing, as well as when you feel he’s made a dumb decision. The more frequently either of these occur, the more the bells should be going off in your head — and not the sweet chime of a dainty dinner bell. These are fire station alarms clanging warning you to wake up and get out of the building (AKA relationship)!

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  • Try a heart share

    A common complaint from women is they can’t get their guy to open up — to share his innermost thoughts, fears, and dreams. This is difficult to do for many people, women as well as men.

    During my marriage, I learned a technique that made it easier to be vulnerable and talk about things that you might not normally discuss. We learned it from our relationship counselor, a gifted woman named Sonika Tinker, MSW.

    Before I share the technique, let me tell you why we went to Sonika. When we were first married, we’d plan quarterly relationship retreats for ourselves. Since we were both seminar leaders, it was fun sharing the design of a special workshop just for us. After a while, we realized it was hard to be designer, facilitator and participant, so we sought someone else to lead us. That’s when we found Sonika. We set up quarterly meetings with her to work on deepening our relationship and work out any kinks that we weren’t comfortable bringing up on our own. I likened our relationship to a high performing car needing frequent tune ups to continue to run well. (As you know, I was delusional about lots of things in my marriage!)

    heart shareSonika suggested we do what she dubbed “heart shares” at least once a week, right before lights out when we were still lucid enough to be fully present. So not lying in bed before drifting to sleep. But going to bed half-hour early, lighting some candles and snuggling. A heart share isn’t reporting what happened during the day, or what you have coming up tomorrow. It has nothing to do with tasks.

    Instead, it is being vulnerable to your partner, sharing concerns you have about your life, health, or loved one(s). Or it could be sharing a dream for the future in a way that in another setting you may withhold because you’re concerned your partner may think it’s silly or be threatened (if it’s a direction different than you know s/he wants to go).

    The key when you are listening to a heart share is to really work at active listening. You’re saying, “Shouldn’t you do that all the time?” But we don’t when we’re talking about the mundane logistics of life. So when you’re listening to your partner, work to listen without interrupting, breathe in tandem, show you’re listening, not redirect the conversation to what you want, or object to what’s being said. If he raises a doubt or concern, you can say, “I can understand how you might feel that way,” but you aren’t — at that moment — to tell him why his perception is wrong.

    Each person gets 10-15 minutes. When it feels one is winding up, the listener says, “Is there anything else?” You want the other to feel complete. Then you switch.

    When both of you are done, you may want to go back and say, “Wow. I never realized you had a dream of being a citizen of the world. Have you thought of how we could make that happen, even on a small scale at first?” Or, “I understand your feelings of inadequacy about creating a loving committed relationship since your ex cheated on you.” You’re not problem solving here. You’re just showing you listened, and wanting more information if needed.

    Heart shares don’t have to wait until a couple is in a committed relationship. They can happen when you feel safe and connected enough to allow yourself to be vulnerable without fear of being chastised or ridiculed. At first they may seem awkward. But if both of you want to have a deeper emotional connection, you can introduce this topic and approach the first few as practice, knowing that you will have some kinks to work out.

    If you’re willing to try a heart share, tell us what happened afterward.

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  • My phone’s not ringing. Is that you not calling?

    phoneMy pal Manslations blog writer Jeff Mac wrote about how to get a man you’re seeing to call you instead of just texting, IMing and emailing. He had some good wisdom about how we often think the other has the same preferences as us, so we don’t think of doing anything differently.

    Jeff wisely suggests being honest (honesty — what a concept!) about your desire to talk on the phone. He said to try, “I notice that you don’t seem to be into making phone contact.”

    He linked to my posting “Do you both have the same dating rhythm?” (thanks Jeff!), so I felt compelled to comment. Here’s what I shared:

    My only tweak would be instead of “I notice that you don’t seem to be into making phone contact” I’d say something like “I notice we don’t talk on the phone. I like chatting live periodically. Would it be ok with you if we talked on the phone every few days?”

    The reason for the suggestion is the “I notice that you…” puts the onus on him — that it’s his responsibility for calling. And it hints at blame that he hasn’t called. I hate it when someone says “I haven’t heard from you in a while.” What — are your fingers broken? You can’t make the call if you want to talk?

    In any communication, whether in dating, work, or personal life, your word choice speaks volumes. A little word like “you” can be inclusive and persuasive or blaming and repelling. When you want someone to grant your request, be conscious of your word choice and work to eliminate words that could be interpreted the opposite of your intention.

    And I’m sure you know this, but perhaps it will serve as a reminder: Use “I” messages whenever possible. “I’d like to talk on the phone more often,” or “I love it when you call,” rather than “I’d like you to call me,” or worse, “You never call.” The latter are more likely to be off putting.

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  • Acknowledge the good stuff

    In May, I wrote about my friend Mike Robbins’ work using appreciation to deepen relationships at work and home. (See “The power of appreciation in dating.”)

    The Power of Appreciation

    His book, Focus on the Good Stuff: The Power of Appreciation, is finally published, and he’s doing a special drive to get on Amazon’s bestseller list tomorrow. If you buy it Aug. 28 (at a new-release discount), you will receive hundreds of dollars of free bonus products from authors and speakers like Jack Canfield, Marianne Williamson, Jeffrey Gitomer, many others. Learn the details on how to get the bonus materials.

    The book shows you how you can dramatically enhance the quality of your life and relationships by focusing on what you’re grateful for, who you appreciate, and all the good stuff around you. Mike teaches simple yet effective ways to utilize the power of appreciation — leading to greater success and fulfillment. This book is filled with action items, ideas, and practices that help you bring more appreciation into your life, thus giving you a deep sense of peace, satisfaction, and gratitude. It is endorsed by Jack Canfield, Marianne Williamson, Rev. Michael Beckwith, and many others. The foreword was written by Richard Carlson, author of Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff.

    Here’s a recap of Mike’s formula for giving great compliments, something we can apply to those we want to continue to date, as well as others in our lives.

    Mike RobbinsOne of the best things we can do to support, empower, and inspire the people in our lives is to let them know what we appreciate about them. However, for some of us complimenting and acknowledging people can be challenging for a number of reasons -– we’re busy, we take others for granted, we focus on the things about them that we don’t like, we worry about what they’ll think, or we feel uncomfortable expressing our appreciation.

    Here are some specific tips for how to give great compliments:

    1. Be genuine — speak from your heart, say what you mean and mean what you say.

    2. Be specific — let them know exactly what you appreciate about them (the quality or action) and why

    3. Share how they impact you in a positive way — people can’t argue with our experience, so when we let them know what they’ve done and how it has impacted us, it gets through the “gate keeper” that most people have for deflecting compliments.

    4. Give without attachment — don’t expect anything in return.

    5. Make sure they accept your compliment — don’t let them deflect, disagree, or blow off your acknowledgement.

    As we enhance our skill and ability with acknowledging others, we become a powerful force of love and appreciation. Giving great compliments is something we all can do to increase the level of love and connection we experience with the people in our lives. And, it’s fun!

    See how you can use these tips with the person you are dating.

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  • Does he treat you like his ex?

    The question is really, “Does the guy you’re dating treat you like he treated his ex wife?” Not the way he currently treats his ex wife, as he could treat her better or worse than when they were together. But does he behave the way he did when they were together?

    Let me give you an example. I was wooed by a man who lives 400 miles away. He called me every day for 4 months before we met. Finally, he flew to meet me and got a hotel room for the weekend. We enjoyed a variety of activities that weekend as we got to know each other face to face.

    TVSeveral weeks later I needed to be in his city for business, so he invited me to stay with him afterward. Now on his turf, I saw he went about his activities as if I wasn’t really there. He turned on the TV and watched it as we had drinks and he cooked dinner. It stayed on the rest of the evening. So much for talking and getting to know each other. It was still on when I plodded off to the guest room, as he used it to put himself to sleep. It kept me awake.

    The next day he preferred to watch TV than to accept my invitation for a walk. When I arrived back at his condo, he was engrossed in a sports event so wasn’t interested when I suggested going out for a movie.

    I surmised that this is not only what he does when he is alone, but most likely what he did when he was married. His wife was not someone with whom he had much desire to interact, unless it was about their college-aged son. They ignored each other unless she insisted they talk about something. Based on what he told me, they mostly went their separate ways unless a dinner with friends required their joint presence.

    This was how he thought relationships should be, so he treated his dates like this too. I was not someone with whom he was interested in getting to know. Just someone to have around at his convenience.

    So if a guy treats you in a way you consider odd, ask yourself if it could be that this is how he treated his ex. Some men don’t learn to think about how the woman he’s dating would like to be treated. He treats her the same as his ex. The guy in the example wasn’t unintelligent, he was just not astute.

    And examine your own behavior as well. Do you tend to treat your suitors similarly to how you treated your ex? I know I have. It takes awareness to craft how to get along with each man independently, rather than lumping them all into the “what men like” basket.

    What have you observed about how you might habitually treat your dates similarly to how you treated your ex? And how have you broken yourself of that habit?

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  • Favors during dating — good or bad idea?

    “Women grow attached to men through the favors they grant them; but men, through the same favors, are cured of their love.” —Jean de la Bruyere

    This quote made me examine my attitude about favors, as hopefully it will you, too.

    Women: do you grow fond of men by the things they do for you? Holding doors, taking you out, doing small chores around your home? I know I do. When a man goes out of his way to do things for me, it makes me feel closer to him. Some men seem to revel in doing “boyfriend jobs,” often without asking, and especially if they are acknowledged for it.

    I never thought that men may react unfavorably to my doing favors for them. I did a lot of favors for my ex … hmmm, maybe that’s part of why he’s my ex!

    But men I’ve dated seemed to appreciate when I cooked them a meal, or did little things for them. But then, none of them are around anymore, so maybe they were “cured of their love.” I find it hard to imagine that men don’t like their women doing nice things for them, but I can also see that they could feel smothered or that the woman appears too needy.

    What do you think about giving and receiving favors to/from the person you’re dating? Is this another example of Mars/Venus where men and women react differently? I’m interested in both men’s and women’s thoughts on this.

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  • In boyfriend you trust?

    A gal pal shared a concern about her boyfriend of two months. “He’s still has a very strong relationship with both his ex-wife and his last girlfriend. He’s been apart from his ex-girlfriend a year after a year-long relationship. And he’s been divorced from his ex-wife three years after a two-year marriage.

    “His ex-girlfriend comes over to his place and bakes cookies for him and his friends, and cat sits in his home while he’s away. He insists that they are just friends now, but their closeness bothers me.”

    “Do you trust him?” I ask.

    “Yes.”

    “Then what’s the problem?”

    “I’m uncomfortable since my last boyfriend insisted he was over his last girlfriend, then he left me to go back with her.”

    Aha. She doesn’t trust that this new one won’t do what her ex-beau did to her. She’s projecting her insecurities onto her new man. She knows this is her issue and she doesn’t want to be one of those controlling, paranoid women who kills a good relationship because of her issues. But she can’t seem to shake this feeling of unrest.

    “If he really cared about me, he’d honor my discomfort with his closeness to these past relationships and cut back on his contact with them,” she said.

    “Or, you could work on your trust issues and be happy that he left these relationships with such good will that he’s able to maintain friendships. Many people leave relationships with bitterness and resentment on one or both sides. It says a lot about him that he’s able to maintain good relations with these former love interests.

    “Can you believe him when he says he’s over them and has no desire to be with either of them again? If you aren’t able work through your trust issues, you’ll have a hard time with this in any relationship.”

    One of my past beaus was so friendly with his ex-wife they exchanged dating stories and advice. I’ve maintained friendships with several of my former sweeties. My ex-husband was so cordial with his first wife she once came and stayed with us for a week, and she and I spent the day together shopping. So keeping a good relationship with an ex can be done. And I understand that it can sometimes evolve into a reconciliation.

    Trust is basic to a relationship. If you don’t see any signs that he is lying yet you still don’t trust him, you’ll poison the bond. No one wants to be around someone who is questioning your word.

    Have you been in a situation like this where your sweetie was still friendly with his ex? If so, how did you handle it if you had any concerns?

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  • Signs of manipulation

    DG reader Bigi asked me to address the topic of manipulation. Specifically, how to tell if a man is trying to manipulate you. She says, “I am so gullible and really want to trust so I tend to trust the wrong fellows because I just don’t realize how I have been manipulated.”

    While some of us might think this is common sense, I’ve found that common sense can quickly fly out the window in affairs of the heart.

    The dictionary defines manipulate as “Control or influence (a person or situation) cleverly, unfairly, or unscrupulously.” It is anytime someone tries to coerce you to do something you don’t immediately want to do. However, it goes beyond persuasion, as manipulation is when you’ve said you don’t want to do something and they don’t let up.

    And for the record, woman manipulate, too.

    What are the signs?

    • He doesn’t honor your boundaries. For example, you’re kissing. You’re enjoying it. He moves his hand to a place you don’t want it. You tell him, “I’m not ready to go there” and move his hand to a place that’s okay for you. A few minutes later, he moves it back to where he wants. When you move it again, he says, “I won’t go any further” and goes back to where he wanted it. He’s manipulating you by discounting your comfort and boundary.
    • He asks you to do something you feel is unethical or dishonest. When you object, he chastises you. When I was dating the psychiatrist, he wanted me to register in person as him for a medical education session so he could get the credit but not have to attend. I refused. He argued. I didn’t budge.
    • laundry dayHe uses affection to coerce you. He wants you to do something you don’t want to do. He puts his laundry in your hamper. When you protest that you don’t want to be doing his laundry, he sidles up next to you, hugs you the way he knows you love and starts kissing your face. “Oh, sweetie, you are such a wonderful woman I didn’t think you’d mind doing my little laundry with yours. After all, then our clothes can intertwine, just like we do!”
    • He bullies you. If you say “no,” he chides you with, “What are you a prude?” Or threatens you, “If we don’t have sex the next time we’re together, I’m history.”
    • He blames you for his not honoring his agreements. He promised to take you to the movies. He gets engaged in the game on TV. You tell him it’s time to go, he says, “Just 10 more minutes. We’ll still make it.” Ten turns into 20. If you say something, you’re a nag. If you don’t, you miss the movie beginning. He’s put you in a double bind — you lose if you say something as well as if you don’t. If you miss the movie, he blames you by saying “You should have said something.” How about he should have honored his agreement?
    • He uses guilt to finagle. He wants sex. You have a stomach ache. He says, “We never have sex. You always have some excuse. I think you don’t love me anymore.”
    • He tries to buy his way. “If you attend this wedding as my date, I’ll give you $500 for a new dress to wear.” (This actually happened to a friend of mine who met a man online who was so desperate for a date to a friend’s wedding, he offered her this bribe.)

    The bottom line is it’s easy to see these as manipulation when you’re not in a romance with the person. However, when you are, your clear vision can get cloudy. Hopefully this list will help you be more conscious if any of these happen to you.

    What else can you list as ways people manipulate each other? Have you ever manipulated someone? If so, why?

    Big media day

    Yesterday the Wall Street Journal article interviewing me appeared. I’ve put the excerpt in “Wall Street Journal” page to the left.

    Also, Greg Yorke, co-publisher of LifeTwo.com, interviewed me for two podcasts. Click here to listen.

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