Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

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  • What’s your kissing quotient?

    Rodin kissRecently I’ve had six dates with a guy, but only one passionate kiss — on the fifth date! Before that I got pecks hello and goodbye. I began to wonder if he thought of me as a pal — or worse, his sister! But he treated me and touched me in ways that said otherwise. I’d think, “This guy just doesn’t like kissing,” but before we even met he asked me if I liked to kiss and I said yes. So I don’t think that’s the problem.

    Only one other guy took more dates — six — to passionately smooch. Other guys have locked lips too much and too soon — some within minutes of meeting me. So I’ve begun to wonder if each person has a kissing quotient. And you have to work it out with potential partners so both person’s kissing needs are met.

    There are several kissing quotient criteria:

    • How soon — After first meeting someone, at what point do you feel it is appropriate to passionately kiss? This can vary widely depending on the person and the attraction you have to each other. However, do you have some general guidelines? Tyra Banks has said she never kisses on the first date, and if a guy tries to plant one on her lips, she turns her cheek. She wants him to really want to kiss her during the second date!
    • Frequency — Some people like to kiss a lot — both pecks and passionately. Do you like a lot of kissing, some, or hardly any? Some people can interpret lots of kissing as lots of attraction. Others feel it shows neediness and clinginess — or horniness!
    • Timing — Do you like kissing anywhere you feel drawn to your partner — on the street, in the movies, in a store, or do you prefer private necking — in the car and at home? Or do you like making out only in bed?
    • Duration — Some folks like to kiss for hours. Others for only a few minutes. What’s the length of time you’re comfortable necking?
    • Style — Some people have no kissing foreplay. No nibbles or suggestive busses. They just start full bore. If you like nibbles and he’s a “full court press” guy, there’s a mismatch. I’ve even tried to teach guys how I liked to be kissed, with not a lot of success.

    Of course, all of this depends on how much you enjoy canoodling with the other person. If you don’t consider him a good kisser, you’re probably not going to extend your lip-locking activities.

    Hmmm. Maybe my beau du jour doesn’t like my kisses! Or maybe he is afraid they will make him get weak knees and he’ll lose his decorum!

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  • Coupon use on a date: savvy or cheap?

    This may seem like a silly issue, but it came up recently so I wanted to address it.

    coupon bookA gal pal shared that she was a bit put off on a first date by a guy pulling out a 2-for-1 coupon when the bill arrived. Even though he was paying, she thought it made him seem chintzy.

    On the one hand, it showed he knew how to stretch his dollar. And since he was paying, why not get the biggest bang for his buck? On the other hand, it made it seem like the only reason she was along was so he could use his coupon. It didn’t make her feel special.

    She asked for my input. I suggested that if he approached it differently he might have seemed less like a skinflint. When he tendered his invitation, he might have said, “I’d love to take you to lunch to a new restaurant I’ve been wanting to try. And I’m hoping it won’t offend you, but they’ve even given me a coupon to dine there. Will you accompany me?”

    By setting it up this way, he’s telling her in advance and making it sound like a special place that he’s heard of and wants to try.

    In fact, on two occasions when a new guy and I have been discussing where to meet, I’ve thrown in the option of a place I have a coupon. I’ve said, “Another possibility is Left at Albuquerque as I have a $10 off coupon, if you wouldn’t be embarrassed that we use it.” Then he can decide if he wants to go there or not.

    Another time as the bill came, I said, “If it wouldn’t bother you, I have a $15 coupon.” My date was very happy, not embarrassed.

    When time for the check, if you decide to split it, the coupon amount comes off the top and you split the balance. Don’t say, “Well, the coupon covers my share.” Tacky!

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  • Customer service parallels to dating

    The other day a reporter interviewed me for an article on customer service. (In my professional life, I’m a bestselling author and expert on strategic customer service.) As she asked me question after question, I kept thinking, “This is just the same as in dating!” Or “I posted a blog entry about how that works in dating.” But of course, I kept that to myself.

    “What are the parallels?” you ask.

    She asked me, “What are the mistakes you see business owners make in customer service?”

    I said, “Clarifying mis-matched expectations. If you have a chronically unhappy customer, you aren’t meeting her expectations. If you are unable or unwilling to change your processes to meet what she wants, best to have an honest conversation with her about this and invite her to explore other providers. If she chooses to stay with you, she will be clearer on what to expect. Or she could choose to go to someone else who can better meet what she wants.”

    Isn’t that the same with dating? If the person you are dating regularly expresses his unhappiness with you, and you are unable or willing to change what he doesn’t like, isn’t it best to have an honest, non-accusatory conversation and invite him to move on if he can’t adjust his expectations? And if you are unhappy with him, isn’t it respectful to have a non-judgmental conversation about how your needs aren’t being met and let him decide if he wants to try to meet them or move on?

    The reporter asked how to deal with customers’ different needs.
    I suggested the staff get strategic training in discerning what kind of communication style the customer has, then understand how to adapt to each style. The customer is more likely to be loyal if he feels someone understands him and speaks his language.

    In dating, when you understand the communication style of the man on the other side of the coffee table, you can better know what his idea of “clear communication” is. You will know how to talk to him in a way he hears clearest. You will also know if your styles mesh or if there will always be tension. Even when you know each others’ style, it doesn’t always mean your relationship will be stress free. My ex and I both taught communication styles, and we still had hiccups.

    And lastly, in customer service, the best providers are those who periodically check in with their customer to see how they are doing and if there is anything that can make the customer’s experience even better.

    The best relationships check in occasionally, either with a counselor or without, and see if there are any issues that need working through. These conversations allow hidden issues to be revealed and resolved.

    What other parallels do you see between customer service and dating or relationships?

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  • Readers: Want/need your input

    Periodically, I’ll ask for your input on things that are going on in the DG world. If you’d prefer to email me directly rather than post your ideas, do so at Goddess@DatingGoddess.com. Your input is appreciated!

    ———–

    A producer contacted me to be a radio show guest to discuss midlife dating. He wanted to focus on how to get a sweetie lined up for Valentine’s Day. I told him, unfortunately, I’m not an expert on how to find a love, just how to enjoy the journey when you are dating. He wants to interview me just the same.

    So I need your help, dear readers.

    What do you want to know that would make a good pre-Valentine’s Day radio show? What questions do you think DG could answer that would be an interesting listen?

    I’ll tell you when the show is to air and where you can hear it.

    ———–

    I am going to be starting some Dating Goddess teleseminars, where I can interview experts (e.g., authors) or others who I think will have value on various topics. Who would you like to hear interviewed and/or on what topic? We’ll also have available the MP3 and CD if you can’t make a live session.

    ———–

    I received this the other day and thought I’d see what you could recommend for her.

    Dear DG:

    I’m tempted in ’07 to contact one of the online dating services to get back in the pool and swim. However, Consumer Reports recently did a review of the various programs, and confused me.

    Some are “scientific,” some are open season, several offer you even more months for free if you don’t have success within 6 months (a crummy refund offer, as you’re likely so dissatisfied you won’t use the free months). Some will even primarily reject up to 18% of interested daters as “unmatchable” ( what a bummer that would be — rejected by my own computer!).

    I don’t need the extra “work” of sloughing through the emails of folks that aren’t pre-screened as any sort of match, or browsing the dating aisles like being at a grocery store while hungry (we know how THAT ends up!) — so does DG or her readers have any suggestions on what online service to use? How do I choose a dating service, let alone a man? Or should I simply contact the high-priced yenta lady in the airline magazines?

    Want back in the pool, but don’t know best way to get in the water…

    PR

    Dear PR:

    My neighbor recently joined “It’s Just Lunch” as she was in the same time crunch you are. They personally matched her with 3 or 4 very nice guys so far, all of whom she saw at 2-3 times. Although she wasn’t physically attracted to any but one, she enjoyed them all.

    My point is, if you don’t want to weed through a lot of profiles, emails from non-matches, or tedious questions a la eHarmony, I’d give one of the services a try. She said the above is $1500 to join. Now I’ve heard others say it’s a waste of time, but you know me — never a wasted evening (or lunch)!

    If you decide to get your feet wet with online dating, I’ve found Match.com has yielded the best quality and quantity. Since it is the largest service, most people join it if nothing else. And you can post a profile without joining.

    I’ve joined eHarmony off and on over the 2 years. Of the 150 men with whom they’ve matched me, I’ve gone through the tedious questioning back and forth with a dozen of them and met 3 or 4 face-to-face. None of them yielded a second date. I’m told they match you on intelligence, although you do a DiSC profile plus other questions. While the guys were smart (one of my main criteria), they were either political polar opposites, or not intriguing enough to see again.

    I’ve tried over a dozen sites (but only join one or two at a time).

    DG

    Your turn readers — what advice do you have?

    ———–

    Last Friday I was interviewed by a charming reporter from the San Jose Mercuy News on dating over 50. (He called me a dating guru! Cool!) I even suggested he interview Bruce! It will run in next Sunday’s entertainment section. I’ll post the link when it’s posted online.

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  • Go dutch or accept your date’s offer to treat?

    restaurant tableI was talking to a friend about how to deal with paying for a meal when you’re first dating someone.

    Friend: I always insist on paying for my own meal. At least until we’re going together exclusively.

    Me: Why do you insist?

    Friend: I don’t want to feel beholden.

    Me: Beholden for what?

    Friend: I don’t want him to think I owe him sex for treating me to dinner.

    Me: I don’t think many men would think they are buying sex for the price of a dinner. Unless they’re taking out a call girl!

    Friend: I know. You’re right.

    Me: So what happens when the check comes?

    Friend: As soon as the server puts it on the table I say, “Let’s split it.”

    Me: What if your date says, “Please allow me to get this.”

    Friend: I say, “No, I want to split it.”

    Me: Why is it important to you to go dutch?

    Friend: I just feel guilty if my date pays.

    Me: Why do you feel guilty?

    Friend: I don’t want him to think I’m cheap.

    Me: What if he gave you a present. Would you accept it graciously?

    Friend: Yes, if it wasn’t something really expensive.

    Me: Would you feel beholden or guilty?

    Friend: No.

    Me: Can you see that his wanting to treat you is similar to him wanting to give you a present. The present is a nice meal and he wants to treat you because he enjoyed your company. When you don’t accept his gift, you are saying, “No, I don’t want to receive anything from you.” It puts up a barrier. It’s a control issue. You’re not allowing him to feel good about doing something for you and for which he’s received enjoyment, too.

    Friend: When you put it that way, it makes sense. But then I’d want to pay for after-dinner drinks. Or I’d say, “Next time it’s on me.” That will guarantee a second date!

    Me: That’s fine, if that’s what you want. However, if he isn’t interested in you, promising to pay for dinner next time isn’t going to get him to want to spend another evening with you.

    So on your date tonight, when the check comes and he says he’d like to treat, what will you say?

    Friend: I’ll say, “Thank you. That is generous of you. It was a great meal. I’d like to treat us to a nightcap.”

    It is perfectly fine to go dutch on early dates if you want. It’s even okay to let the guy know this when you accept his invitation. And it’s also acceptable to take turns treating. My ex and I did this when we first dated as neither of us made much money then.

    However, my experience is most midlife men will expect, and — most of the time — want to treat on the first date or two. This is why you should always let him choose the place you meet. If he isn’t from the area and asks you to pick, give him descriptions of three restaurants that aren’t the most expensive in town, unless he says he wants to try some top-of-the-line hot spots in your area.

    If nothing has been said ahead of time, when the check comes don’t excuse yourself to the rest room. Men hate that. And don’t let it just sit there for a long, long time.

    When the check comes, if he grabs it and pulls out his wallet, that signals he wants and expects to pay. If the check sits there for a minute or two, I find the best way to handle it on a first date is to reach for my wallet and say, “How would you like to handle this?” I don’t physically pick up the check or tray. I just reach for or pull out my wallet and ask the question. Nine times out of 10, the man will say, “I’ve got it,” or “Allow me.” If he’s had a nice time, he’ll gladly spring for lunch or dinner, even if he doesn’t plan to ask you out again.

    At that point, don’t argue with him or snatch the check away and say, “My treat.” Most men feel this is emasculating. Even if you make more money than him, don’t do this.

    I know some women have different experiences on this, but mine is that if a man accepts your splitting the bill, assuming you haven’t ordered a much more expensive meal and/or drinks than him, he won’t ask for a second date.

    My ex and I shared all entertainment costs during our 20 years together. Occasionally, when one of us closed a big deal or for the other’s birthday, we’d treat the other. But generally, we split it all. It was hard for me when first dating to feel okay about not sharing the cost, nor insist on taking turns. John Gray and others helped me see that this is not what most midlife men want, no matter how progressive they are — at least at first. Not all, but many, many men see picking up the check as part of his romancing you. When you insist on reciprocating tit for tat, it diminishes the positive feeling he gets by taking you out.

    To even things out, if you can cook, ask him over for a special meal. If you can’t cook, invite him over and bring in some food from a great restaurant. How is that different than treating him in a restaurant? I know, it’s pretty comparable. But somehow, hosting someone at your home has more of a special feel to it.

    How do you feel about splitting the check the first few dates?

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  • Virtual dating: the future of courtship?

    A recent Harvard Business School Working Knowledge article, “Online Match-Making with Virtual Dates,” explains how virtual dating is a better way of getting to know someone than emailing and IMing.

    vitual datingAcademics Jeana H. Frost, Michael I. Norton and Dan Ariely looked at online dating and how it can be improved. After interviewing online daters they discovered that people spend hours and hours looking at profiles, making contact, then emailing prospects before actually meeting. Then most face-to-face encounters fizzle. So the process wasn’t yielding great matches even after all that time and effort.

    What is virtual dating? How is it different than online dating? “After two dating-service customers find what looks like a good match, the couple meets over their computers for a five-minute virtual date, a kind of online ice-breaker that allows two people to communicate in real time using colors, words, and images.

    “In the process of using virtual dates, couples may pick up more cues about each other than they would through a standard, one-dimensional chat client. Is my date responsive or funny? Are they on time? How do they relate in real time? How does it feel to sit (virtually) across from them?”

    By “meeting” real time, and interacting even if through the computer, they pick up on things that aren’t discernable in email. It enables people to decide if they want to make that coffee date after even just a five-minute interaction. Sort of like virtual speed dating!

    The author concurs with my philosophy: “The people who go on a lot of dates are the people who find someone. In some sense it’s a numbers game.”

    I’d be willing to try this, but I think you get so many more cues in email, phone and of course a face-to-face meeting. But perhaps it would save time if you learned in a virtual date that you weren’t drawn to meet him in person. I’m not sure how one would word the “thanks, but no thanks” message when you’ve only virtually met: “Thanks, but our data didn’t synch”?

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  • How to trump being dumped

    trump cardTo trump: outshine, outclass, upstage, eclipse, surpass, outdo, outperform; beat, better, top, cap; be a cut above, be head and shoulders above, leave standing.

    Yesterday, a new friend told me he’d been dumped by his last sweetheart, and was still stinging from it many months later.

    Me: What was the reason for the breakup?

    He: It was stupid. Because I am fun and engaging with others, my sweetie felt I had the “potential” to cheat. I have never cheated, nor would I. This was all imaginary.

    Me: Then your sweetie did you a favor by releasing you. Imagine your life with someone who was jealous about what you had the “potential” to do. This person would be easily riled at your making eye contact, smiling or talking to anyone else, even if you had no intention of cheating. Perhaps your partner would read your emails or text messages, or scrutinize your cell call log. You would live in an ever-present shroud of suspicion. Would you want to live with that?

    He: No.

    Me: Then in fact, you were done a favor by being released from the clutches of an insecure person, who would have made your life hell if you’d stayed together. How great that you now are available for a trusting, mature, sane person.

    He: You sure know how to spin it!

    Me: It’s the truth, isn’t it?

    He: Yes, but I hadn’t thought of it like that.

    Most people don’t. Although being released stings, if you can reframe it, you will be in less pain. There is always more than one way to interpret something, without being delusional. Both our interpretations describe the same outcome: He is single again. My philosophy is to choose the interpretation that leaves you most empowered, not depressed.

    So was he dumped? You could say that. Was he released from a partnership with a needlessly jealous, insecure person? Yes. Both are true. Which one leaves him feeling best about himself and ready to meet a great person? The latter.

    When you construe something negatively, ask yourself how else it could be interpreted. Choose the option that is still the truth, but leaves you moving forward positively, not leaving you feeling less than.

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  • Husband in training

    Fifteen years ago, a guy pal 10 years my junior was bemoaning that he wanted to be married. Really wanted to be married. I asked him some key questions, then announced my diagnosis: He needed to know how to act like a husband. Then the women he dated would see he was ready for marriage. So I adopted him as my Assistant Husband in Training. I was sure my husband wouldn’t mind my new project, as long as there were no marital privileges.

    We started his training regimen immediately. We were at a professional convention in a downtown hotel. I said, “Let’s begin” and slipped my arm through his for a stroll through the surrounding shops.

    diamond ring“Let’s go into that jewelry store so we can shop for engagement rings.” He complied — he was already being a good trainee! After trying on the biggest diamonds in the store, I chose the one I thought would show his pseudo undying devotion to me and got his agreement. We thanked the jeweler and promised to return later.

    In a clothing store he learned to say, “That color brings out your beautiful eyes,” “That style would be hot on you,” “I’d love to take you to dinner in that outfit,” and “Do you need shoes to go with that?” He was a quick study on how to make a woman feel special.

    We headed off to lunch. I made sure he knew to open the doors, escort me to the table, pull out the chair, and maintain interested conversation and eye contact. And of course, pick up the bill.

    Over the next year we continued our intermittent training program. He’d call periodically and ask how to impress one of his dates. Then he met a woman he decided was a fit, so wanted suggestions for ways to woo her. I was such a good trainer and he was such a good student, he was married within the year!

    Don’t you wish the men we date enlisted in boyfriend training, then graduated to husband training? And wouldn’t you love to have a mentor teach you how to entice a man and keep him interested for years? Where are such schools? What would you want to see men taught in such a training program, beyond the requisite pick up your wet towels and don’t chew with your mouth open?

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  • “Is that so?” — A lesson in non-attachment

    The Zen story goes:

    In a mountainside village, a teenaged girl got pregnant. She was so terrified to tell her parents the truth, she told them the father was an old monk living nearby. When the child was born, the outraged parents took the baby to him and said, “This baby is yours,” and gave it to him.

    monkThe monk said, “Is that so?” and took the baby.

    Over the next few years he loved and cared for the child as if it were his own. The child flourished under his tender care, and he delighted having the child in his life.

    Meanwhile, the child’s mother was overcome with remorse until she could not stand it. She finally admitted to her parents that her boyfriend was the child’s father, not the monk.

    Her parents stormed back to the monk’s cottage. Pounding angrily on the door, when he answered they demanded, “Give us back the child. It is not yours.”

    The monk responded calmly, “Is that so?” and handed over the toddler.

    (Adapted from “The Woman Who Walked to Paradise” by Robert Stevens Fish.)

    We could criticize the monk for not speaking up the first time. We could point out how he had no backbone and let people do whatever they wanted to him. We could berate the girl for bringing untold work onto the old monk. We could admonish her for shirking her parenting responsibilities out of cowardice. We could chastise the parents for their anger and judgment of the monk, without hearing his side of the story, then snatching away this child he’d lovingly cared for.

    We could, but we won’t, as none of that is the point of the story.

    As I see it, the point of the story is to strive to live, as much as possible, in non-attachment. I know, I know, this is one of those much easier to say than do kind of things. The story is over the top in non-attachment. So let’s bring it back to — of course — dating.

    When you begin to like, be sweet on, or “kinda be likin’” (as my teenaged nieces would put it) a guy, it’s natural to start to become attached. It’s part of the emotional bonding that takes place in the formation of a committed relationship.

    However, this attachment can go awry when you are first exploring each other. You may have emailed, talked on the phone and perhaps gone out on a few dates. You like him and he seems to like you. You begin to let yourself fall for him.

    Then, poof, something happens and he’s gone. Or his formerly nice, kind, attentive behavior has become aloof. He doesn’t call as often, nor is he as complimentary. Instead of suggesting dinner out, now all he wants to do is bring pizza to your place with a DVD, knowing it will be easier to seduce you, and less expensive.

    You get angry. It’s easy to do. You feel he’s led you on.

    What if, instead, you said, “Is that so?” to whatever has happened. You just release him with as much compassion and kindness as you can muster. You remind yourself that you can get angry, but that doesn’t change the situation, it only raises your blood pressure, which of course, doesn’t affect him at all!

    So try it. Whoever or whatever you are angry about right now, try just saying, “Is that so?” and move on. How does it feel?

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  • Suffering is optional

    When our dating activities don’t go as we’d like, it is easy to get into a funk. We can drive ourselves crazy wondering what is wrong with us that we can’t seem to attract anyone at all, or the men we do attract are disinterested in a relationship, have other afflictions, or we aren’t drawn to them.

    It is easy to be a suffering single.

    Within days of my ex leaving I talked to a dear, wise friend for solace. I was wailing and complaining about what a louse he was to treat me this way. I wanted retribution for the pain he’d caused me by his decision. I wanted him to suffer as much as I was.

    My friend said, “I can understand you would want him to feel the same pain you do, but he doesn’t and won’t. And for you, remember suffering is optional.”

    “How can suffering be optional?” I wanted to scream. “I can’t control this feeling of a knife thrust into my gut.”

    No, I can’t control that feeling. But I can control how I interpret situations. And whether I choose to wallow or for how long.

    I remember I told myself I was going to just feel the feeling, just be with it and not make it right or wrong. I was not going to try to change it unless I wanted to. I also gave myself to the end of the year to mourn the loss of my marriage, which would give me a full 7.5 months to suffer however I chose.

    As the end of the year approached, I noticed my suffering was nearly gone. I was looking forward to the new year to move on. I wasn’t subjugating the sadness — I allowed it to surface when it did. But I didn’t feel I was suffering in the sorrow.

    We all have dating setbacks. We can choose if we suffer through them or not. It’s okay if you do, but be clear that it is your choice. Sadness can bring gifts of release and insight. Suffering is really unnecessary. But if you want to do it, go right ahead!

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  • What would you do if you were brave?

    At the beginning of this new year, I think this is a question to ask ourselves about dating for ’07.

    JanaMy friend, the amazing musical artist Jana Stanfield, created a song around this question. “If I Were Brave” goes, in part:

    What would I do if I knew that I could not fail?
    If I believed, would the wind always fill up my sail?
    How far would I go? What could I achieve,
    trusting the hero in me?

    What if we’re all meant to do what we secretly dream?
    What would you ask if you knew you could have anything?
    Like the mighty oak sleeps in the heart of a seed,
    are there miracles in you and me?

    If I refuse to listen to the voice of fear,
    would the voice of courage whisper in my ear?

    If I were brave, I’d walk the razor’s edge,
    where fools and dreamers dare to tread.
    I’d never lose faith, even when losing my way.
    What step would I take today, if I were brave?

    What would I do today, if I were brave?

    © Jana Stanfield

    Brave FaithListen to a sampling of the song, and if you like it order the CD it’s on. In fact, if you like Jana’s insightful, thoughtful, alluring music (she’s the queen of heavy mental), buy the boxed set of her four 2-CD albums.

    If I were brave I would…

    • …attend more functions where there would be men I might find appealing, like professional meetings and singles events.
    • …make the first move with someone I find attractive, saying “hello” and starting a conversation.
    • …speak up sooner when something isn’t working, even at the risk of losing the guy. If he can’t handle it, we aren’t a match.
    • …reconnect with someone I really like if we parted amicably.
    • …end every liaison cleanly, whether it’s only a coffee date or longer-term connection. Don’t allow myself to just disappear, as I hate it when men do this, but instead communicate “it’s not a match” with those who I’ve met for a date.

    How would you date differently in ’07 if you were brave? If you weren’t concerned about rejection or getting a bruised heart, but instead led your dating life with the attitude of being aggressively single and thoroughly appreciating the process of finding your next love?

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