Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Tag: dating Internet

  • “I’m not just some girl you met on the Internet”

    [googmonify]8790107066:right:120:600[/googmonify]Private PracticeA few weeks ago on “Private Practice” two colleagues decided to take their sexual chemistry to the “friends with benefits” level. However, when in the bedroom ready to commence, she couldn’t go through with it, claiming that sex together would cheapen their relationship.

    She exclaims, “I’m not just some girl you met on the Internet.”

    In other words, she’s saying that Internet dating sites are the equivalent to hookup sites — prostitution without payment. Easy sex. Women who list themselves on the sites must be loose.

    Hmmm.

    (more…)

  • Playgirl glory

    It took five months of occasional email exchanges to finally meet. It was worth the wait.

    Why so long? He had been traveling the world for a non-profit project he founded. He was in the States infrequently during the past year, and even more rarely at his home in my area.

    As part of getting to know each other, he sent me a link to his project’s Web site where I learned more about him. Armed with his unique full name, it was easy to Google him.

    PlaygirlThrough this sleuthing I uncovered that he had been not only a Marine fighter pilot — but also a Playgirl “Real Man of the Month!” Granted, that was nearly three decades ago. During our first phone conversation, I commented on his Web page. He said laughingly, “If you get me drunk enough I’ll tell you some stories that I couldn’t put on the page.”

    “Will that include the Playgirl story?” I asked playfully.

    (more…)

  • “I’m a nerd!”

    [googmonify]8604416547:left:120:240[/googmonify]

    So said the professor with a Ph.D. and several masters degrees. My Google search revealed a page (not written by him) that called him “a famed professor” in his area of study. Other sites also lauded him. So I thought perhaps he was being modest when saying he was a nerd as he pursued me by sweet, thoughtful emails and phone calls.

    His initial email said he was from out of state — 2000 miles away — but was planning to relocate to my area. I am a sucker for a man with good writing skills, so I responded and soon a vigorous email and phone conversation was launched.

    UrkelWhen I met him a week after his first email, I saw that he was telling the truth. Can you imagine a 56-year-old Steve Urkel? I’m afraid the similarities were scary. Instead of hiked-up pants, he wore an ill-fitting patterned jacket with clashing shirt. His hunched shoulders suggested a form of osteoporosis or some other back malady. But as I stood straighter, so did he, so it seemed more habit than affliction.

    He had braces, which seemed to be helping pull in his buck teeth and closing the gap of several missing ones. This also explained, in part, his lisp. His amblyopia, or lazy eye, kept me guessing which eye to address.

    (more…)

  • Beware of multitasking when multidating

    When friends learn I have sometimes dated multiple men simultaneously, they ask how I am able to do so.

    Logistically, I keep notes in my Date-A-Base, logging facts like children (names, ages, locations), parents (living or not, location), marriage/LTRs (how long, how long ago), where he grew up, went to school, or important jobs or locations. Also, if he reveals deeper feelings, fears or concerns, I log that. But I’m better at remembering those conversations than facts and figures.

    I can go from a conversation with one man to another pretty easily. It makes me realize how quickly we vilify those who date around, saying “How could he take one woman out to dinner one night and another the next?” We call these people “players” even if there is no purposeful behavior to lead one to believe you are committed to them.

    I now understand how men — who we stereotypically think of when we think of multidating — can go from woman to woman in a short period of time. Compartmentalizing is not that hard. I’ve been known to carry on two IM conversations simultaneously and not miss a beat. Or have lunch with one guy and dinner with another on the same day.

    (more…)

  • Prince Considerate breaks up — considerately

    After dinner and a nice stroll, we settled back in my house for a DVD. But before we could get started, he pulled me to his lap and put his arms around me.

    “This is a very hard thing, but I need to say it. I don’t know why, but I’m not finding myself falling in love with you.”

    He’d mentioned this a few weeks before, so it wasn’t news. We’d both felt similarly, but knew the other person had a lot of terrific characteristics so thought we should give it a bit more time.

    (more…)

  • Entering the Land of Testosterone

    I’m experimenting with trying to meet men in the “real” world. I’m inserting myself into places where gobs of possible potential suitors gather. Today I entered the Land of Testosterone.

    “Where is that?” you ask.

    A professional football game.

    footballA friend had an extra ticket so I attended our local team’s game. I thought this would give me an opportunity to be surrounded by enthusiastic men. I was right. But it was not quite what I’d hoped for.

    Looking around, I assessed potential flirting prospects. I think the vendors must have been selling testosterone-infused beer. The men I observed were fervently cheering our team and vociferously booing the opposition. (To be fair, the women were too.)

    The young men around me were taking turns using binoculars to inspect the cheerleaders — who were only 20 feet in front of us. Even with the football players at our end of the field, these voyeurs were more engrossed in scrutinizing the gals’ body parts than in watching the plays.

    I found myself joining in the oglefest — but my focus was on a fine stud muffin who hovered near the gaggle of cheerleaders by a media video-viewing station. It was unclear what he was doing there, but he had the appropriate credentials to get past security. So when the game got boring, I entertained myself by imaging how I could meet him. After all, he was 25-feet into the secure zone. How would I just bump into him?

    But no amount of mental telepathy could get him to saunter up to my third-row seat. I considered calling him over, but I thought that would appear just too desperate. So instead, I just enjoyed the eye candy, but unlike my teenage male row-mates, I didn’t use my binoculars.

    So I am not having great luck meeting men in places they gather en masse. But I will not give up! I may try Hunter’s suggestion of car swap meets and car shows. And I may even try NASCAR or boxing — if I get desperate!

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  • Truffles, pigs and romance

    truffle huntingYou may have heard of the pheromone androstenone, found in boar saliva, that is similar to what men secrete through sweat glands. It is said to drive some females into a frenzy. Did you know that truffles (the wild mushroom kind not the chocolate kind) smell similarly? Truffles’ scent is what makes sows such effective detectives to route out the expensive vegetable (reportedly one of the highest-priced foods in the world).

    So why don’t men slather androstenone — or truffles — on themselves before going on a date? If the affect is similar to how sows in heat react to boars — wearing low-cut tops, mini-skirts and fishnets — women would be throwing themselves at them

    Well, good news for us, ladies. We can’t be manipulated quite that easily, with either mushroom truffles, chocolate truffles, or androstenone. According to a National Geographic Smell Survey, 30% of humans cannot detect androstenone unless the concentration is extremely high. So he’d have to bathe in it to become the babe magnet of most men fantasies. And even worse, a random sampling of 100 people found that around half will detect nothing, 15 or so will smell an inoffensive musky-floral-woody aroma, and the rest will be thoroughly repulsed by a liquid that, to them, reeks of stale urine or particularly nasty body odor.

    Some men wouldn’t mind the risk of being repulsive to 35% of women in order to attract just a few. I couldn’t find data on the percentage of women who are attracted to this scent.

    I found a few products that included androstenone. I’d be curious to hear reports from those who tried it. Did women flock to the man’s side, start ripping off clothes, throwing phone numbers, attacking him in crowed buses? I think this would have made the news. So either not many men are trying this, or again, we’re safe.

    Women, what do you like to smell on a man? And what scent would be a sure bet for you to wear? I’ve explained my nomination in “The scent of love.”

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  • Midlife dating etiquette

    etiquetteThe other day I was asked me for some rules of etiquette for when one is beginning to date. While etiquette is, according to the dictionary, “the customary code of polite behavior,” there are no hard and fast rules. What is rude to one is not a big deal for another. Following are what I’ve heard are common complaints from both genders. You may not have a challenge with any item, but I think it’s important to know what may be considered good- or ill-mannered by another.

    Both genders:

    • Respond promptly to online contacts, even if you’re not interested. Don’t let someone linger in limbo. If you’re not interested, send them a kind, “Thank you, but we’re not a match” email. (Some people think no response is better than an outright rejection, but the majority of people I’ve talked to about this would rather hear a polite “no thanks” than nothing at all.)
    • When on the phone, give the other your full attention. Don’t grocery shop, watch TV, read your email, or surf a dating site. I experienced the latter during an initial phone call with a potential suitor. At first I was impressed that he was referring to items on my profile; then he digressed to reading me emails he’d received from woman wanting to make contact.
    • When together, don’t answer your phone, unless you’ve specified in advance that your child or boss may call. If you do answer, make it very brief, not “No, I’m not doing anything. What’s going on with you?” Believe it or not, I’ve heard this from people over the age of 40 on a date. If the call is going to be more than a 30-second “Let me call you back in a few hours,” excuse yourself and take it outside.
    • When face to face, give the other your focus. Don’t check out others as they walk by. We can see your eyes look people up and down! The same is true at a party or bar where you are looking over the person’s shoulder.
    • Be on time. In fact, being a little early is even better. You can then stake out the quietest spot, as well as observe the posture, walk and attire of the other. I met a man once who had arrived early and staked out a table, so I didn’t see him walk in. Only when I picked up something I dropped did I noticed his both pants legs’ hem had come unsown so were ragged and dragging on the floor.
    • Get cleaned up. That means wearing neat, clean, ironed, well-fitting clothing in good repair. Brush your hair and teeth before the meeting. Take a shower that day.
    • Don’t be critical of the other. It takes a long time to develop enough trust to be allowed to give critical feedback.
    • Don’t talk about other people you are dating. When you disclose you are seeing others, you don’t need to give details, even if asked.
    • Don’t lead on the other if you have no interest.
    • Limit your discussion of your ex(es) and try to find a way to say something positive about him/her. If you’re only bashing, you’ll sound bitter and negative, which is unappealing.
    • Share the conversation, don’t hog it. Think of questions about the other that you want to know. Work to not ask the same questions every other person has asked your date.
    • Don’t talk about sexual topics before meeting or on the first date.
    • Limit your alcohol consumption to one or two drinks on the first encounter. Alcohol impairs your judgment and you may make decisions you’ll later regret.
    • When you’ve decided you don’t want to see the other again, have the courage to say so as pleasantly as possible. Don’t take the coward’s way out and stop responding to emails and calls.

    Women:

    • Don’t practice arbitrary rules, like only having one contact with a man per day. If you both like to email or call a few times a day, do it. Don’t limit yourself by what some “expert” says to do — including this one.
    • Don’t accept a date with a man you have no interest in just for a free lunch, dinner, or concert.
    • Do not put on lipstick or make up at the table. Excuse yourself to the ladies’ room.

    Men:

    • Pick a first rendezvous spot where you’ll be comfortable treating. While it is the 21st Century, the norm is still for the man to treat on the first date unless the woman has made it clear she’d prefer to go dutch. Coffee dates are perfectly fine for a first meeting. Don’t feel you have to go to a fancy place to impress her on the first encounter.
    • Brush up on gentleman’s etiquette: ask her to order first, open doors, walk by her side, not in front unless it’s in a crowd. Know which fork to use, which glass(es) and bread plate are yours, and when to put your napkin in your lap (when you first sit down). Buy a book on male etiquette from your local independent bookstore.
    • Don’t ask out a woman you have no interest in just for a sex, unless you’re positive that’s all she wants, too. Ask, don’t assume.

    Everyone can benefit from an etiquette review every once in a while, just as they could from a driving review. Don’t assume you have nothing to learn. Ask your opposite sex dating buddies for what bugs them about the your gender during dating.

    What have I left out? What etiquette gaffes have I overlooked? Share your thoughts in a comment.

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  • What’s your date’s score on the Delight/Disappointment Scale?

    Competitive people keep score. They note accumulated points and penalties. I think we unconsciously do this with our dates.

    So I’ve devised a chart to illustrate what usually happens in our minds. We track the things we like and weigh them against the things we don’t like or are disappointed by. Sometimes these disappointments are things that are said or done (watching TV over your shoulder when out to dinner, insulting something dear to you — even if unwittingly). More often disappointments are things not done (didn’t call when he said he would, forgot promises or important dates).

    In “Tracking your date’s score” I suggest a guy starts with 100 units or points. He can earn more by doing things you like and loses points for disappointing you. I know this sounds harsh. But the truth is we’re doing this mentally anyway, whether we actually assign points to the actions/inactions or not.

    Look at the chart below to see how I think we track these points on the Delight/Disappointment Scale. (Click on the chart to get a bigger view.) Notice this guy’s score hovers around the midpoint — he doesn’t do a lot to delight nor disappoint. Then New Year’s Eve with no invitation. (This is the same guy who blew off Valentine’s Day last week. As one of my pals said, “This guy doesn’t get you and how to treat you!” I’m afraid when I look at the chart, I’d have to agree.)

    DDS

    Maybe you don’t want to be as analytical as keeping a chart like this. But I think it is important to be conscious of how he comes out on the Delight/Disappointment Scale. We can all handle disappointments when someone is on the positive side of the scale most of the time. No one is perfect, and we are bound to disappoint the other at some time. However, if there are too many trips to the south side of neutral time to reassess the relationship and discuss it with him if you have been dating for a while (he deserves to know so he can fix it if he wants), or move on.

    How does your current guy rate on the Delight/Disappointment Scale?

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  • Dating differences: it’s in the brains

    My friend Ian forwarded the following excerpt from an article on the difference between male and female brains, as it relates to dating and relationships.

    “‘[Women] use different brain areas and circuits to solve problems, process language, experience and store the same strong emotion,’ [researcher] Brizendine says. ‘Women may remember the smallest details of their first dates, and their biggest fights, while their husbands barely remember that these things happened.’ Their inborn ability to “mirror emotions” makes women more sensitive to the feelings of others.

    “But with these great powers comes the great headache of a capricious mix of neuro-hormonal players, a bouillabaisse of estrogen, progesterone, testosterone, oxytocin, cortisol and vasopressin, to name a few ingredients. Testosterone-driven men, comparatively speaking, are a quick study.

    “‘Because of the fluctuations that begin as early as three months and last until after menopause, a woman’s neurological reality is not as constant as a man’s,’ Brizendine writes. ‘His is like a mountain that is worn away imperceptibly over the millennia by glaciers … Hers is more like the weather itself — constantly changing and hard to predict.’

    “Every brain, the author notes, begins female. But by week eight, a male’s genetic calendar calls for a toga party with killer kegs of testosterone, effectively killing off cells in the communication centres of the brain while diverting growth to the sex and aggression centres. Which really tells you everything you need to know about la difference.”

    It explains a lot, doesn’t it? So when a man communicates caringly and sensitively, we should applaud loudly and acknowledge him as it is out of his DNA’s comfort zone.

    Technorati Tags: dating Internet, dating online, senior dating, bbw dating, mature dating, dating over 50, online dating advice