Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Tag: dating after 50

  • Being seduced by what he is over who he is

    I admit it. I’ve been so enticed by what a man is that it’s clouded my judgment about who he is.

    When dating the crazy psychiatrist, I adored when he consulted the pharmacist about what over-the-counter remedy would reduce my cold symptoms. I loved telling my friends that I was dating a doctor. Shallow, I know. Very shallow. I felt like his profession meant that I was able to attract smart, accomplished men. I ignored the ever-present fact that he was a self-admitted “impaired physician,” meaning a doctor with problems. And he had those in spades. If he’d been a normal guy — engineer, Realtor, manager, contractor — I wouldn’t have put up with the junk he threw at me.

    The Academy-Award winner was similar. His accomplishment overrode telling signs that this man wasn’t for me. But I was enthralled with the prospect of attending private screenings and Oscar night with him. I told myself, “I deserve someone who is at the top of his field,” even though he’d earned the award as part of a stellar team, not an individual effort, and that was over 10 years ago.

    Luckily, I’ve not always fed my ego and blinded my assessment by the status of my dates. I wasn’t beguiled by the former professional football player, ex pro basketball player, high-tech exec, CEO, lawyer, or venture capitalist.

    Sometimes I wish I didn’t know a man’s accomplishments or profession until I know him better. It is difficult to mask, however, because many list it in their profile or mention it in early communications. I’ve considered asking a man not to tell me for a while and see if I like him for who he is, not what he is. But now they are intertwined.

    It would be like getting to know someone through only email and phone, then showing up to meet him with you both wearing blindfolds. How different your impressions would be without the visual! You could smell his cologne, feel his hand and arm, perhaps hug. Would a kiss be more delicious or less if you didn’t know what he looked like?

    Do you find yourself entranced by a man’s profession and accomplishments? If not, how do you set aside whatever status you attribute to it and allow the man’s characteristics to show through?

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,

  • Get back on the horse that threw you

    After a distasteful or painful dating experience, it’s tempting to stop dating for a while. In fact, some people find a heartbreaking experience so odious that they swear off dating for years.

    While it’s a good idea to take a break to heal your wounds, if you go too long you lose your rhythm. You get rusty. It can affect your self-confidence. Yes, it is like riding a bicycle, the skills comes back. But sometimes it’s hard to get your head back in the game.

    horse My strategy is to take a little time to regroup, assess the lessons, refine what I want — and don’t want, but then get back on the horse that threw me. If you don’t, you’re saying the setbacks win. You’re letting a guy get you down who has undeveloped communication skills, lack of integrity, emotional unavailability, immaturity or who just realizes it isn’t a match. You’re letting his actions determine your happiness (or unhappiness). Don’t give anyone that power.

    Everyone has setbacks in life, it’s how you deal with them that determines your future. If you let a few mishaps make you give up on finding the love you want and deserve, you are giving up on your future. Not all dates are fun and enchanting, although my experience is only about 10% have been less than enjoyable. The great majority are unremarkable — not great, but not horrible. A few are heavenly, some resulting in equally sublime second and subsequent dates.

    After an unpleasant experience, journal about the lesson(s) from it, take a bath, get a massage, go out with a gal pal, have a good cry, enjoy a little chocolate, go for a rigorous workout, attend a comedy club, update your perfect boyfriend’s job description — whatever it is you enjoy. Decide how long you will wait to get back on the dating horse. Maybe it’s a few days, a week, or a month or two. But don’t wait too long. Or the horse wins.

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,

  • Your Date-A-Base — tracking multiple suitors

    When people hear that I’ve dated 71 men in 2 years and that I often date several guys simultaneously, they commonly ask, “How do you keep them straight?”

    I respond, “With a Date-A-Base.”

    Since I’m a business woman, I’ve long kept a database to track my customers. In business it is also known as a Customer Relationship Manager (CRM). I’ve adapted my business one to my dating life.

    In my Date-A-Base, I keep track of the man’s name, email, phone numbers, address, and picture. I copy his online profile into the electronic file. And I update it after we talk and I learn important things. This prevents me from asking again where he grew up, his family details, kids’ names and ages, alma mater, favorite hobbies, food, books, movies, etc. I review my notes before we I know we’ll be talking again.

    I start a database file as soon as we get away from email to the phone. I enter as much info as I have at the moment and add to it.

    When you have several people you’re contacting, it takes some organization to keep them all straight. Some people use a spread sheet to track their potential dates before meeting. My friend George, also a businessman/salesman, even had a pre-date spread sheet to track info on each woman with whom he was communicating. His was similar to how he’d track his prospects and customers. He’d log where she lived, if she was divorced or separated, how many kids and their ages, who initiated contact and when, and when they’d talked by phone. He’d enter her screen name, height and age, general looks (based on her picture) and “overall plus/minus” comments.

    Other people say they use index cards to keep people’s details straight. Others just print out the profile and make needed notes on it. I’m a tech-savvy gal so prefer the electronic version.

    Some of my dating friends have taken this tracking spread sheet to the next level. They have a number of categories across the top (looks, energy, intelligence, humor, etc.) and their dates’ name down the side. They then assign a number from 1-10 for each of the characteristics for that person. It seems cold, doesn’t it? But we all do that to some degree or another, just not so methodically. Then they can analytically decide if they want to continue seeing the person. I trust my gut more than my head, so this method wouldn’t work for me.

    The important point is do something to keep everyone sorted out. It’s embarrassing to say, “Will you be seeing your parents for the holidays?” when his parents are deceased. Or, “I hope Stanford whops CAL” when he’s a Berkeley alumnus.

    Technorati Tags:,,,, ,,,

  • Are you a happy dater?

    The other day one of my dearest friends Ellie, asked me how I managed to stay so happy. It’s true that generally I’m a perpetually perky person, but I do have my bouts with unhappiness when faced with setbacks and disappointments. lemonadeI’ve worked hard to reduce the time I spend in a dreary mood when something unpleasant happens. Or if something I’d looked forward to doesn’t materialize. I like to think of myself as the Lemonade Queen, quickly making the quenching drink out of life’s lemons.

    Recently, Rocket Man shared that this was one of the reasons he was drawn to me — I seemed to possess an endless good mood. It made me think about what attracts us to others. Rocket Man is also generally upbeat, rarely complaining about anything — including his divorce or ex — even after the dozen hours we’ve spent talking. It is compelling and refreshing and shows a positive outlook on life.

    Contrast this to Mr. 400Miles who seems to be continually complaining about something: traffic, his job, his coworkers, his golf game, the weather, his son, his ex, his parents. After a kvetch session I asked him, “What do you like about your job?” He said, “There’s plenty I like about my job.” I responded, “I don’t hear about what you like very often.” While it’s important to recruit a vent buddy, it can get wearisome if someone mostly shares complaints.

    I once attended a seminar that encouraged this: “Don’t complain unless it’s to someone who can do something about it.” This negates the common advice that you should vent to someone so you feel better. I say don’t inflict that negative energy on anyone else. If you need to release, sit in your car and let loose. Or write out your frustration. Or if you do choose to vent with a pal, make sure it is less than 10% of your conversation, and first ask him/her if it is OK to vent for 5 minutes.

    It’s easy to get frustrated dating and want to vent. I’ve now gone out with 70 men in the last 2 years and none of them was “the one.” I could focus on what was wrong with all of them, but that wouldn’t help keep me in the hunt with a positive mind set. Sometimes you have to make your own happiness in the face of what others would think would be demoralizing.

    In “I’m glad dating is hard” I mentioned my friend the late Art Berg. While in rehab after a partially paralyzing spinal chord injury (SCI), his doctor kept sending psychiatrists to see him. Art thought it was odd that he was sequestered from other SCI patients. Later, in examining his medical records, he found the reason noted by his doctor: “Excessive happiness.” The doctor felt he laughed too much and was in too good of a mood much of the time. While the doctor thought this was a detriment to his recovery as he interpreted this as denial, Art said it was key to his recovery and subsequent success in life.

    Here’s Art’s recipe for excessive happiness:

    • Happiness is a choice — a choice we make every day.
    • Happiness is not a condition of our circumstances or external influences. It is a state of mind and heart.
    • Happiness comes most often when we focus on solving other people’s pain and problems as opposed to thinking only of our own.
    • Happiness isn’t what we have or who we are. It’s feeling valuable and worthy regardless of our station in life.
    • Happiness is within everyone’s reach.

    Are you a happy dater? Perhaps an excessively happy one? If so, how do you keep yourself up amid rejection and disappointment?

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,

  • Are you a “Let’s Make a Deal” type of dater?

    Let’s Make a DealDo you remember the TV show, “Let’s Make a Deal“? TV.com describes it as “a game of intuition, skill, luck, decision making and greed…all mixed into one.” Sounds like dating, doesn’t it? Maybe not the greed part, unless a gold digger is involved.

    I was thinking about this show as I was comparing several men I’d met online and deciding who to release and who to keep seeing. It reminded me of host Monty Hall offering contestants the opportunity to trade their winnings for whatever was behind doors number 1, 2 or 3. Often they didn’t know what their current prize was — say a wallet filled up to $10,000 cash. Nor did they know what was hidden behind various doors, boxes and curtains being offered for exchange. Monty made the choice harder by sharing the big prize hidden behind one of the doors. Maybe it was behind the door you chose.

    Or perhaps it would be a “zonk” — giant shoes, a goat, rusting 19th-century appliances, a washtub for each day of the week, 1 ton of watermelons, a giant rocking horse, sequin-covered garbage cans, etc.

    So it is with dating. When dating someone early on, you really don’t know what “prize” you have in hand as you don’t yet know him very well. But the Siren call of the never-ending stream of online potential suitors is alluring. Interesting men regularly appear in your in-box winking, flirting, or emailing. At some point you have to decide whether to keep the “prize” you already have or exchange him for a tempting, but unknown, “prize.” Or at least he appears tempting behind the email veil. Occasionally, he’s a zonk.

    Of course that is why some of us multi-date. Then we can take a peek at both (or more) prizes simultaneously. You can see which one is most valuable (most like what you want) before you let go of the lessor-desirable one.

    I know, this is offensive to some people. They feel you don’t really give one guy a chance if you are seeing two (or more) concurrently. Some feel you are trying to have your cake and eat it too. Some label a woman who multi-dates as slutty.

    Since I do it, I don’t think it’s offensive or slutty. It is a form of hedging your bets. A savvy gambler always hedges her bets so she is more likely to take home some winnings rather than wager on only one option and leave empty handed. Unless she feels it is a sure bet — which is when you decide a man has the potential to be a long-term partner. Then you don’t bet on others.

    Are you a “Let’s Make a Deal” type of dater? Do you balance two or more men to hedge your bets? If not, what is your feeling about those who do?

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,

  • Cleaning out the suitors

    Sometimes too much of a good thing is not wonderful, as Mae West said it was. Instead it can be time consuming.  Too many potential suitors can mean it’s time to release some back into the dating pool.

    Today I had dates with two new guys — one for lunch, one for coffee. Additionally, I talked to Mr. 400Miles for a few minutes, Rocket Man for 2.5 hours, and had a message from Zen Man. I need to clean a few guys off my plate.

    Lunch Guy is smart, interesting, and took early retirement from his job. Now he does volunteer work, sings in a choir, sails and reads. He lives an hour away from me and I just didn’t feel a spark. I wrote him a nice email that he was a great guy but I don’t see that we have enough in common for a relationship.

    Coffee Guy is also smart, interesting, articulate and nice. He lives in my neighborhood and at the end of our 90 minutes together he said, “Let me know if you want to have dinner sometime.” I most likely won’t, but will invite him to be a pal since he only lives a few blocks away.

    I will call Zen Man back tomorrow and tell him I think it’s best we be just friends.

    Mr. 400Miles still calls me nearly every day, but our calls are pretty perfunctory since he mostly calls from work when he only has a few minutes in between meetings. I enjoyed the few times we’ve been together, but I don’t have enough experience with him to know if it could develop into something else. We’ve grown to know each others’ lives pretty well, but nothing deep about how the other feels about life, and more importantly about each other. I know I should release him back into the dating pool, but this one is hard to do, as we’ve talked daily for 6 months, but only seen each other twice.

    And Rocket Man — I need to actually meet him to decide if he’s a keeper. But so far, we’ve talked about things no other man has seemed to be interested in. I love our conversations, which is why we talk so long. He’s planning on coming to see me next week, in between gigs to blow things up.

    Juggling several men can be fun and exciting. But it can also be time consuming and confusing — especially if you forget who you told what to. But when it’s clear you’re not a good match, best to release him so he can find someone who is. I know, I haven’t taken my own advice on this about Mr. 400Miles, but I will find a way to let him know very soon.

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,

  • Do you hide your “light” from a date?

    A gal pal asked me, “How do your dates respond to your accomplishments?”

    I responded, “Most don’t know about them.”

    “Really? Why not?”

    “Because I don’t tell them.”

    “Why?”

    “First of all, it’s not like I’m a Nobel laureate, Supreme Court judge, Academy Award nominee or brain surgeon. My accomplishments pale compared to other people I know.

    “Secondly, some men are intimidated by my resume, even though I know others who have a much more impressive one. I don’t want to start out with someone being threatened. So I don’t bring up anything I think would be intimidating — at least generally not on the first date.

    “Thirdly, I find it off putting when a guy recites his resume on the first date. It’s okay if something comes up in context of the conversation, say he comments, ‘I got used to feeling dumb when I felt I was the dumbest Rhodes scholar that year…’ or ‘When I was at Harvard, they had these silly hazings…’

    “And fourth, some people would think I’m rich based on what they read on my web site. I’m not. I don’t want a gold digger.”

    hide light“But you’re hiding your light under a bushel.”

    Metaphorically she’s right. I hide a bit of who I am at first. I am not meaning to be dishonest, but I dole out parts of who I am — including warts — as I get to know someone. I need to trust that he likes me for my personality, not only for my accomplishments. Of course I could argue that these make up a big part of who I am.

    Rocket Man said he was at first intimidated by my web page listing of accomplishments. This from an Academy Award winning special effects producer who’s called a legend in the industry. He’s intimidated by me? We identify ourselves at some level by our achievements, even if we don’t flaunt them.

    So if your accomplishments are integral to who you are, why hide them? I think we don’t want to drive someone away. We don’t want to seem that we are boasting. And we don’t want to be perceived as way beyond the other’s status. The truth is, achievements don’t always translate into economic assets. In fact, some say there is an “Oscar curse” where recipients have trouble getting work after winning, as others think they are too expensive for their projects.

    Do you hide your “light” — your accomplishments — from dates? If so, when do you let out shafts of your light for him to see? If you do hide some of your light, why?

    Technorati Tags:,, ,,,,,

  • What’s your definition of romance?

    Often men say they are romantic in their online dating profiles. I’ve learned this means different things to different people. One may think that calling every day is romantic, while the other is expecting regular cards, letters, and candle-lit dinners.

    Greg GodekIt seems men and women often have different concepts of romance. This is so common, my friend Greg Godek has spawned an empire writing books on how to be romantic starting with 1001 Ways to 1001 Ways to Be RomanticBe Romantic. I’m not sure how many men read these books, or if they are just purchased by their mates and left in obvious places where she hopes he’ll read a few pages.

    I’ve thought that any man truly interested in a woman he’s met online would move to the head of the queue if he single red rosebrought just a single red rose to the first date. Corny? Perhaps. But I think men underestimate how such a gesture endears him to her. In fact, I think generally men underestimate how flowers of any kind melt most women’s hearts. I’ve only received flowers from two men out of 68 — one bouquet on a first date and an arrangement on my 50th birthday.

    One evening while talking to a man I hadn’t met yet although we’ve spent hours on the phone, I mentioned I hadn’t had dinner. He said if he lived closer, he’d come fix me dinner or take me out. Later I thought it would be romantic if in that situation again, a guy called my local Chinese restaurant and had something delivered.

    Or, again in a situation where we haven’t met yet, but are getting close by phone, wouldn’t it be heart-melting for him to send flowers? What would it cost — $25? — probably what he spent on lunch with pals. But the benefits would be many times greater than the cost.

    As I discussed in “Instead of roses, he gives you ..lingerie,” some men think romance includes gifts and doing things for the woman he’s wanting to woo. This can be great — if they are gifts the woman appreciates. And I think women also show affection by doing things she thinks her guy will like.

    How do women show romance? I think women are more prone to light candles, draw bubble baths, send greeting cards and chill champagne glasses. Early in our courtship, I brought my ex flowers — something he said no other woman had ever done. After years of marriage, I put little love notes in his jacket and slacks’ pockets when he was packing for a trip. He opened them throughout his boutonniere trip when he put his hand in a different outfit’s pocket. When we were attending a formal affair, I always bought him a boutonnière, as I had within days of our meeting when we attended our first formal event together.

    What do you do for your man that you think is romantic? What do you like to receive that you think is romantic?

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,

  • When you’re clear on what you want, it appears

    In the past year I attended both the Toronto and San Jose Film Festivals. I loved screening yet-to-be-released films followed by live commentary from the writers, directors and stars. I delighted in the experience so much, I thought, “I’d like to be with someone in the movie business. It would be fun to hang out with people in the industry.”

    A few months later, enter Rocket Man. In our first week’s hours-long phone conversations and daily multiple emails, he’s already invited me to Academy-members-only film viewings and — get this — the Academy Awards ceremony! Serendipity? Maybe. Maybe not.

    You may be saying, “I’m clear on what I want! I want a loving, mature, romantic, fun-loving, financially sound, emotionally available guy who will treat me well. So why haven’t I found him yet?” I understand your frustration.

    shipping departmentDoug Hooper, an early mentor and author of You Are What You Think, said our wishes go to a giant shipping department in the sky. Sometimes the shipping clerk receives what seems is an incomplete order. The clerk needs to know how tall should your guy be? How old? How close to you should he be living? Should he want to have kids? Your “unit” can’t be shipped until you fill in the missing info. But the clerk doesn’t have a way to tell you the info is missing, so you become frustrated.

    Unfortunately, sometimes the orders get lost. You need to keep sending your order, but each time check for completeness. Add anything you notice is missing. I’ve written down my order. (See “What’s your ‘perfect boyfriend’s’ job description?“)

    Sometimes the order is complete, but the “unit” is unavailable or still being completed to your specs. Maybe he’s currently with someone else so you have to wait weeks or months for him to become available. Or maybe he’s still bitter about his last relationship and if you were to meet him now, he wouldn’t be emotionally available. The shipping department waits until he’s ready to be shipped to you. Or maybe it’s you who’s not quite ready, even though you think you are.

    However, you also have to be willing to accept what the universe ships, if he’s close to what you want. No one is 100% perfect. Even the Earth-bound shipping process sometimes causes some damage in transit. You wanted a guy with a full head of hair and your current guy is perfect except he’s bald? So what! He has a little baggage left over from the last relationship? I bet you do, too. Sometimes the best “units” — like priceless antiques — have slight dents or scratches.

    Should you accept partial shipments? A guy who’s only 50% of what you want? In “Building your Franken-boyfriend” I discuss how great it would be if you could combine the desired characteristics from several men into one. However, if he’s only 50% of your order, I think you should put him back into inventory — release him as he may be 95% of what someone else wants.

    So is Rocket Man “the one”? I won’t know until we meet and spend some time together. But I do believe if I hadn’t sent in my order months ago, he wouldn’t have shown up.

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,

  • Rocket Man

    I’ve become fond of a man online who blows things up for a living. Tiny things. Miniatures. For the movies. And he’s won an Oscar for his demolition efforts.

    Isn’t this nearly every man’s childhood dream? To make a living destroying things? How fun!

    He specializes in igniting things. He says he “paints with fire.” He’s set himself ablaze 51 times — on purpose! For films, of course. He even filled in for a flaming Arnold Schwarzenegger in one film. How am I supposed to light his fire when he’s torched himself 51 times?

    While sometimes his charges are detonated inside the object, other times he launches a rocket to explode the target. So my pet name for him has become Rocket Man, which he likes.

    If we hit it off, it will be good to know I can turn to him if I need anything around the house blown up. Instead of “Honey, could you spray that ant hill in the back?” it would be “Honey, could you blow up that ant hill in the back?” I wonder if he’s as good at building a relationship as he is at blowing up buildings.

    OscarThat little golden statue may be nice to have around the house. I can see dressing him up for each month’s holidays — an Easter Bunny outfit, a Halloween costume, a Santa’s hat. Maybe we’d give him a Barbie harem. Would he fit in the Malibu Barbie car? I don’t think so.

    Since his specialty is pyrotechnics, I’d expect fireworks with our first kiss. I wonder if he could arrange that without any building blowing up.

    So far his personality seems to be far from explosive, however sparks fly via email and phone conversations. I wonder what makes a sweet, humble man like to blow things up. I’ll find out soon enough.

    Saphire martiniAnd get this — his favorite drink is a Bomb-bay martini!

    Let’s hope he’s da bomb!

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,

  • Online dating time equivalent to dog years

    The Rules OnlineSometimes you hit it off with someone online and you exchange a flurry of emails. That is if you ignore the advice in The Rules for Online Dating. Authors Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneide tell women never to respond to an email from a potential suitor before 24 hours pass.

    Well, I’ve ignored The Rules. But I’ve gotten to know guys quicker because of it. When you are exchanging several emails a day, someone’s personality emerges much sooner than the weeks it would take if you followed Fein and Schneide’s advice.

    dogI liken it to the accelerated time passing of dog years. Depending on how quickly both of you respond, you can exchange numerous emails in a short period. One man even noted, “I don’t interpret a prompt response to my emails as desperation, just interest.” Fein and Schneide, however, say it makes you appear too eager.

    IMs are even more lightening fast, as you are talking real time. You write something and he writes back almost immediately. I’ve grown fond of someone pretty quickly through IMs.

    There’s something about online communication that enables you to ask questions you may not if you are talking on the phone. Somehow it can seem easier admitting to insecurities and sharing histories, goals, dreams and baggage. Of course, you can do this on the phone and in person, but there’s something akin to the anonymity of a confessional that lets people be forthcoming online. (Of course, there are always those who lie online, just as they would in person.)

    Is all this warp-speed courting good? I’m not sure. I like getting to know someone quickly to see if any deal breakers emerge. Better than spending months to uncover the same problems. But the downside is a seeming intimacy that hasn’t had time to really ferment.

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,