Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Blog

  • Men and Zen

    buddhaMy beau du jour is a vegetarian Buddhist who plays guitar professionally in two reggae bands. Additionally, he holds down a day job, and runs his own small business after hours.

    Needless to say, we have interesting conversations. Our first encounter was a hot chocolate date, since neither of us drink coffee. Over frothy cocoa we discussed Buddhist tenets and philosophy, karma, and reggae vs. R&B music. We compared notes on how to bring a loving and accepting spirit to dating and our businesses. Not the normal first-date conversation. I was drawn to him because of the depth of his thinking, reading and conversation.

    Rabbit HoleOur second date, we rented the sequel to “What the Bleep Do We Know!?,” called “Down the Rabbit Hole.” On our third date he brought a book on consciousness that we read together and discussed the concepts.

    This man is different than any of the other 67. Rarely have I discussed with a date the concepts of karma, letting go of suffering, predetermination vs. self-determination, evil vs. sickness.

    A Buddhist belief is actions have consequences, and so far his actions have drawn me to him. Buddhists view nothing as fixed or permanent, so I don’t have the expectation that this relationship will be forever. They also understand that change is possible, so while I won’t try to change him, I’ll see how our relationship shifts as we get to know each other better.

    The best news is that if one of us decides not to continue our dating, there will be no drama. We both agree that whatever is is, and if one of us does not see a future together, then that is what is so. And if we do continue to date, I would expect he wouldn’t complain about anything, as he believes in accepting whatever is as perfect. So I can get away with pretty much anything. 🙂

    But, no, I won’t press my luck.

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,

  • Him or someone better

    Do you know the prayer, “This or something better”? It is commonly used when you are awaiting some good news — a new job, new client, offer on a new home, college acceptance.

    Sometimes I’ve wished that it will work out with a new guy and he will be “the one.” He seems great in so many ways. But we’re just starting to date so don’t know how it might turn out.

    I’m tempted to wish he is “the one.” If I hang onto that desire too strongly, I become nearly obsessed waiting for his calls, imagining our life together, planning the wedding, etc. — after only a few dates.

    So to get past this yearning, I’ve started practicing an adaptation of the prayer. My verson is “Let him be the one, or someone better.” So if he is not the one (which is how it’s worked out so far), there is plenty of room for “someone better” (as in a better fit for me) to come along.

    Try it the next time you seem besotted with someone in the early stages of the relationship. Let me know how it works for you.

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,

  • Sleepover do’s and don’ts

    “Sleepover? For adults?” you may be asking. “What do you mean?”

    Two-person pajama party. Duo slumber party. Couple cuddle fest. Jammie jam. No-sex sleepover. It can happen early in the relationship. You’re not ready to have sex, so you only cuddle and snooze with your new sweetie all night.

    Sleepovers are living on the edge. There is potential danger. You have to trust the guy enough to know he won’t force you to do anything you don’t want to do. I’m not advocating them, however, I know they happen. I’ll share some guidelines if you decide it is right for you.

    When are sleepovers likely to happen? When you’ve been out on a date until late. Your date brings you home, but is exhausted and has a long drive ahead, or has had a tad too much to drink so is uncomfortable driving. Coffee would barely make a dent in his alertness. He’s been a gentleman in every encounter with you. You haven’t had to reel him in. He’s shown he is trustworthy through his actions and words. He’s honored your boundaries.

    One option is for him to sleep in the guest room or on the couch. But know that if there are sparks between you, one of you may join the other before morning. More often sleepovers are in the same bed.

    How tos:

    • Explain he can stay, but there will be no sex of any kind. Some people have Clintonian definitions of sex, so be clear you mean no sex.
    • pajamasClothing is not optional. At minimum, undies must stay on, in their proper place (around one’s knees does not count as “on,” although technically they are on your body). Ideally, you both wear — and keep on — something non-sexy, e.g., t-shirts and sweat pants, pajamas — tops and bottoms. Flannel or cotton, not silk or satin. The less exposed skin the better, so avoid camisoles. I’m not meaning to sound prudish, but you want to be uninviting in this situation. Don’t don your frilly, see-through negligee for a sleepover. Save it for later. It will only invite trouble.
    • Expect there will be some “exploration” — unless you have a bundling board. It is hard for two attracted people to keep their hands off each other. So verbalize your boundaries and if his hand “slips” reinforce what’s OK by moving it as well as restating your boundary. If this “slippage” happens more than a couple of times, kick him out.
    • You have to stick to your own rules. You can’t change midway and say, “You feel so good, let’s have sex.” You are then sending mixed messages and he won’t want to honor your limits in the future because he won’t think you’re serious about them.
    • Don’t be a temptress to test his mettle. It is hard enough for two people to lie together, so don’t let your hand “slip” to a sensitive zone, nor engage in passionate kissing or other provocative behaviors. You are putting him in a double bind and most mortals would not pass the test. Don’t do this.

    So with all these rules, why do it? And why wouldn’t you?

    The pros:

    • You confirm you can trust him to honor your wishes. If you can trust him in the face of temptation, it will deepen the relationship.
    • There is something delicious about sleeping intertwined with someone you care about.

    The cons:

    • You may not get a lot of sleep. Sleeping with someone new takes some getting used to. It’s easy to wake when he turns. He may snore. Sleeping with your head on his chest may sound romantic, but it can create neck pain.
    • He will be there in the morning, when you’ll have morning breath, possibly a hangover, and sans makeup. You may also have to share bathroom time before work, find him a toothbrush and razor, make him breakfast.

    Sleepovers are really a matter of trust. For a sleepover to be successful you have to have clearly defined boundaries and confidence in your and his ability to respect them. Be firm in your rules. Don’t waffle. When pajama parties work, they are a delicious way to deepen your relationship.

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,

  • I’m glad dating is hard

    I bet you’re thinking, “That’s an odd approach.” At first blush, it sounds incongruent. But let me explain.

    My dear friend, the late Art Berg, was one of the best motivational speakers in the world until his death at age 39 in 2002. He wrote several books, was named 1992 Young Entrepreneur of the Year by the Small Business Administration, and Success magazine featured him as one of the Great Comeback’s of the Year. “Come back from what?” you may ask.

    In 1983, 21-year-old Art broke his neck in a serious automobile accident, leaving him a quadriplegic. His story isArt playing rugby inspiring of his recovery and subsequent ability to become a world-class wheelchair athlete enjoying a variety of sports, including full-contact wheelchair rugby (like those in the movie “Murderball“) and ultra marathon cyclist. But that is not what he shared from the platform to his audiences.

    Art Berg on stageIn his keynote speeches, he shared his life as a SCUBA-diving, ATV-riding, RV-driving adventurer, husband and father of two. But one of his most inspiring stories was not told on the lecture circuit. His sharing it made an impact on my life, and I now apply the lesson to my life, including dating.

    When in the hospital recovering from the accident he had to make decisions that would affect the rest of his life. One of the choices was the kind of wheelchair he would use. He could have a motorized one, which the doctors highly recommended because of his limited hand functions, or a hand-powered one. Art insisted on the latter. Why? Because he knew that if he chose the motorized one it would be too easy for him to get complacent — in his words, lazy. He knew the workout the hand-powered chair provided would keep his arms strong, hands flexible and internal organs functioning. A major problem for quadriplegics, he said, was their internal organs atrophied because of lack of exercise.

    This is just one example of his mantra, “Be grateful that life is hard.” “Hard” in terms of wheelchair power would keep him vigorous, active, healthy and alive a lot longer.

    But he went further in living this philosophy. He said that his accident was the best thing that ever happened to him. Why? RavensBecause it forced him to face his inner demons, to push himself past what he thought were his limits, to become the man that the Baltimore Ravens adopted as theirSuperBowl ring spiritual good luck charm the year they won the SuperBowl. (He proudly wore the SuperBowl ring they gave to him for being such a key part of their team.)

    He told me that he would not have become the man he did, nor would he have accomplished all that he had, if life were not hard. He had to dig for inner strength when he insisted on dressing himself the first time after his accident. It took 4 hours. He was adamant about SCUBA diving with his family. He even drove his family’s RV and piloted their motor boat. He took his family on cruises and played with them on the beach. Very little slowed this man down. You or I might have seen roadblocks, but Art said they were just challenges he’d figure a way around.

    So what does this do with dating? Dating is hard. It requires courage to date. Rejection stings. You have to risk getting your heart — and ego — bruised. You have to be willing to spend an hour getting “dated up” so you look good on a first date, then you discover within 10 minutes the guy isn’t a good fit. But if you want to live your life to the fullest and find your love match, not letting the setbacks force you to swear off dating, you have to keep going. Going out, that is. Dating.

    Art continued living fully after his accident. He didn’t give up. He could have and no one would have judged him poorly for it. His life would have been much easier if he chose the motorized wheelchair. But he knew it would be better for him if he took the hard path, not the easy one.

    Art Berg's bookIf he had given up, the world would have missed hearing this remarkable man’s stories of his life and lessons. He was an exemplar for the rest of us to stop whining about what isn’t working in our lives and just live fully — and be appreciative for every part of it, good and bad. He died so early, legions of people won’t hear his funny stories and sage wisdom. But hundreds of thousands did hear him in person or on video, and his books are still available from his web site.

    So next time you think, “Dating is hard,” be grateful. If you are consciously dating, looking for the presents, appreciating the treasures, and noting the lessons you’re learning about yourself, you will appreciate that the toughness is making you a stronger, better person. If you begin to get discouraged, think of how Art might approach the situation. He is still a motivater, however now it’s from heaven instead of from stage.

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,

  • Build a relationship bridge one strand at a time

    bridgeWhen beginning to date someone you like, your shared experiences connect you together. You’re building a relationship bridge.

    Each experience creates small strands of the bridge’s supporting cables. The laughs, smiles, gentle touches, kisses, phone calls, emails, and kindnesses are spun into stronger cord. As time goes on, the cord is twisted into rope, then cable. The more threads of positive experience, the stronger the eventual cable which helps keep the relationship bridge suspended.

    However, when there are copper cabledisappointments, harsh words, or forgotten promises, the threads become frayed. The strain begins to unravel those caringly created cords. They can be repaired, but only with consciousness and thoughtfulness. If left in disrepair, other strands will break and the bridge will be lost.

    I ponder why a guy would ignore me for a month (or several) then call and expect to pick up where we left off. I wonder if he has any idea how my connection to him hangs by a thread — or perhaps has been severed entirely. Or how tenuous the strand is with the guy who calls regularly but makes little effort to see me. Yes, he’s adding strings by calling, but not nearly as quickly or strongly as when we see each other.

    What are relationship-building threads for you? What are the little things that add to the bridge or break it down?

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,

  • “I want to respect me in the morning”

    You know the old ploy of a guy wanting you to sleep with him. He says, “I’ll respect you in the morning.”

    But what about you? Will you respect you in the morning if you allow yourself to be seduced?

    A while ago, a man I’d dated a few times tried to get me to allow him to stay overnight, promising we’d “just cuddle.” While part of me was tempted, I knew how I’d felt in the past when I’d given in to such requests, as cuddling, even clothed, can easily lead beyond.

    So I had the presence of mind to respond, “I’m sure you’d respect me in the morning. But I want to respect me then, too. So we’re not going to spend the night together tonight.”

    He couldn’t cajole his way around that, so we went our separate ways that night. And it was true — I did respect myself more for stating my boundary and sticking to it.

    What do you need to respect yourself in the morning? Be clear on your limits so when you are tempted to waffle, you hold the line. Think about how you want to feel about you — not how you want him to feel about you — and your choices will be much easier to make.

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,

  • Cultivate and appreciate your band of brothers

    “The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other’s life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof.”—Richard Bach, Messiah’s Handbook

    I have a gaggle of guys who are like brothers. You probably have some male friends like that, too. My chosen chums have become closer to me than my real brother.

    My buds have stuck with me through my dating adventures. Some want to hear how it went after I meet a new guy. Some help me understand the male perspective when I’m flummoxed. Others provide a comforting shoulder to cry on after a particularly painful encounter.

    Most are protective. They tell me to warn a suitor that if he does me wrong, he’ll have to deal with my bro. Some want to check out any new potential long-term love to make sure he’s good enough for me and will treat me right. I was touched when my exes’ brother called him on the carpet after leaving me. His own brother lambasted him for letting me go! How cool is that?

    So I feel I’m not in this dating game alone. Yes, I have gobs of gal pals who provide counsel as well as solace. But knowing you have male compadres who are looking out for you gives you peace of mind.

    If you don’t have a bevy of buds, perhaps some would step to the plate if you asked their opinion on something. I’ve been amazed at how friendly aquaintences have become comrads just by my asking them about how men think. They are flattered you asked and can become a cheerleader and confidant.

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,

  • Being present to the presents

    gift 2My nearly divorced 48-year-old neighbor said she was inspired by my philosophy expressed in this blog. She asked how I could still be positive and upbeat after going out with 68 men, none of whom was “the one.”

    I told her my philosophy is “never a wasted evening.” In my dating journey, I’ve met some wonderful men, had some great times, lots of laugher, and some memorable activities. I’ve experienced some close connections. I reawakened some feelings I thought were buried from the painful divorce. I’ve learned a lot about myself and about men.

    And even the less-than-stellar dates — and the very few bad dates — had a lesson attached. From one, the posting “Signs he won’t be asking for a second date” was spawned, which is one of my most looked at entries. Even “Date was a losing bet” birthed a funny story which amuses my friends and was a good lesson for me and others. Many first dates end in ambivalence, thus a posting on that. And I’ve learned to spot deal breakers quickly, so wrote “First-date red flags that this guy isn’t for you.”

    My friend pointed out that these lessons took consciousness on my part. They weren’t merely funny stories where I could easily bash men and label the guy a loser. (She noted that I don’t use that term, even with the guy who dumped me after 10 minutes, or other examples of uncouth behaviors.)

    She said she was amazed how present I am during the date to notice what’s happening, my feelings about it, and analyze what is or isn’t working. This is what psychologists call a “participant observer” perspective. It’s the ability to take note of what’s going on with and around you while you’re in the activity, then articulate and analyze it afterward, melding subjectivity with objectivity. It’s a skill I honed studying psychology and social psychology in college.

    To me, this is a key to dating positively. Dating is a vehicle to explore what I want and don’t want, what I do that makes a date a success or not, what a man does or doesn’t do that draws me to him or pushes me away. Without the presence to see the lessons, I just walk away feeling, “I like him” or not. No discernment about what I like or don’t, so no way to look for the traits I like in a future guy, or avoid what I don’t like.

    giftLook for the gifts — the presents — in all your encounters during the dating process. Starting with the first contact, emails, phone calls, face-to-face meetings, touching, kissing, etc., just notice how you feel and what’s going on. You may want to log what works for you and what doesn’t, and add these items to your boyfriend job description.

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,

  • A face perfect for radio

    ratioI’m sure you’ve heard that old insult. Well, after seeing myself on the Greg Behrendt Show the other day, I feel I have a face perfect for radio. Or newspaper. Perhaps telegraph. Just not TV.

    Before the show Hollywood makeup and hair artists worked their magic on me. Still the sags and bags were pronounced. As I watched the tape, I wondered what man would ever agree to coffee, let alone a subsequent date. I pondered a second mortgage for a face lift.

    Does this happen to you? You’re grammed up: full makeup, good hair day, a flattering frock. Someone snaps a pic. When you see it you think, “Who is that old/chubby frump? And why is she wearing my outfit and sitting where I sat?”

    Then it hits you: your self image is different — sometimes very different — than how others see you. Sometimes this is a good thing, as it helps you have more confidence if you think you’re looking good. And that poise, in fact, helps you appear more attractive.

    Sometimes you feel you look worse than others see you. Your self esteem doesn’t match your outer appearance.

    In dating, how you feel about yourself is sometimes affected by the reaction you get from your dates. If they continually shun you, you can begin to feel unappealing. And if you feel unattractive, no matter how many times your dates say you’re beautiful, you won’t believe them.

    I’ve been lucky as I’ve had more guys tell me I’m attractive than snub me. And even though when I smile the bags under my eyes grow gigantic, a smile is attractive on nearly everyone. But after seeing myself on camera, I wonder how any man could find my looks appealing. (I’ve seen myself on camera many times, but as one ages, the flaws are more distinct.)

    My lesson: If you get a picture of yourself that is unflattering, don’t linger on it. If you want to keep it as a memento of a special moment with people you love, great. If not, throw it away (or trim it and save the images you want in the pic). If there’s an unbecoming video, just file it in the back of the closet.

    However, if you look maaaaaavelous, put the photo where you can remind yourself you are appealing, especially after those dates where you got a chilly reception. Know that the man who is right for you will find you irresistible, and if a guy doesn’t find you alluring, it’s just not a match. Nothing personal. Next!

    (You may also want to read my posting, Don’t think you are damaged goods.)

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,

  • Knight and day

    knightHow many women have said they want a “knight in shining armor”? Well, I found one. Literally. His after-work life involves teaching historical swordplay and leather craft. He often gives dueling demonstrations at Renaissance faires.

    He introduced himself by email the other day. (I wonder if it’s hard to type while wearing metal gloves. Maybe I should say he chain-mailed me.)

    He’s also called me twice. (Must be fun to see an armor-wearing, sword-wielding guy on a cell phone.) We jested about jousting and how he could pun in his classes: “Do you get my point?” “This one will slay you.”

    He seems to be on a crusade to woo me. (Will our first date be at Round Table? Will he pick me up on a whitequeen horse?) I think I would like being referred to as “M’Lady” and being treated like a queen. His bowing when I enter the room might get old, but I should try it before I decide.

    If we move in together, would we buy Costco-sized armor polish? And just how does one launder a codpiece? In a cold, warm or delicate cycle? Would we get a giant circular table for when his knight-friends visited?

    It might be fun to live in a castle, although I rarely see castles in the local real estate listings. Would you have to get a variance for a moat?

    A modern-day Lancelot has allure, but there would be some barriers (hopefully not hot-oil filled ones). While he has a ready-made Halloween costume, I just don’t have the wardrobe to accompany a knight — by day or night. If we were invited to a suit-required event, would I have to specify, “Not the metal one”?

    sword fightIt would be comforting to know I’d be out with a man who would fight (and no doubt win) if my honor was impugned. But I just don’t see myself hanging out at duels. Could I bring my laptop and would there be a wireless connection?

    It seems we are fond of different centuries. Perhaps I’ll let this one pass. Or I might just have an ale with him to see if he’s as sharp as his sword.

    If it didn’t work out, I have my exit line ready: “Good knight, good luck”!

    Technorati Tags: dating Internet, dating online, senior dating, bbw dating, mature dating, dating over 50, dating over 40, online dating advice

  • Dating is like a box of chocolates

    Forrest GumpWith apologies to Forrest Gump’s momma (and author Winston Groom), dating is like a box of chocolates. And the rest of the quote is correct too, “You never know what you’re gonna get.”

    I’ve written about how dating is like Baskin-Robbins, house hunting, plant care and shopping, and men are like shoes. And I have a few more metaphors to explore.

    chocolatesBut it struck me recently — while nibbling on a box of chocolates — how similar the two can be. And was Momma (Winston) ever so right — you never know what you’re gonna get.

    See if you agree with my comparisons.

    • GodivaI love receiving a box of chocolate, whether Godiva, Ethel M, See’s, Russell Stover, or a boutique brand. But the box sets the tone. Godiva and other top brands realize the importance of their packaging. I am drawn to a man who is packaged (dresses) well, too.
    • I want my favorites first, whether chocolate or men. If I receive several invitations for an evening or weekend, I say “yes” to my favorite guy, begging off with the other(s), saving them for another day.
    • When partaking of a preferred chocolate piece, I savor it slowly and carefully, nibbling daintily, relishing every morsel. When with a favorite man, I enjoy every moment. I’m present to everything I see, taste, touch, hear and smell. I don’t want our time together to end.
    • Before assorted-chocolate boxes came with a “key” to the flavors, my mother pinched each piece to see what was inside. That is equivalent to reading a guy’s online profile, exchanging a few emails, and then talking on the phone. Before you commit to an experience with him, you want to know a little about what’s inside.
    • choc. covered cherryJust like chocolates, some men are nutty, others crunchy, and some have soft, gooey centers. (Some are even liqueur filled!) And like chocolate-covered cherries, some guys are just too sweet, becoming cloying and saccharine.
    • With a new brand of chocolates — without that important “key” — you have no idea what you’re getting. So you have to take a risk and try a little nibble. You may be pleasantly surprised to find a new taste treat in an unknown shape. Sometimes coffee (a nibble) with a new guy will reveal a treasure in someone you might not have thought you’d like. (See my postings on “Yummy is as yummy does” and “Treasure found.”)
    • I delight when I reopen the box discovering a favorite is still there. When contacted by a sweetie I thought was gone, I’m equally pleased. As long as I’m not expecting him to be my full-time, long-term, only love, I relish our time together.
    • I don’t like to share good chocolates — or good men. When I find something/someone delectable, I don’t want to share. Call me selfish, but I want it/him all to myself.
    • Sometimes, but rarely, I overdose on too much of a good thing. If I gorge on scrumptious chocolate, I get a tummy ache. Sometimes if I indulge by spending a lot of time with a yummy guy, his foibles surface and he’s less desirable. Best to ration our time together so it’s always delicious.
    • Expensive chocolate can be heavenly. But so can Hershey’s or Dove. Men don’t have to be rich to be appreciated. But rich men, like expensive chocolate, often come in more enticing wrappings.
    • DregWhat happens when you get to the dregs — the pieces you’re not that fond of? With chocolates, I salvage as much as I can, usually gnawing the chocolate coating around a center I don’t like. There is always something salvageable. While rarely has a date gone sour, some have been at the far end of the desirable scale. But there is always a lesson for me, even with dates that end less than deliciously.
    • When the box is empty, I am sad, but know my favorites are abundantly available with a mouse click. I can order more whenever the whim hits. When my dating pipeline has thinned, I log onto my online dating site and shop for a new favorite or two.

    (Alert reader Barbara McNichol sent me to CocoaBella Chocolates‘ website which allows you to customize a box of chocolates. The site automatically saves each box you create, so reordering is easy. See my posting “Building your Franken-boyfriend” for my thoughts on doing this with a boyfriend.)

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,