Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Category: Real deal or faux beau

  • Boyfriend points

    How does a man earn “boyfriend points” with you? Does he get points when he calls, takes you out, says nice things, brings you flowers? How about opens the door, helps with your coat, takes you to your favorite restaurant, compliments you, plans fun activities? Or acts with integrity, is kind to strangers, pets dogs and cats, and makes you laugh?

    In “What’s your date’s score on the Delight/Disappointment Scale?” I shared how to track how you felt after and in between dates with a guy. However, we didn’t track individual acts. We also explored this concept a bit in “Tracking your date’s score” but again didn’t assign specific point values. Boyfriend points are in the same ball park, but slightly different.

    John Gray says that a man gets points for each thoughtful thing he does for his woman. He says that instead of bringing his wife a dozen roses, he brings her one at a time over a series of days. Then he gets points for each act, whether it’s one rose or a dozen. It’s John’s opinion that a man gets a point, in essence, for each demonstration that he was thinking of his woman and wanted to do something that pleased her.

    My sweetie likes to gather boyfriend points. He doesn’t ask what an individual act earns, but mentions that he wants to earn as many boyfriend points as possible. If he does something that he thinks I won’t like, he asks if he’s lost points. He never has.

    Interestingly, if a man has banked enough points, the minor challenges don’t really affect the bank account. He has earned grace with his steady thoughtfulness, kindness, and demeanor. So on the Delight/Disappointment Scale there would be a straight line, not a dip, even though the act wasn’t a positive one. So if he occasionally walks in front of you, goes through the door first, doesn’t help you with your coat, it’s no big deal, as he nearly always does. No loss of points since it’s a rarity

    I haven’t figured out how many points are earned by what acts. I know what behaviors I like, so they get points, but all acts don’t earn the same number of points. Maybe collectively we DG readers need to come up with a point guide so guys will know what will earn and cost them points, as well as how many. So, for example, if he’s 20 minutes late and doesn’t call, that costs him 10 points. But bringing you flowers earns him 20 points, so he’s made up for it. Of course, we’d all have different point assignments since we all value an act differently. But we could come up with a list and suggested point values, then each woman could adjust it based on her preferences.

    What are some acts that earn points in your book, and how many points would you assign specific acts? I’d be curious to see what other women value and how much. And of course, the guys could come up with their own version.

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  • Meet the … kids!

    meet the parentsThe film “Meet the Parents” showed how nerve wracking it can be to meet your sweetie’s parents. Well, how about when you meet his kids? That can be similarly unnerving, since if they don’t like you it can strain the relationship.

    I had the opportunity to meet my beau’s kids this week. At least two of the three of them. And while there was a little apprehension, it went fine. Here are some things I suggest if you expect to meet his kids. (Since I don’t have kids, I can’t give you any suggestions for when he will meet yours.)

    • Make sure he knows the impact his comments about you can make to influence the kids’ feelings toward you. He should be judicious — perhaps even guarded — about what he tells them about you. Of course, some of this has to do with their age, as younger kids may feel more threatened about you than older ones. And if his separation/divorce is recent, they may harbor hope that their parents will still reconcile, so will resent you getting in the way.
    • Ask him about their interests so you can ask relevant questions. It helps break the ice if you can engage them about things that are important to them.
    • Make sure he doesn’t discuss your opinion of any challenges he faces with their behavior. That is between you and him. The kid may think you are trying to parent him/her, and if you are only dating it is too soon to step into this role.
    • Bring a small gift you know s/he would enjoy on the first meeting. A book on a topic of interest, some favorite treat, a toy, etc. Nothing elaborate or it may feel like you’re trying to buy the kid’s affections.
    • Avoid saying anything derogatory about your guy in front of the kid. Don’t put Dad down even if you are kidding. It is okay to play around, but some children may take it out of context and feel you are putting down their beloved dad. Not a good way to start.
    • Talk to your guy about doing something the kid(s) would like on a first outing. So don’t go out to a white-tablecloth restaurant if the kid would rather go to Chilis. The first meeting should be as comfortable as possible for the child, no matter how old.

    What have you found works when you meet your guy’s kids for the first time?

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  • Do you love how he loves you?

    Do you know how you want to be loved? What if a man loves you, but not quite the way you want to be loved? Will you stick with him, thinking that you can teach him how you want to be loved? Has that worked?

    I’ve been fortunate enough in my 2.5 years of dating to have a few men fall for me. While I was fond of them and loved elements of each one, I was not in love. As that old adage goes, “Love is not enough.” We know that can mean lots of things, but let’s take just one element — being loved is not enough. You have to feel loved —  loved in a way that feels like love to you. How someone expresses his love for you may not feel like love to you. I know, this seems convoluted.

    Let me elaborate.

    Early on in my marriage, my then-hubby and I would design a quarterly relationship retreat — just him and me. We’d drive to a hotel for the weekend and part of the activities included working on our relationship. (Too bad we didn’t keep up this practice for the next 20 years!) One of the most memorable exercises was this simple one. We each silently wrote our responses to these two questions:

    1. Here’s what I do that I believe shows my love for you
    2. Here’s what you do that I feel shows your love for me

    After writing our responses, we shared. The answers were astonishing to each of us.

    vodka and tonicMy answer to question 1 included:

    • I take care of our bill paying
    • I prepare home-cooked meals that I know you like
    • I have your vodka and tonic chilled and waiting for you when you arrive home

    It turns out none of these things — and many of the others I listed — were significant to him. So I was busting my tush to go out of my way to do these things to show him I loved him, and they didn’t show up as love at all to him!

    On his list of how he felt I showed him I loved him was one I would have never guessed:

    You come out of your office and give me a hug soon after I announce I’m home.

    I worked from home, so I was often in my office when he arrived home. I’d just call out “hello” in response to his “I’m home.” It turned out that he wanted a physical connection — a hug and kiss — when he arrived home. He was a kinesthetic type and touch was very important to him to feel connected. When I learned this, I nearly always made sure to hug him hello. If I was on the phone when he came in and forgot to hug him, we noticed we were more on edge with each other that evening.

    proteaWhen he learned that his periodic gift of flowers felt like love to me, he increased his frequency. He also asked about my favorite flowers, and began to select dual-toned, unusual ones, rather than just daisies, carnations and red roses. I was feeling more loved as he was going out of his way to learn what I liked and give it to me.

    This exercise taught us to talk about what the other did that felt like love. And it allowed us to see if what we were doing was showing up as an expression of love to the other. And when it didn’t, we could ditch it or do it if we wanted, but not to expect the other would feel warm and tingly because of it. It also headed off those resentful arguments, like, “But I spend hours fixing dinner for you each night” when the other would just as soon open a can of soup or have take out.

    It would be great if the guy you’re dating intuitively knew how you like to be loved, but the recipe for each person is different. For some women, regular calls, sweet emails, occasional flowers and cards signify love. For others, none of that is important. The key is to know what exemplifies love to you, and be willing to do the exercise above when you’ve been dating a guy for a while. You will both clarify how to show the other you care, and refine your love strategies.

    And of course, be appreciative of whatever he does to show his fondness toward you. Also, both parties need to be open to refinements.

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  • “I don’t want a whipped boyfriend”

    whipped creamThese words were uttered by my neighbor’s 16-year-old daughter as we were discussing dating. The three of us were sharing the nice things men we dated had done for us when she blurted this out. I was surprised, as I didn’t think any of the examples we shared would be considered signs of a man being whipped.

    “What’s your definition of ‘whipped’?” I asked.

    “A guy who won’t make a decision on his own. Who always gives in to the girl. My sister’s boyfriend is like that. I don’t like it.”

    “I don’t blame you.”

    “When a guy won’t stand up to his girlfriend, he’s whipped. I want a guy who has his own opinions and thinks for himself, not always looking to me.”

    “I agree with you. While compromise is important for both people, you have to start with you both having your own opinion. However, sometimes I find I don’t have a strong preference, so I’m willing to acquiesce, and sometimes it’s he who doesn’t feel strongly so capitulates to my way.”

    She got me thinking about the difference between whipped, wussy, amiable, and compromising. Some feel these are all pretty close on the amicable to combative continuum. While I like to hang out with someone who’s agreeable, if he doesn’t make his preferences known or doesn’t disagree about anything, then I feel I am railroading him. I can be the “team leader” and make decisions for both of us, but frankly it is a lot of work and I prefer to share the load.

    Where do you like your man to be on the continuum? Do you like men more on the milk toast end of the spectrum or more toward dominant? Or where in between?

    And where would you place yourself on this continuum? On the submissive end or the domineering end? Not in an S & M sort of way, but just in how you live your life. And maybe you’re different in your personal life than in your professional life. It’s important to know so you can find a match who compliments you.

    I dated a man briefly who told me he wanted a woman who would surrender to him. He said, “I don’t want her to be submissive, but to surrender.” When I asked him to explain the difference, he said, “I want a woman who will do what I want no matter if she wants to or not.” I said, “That sounds like submissive to me.” He also said if we were with other people I was not ever to disagree with anything he said. I wondered if he could spell “control.” Needless to say, that does not describe what I was looking for, so we soon parted ways.

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  • Falling in …????

    question mark 2You’ve begun to date a guy you like. Each encounter makes you like him more. He’s funny, thoughtful, smart, romantic. He cares about making you happy. He’s not self-absorbed. He sends you sweet, caring emails and gives you sincere compliments. You find yourself falling in…??? What? What is this?

    Like? Are you falling in like? You definitely like him. But it sounds so platonic. So high school. So insufficient for your affection toward him. But yet you know that it is important — nay, critical — to like someone with whom you want to spend more time. In fact, there may be people in your life (e.g., relatives) who you love but don’t really like. You don’t relish spending time with them. But you know they love you and you love them.

    Are you falling in fond? This is not a term we hear. But you are definitely fond of him. You grow fonder all the time. He hasn’t dipped into the disappointment side of the Delight/Disappointment Scale — or at least rarely. He’s brought you flowers, showered you with affection, and an appropriate amount of calls and emails to tell you he cares about you and misses you. He takes you on fun outings and always seems happy to talk and be with you.

    Or is it lust? Maybe he has heavenly kisses, delicious caresses, and even holding hands gives you goose bumps. You are definitely hot for each other. Maybe you have — or haven’t — slept together, but either way there is definitely sexual appeal. Maybe you’ve fallen in lust. (See “Falling in lust.”)

    EskimoOr are you falling in love? Love is such a nebulous term. I wish there were as many words to describe the gradations of fondness, adoration and endearment as there were Inuit/Eskimo* words for snow. Yes, you love him — you love the way he makes you laugh, his tenderness, his willingness to talk about important things, his awareness when he’s done something wrong, his insatiable appetite for self-improvement — and dark chocolate. You love many things about him. So are you in love?

    Whatever you call it, you’re enjoying it. So continue to bask in it and see if you can avoid labeling it as long as possible. There are some drawbacks to labels.

    A downside to labeling it “falling in love” too soon is that you may not really know the person yet. After a few dates, I was obviously acting love struck when a guy asked, “Are you falling in love with me?” I was surprised by the question, and uttered, “I’m moving in that direction.” It was folly as I barely knew him. I liked how he’d treated me so far, but after a few more dates I discovered a mean streak that hadn’t surfaced. I’d let myself think I was falling for a guy I hardly knew.

    Another possible downside is you may feel embarrassed a few weeks later when you have to explain to your friends why you’re no longer together. They may ask, “I thought you were in love?” To which you may have to respond, “I thought I was, too.” Your judgment will be questioned and the next time you declare yourself in love they will roll their eyes.

    Or maybe it will be scary for him if you tell him you’re falling in love and he’ll back off. Some men get afraid that you are expecting a commitment if you tell them you’re falling in love. You will only see a flash as he mumbles, “Exit, stage left.”

    So wait a little while before you declare you are in love, and instead be happy to be in like, fond, or even lust.

    * From Webster’s dictionary: “Inuit are those inhabiting the regions from northwestern Canada to western Greenland who speak Inuit languages and call themselves Inuit (not Eskimo). Inuit is also used in the U.S. as a general synonym for Eskimo. This, however, is inaccurate because there are no Inuit in Alaska and Inuit therefore cannot include people from Alaska (who speak Inupiaq).”

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  • Is he a “soft place to fall”?

    Dr PhilDr. Phil uses the term “a soft place to fall” to express a safe space to be vulnerable. He frequently asks troubled couples if they each provide a soft place to fall for the other.

    When you’ve dated a guy for a little while, do you feel you can be vulnerable with him, admitting your fears and doubts? Sharing your setbacks and disappointments in yourself, your job, your life?

    Or do you feel you need to be guarded, never letting on that your life is anything less than optimal, lest he think you are a mess and dump you fearing he’ll have to straighten it out? While some men relish the opportunity to be the White Knight, even seeking out women who regularly need a lot of help, others bail at the first sign of anything amiss.

    Nobody has a trouble-free life. No matter how rosy, I bet there are aspects of your life that aren’t perfect, or could at least be improved. Maybe it’s something closeted, that he’d never know about if you didn’t tell him. Perhaps it’s a strained relationship with a family member, or a financial setback, or a chronic minor health challenge.

    soft place to fallI don’t recommend revealing these in the first few dates. But after you’ve been with the guy a few times and begun to trust him and get closer, are you comfortable disclosing these hitches? If not, ask yourself why. Is it that he gets upset hearing your challenges? Or he immediately tries to fix the problem, rather than just listening to you? Or he responds by telling you that you “shouldn’t feel that way,” or it was “stupid to get yourself in that situation,” or “Here’s what you should do….” This is not a soft place to fall.

    Let him know what you need: “I want to share something I’m not proud of, but I think you should know. You may be tempted to try to help me brainstorm a solution, but right now I’d really like you to just listen and hold me. After I’ve shared my thoughts, I’ll tell you when — and if — I’m ready for us to go into problem-solving mode.” If he ignores you, remind him of your request. He may not have had anyone be this clear on what she wanted and he doesn’t have any muscle built up on how to just listen.

    And ask yourself if you are a “soft place to fall” for him. Many men don’t like to be vulnerable, so if he shares something that he’s not proud of, be gentle with him. Acknowledge the courage it took to admit this to you and allow him to share without your problem solving or being judgmental. Ask him what he’d like from you right now to feel supported. If the wound is deep, he may start crying, which is very hard for many man to let a woman see. Especially a woman he’s interested in romantically.

    So work on your “soft landing” skills, and allow him to work on his as well. These are muscles some of us don’t use a lot, so the first few landings may be a bit bumpy, but stick with it!

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  • Do your activity preferences match your guy’s?

    Are you clear on how much you like to weekly participate in activities with a sweetie? How much alone time do you want/need? How much time do you want weekly/monthly to spend with your friends and/or family without him? And when you’re with your guy, optimally how many times a week do you want to do something out, versus at home?

    Many online dating personality assessments ask your activity preferences. An example:

    Do you prefer to go out
    1) Once per week
    2) 2x/week
    3) 3-4x/week
    4) Every night is party night

    Other questions focus on specific physical activities. I’ve deleted guys’ profiles based on their saying they spend all their free time running marathons, climbing mountains, SCUBA, mountain biking, back-country skiing, working out and playing team sports. I get tired just reading about all this physical activity! While I’m not a slug, I’m also not an iron woman.

    When you’re beginning to date someone, one of the first questions to ask is “What do you like to do for fun?” Of course, what one likes to do is often different than what you actually do. Men have told me they like to go to live theater, concerts, fine dining, wine tasting, dancing, first-run movies, lectures, comedy clubs, etc. However, when dating them, their idea of a “date” is to rent a DVD and get take out. Or occasionally dinner out and a movie. That’s it. I’ve been flummoxed at why a guy doesn’t make any effort to arrange for us to do what he says he likes to do.

    One of my frustrations of being single is not having a ready-made activity partner. My friends are available for some activities, but most are coupled so have limited time to spend with buddies. I see first-run flicks once in a while with some gal pals. I like to see the world, try new things, re-experience old favorites, and I prefer to do those activities with friends, ideally a sweetie. Yes, there are organized activity groups, dance classes, ranger-led wildflower hikes, and other classes or singles-focused events. An experience is richer to me when I can discuss it with someone during and/or afterwards to share each others perspectives and insights.

    Imagine my delight to find my sweetie likes to do — and initiates — fun stuff! In our 7 days together (he’s visited 3 times from out of state) over the last month we’ve:

    • Picnicked and walked on the beach (twice, different beaches)
    • Went square dancinghiking
    • Visited a blues club
    • Taken a hike in a nearby regional park, along with a picnic
    • Dined at a Japanese restaurant
    • Played tourist in a nearby city
    • Breakfasted out
    • Walked in my neighborhood
    • Cooked dinner together
    • Viewed an indy flick at the local film festival
    • And yes, snuggled on the coach in front of a fire and watched a DVD

    And we also just kicked back, took naps and relaxed.

    Soon I’ll visit him in for a week and he’s already planned:

    • Visiting one of my friends for a horseback ride and dinner
    • Attending his professional awards banquet and gala
    • Hikingtulips
    • Viewing the local tulip festival
    • Listening to a favorite local blues musician at a club
    • Dining with his friends and his kids
    • Watching a friend do his act at a comedy club
    • Overnighting at his favorite beach inn

    And he’ll be working 4 days during the week I’m there! If we lived in the same town, we would not try to cram so much in. But we like to make maximum use of our together time. So right now my activity needs are being met, both for frequency and variety, and with a fun, loving partner.

    Does this sound like too much “doing” to you? Too little? Do you like variety, routine, or a mix?

    When you know your activity frequency and variety desires, communicate them to your guy early on and see if you have similar wants. If he agrees with your preferences, yet doesn’t want to participate in ideas you offer, nor take initiative to do anything interesting, discuss the disconnect and see if he’s willing to step up — and out — a bit more.

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  • Having a SNORgasbord with your sweetie

    You’ve been dating the same guy for a while. You’ve decided it is time to have a sleepover. You follow the rules set forth in “Sleepover do’s and don’ts.”

    You’re snuggled in his arms, loving the closeness. You begin to drift to slumberland until … he starts snoring in your ear. And not just a sweet littlefoghorn muffled snorting or grunting. But a full-bore snore — the sound of a freight train running through your bedroom, or a foghorn warning the ships to stay at bay — even though you live in Kansas. Maybe he has sleep apnea, which can not only be dangerous, but Mac-truck loud as he begins to breathe again after a temporary cessation.

    Two of my beaus had such deafening snoring I slept on the couch in other parts of the house to get away from the cacophonous noise. Even with ear plugs, I could still hear them! Once at a hotel, there was nowhere to escape. I was a hair’s breadth away from dragging a blanket and pillow to the walk-in closet to sleep — until I realized it was only 20-feet away and wouldn’t make much difference.

    geeseMaybe you’re the snorter, emitting a short guttural sound with each breath. Or perhaps your sound is like a very large — and loud — gaggle of geese honking overhead.

    If only one of you snores, it can cause unrest (bad pun, I know). How can you have a snugglefest with your sweetie if you can’t sleep in the same room? Do you develop a routine of cuddling then retreat to the guest room or couch for sleep?

    If both of you snore, however, it is a snorgasbord! As long as one of you doesn’t awaken the other with your nocturnal racket, you can both enjoy snuggling while snoring.

    Breathe RightAccording to Breathe Right, “Snoring affects 50 million — more than half — of all U.S. households.” They make the newest version of what I consider a “marital aid.” No, not the kind that has been around for centuries. I’m talking about nasal strips.

    I’ve asked snoring sleep partners to use these and they nearly always significantly reduced the frequency and volume of the braying. I consider them relationship life savers, along with comfortable ear plugs and breath mints.

    Breathe Right even has a Snore-O-Meter that let’s you listen to four kinds of snorers. Great! Like I haven’t heard enough snoring to last a lifetime?

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  • What melts your heart?

    heart meltingWe all dream of someone who melts our heart. And when he does or says those liquefying actions or words, his flaws seem to dim. We are drawn to him more. We feel ourselves rising a bit more towards love.

    What are not just things you like, but things that make your heart soften? Are there phrases you know make your knees weak when you hear them? Are there actions that are just so loving that you are then putty in his hands? I know certain actions make me swoon, then there are others that I don’t know get me giddy until I hear or experience them.

    To help you get started on your list, here are some examples of what my sweetie has written in emails that has left me in a puddle, starting with ones before we met and going up til today:

    • “I’ve appreciated your sexy way of approaching life. You’ve moved me in a high school crush kind of way.”
    • “You realize I’m falling in e-love with you. I know that’s e-wrong, since we just e-met. I’ll see an e-therapist to stay e-grounded.”
    • “You, my exciting, intelligent, beautiful inside and out, professional, are a wonderful muse. I have been energized by you and, at the risk of quoting another movie, ‘You make me want to be a better man.’”
    • “I just want to make it clear that I am hoping for a very long-term relationship with you.”
    • “I want you to feel warm, safe and cherished.”
    • “I’d like to think I’m going to be able to love you for the rest of time.”
    • “I am in total awe of you and my love for you is oozing out of me in bright thoughts, smiles, and even that stupid laugh I do.”
    • “I’m up … woke up thinking of you and got too excited to sleep.”
    • “You’re a princess and I miss you very much.”
    • “If I were with you I would give you such a long, loving kiss it would take your breath away.”
    • “You know how special you are to me and you ARE a glorious, gorgeous, and generous Goddess. This man is so grateful to God to have found you.”
    • “I may not be there in person, but I’m there in loving, honoring spirit.”
    • “Only 5 days until I get to see you again.”
    • “I’m thinking about you”
    • “I miss you.”
    • “I love you.”

    Share some of the things that get your knees weak.

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  • How to introduce your midlife flame to colleagues?

    My sweetie and I were talking about a function we will be attending with his professional colleagues. He asked, “How shall I introduce you to my associates and co-workers? What shall I call you? I want to tell them of our relationship when I introduce you as my — what?”

    We wanted to use the right word that was not too familiar and not too formal, but also expressed our relationship properly.

    We debated the options. “Girlfriend” seemed a too juvenile for a 51-year-old woman. “Lover” was too explicit. “Main squeeze” too base. “Friend” too distant. “Date” too cold. It was too early in our relationship to be considered his “significant other.” “Sugar,” “sweet baboo,” “lady love” and “honey” all a tad too informal for professional colleagues. We decided “sweetie” or “sweetheart” sounded fine.

    Now, what was I to call him when I introduce him to my circle? “Boyfriend” was out for the same reason “girlfriend” wasn’t right. “Suitor” was fine in writing, but sounded stilted verbally. “Fella” sounded out of date. “Escort” was too remote. “Companion” was a little closer, but without the closeness we feel. “Partner” was pre-mature. “Boy toy” would elicit a laugh, but it is too suggestive for a professional environment. “Swain” and “gentleman caller” were archaic. “Paramour” has a nice ring to it, but the definition is “a lover, especially the illicit partner of a married person.” No, that will not do.

    “Beau” has a nice ring to it, as does the aforementioned “sweetie” or “sweetheart. So I’ll use one of those.

    When you’ve introduced your man to your co-workers or professional colleagues, what adjective did you use? How did you determine what sounded right? Have you ever used a term that your guy didn’t like?

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  • Why men don’t tell you you’re pretty

    Some men tell you they think you are attractive on the first or other early dates. Some will never tell you.

    For two months I dated a man who never said he thought I was attractive. In frustration at his aloofness, one day I said to him, “I don’t even know if you find me attractive.” He said, “I’m pursuing you, aren’t I?” Since I didn’t consider this wealthy man’s once-a-week phone calls and occasional casual, home cooked meals much of a pursuit, I retorted, “Are you?” In other words, he didn’t feel he needed to tell me he was attracted to me or thought I was pretty or sexy. His actions — minimal as they were — should speak for themselves. So I guess he found me minimally attractive. Or he never learned to express himself to a woman in a way that would make her feel good.

    beautiful.jpgUpon sitting down for dinner with another man for a first encounter, he looked at me, paused, and said, “You’re beautiful.” I smiled and said, “Thank you.” That was the last time I heard it for several months. When he uttered it again, I said, “Thank you. That feels good to hear.” He said, “I don’t tell beautiful women they are beautiful.” When I asked, “Why not?” he said, “Beautiful women know they are beautiful and they hear it all the time. It doesn’t mean anything to them because so many people tell them. Average-looking women know they aren’t beautiful, so if you tell them they are, they know you are lying. And women think that someone wants something from them if you compliment their looks. So I find it best to not tell women they are beautiful, pretty or sexy.”

    Can you imagine? Yes, I know you can, but I’m guessing you’re as incredulous as I am about these attitudes.

    So what about those of us who aren’t classically beautiful? Using the last guy’s logic, since he finds you beautiful, you must hear this all the time and have grown weary of hearing it. But if you have the kind of attractiveness that some find pretty and others find average, I bet you don’t feel you hear “You’re very pretty” too many times.

    I think some men hold back telling a woman she is beautiful (or pretty or sexy) because they don’t want to come across as fawning, smarmy, unctuous or gushy. He doesn’t want a woman to think he has fallen for her based only on her looks, so then can be led around by his nose. When some women know a man is ga-ga for her, they use it to manipulate him. It’s happened for eons.

    And of course, men can use these compliments as a “line” to get closer to you. As I discussed in “He had me from ‘You’re gorgeous!’” I was enamored with this guy from the get-go, but his salutation was only part of the enticing package. But alas, his thinking (or at least saying) I was gorgeous was not enough to keep him around after three dates. He went poof.

    Intellectually we know that it only matters that we think we are attractive, and what others think isn’t our concern. But deep down we also like to know that the person we are dating finds us attractive and is able to express that genuinely. Yes, it can be overdone so that you think the man only wants to be with you because of your looks. But if he tells you sincerely and regularly, somehow it makes him more attractive too! And, of course, the more beautiful a person is on the inside, as shown through his thoughtfulness, kindness, caring, respect and attention toward you and others, his outer looks become more appealing. (See “Yummy is as yummy does.”)

    How do you feel when a man tells you sincerely he thinks you’re attractive (beautiful, pretty, sexy)? And what have you done when a man you’ve gone out with for more than a month is stingy in this area?

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