Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Category: First-rate first dates

  • Hello — goodbye: How to say no thanks after meeting

    One of the hardest parts of dating is telling your date that it isn’t a match so you don’t encourage him to pursue you.

    It is easiest to do in an email, but I only recommend this method if you’ve only met once. Start with thanking him for coffee, lunch, whatever. Comment on some of his positive characteristics. Then tell him it’s not a match:

    “Thank you for treating for coffee and our interesting discussion. You certainly know a lot about politics.

    “You are an intelligent, warm, fun gentleman. However, I don’t feel we are a match. The right woman will snap you up soon!”

    Harder is on the phone. I’ve had to do this when a guy calls to set up a second date. It is uncomfortable, but you need to be gentle yet honest — up to a point. Recently, after the guy asked when he could see me again, I said “I appreciate your interest in me, but we’re not a match. You are a nice, fun guy, but I don’t feel we have enough in common to continue seeing each other. And it wouldn’t be fair to you to accept another date knowing that I don’t feel the spark I know needs to be there to develop a relationship.”

    He said he was disappointed, but he understood. He said “So I’ve gained a new friend.” “Exactly,” I replied.

    The hardest way to communicate your lack of interest is in person. I’ve not done this often, but it is definitely uncomfortable. The other day at the end of lunch, my date said, “So what happens next?” He wouldn’t have said this unless he was interested in a second date. “We need to decide if we both want to spend more time together,” I replied. “It’s up to the woman,” he said, “so what do you want to have happen next?” I squirmed. “Since you are new to online dating, I suggest you date some more women,” was the best I could muster. I just couldn’t be blunt and say “I don’t really want to go out again.” While many men appreciate honesty, they also have fragile egos.

    I followed up with a thank you email wishing him well in his dating adventures. That made it clear.

    You don’t need to go into a review of all the things he said or did that were a turn off: How he used his finger for a pusher on his plate rather than a knife, interrupted you a lot, rarely asked anything about you, picked up his lamb chops with his fingers to eat them, or showed up at the nice restaurant in sweats. No, most men don’t want to know that kind of detail. And what may have been annoying to you may not be to the next woman.

    Strive to be kind, gentle, and to allow him to keep his dignity. I always appreciate it when a guy does that to me.

  • Is that you? Pictures are just a rough facsimile of the real thing

    When I was first dating, I wouldn’t respond to someone if their picture wasn’t appealing, even if they sent an articulate, fun email. I also turned down any contact who I couldn’t imagine kissing, based on his picture. I didn’t meet a lot of new guys with these criteria!

    Now I’ve learned that pics in online dating profiles are an approximation of what the person looks like. Even recent photos don’t reflect the twinkle in his eye, how cute he is when he smiles, or how he makes you laugh with that silly expression. So I’ve learned to give him a benefit of a doubt if his profile, emails and calls are intriguing.

    The other rampant problem with photos is many folks (men and women, I’m told) post pictures more than two years old. I think it is dishonest to post any pics more than 2 years old, even if they are among recent ones, unless you put the date on them. I’ve only not recognized one guy when I met him because his pic was 10 years old. I was attracted to my first online date because of his picture with little kids. When I met him, I realized those were his kids, not the grandkids he’d mentioned to me. In other words, his picture was 30 years old!

    I have also met lots of guys who posted pics from when they were 60 lbs. lighter, or had hair (or hair another color but gray). I understand they think that if they present themselves as younger, they will get more responses. Perhaps they expect they will use their charm to overcome the disappointment of their date when she is having coffee with the white-haired guy with the paunch, not the buff stud in the pic (from 20 years ago). It’s seldom worked for me.

    So, the lessons for you: 1) only post or send pics fewer than 2 years old, and 2) if other things are compelling, go ahead and meet the guy even if his pic isn’t.

  • Guys make a great first impression with a small gift

    The other day I had a first date with a guy who brought me a present — a recent bestselling book he thought I’d like. It was a great gift, as it is in the genre I read and I hadn’t read it yet. Thumbs up!

    One guy’s first-date gift was a CD of romantic songs to play while cooking together. He said we could play it sometime when we prepare a meal together. Good move — it was thoughtful and suggested a second encounter.

    The stuffed bear with a red heart was brought to me on Feb. 16. I knew my date bought it half price at a local store, but that didn’t diminish its affect on me. It was very sweet. The guy who brought it and I are now dear friends, so the bear sits in a special place in my bedroom and I think of him and that first date every time I see it.

    One guy brought a bouquet of flowers. Even one red rose can make a date stand out. It’s not the gift itself, although if it is a great gift, even better. More it shows thoughtfulness, care and that the guy went out of his way to make the first date memorable. So even if there were other parts of the date that were so-so, a small gift will often tip the scale to ensure a second date.

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  • Tracking your date’s score

    A guy begins with 100 units. He can add to these units by doing good things (e.g., calling when he says he will, being chivalrous, suggesting activities he thinks I’d like, bringing small gifts, remembering info from previous conversations), smiling, making me laugh, having a good vocabulary, using proper grammar, dressing in clean, appropriate clothes, having good manners, generally being fun, interested, present and thoughtful.

    And yes, looks do count – if he’s yummy he gets more points than if he is average. Average-looking guys can come out ahead of a yummy guy by earning points in other areas. And if you find him sexy, then jackpot!

    Units are deducted for being late without calling, hogging the conversation, talking only about himself, his kids, interests and work, interrupting, not making eye contact, or answering his cell phone without first informing me he’s expecting an urgent call. Other demerits are taken for being unkempt (dirty clothes, unshined shoes, unpressed shirt), being unchivalrous (walking first into/out of a building, not holding the door, walking on the inside of the sidewalk), having poor table manners, mispronouncing too many words, or being unkind to anyone. Moving too fast (hand on my thigh within minutes of meeting me, trying to French kiss too soon, and trying to sleep with me on the first date) is also a big demerit earner.

    I don’t actually keep score – although I often think I should. I would have to assign values to the various behaviors. For example, being unkind would earn a lot more demerits than unshined shoes. And being kind and thoughtful are awarded a lot more points than walking on the outside of the sidewalk.

    But I do notice all of the above and make a mental note. Here’s an example from a recent first date.

    • Good: Often emails fun notes, brought small gift, pleasant to waiter, seemed to pay attention when I talked, had good eye contact, smiled, shared air time, treated for lunch, asked to see me again.
    • Bad: Walked into restaurant first, didn’t hold door for me, took cell phone call during lunch, interrupted a lot.

    So what’s the net score for this guy? Around 105. His plusses earned him back points he lost. So I’ll see him once more, then decide if I want to see him again.

  • Dating as a job interview

    Early on, I scoffed when I was told men see dating as a job interview. How could finding love be similar to finding a job?

    But then a guy recited his resume to me. I learned where and when he went to school, his major, and a litany of his jobs, including dates and companies.

    Since then I see the job interview parallel is more on target than I originally thought. I am dismayed when a potential suitor has not reviewed my profile before calling or meeting, so asks me things I've been clear about in my profile. As an employer, I would not be keen on someone who shows up for a job interview without reviewing the ad or job description.

    If he shows up late or unkempt, I am also not impressed. If he talks too much about what he wants without asking what I want, or ignores my offering what I'm looking for, then we aren't a fit. Just like a job interview, there needs to be give and take on what is needed to be a good match.

    I wonder if men would approach their next job interview with the same cavalierness that they do dating? If so, I can understand why some stay single for so long.

    Today I have a lunch date. I have visited his web site, read his bio, and printed his profile. I'll review it before I leave so I can be conversant on important things in his life. Let's see if he does the same. 🙂

  • Ambivalence

    Ambivalence is the bane of the dating world. I’ve had plenty of pleasant dates with guys who were smart, educated, successful, attractive yet I felt if I saw him again, fine; if not, fine. I debated with myself whether I’d accept a second date or not.

    On the one hand, there was nothing odious or off-putting, so why not spend a little more time together and see if a spark gets lit? We can all have off days, so why not take the risk of investing a little more time? If nothing develops after the second date, time to cut each other lose and move on.

    On the other hand, if I didn’t find him scintillating in our first encounter, why waste both our time? You have plenty of other things on your calendar, so investing a little more time means you’d have to give up something else.

    What to do?

    Two options come to mind. 1) You can invest a little more time on the phone and see if you’re drawn to get together. Or 2), you could get together for coffee or something with a short time investment. If no spark, then move on. But maybe by giving him a second chance, the spark will be kindled.

  • Good conversation is the foundation of great dating

    One of the things that has stood out for me in interactions with the last four potential suitors is that guys (at least the ones I've encountered) don't know how to make conversation. I'm not just talking chit chat, but any kind of give and take.

    And that is precisely what is missing — give and take. The men I've talked to recently seem to be missing the how-to-ask-questions gene. While I admit that since I am curious about a lot of things, questions come to me easily. In fact, I've learned to interject comments, stories and tidbits into the conversation lest my potential suitor think he's being interrogated. But most of them don't know how to piggy back on my comments to draw me out or to continue the discussion. They merely turn it back on themselves or talk about what interests them.

    Last night I had a dinner date with a man who had done a good job of sharing the initial phone conversation. However, at dinner he did 80% of the talking. When I would interject, my comments just sat there — he didn't ask me anything further. Perhaps my perspective and life weren't interesting to him. That's certainly a possibility. However, many strangers on planes seem more interested in my life than some of the guys I've spoken to!

    Are they shy? Nervous? Wanting to tell me everything possible in the first interaction? It would be more engaging if they worked to share the air time. They'd have more luck getting second dates — or even first ones — if they were more conscientious about how they converse in the first conversation.

  • Becoming smitten with the fantasy

    I’ve been surprised when men become smitten with me without yet meeting me. Perhaps we’ve had some interesting emails and phone calls, and they begin professing their love — or lust — for me. It’s happened enough times, I’ve decided they fall for the fantasy. When I was first dating, it happened to me. Now I’m more savvy.

    It is easy to fall for someone absent the reality. You only have blurry or old photos, a few hours — at most — of phone conversation, and some emails. Until you meet, you don’t really know if there is a spark, or if there is some annoying habit that is a deal breaker.

    A few weeks ago I was contacted on a Tues. by guy #57. He was intelligent, successful, tall, nice looking, articulate. We talked by email and phone a few times over the next few days. He was flirty and suggestive, even sending one erotic email — all before we’d even met. I warned him that reality was never as good as fantasy.

    We set up a drink date for Friday. I dressed in nice, sexy casual. He arrived looking nothing like his picture. However, we had good conversation, and he asked if I’d like to stay for dinner. This is a good sign. We continued talking about personal history, divorce stories, business, world events. He walked me to the car and left with a hug and quick kiss.

    I wrote him a nice “thank you” email, as I always do, saying I’d be happy to see him again if he’d like. He sent me a “nice evening; we’re not a match” response.

    So how did he get from erotic emails to we’re not a match? Whatever he fantasized about me wasn’t a match for the reality. I have recent, full-length pictures posted in my profile, so he saw what I looked like. So somewhere along the way his fantasy fire was extinguished.

    Now when I hear someone going overboard before meeting, I know it’s a yellow flag. Best to reserve your assessment until you’ve actually been with someone, and then you need to see them a few times before their “real” self begins to emerge.

  • How do you greet him?

    When I first started dating, I asked my dating friends, “How do you greet someone upon first meeting?” Shaking hands seems so businesslike. Doing nothing seems cold and aloof. I’ve settled on a quick hug. Since I’ve often been flirting with potential suitors by phone and email for at least a few days if not a week or more, I feel they aren’t strangers. Heck, if I’m at a church service, I hug people I’ve had much less contact with!

    Hugging also shows you’re affectionate and not afraid of contact. Just don’t linger too long, or it might send a message you don’t want to send!

    If I feel particularly fond of the person from our emails and calls, I’ll kiss him on the check. I’ve not had anyone abuse this greeting, so it’s working.

    And at the end of the encounter, unless it was unpleasant, I always give him a quick hug too. Longer if we really hit it off, and often a kiss on the cheek. But don’t be too affectionate if you don’t want to see him again. I’ve found even a hug for a pleasant encounter can cause the guy to think you’re more interested than you are.