Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Tag: Dating after 40

  • Virtually falling for a guy

    I mean “virtually” two ways:

    1. As the dictionary defines it: “nearly, almost” as in not really; and
    2. Via the computer and/or phone; not face to face.

    My neighbor and I were once again comparing dating notes. She’s dipped her toe in the dating water a bit the last 6 months, going out with a handful of men. Currently, she is emailing two men she met through Chemistry.com. Both are interesting, intelligent, witty, and engaging. She finds the email veil allows her to get to know their personalities without the distraction of determining if she is physically attracted to either one.

    However, while it is important to enjoy getting to know how a guy thinks and communicates — at least in writing — we all know that it takes more than discourse to create a love interest.

    I have fallen for guys because of their emails or then through their phone calls only to have the attraction dissipate when meeting face to face. Sometimes it is my not finding them appealing, or they have irritating habits that quickly surface. Or they are not drawn to me, or I have some twitch that sends them packing.

    Scotish castleA Kansas-based friend of mine communicated with a man in Scotland via email, then in nightly hour-long VOIP conversations. They even frequently sent care packages to each other. After six months, he took 2 weeks vacation to come meet her. Because of his limited funds, he asked if he could crash on her couch in the small 2-bedroom, 1-bath house she shared with her 2 daughters.

    Although they had exchanged pictures, of course the 3-dimensional person looked different than either expected. But because they had built up a bond through the ether, they were at least not repulsed. However, as each day of his visit progressed, she became less and less enamored with him. Since this 38-year-old man lived with his parents, he didn’t bother to pick up his wet towels from her bathroom floor, nor help with any dinner preparation or clean up. After dinner, his rear became wedged in her recliner while she and the girls cleaned up. Other irritating, self-absorbed habits quickly emerged so she was ready to send him packing in less than a week. The “real” Scot was quite different than the “virtual” one.

    If he isn’t in person as you’d hoped, it’s easy to think that all the time you spent communicating with a guy is wasted. Perhaps you are honest and say, “I’ve really liked how we communicated these last few weeks, but I’m not feeling the spark to think we have a romantic connection. Would you be willing for us to remain in contact as friends?” Many men see this as the kiss of death and may say “yes” but not initiate nor respond to any contact in the future.

    During those weeks of emailing, you have, no doubt, enjoyed yourself, so it was a form of entertainment. And you may have learned something about yourself as you responded to his questions. Maybe he asked, “Who do you think the best US president was?” and you hadn’t really thought about it. You spend a little time ruminating before you respond, then are pleased with your answer and supporting arguments. You’ve uncovered something you didn’t know about yourself!

    And of course, maybe he’ll accept your invitation — or offer his own — to be your pal. I keep in touch with over a dozen guys I went out with who are now my pals and I treasure each of them. So even if you have the attitude that you don’t need any more friends, don’t totally discard an interesting guy so quickly, even if there is no romantic spark. And you never know when a romantic spark may be kindled once you get to know each other’s hearts better.

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  • Don’t send flowers with a kiss-off email

    I heard about a service called DumpADate.com. Their tag line is “When it’s time to dump your date.”

    dead flowersNow I think this is a dumb concept. It offers a service where you can email or write your intended ex-sweetie and they will deliver the message. What, picking up the phone, writing your own email or sending your own letter is too hard? Give me a break!

    But, they say, you can attempt to soften the blow by sending some flowers with the message. Can we say “add salt to the wound,” “add insult to injury” or just “lame”? It’s bad enough that your former beau didn’t have the courage to tell you himself, but he sends flowers with his “have a nice life” message? Talk about mixed messages!

    Their site says:

    We suggest that life is short, so why not ask yourself the following questions.

    • Are you questioning your relationships future?
    • Do you just wish to be a friend?
    • Do you think it is time to move on?
    • Would you like to give it one more try?
    • Is there someone you know who just doesn’t get the message?

    And you can send a private and personal voice message. They say:

    • Do you know someone who simply just isn’t getting the message?
    • Do you want to say exactly what you think, in private, and without a confrontation?
    • Do you wish to say something to someone privately, but can not or do not, wish to be there in person?

    They add:

    Our website is filled with flower and gift selections for any stage of a relationship, and for all occasions. We are here for you whether the sun is rising in your relationship or beginning to set on the horizon.

    I know a few days ago I recommended GrandCentral.com for private voice mail, but I was just kidding when I suggested you could leave a personal email to someone you wanted to stop seeing. These people, however, are serious!

    I think this is a sad commentary on how a business has sprung up to serve those who are too cowardly to break up respectfully.

    Got a topic on dating after 40 you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.

  • Think of dating like the movie “Groundhog Day”

    Groundhog DayRemember the hilarious 1993 film “Groundhog Day”? Poor Bill Murray‘s character, Phil Connors, repeats the same day — Feb. 2, Groundhog Day — over and over and over again. But he’s aware that he’s reliving it so he begins to do different things each day, at first hedonistically, then he begins to reexamine his life and priorities. He’s sweet on Andie MacDowell‘s character, Rita, so begins to learn what she likes, then woos her by pretending to like the same things until she falls for him.

    It struck me the other day — not on Feb. 2 — that dating is an opportunity to do your own “Groundhog Day” with a twist. Instead of reliving the same situation with the same date, you have an opportunity to try something new with each guy.

    For example, you decided you weren’t straightforward enough with the last guy you went out with. You realized you should have been more clear with him about what you were looking for (e.g., a long-term relationship vs. casual dating). You two never went beyond his always calling you at the last minute for a movie and dinner. That guy is gone, so now you get a chance to do it differently next time.

    With each successive guy, or even experience with the same guy, you have a chance to reflect on what worked and what didn’t work, then to behave differently the next time. If it’s with the same guy, you can see how your new behavior is received and whether the outcome is what you want or not. Just like Bill Murray’s character, you can see how these new actions work and make adjustments for the next time.

    If it’s a new guy, you can watch how your new approach works. Since every guy is different, the new behavior may work fine with one but not another. For example, if your fresh approach is to disclose on the first encounter your aforementioned purpose in dating, one guy may think it’s great you are so clear and share that he, too, is looking for a long-term love, not a casual activity partner. Another may be impressed by your clarity, but share he has different needs. And another may be so threatened by your assertiveness that you never hear from him again. Good! You’ve now learned that your new behavior works to get rid of those who are threatened by you and attract those who say they want similar things. This works so well, you decide to bring it up in the pre-meeting phone conversation so those who don’t want something similar are weeded out.

    So look at dating life as a way to have your own personal continuous improvement program. Just as businesses are constantly looking at how to improve their processes and therefore their results, you have a grand opportunity to do this for your personal life. Look at it as a live training ground for you and use every opportunity to examine your own behaviors and outcomes and make adjustments the next time you’re with a date.

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  • Phone number screens dating callers for you

    GrandCentralMy friend Doug alerted me to a new service he thought would be perfect for daters (no, he’s not representing the company). It’s called GrandCentral.com.

    It allows you to have a free phone number in any area code you want. You can give it to guys you meet online or in person and there’s no way to trace the number back to your name or address. Additionally, you set it to forward to the phone(s) you want: cell, home, work. You can even set it to forward to a different phone depending on the time of day so you don’t get dating calls at work.

    You can screen your calls or block callers you don’t want to talk to. You can listen in on people leaving voice mail before taking the call. Sounds perfect for avoiding stalkers or those who are obtuse. For guys who don’t really understand “I don’t want to see you anymore,” now you don’t have to change your number.

    It lets you have different messages for different callers. “Yes, Steve, my sweet patootie, I’d love to have dinner with you Sunday.” “No, Dash, it’s too little too late, so please don’t call again.” “No Robin, calling me at 10:00 p.m. to ask if you can bring over a DVD screams ‘bootie call’ and I’m not interested.”

    Which reminds me of this message, reported to be on someone’s answer machine, forwarded from my friend Paulette Ensign (The Booklet Queen).

    “I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.”

    If you are out of the US (like DG readers Gatti, Cat and ER), you can get a US number if you’re Skypecommunicating with folks in the US, then hear your voice mails from the GrandCentral web site. If you want to talk to the person real time, you can always use Skype for pennies per minute.

    If you’re interested, now during the beta period they are offering goodies to try the service. You can have unlimited inbound minutes, unlimited voicemail, and all premium features, including call record. You can check voice mail from a phone or the web site.

    I contacted the owners and they said they’d give DG readers a $5 credit on outbound calling.  You can then return calls directly from your voice mail or from the site while displaying your GrandCentral caller ID and keeping your phone number private. But for GrandCentral to know you’re one of my readers and get the $5 credit, you need to use the code “DatingGoddess” in the promotion code field on the sign up page.

    If Match.com, Yahoo! Personals, JDate and other sites were savvy, they’d have this service as part of their package. It would eliminate many of those jitters of “Do I trust him enough to give him my number?”

    I signed up for the beta. If you do, too, let me know what you think.

    Got a topic on dating after 40 you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.

  • It’s moving day!

    Lately, some DG readers have shared their unwillingness to move on from a love gone sour. Sometimes they know they need to, but can’t seem to cut that last emotional thread that leaves them feeling debilitated and unable to get on with their lives. Others seem to relish wallowing in retelling how the last guy did them wrong and how all men are immature liars and jerks.

    Neither of these points of view are helping you get what you want — assuming you truly want someone who is good, kind, mature and respectful. Your point of view, and recounting it over and over and over, is repelling others. If it isn’t, you’re attracting men who commiserate about how his last love was a liar, cheat, etc. So you both are entering a potential relationship with a lot of negativity, not to mention suspicion. How hard is it to overcome someone’s preconceived notion that the other gender is full of immature liars, which, by the way, they think you may be, too? They are on the lookout for anything that resembles the last person’s immaturity, even though they may be misinterpreting your behavior. It’s a vicious cycle.

    So, in the interest of all DG readers’ good mental health, I declare today as

    Moving dayMoving Day!

    Move on from those past hurts. Yes, grieving is something all of us need to go through, but have you been using grieving as an excuse a bit too long? Now, rather than it being a healthy part of ending a relationship, has it lingered so it is now so much of who you are you wouldn’t know how to describe yourself without a “the last guy did me wrong” story in there?

    Let it go!

    The next time you’re swapping relationship history with a gal pal or new guy, exercise self restraint and just say the last guy and you “didn’t work out” or you two “wanted different things.” That’s it. No elaboration needed.

    If you have remaining physical items that remind you negatively of him, get rid of them. Throw or give them away. When my ex left, one of the first things I did was take down the gallery of our wedding pictures from the wall and put them in a box in the closet. Nearly all pictures of him were put away. If you need to rip up his photos or set them afire to feel closure, go for it (safely, of course). That lamp he gave you that you never really liked? Goodwill. That sweater he bought you but you felt it was too tight? Salvation Army. Get boxes for these things, as it is truly moving day! You are moving into the next great part of your life.

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  • “Date #75 requests permission to land”

    Passing the airport the other day, my friend Ken noticed the many planes lined up for miles awaiting their turn to approach the runway. He said he immediately thought of my always having an endless stream of potential suitors lined up in various stages of “landing” a date with me.

    Plane — let’s playIt’s true that I am never long without someone knocking on my fuselage, I mean email door, wanting to make contact. The value of having guys lined up is I don’t linger over love gone sour. Much the same as when I miss a flight, there is nearly always another one ready to take off within a short period.

    Just as some of the planes in queue may have to circle in a holding pattern if the runway is busy, so too a potential paramour may have to wait his turn if I’m besotted with someone else at the moment. Of course, just like an air traffic controller, I can deftly juggle several flights at once.

    And similar to when a pilot may have difficulty landing in severe weather or with wind shear, sometimes too, a first date can be shaky. It takes a confident, experienced pilot to safely maneuver in unfamiliar conditions, like a first date with someone he barely knows.

    PlaneIf the landing is too rocky and uncomfortable — unnerving even — then I quickly disembark and wish the pilot well as he takes off on his next journey without me. So, too, with rocky dates — I know this man is not for me, so bid him good luck and say bon voyage.

    And sometimes I choose to just hang out in the terminal, or no one is in a landing pattern. That’s fine, as I busy myself reading, calling friends, writing my next book or blog entry, viewing a DVD or just people watching. A favorite game is picking out potential boyfriends from the airport crowd, deciding who I’d want to go out with.

    Then pretty soon I hear a new pilot saying, “DG’s Date #75 requests permission to land.” And the next adventure begins.

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  • Romancing the media on Valentine’s Day

    After my posting yesterday on “You are loved!” I certainly felt the love from many sources, including an unexpected one — the media! So excuse me, dear readers, but allow me to share my excitement.

    Wall Street JournalThe Wall Street Journal quoted me in an article, “High-Tech Breakups Are Quick But Inflict a Special Pain; Getting Even on ihateher.com” by Jeffrey Zaslow. Jeff talked about how breaking up via text messages has become more common among younger folks and asked if it was prevalent among midlife daters. Some are even posting their break up stories on MySpace and in their blogs.

    He said:

    This trend in public revelations “may feel cathartic, but it’s inappropriate,” says [Dating Goddess], who lectures and runs a Web site for singles older than age 40. She says ex-bashing blogs and text-messaged breakups aren’t limited to young people. Mature singles and divorced people also use the Internet to write defamatory things about their exes. “It’s a signal of how self-focused we’ve become,” [she] says.

    In the world of publicity, the Wall Street Journal is up there with Oprah! And while I appeared on Oprah years ago, it was not on this topic. Who knows, maybe she’ll call again!

    Lloyd JacksonThis article sparked a producer from ABC Radio/WJR/Detroit to set up an interview a few hours later with the charming Lloyd Jackson. We talked on a similar theme, breaking up via text, email or IM. Several callers shared their stories of being on the sending or receiving end of such callus breakups. One caller even said he’d been dumped via fax! Ugh! After I said that was tacky and he deserved a woman who would treat him with respect, he asked me for a date!

    So it was a fun day in the DG world, even though my beau du jour said we’d celebrate “in grand style” this weekend, so I didn’t get a card nor flowers. We’ll see if he comes through. It goes back to the concept of spending the day creating your own fun, as I discussed in “Dateless for Valentine’s?” I certainly had a lot of fun, even without anyone to snuggle with.

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  • The sweet rewards of flirting

    Usually flirting’s rewards are putting a smile on someone else’s face as well as your own, sharing a laugh and connection, enjoying the moment, and sometimes getting a hug, a kiss, or a date. But I’ve just received a new reward for my flirting.

    A few weeks ago I wrote “Flirting with fame — and a radio interviewer” recapping my interview with a fun radio personality and our subsequent email flirting. We’ve been keeping it up since then, emailing several times a week.

    GodivaImagine my delight and surprise to return home Sunday night from a business trip to have a box awaiting from my “e-boyfriend,” as he calls himself. It was a Valentine’s box of Godiva. My kind of man!

    You may be thinking I’ve led this man on, since we’ve never met and barely talked on the phone. No, we’ve shared information about the people we’re both currently dating. He said I’ve been “a fun muse.” He added, “I’ve appreciated your sexy way of approaching life.” He reads this blog, so knows where I’m coming from.

    In “Flirt your heart out” I discussed how to practice flirting. Since then I’ve found “What Social Science can tell you about flirting and how to do it,” a free comprehensive 26-page downloadable report.

    Have you found different rewards to flirting? If so, share them with us.

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  • “Is he blog worthy?”

    When people learn I have a dating blog, they often ask if I blog after each date. I explain that I don’t do date reviews, but I do comment about guys I’m dating or have dated in the context of a lesson. Without real examples, I think this blog would be boring.
    Seinfeld

    So now people who are familiar with my philosophy ask if a guy is “blog worthy.” This references a periodic bit on the Seinfeld TV show where Elaine found a contraceptive she liked, the Today Sponge, that had stopped being produced. In deciding if she would Today spongesleep with a guy she was dating, she asked if he was “sponge-worthy.” Since she had a limited supply of the sponge, she didn’t want to waste any on guys who weren’t going to be good in bed.

    Being “blog worthy” is the equivalent. Readers think that if a guy is blog worthy, he must be significant. Not really. Yes, if I’m enamored with a guy, he will most likely make it into the blog. But really, it has more to do with the lesson I’m writing about and now best to illustrate the lesson with a real-life story. Sometimes the guy I’m dating isn’t a good example for the lesson I want to illustrate. But often times, the boyfriend-of-the-month sparks an epiphany, thus a lesson and blog posting.

    How do you decide if a guy is the equivalent for you of sponge worthy — worth telling your pals about?

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  • The scent of love

    My friend Bruce is convinced that smell has a lot to do with dating attraction. He believes people exude a human pheromone of sorts, functioning as an attractant of the opposite sex. But since pheromone receptors have not yet been found in humans, what scent does attract us?

    perfumeSome women believe perfume is an attractant, so they slather themselves with it. They don’t realize that most men abhor being with a woman who reeks, no matter how expensive the perfume. (Men can go overboard with cologne as well.)

    In the 1992 film Scent of a Woman Al Pacino’s blind character is drawn to the woman he wants to tango with by her smell. This was so powerful, it became the title of the movie.

    I’ve always thought a whiff of a subtle fragrance was appealing. The idea is to emit an alluring aroma that entices my date to get nearer. Once at the end of a first date, my dining companion and I hugged goodbye. When we disengaged, I noticed his eyes were closed and he took a deep whiff. “I love how you smell, ” he whispered.

    I’ve wondered what scents that would be irresistible wafting toward my date’s nose. My ex loved vanilla, so I’d raid the kitchen cabinet and dab a bit behind my ears when I wanted to drive him crazy. Now I’ve come upon a different universally drool-inducing smell that gets most everyone’s attention. But I can’t find it in toilet water form. What is it?

    chocolate chip cookieFresh-baked chocolate chip cookies.

    When you pass a Mrs. Fields store, doesn’t the smell — which is purposefully fanned into the corridors — beckon you, just as the Sirens to Odysseus? Don’t you want to stop and buy, or at the minimum, just enjoy the smell? Most people do.

    So why doesn’t someone package that smell? It would ensure you’d be followed by men — and probably some women — like a fish monger is trailed by cats. Then you wouldn’t have to worry about going to singles bars, speed dating, or online dating sites. You’d have a parade of men following you and you could merely pick and choose from among the masses.

    Of course, you may have trouble shaking the ones you reject. You don’t want to encourage stalkers just because your scent is irresistible. Maybe you could carry a skunk scent aerosol can to spray behind the man/men you’ve chosen, to separate them from the riff raff.

    So, I’ll let you know when I’ve developed eau de chocolate chip cookie. I’m sure you’ll want to buy it by the gallon.

    (Epilogue:  I was at a conference a few days after I posted this and discussed this concept with a male flirt buddy.  He said he’d definately be driven crazy by eau de chocolate chip cookie. Serendipitously, a few minutes later the afternoon break refreshments arrived — chocolate chip cookies. I took one over to him and rubbed it clearly on my neck. He took the bait and started nibbling away — on my neck, not the cookie!)

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  • Dateless for Valentine’s?

    What if you are like many who are dating — without a regular sweetie with whom to celebrate Valentine’s Day? Perhaps you’ve been dating around, but there’s no one who it makes sense to get all lovey dovey with on this, the snuggle fest of holidays.

    DG loves DGSo what’s a gal to do? How about treating yourself as your valentine? What can you do to make yourself feel loved? What do you like to do that you don’t do very often? Common activities that women mention are draw a warm bath, play favorite music, light candles and relax. Or order take out, get in your jammies early and snuggle down with a DVD. Or turn up the stereo and dance to your favorite music.

    Some women take themselves out for the day or evening, but not to places frequented by couples. Is there a new exhibit at the museum you’ve wanted to see? Been wanting to luxuriate with a massage? Haven’t had a facial or pedicure in a while?

    Valentine’s Day is the day to remind yourself what a terrific catch you are. Make a list of all the things you love and appreciate about you. It’s easy to focus on what we don’t like about ourselves. But this is the day to be your own valentine. Write yourself a poem. Put on fresh sheets. Buy your favorite flowers. Fix your favorite meal.

    flowers2mailI find this is also a great time to let others I appreciate know I care about them. So this week I’ve been sending free virtual bouquets from flowers2mail.com to former beaus who I’m still pals with. It’s been fun to get their positive reaction. I’ve also sent these bouquets to gal pals to tell them I’m glad they’re in my life.

    So don’t let it get you down if you don’t have a steady beau in your life to shower you with affection. You already have a steady love — you! Don’t take yourself for granted!

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