Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

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  • Persistence pays — perhaps

    When I first began to date, two men contacted me the same week from the only online site I was listed. Each emailed me several times a day the first week, and we spoke by phone. I liked them both, but Mr. JohnnyOnTheSpot asked for a date within the week. The other lived an hour away and it took him 3 weeks to ask for a date. I agreed to meet him for dinner, although I was already fond of Mr. JohnnyOnTheSpot.

    Mr. Procrastinator and I had exchanged flirty emails and on the phone he was interesting and complimentary. However, other than a “You’re beautiful” when we sat down, his flirty attitude was gone. He was businesslike in his voice tone and discussion topics. He was reserved and rarely smiled. The deep, melodious, sexy voice he used on the phone was now higher pitched. I didn’t feel drawn to him in person.

    He called the next day and asked me to rate the date on a 1-10 scale. I had decided I really didn’t want to see him again, but rather than tell him a 4, I rated it a 7. He acted crushed! I also told him I had begun seeing Mr. JohnnyOnTheSpot. He said he was disappointed, but he understood, and wished me well.

    A month later he emailed asking how I was doing and how it was going with Mr. JohnnyOnTheSpot. I politely responded that it was going fine. He kept in touch every month and seemed elated when after a few months I told him I had broken up with Mr. JohnnyOnTheSpot. He called me that day and I warmed to him again, so started seeing him. So sometimes persistence pays off!

    He called me every day for 6 months, but I only saw him every 10-12 days. He kept promising he’d come see me tomorrow, but something else nearly always took priority. I got tired of being home alone on too many Saturday nights, while he kept professing his devotion to me. So while he was persistent, his actions weren’t congruent with his words.

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  • “When can I meet your kids?”

    I have never asked a guy this. However, a woman recently shared that she asks this on the first date. Additionally she asks, “When would you be comfortable meeting mine, and each others’ friends?”

    Even though I don’t have kids, I know how protective most people are of theirs and introducing them to people they’re dating. Most don’t want to parade a bunch of dates by their kids, but instead want to only introduce them to each other after dating someone for a while.

    My pal feels differently. She says her teenaged daughter is comfortable meeting her dates early on, and she knows a man cares about her if he introduces his kids to her. If a man balks or says it will take 6 months, she doesn’t see him again. She says that’s just too long. It limits when they can see each other to when he doesn’t have his kids.

    Since this isn’t an issue for me, I asked some dating moms what they thought. Most agreed that asking about when to meet the kids was not an appropriate first-date question. The consensus was also that kid meeting generally happens after a few months of exclusive dating.

    I don’t ask to meet the kids — even if they are grown. I figure a man knows when he wants this to happen and will bring it up when he does. I’m not in a hurry so I let it evolve organically.

    If you have kids, how long do you need to date someone before you introduce them to each other? If you don’t have children, when would you expect to be introduced? Do you ask to meet his kids?

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    Got a topic on dating after 40 you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.

  • Are you a power dater? Would you be upset with one?

    Another Internet dater shared that a guy she’d met online called and set a coffee date at 1:00 the following Monday. A little later, he called her again, apparently thinking she was a different woman, and set a 3:00 coffee date for the same day.

    She was incensed. She told him off and canceled both dates.

    I didn’t see why she was so angry. I’ve occasionally had two dates on the same day. So I asked her why she was upset.

    She said he was a “power dater” and by having such close dates, it wouldn’t let them get to know each other. He’d have to run to his second date (if he’d made it with another woman) after just an hour. She was insulted that he wasn’t willing to give the 1:00 date with her more time.

    Some dating books suggest that the first meeting be preplanned to last no more than an hour. The philosophy is that if you’re having a great time, it will allow you both to reflect on the date afterward and look forward to the next one. If you let a first date go on too long, and you both like each other, a sort of honeymoon energy can develop where you only see the positives.

    “What’s wrong with that?” you ask.

    I’ve had five-hour coffee dates. And I’ve experienced what the books discuss. I’ve become enamored with someone during that first date. While the feeling is exquisite to be in that state of bliss, in retrospect I see that I felt too close too fast. Things progressed too quickly that I should have allowed to take more time.

    How would you feel if you knew your coffee date had another right after you? Would you be upset? Do you see anything wrong with scheduling two dates in the same day? How long do you think a first-meeting date should last?

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  • Do you tell suitors how to make you happy?

    My friend Bruce says most women don’t know how to express how a man can make her happy. Women commonly say they want nebulous characteristics, like successful, strong, communicative, fun. A woman’s profile often says she wants a long list of nearly impossible attributes. A man begins to read the superman-like list and moves on as he knows he can never measure up.

    A man wants to make a woman happy. But he needs a clear roadmap. Do you like fresh-perked coffee in the morning? Sunset walks? Foot massages? He knows he can – or can’t – provide what you want. He also wants to be able to make you happy without going far outside his regular activities. So if he’s an outdoors guy and you say you like hiking and camping, he says, “I can make her happy taking her backpacking.” If you say, “I like concerts,” he says, “So do I! I ‘d like to take her to hear some great performers.”

    Now this may seem like common sense that a guy looks for women who like to do what he likes to do. But I think it’s more than that – it’s all around his making you happy. If you say you like opera and he doesn’t, he knows he could take you, but he won’t be completely comfortable. He’s willing to go to the opera every once in a while, but he’d be very happy if you’d be thrilled on the back of his Harley.

    What makes you happy? Write it down. Based on Bruce’s concept, I’ve rewritten my online profile. Following is how I’ve expressed what makes me happy. Maybe it will give you some ideas on how to say what you want. I’ve just included this in my profile and a few men have responded, but it’s too soon to see if it works better than the previous one.

    If you are my man, you know you can make me happy — and I’ll make you very happy. You’re strong yet sensitive. You listen carefully first and make sure I feel heard before trying to fix anything.

    You show your love through everyday actions: kind words, making me laugh, sharing a favorite last cookie, taking care of life’s messy parts. You like to open jars, take out the garbage, bring in the groceries, ensure the cars have proper maintenance. You show your caring by planning special outings from picnics on the beach, to concerts, dinners, or plays. You plan romantic evenings at home by preparing a fire, lighting candles, playing soft music and clearing the sofa for cuddling.

    You make me laugh at your silliness. You love talking about things that are important, not drivel. You know we needn’t agree on everything, and we disagree respectfully.

    You’re chivalrous and regularly show me I’m special through many little acts like opening doors, pulling out chairs, helping with my coat.

    You love to take me abroad, and when we travel, you like to make sure I’m taken care of. You make the arrangements and so we can relax and enjoy the journey together. You know I can do these things myself, but you know how much I appreciate it when you take care of it all.

    You know I think you’re sexy when you show pride in your appearance. While shorts, t-shirts and sweats are okay around the house, gym or on a hike, you wouldn’t take me to the movies or dinner like that.

    You are a generous lover, graciously receiving as well as giving. You know I like to dance, and we have a blast together. You’re willing to try new things that you think we’d both enjoy.

    You like to learn and grow spiritually, psychologically, and intellectually, and are always looking for ways to improve. You’re happy with who you are, yet know you can get even better.

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  • Feeling violated

    This posting has nothing to do with dating. But it is fresh on my mind.

    Yesterday, I did some errands midday for 2 hours. When I arrived home, the back door had been kicked in. I called the police and they searched the house. No one was inside.

    My laptop, some cash, my wedding ring and a ring of my mother’s was gone. All the drawers and cupboards had been opened, but not ransacked.

    My laptop was my business. While I backed up weekly, I had just put the finishing touches on the manuscript for the Dating Goddess book, which my agent was expecting this weekend. I hadn’t backed up the last 20 hours of work, as I was going to send it to him after one more look through when I go back. All my financial information was on it, and although the computer was password protected, it was on when he took it, so those files were open.

    With the police we speculated it was a kid as he didn’t take other things that could be fenced. They said mostly this kind of crime is related to drugs. Our neighborhood has never had a problem with this before.

    While the rings had value, it is the info on my laptop that is most bothersome. I will watch eBay and Craigslist to see if a dented Mac G4 is for sale in the last day.

    I am writing this at the library while I get my extra computer connected to the web. I wanted you to know. BTW, the cops said my one-inch deadbolts only kept honest people out. So make sure your dead bolts go not just into the door jamb, but into the stud. I would have less angst right now if I knew that, as he wouldn’t have been able to kick the door in.

  • Are you a good verbal hugger?

    A verbal hug is a sincere acknowledgment. The usual result is that the receiver feels good. It’s similar to a physical hug, but there’s no touching — except the recipient’s heart is often touched. You embrace him with your words. We all like sincere compliments, as long as it’s not overdone.

    A relationship is built upon positive experiences, and working through less than positive ones with care. Verbal hugs help build a foundation with your man that shows you catch him doing things you like.

    You can start giving verbal hugs in early emails and phone conversations and extend to face-to-face meetings. In emails, I try to find something in the guy’s profile or previous emails that I admire, and tell him so.

    In a phone conversation, it could be, “I’m glad we connected,” “I’m glad you called,” or “Thanks for giving me a call.” At the end of a telephone conversation, instead of, “Talk to you later,” try “It was really good to talk to you,” or “I’m glad you called.”

    When meeting instead of asking the trite, “How are you?” try, “It’s so good finally get to meet you,” or, if it’s true, “You look great.” As he shares things you think are interesting or impressive, tell him so. Make a point to tell your date one thing you admire about him, “I admire how you have such patience with challenging people.” Or reinforce a success with, “I applaud your fortitude to get your degree while raising a family.”

    However, don’t pile it on too thick or you will seem that you’re coming on too strong. See how he reacts. If he seems comfortable and also offers positive comments to you, you can continue to sprinkle your verbal hugs into conversations.

    How can you “hug” your next date?

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  • Dating requires risk taking

    Many women don’t want to get back into the dating scene because they know it will require them to take some risks: being rejected, getting a broken heart, being hurt. But without risks in life, rewards are small. If you want to live completely within your comfort zone and not press your limits, you will stay where you are now. If you know you are happier coupled than alone, you may not ever find your special someone without taking some risks.

    As long as you are clear on the risks, you can mitigate the chances of something adverse happening, or can minimize its affect on you if it does. When you take calculated risks — nothing stupid, but pressing your envelope of comfort, you will be amazed at how you grow.

    MiravalI liken dating to some of the activities I experienced when I led private women’s leadership retreats at the world-famous spa/resort, Miraval, in Arizona. My ex had just left me a few months earlier, and I used this time to reflect and work on myself, as well as assist others.

    quantum leapOne of the Miraval activities included in my curriculum was climbing a 25-foot pole, standing on top, then leaping off. I participated along with each of my group as we would climb the pole wearing a harness and belayed by a strong rope with a team of three holding tightly so there was no way you could fall.

    Feeling worn out the day of this activity, I didn’t really feel like stretching my comfort limits. Stretching out on the massage table was more what I had in mind. The storm clouds were approaching, so I hoped that if I procrastinated long enough, the rains would come and I could bail out. When the leader, Kevin, asked for people to choose their climbing order, I took the last spot.

    I watched the younger women scamper up the 25-foot telephone pole in seconds, seemingly leap on top and stand at attention. One woman was so confident, she did a one-legged yoga pose on the dinner-plate-sized disk on top.

    Finally, it was my turn. Would I do it or pass? Kevin yelled my number. I paused while I made my decision. I thought, “Drat, I guess I have to participate with my group.”

    I climbed the pole reasonably easily, considering my lack of energy. I guess adrenaline had kicked in. I was okay as long as I didn’t look down. Then, at the top, I ran out of rungs to hang onto. The only thing left was to hang onto the disk on the top, which, by the way, rotates!

    I grabbed on, which meant I had to hang over the top so I could balance to get one foot on the disk. Looking straight down 25 feet was unnerving. But I placed one foot on the disk. Now, how to get the other one up? This was hard, as I had to shift my weight onto the top foot and balance while bringing the other foot up. Breathe, focus, OK, now! Did it!

    I hung on, folded over with both hands hanging onto the disk and both feet on top of it. Now to stand up — with nothing to hang on to or with which to steady myself. Talk about faith!

    I took a deep breath and asked myself, “What are you willing to take a stand for?” The answer came immediately: “My new life!” I stood up confidently. Yippee! I looked around the beautiful high desert, and enjoyed watching the storm clouds against the prominent peaks. Beautiful.

    As I prepared to dismount, Kevin asked, “What are you leaping into?” I replied, “I’m leaping into my new life!” With that I turned on the disk — a 9.9-degree of difficulty — and leapt off the pole!

    What did I learn?

    • Isn’t so much of life just putting one foot in front of (or above) the other?
    • When you’re clear on your goal, you trudge forward, even if you want to give up.
    • Take your time if you are scared. Remind yourself of what you need. Breathe, focus.
    • When faced with a very difficult task, remind yourself of something that inspires you. It will give you the energy and focus to take a stand.
    • You can accomplish amazing things when you are balanced, clear on what you want, focused and grounded.
    • With every action, be clear in what you want. I was clear I wanted to leap into my new life with energy, courage, passion and clarity.

    I apply these lessons to dating. Yes, it is a risk. But if I want to be coupled again, as I very much do, I have to face my fears and take risks. Are you willing to take a stand for finding your love match?

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  • The “Better Than Nothing” guy

    if-im-so-wonderful.jpgIn my friend Susan Page’s bestselling book, If I’m So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single?: Ten Strategies That Will Change Your Love Life Forever she discusses the “Better Than Nothing” (BTN) partner. A BTN is someone you know isn’t “the one,” yet you hang onto him because you feel it’s better to have someone than no one.

    I find myself in a BTN relationship. And I think he feels similarly. He lives a few hundred miles away, and although he calls every day, he’s only made one trip to see me in 6 months. I visited him once, and he aborted another trip I had planned a month later. But he still calls daily, so I know he has some interest in continuing the connection. It feels like we are in a BTN relationship.

    Why stay in BTN relationships? You know you havespare tire someone who will accompany you to a wedding or party, if needed. You can probably count on him for New Year’s Eve. It gives you some security, like the spare tire in your trunk, even if you don’t use it much. Just like the spare tire, you know it is temporary.

    If you are exclusive with your BTN, you deprive each other of finding someone who is a much better fit. If you aren’t exclusive, your BTN is the “spare” you have to fall back on if others don’t work out.

    How do you know if you are the other’s BTN? By the lack of motivation he shows in seeing you or calling you — in other words courting you. If he’s lackadaisical about wooing you, you are, no doubt, a BTN.

    Do you tell him that he isn’t “the one” but you’d still like to see him? In other words, that he’s a BTN? If it seems he’s more serious about you than you are him, then yes, let him know. It is only fair. I would avoid using the BTN wording, but let him know you don’t feel he is “the one.” Then he can choose to continue seeing you, or not, but at least you’re honest.

    With the holidays coming up, I think people cling more tightly to their BTNs. The prospect of being alone at holiday parties or New Year’s Eve can be a downer.

    What do you think of BTNs? Have you been in a BTN relationship? Why did you decide to continue or break up?

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    Got a topic on dating after 40 you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.

  • When do you tell your date about irritants?

    There seem to be several camps on this:

    1. Immediately when the annoyance happens, even on the first date. Say something so he can modify his behavior. No matter how small the irritation, you should say something when it happens.
    2. Not on the first date, unless the behavior is egregious (blowing his nose in the cloth napkin, walking 5 paces in front of you, wearing a hat inside a nice restaurant, fondling you in public).
    3. Only when it happens frequently enough that you can’t tolerate it anymore. Giving someone grace shows maturity unless you can’t stand that pen-top clicking, fingernail-tooth cleaning, or utterance of “cool,” “like,” or “ya know” one more time.
    4. Only if you think you’re interested in seeing him in the future. Why bring it up if you have no interest in him?

    My preference is a combination of 2, 3 and 4. When I’ve had dates who subscribe to #1 and nit pick about what I consider minor infractions, the cumulative affect is I feel picked on.

    This is something that I wouldn’t have thought to be a deal breaker. But it has been. More than once.

    Here are some things to ponder about feedback:

    • Frequency. It’s not just what someone nitpicks about. It’s the frequency. If he brings to my attention every detail he doesn’t like, it gets trying. You need to pick your battles and only point out behaviors you find obnoxious. So when he wipes clean his silverware in an upscale restaurant, notice his anal retentiveness, but don’t comment. Unless he starts doing it for the couple at the next table.
    • Tone. Someone’s tone is important as well. I can take constructive feedback, but not easily if someone has an irritated tone, or sounds as if I’m an idiot for behaving a certain way. I try to have a patient tone, but I know that when you let an irritant go on too long, it does come through in your “that’s the last straw” voice.
    • Phrasing. How the feedback is phrased is important, too. Some people like you to blurt out the problem, “You have bad breath,” vs. a softer, more indirect choice, “Let’s have a mint before we continue kissing.” Men tell me the latter drives them crazy, yet many women find the former too blunt and insensitive. Ah, the differences in the genders!
    • Location. The place is important, too. Don’t criticize a man in front of others. If he’s doing someone you find offensive, either whisper it to him, or get him to step away from the others. He can become embarrassed — as would you — to hear it in front of friends or colleagues. Also, bringing something up over a nice, romantic dinner can ruin the evening. If it can wait, leave it for later.
    • Balance with positives. I heard a suggestion that for every one piece of corrective feedback, you should have 5 positives. Otherwise the receiver will feel as I did, continually nagged.

    I went out several times with a man who had rigid expectations on when I should bring up anything that bothered me. During our time together, if I did anything he didn’t like, he told me immediately. I, on the other hand let most things go, giving him grace. However, not saying something about his nitpicking resulted in my feeling continually criticized.

    When I explained I had a different philosophy about when to deliver corrective communication, he said, “You have to say something at the time. You can’t say something hours later. It’s wrong. If you don’t say something at the time, you shouldn’t bring it up later.”

    His rule was, if you didn’t bring it up instantly upon happening, you abdicated your right to bring it up ever. I reminded him, “We talked about this on the phone. I told you I often brought up things as they happen, but sometimes I don’t realize how I feel about something until a little later.”

    “No, you have to bring it up at the time.” Now I saw that he had no concept that one could experience a feeling, like a mild irritation, but be unable to articulate why until a little later. In his mind, everyone must say what was bothersome at the moment or relinquish the chance to discuss it later. Trying to explain this concept was futile, like trying to explain a beautiful sunset to a blind person.

    I realized I couldn’t be with someone long term who had such rigid rules about what was “right” behavior from their partner, especially behavior I couldn’t control. I needed someone who could listen and gently probe if I was upset, not get angry and defensive, just as I would him. While I enjoyed many things about him, I saw that he didn’t have the communication skills I find essential for a long-term romantic partner. Needless to say, we didn’t see each other again.

    Which camp(s) are you in?

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  • Being seduced by what he is over who he is

    I admit it. I’ve been so enticed by what a man is that it’s clouded my judgment about who he is.

    When dating the crazy psychiatrist, I adored when he consulted the pharmacist about what over-the-counter remedy would reduce my cold symptoms. I loved telling my friends that I was dating a doctor. Shallow, I know. Very shallow. I felt like his profession meant that I was able to attract smart, accomplished men. I ignored the ever-present fact that he was a self-admitted “impaired physician,” meaning a doctor with problems. And he had those in spades. If he’d been a normal guy — engineer, Realtor, manager, contractor — I wouldn’t have put up with the junk he threw at me.

    The Academy-Award winner was similar. His accomplishment overrode telling signs that this man wasn’t for me. But I was enthralled with the prospect of attending private screenings and Oscar night with him. I told myself, “I deserve someone who is at the top of his field,” even though he’d earned the award as part of a stellar team, not an individual effort, and that was over 10 years ago.

    Luckily, I’ve not always fed my ego and blinded my assessment by the status of my dates. I wasn’t beguiled by the former professional football player, ex pro basketball player, high-tech exec, CEO, lawyer, or venture capitalist.

    Sometimes I wish I didn’t know a man’s accomplishments or profession until I know him better. It is difficult to mask, however, because many list it in their profile or mention it in early communications. I’ve considered asking a man not to tell me for a while and see if I like him for who he is, not what he is. But now they are intertwined.

    It would be like getting to know someone through only email and phone, then showing up to meet him with you both wearing blindfolds. How different your impressions would be without the visual! You could smell his cologne, feel his hand and arm, perhaps hug. Would a kiss be more delicious or less if you didn’t know what he looked like?

    Do you find yourself entranced by a man’s profession and accomplishments? If not, how do you set aside whatever status you attribute to it and allow the man’s characteristics to show through?

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  • He wants romance; you want friendship

    One of the hardest parts of dating is when one of you is interested romantically in the other, but it’s not reciprocated. Whether you’re on the giving or receiving end of “Let’s just be friends,” it’s never easy to deal with. Here’s my most recent trial with this situation.

    Two years ago, we dated for 6 weeks. We parted amicably after I told him I wasn’t “the one,” which, by implication meant he wasn’t my “one.” We’ve kept in contact as each of us went into and out of relationships, but never rekindling our romantic relationship. We’d email, talk on the phone, have an occasional dinner and movie, or I’d join him for a play or function. While each time I had a nice time, it cemented that I’d made the right decision not to see him romantically, as he had too many habits that drove me batty.

    Friday, he asked me to attend a high-end business dinner that night. When we discussed the invitation, I made it clear I would be happy to attend as his escort, not his date. The distinction may be slim, but I wanted it understood that I had no romantic interest.

    We had a great dinner and conversation with the dozen others present. Several couples assumed we were an item and invited us to dinner at their homes or on an outing. I didn’t decline nor accept.

    I purposefully didn’t flirt with or touch my pal, as I didn’t want to send any mixed messages. My attending this event was a friend doing a favor for another friend, just as I’d ask a male buddy to be my escort at an important business function.

    On the way home we discussed some business challenges he was facing. I was fine giving him a free consultation. I liked that we kept the focus on business the whole time.

    The following morning, I wrote him a brief thank-you email for inviting me to the event and introducing me to such interesting people. His response included:

    “You are one very special woman that I appreciate. Last night I watched very carefully how you worked the room. Most who you contacted were very impressed and I can tell. This made me very proud.

    “Frankly, I want you to be more than a friend. Sorry to be so blunt and unromantic however this is what I feel. For a long list of legitimate reasons I think we could make it as a couple, as lovers, as support mechanisms, as great companionship, as world travelers, and have fun to boot. I am serious. I know what I want.”

    Drat! I had worked so hard to not give off any false signs that I may be interested in reviving our romantic relationship.

    What do you think — can former lovers be pals? What if one wants to be lovers again and the other doesn’t? Have you ever made this work?

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