Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Tag: dating over 40

  • Are you date sated — or hungry?

    Sate: satisfy (a desire or an appetite) to the full; supply (someone) with as much as or more of something than is desired or can be managed.

    shopping cartYou know not to grocery shop when you are hungry as you’ll be tempted to take home things that aren’t really good for you.

    The same is true in dating.

    When you are “hungry” — lonely, bored, horny — you respond to or make contact with men who you normally wouldn’t find appealing. You go on coffee dates with guys you know you don’t have an ounce of interest in just for something to do. You may accept a second date invitation if he isn’t odious. When you’ve had your dating “fill” you have to awkwardly disengage, declining additional dates, leaving the guy bewildered at what happened.

    However, if you’re seeing someone you like, even if it isn’t serious, no one online looks appealing. If you receive regular emailed matches you automatically hit delete or give them a quick scan. No one entices you to respond or make contact. You are date sated.

    You can also be disinterested in dating when you are satiated by other activities in life. If your appetite for affection, attention, and activities is quenched from other sources, you are not drawn to potential dates. You ignore winks, emails and maybe even phone calls. You have pushed yourself away from the dating table. You say, “Thank you, but I’m full.”

    Shortly after experiencing a difficult break up, I binged on my matches like a starving woman who hadn’t had a morsel in months. I contacted men to whom I normally wouldn’t have been drawn. I met them for coffee, and then had to send the “We’re not a match” email afterwards. I was not being discerning — devouring everything that was put before me. And while I believe in experimenting, just like at a buffet, and at least “tasting” (meeting) men who are the least bit appealing, I guzzled coffee dates as if it were my last chance to meet anyone.

    Notice how you feel about dating right now. Are you ravenousness? Slightly hungry? Or satisfied? This will determine how you approach dating.

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  • Saluting all midlife dating moms

    I’m not a mom, but have watched my single friends who are dating. I marvel at how they juggle work, kids and their personal lives. Today being Mother’s Day, I wanted to tell all mom DG readers how much I admire you. If you have kids at home, it is so easy to forget about your happiness and focus on them. If you make time to date, you are modeling that you care about your well being which shows your kids not to settle.

    Single Mom SeekingMy friend Rachel Sarah, author of Single Mom Seeking: Playdates, Blind Dates, and Other Dispatches from the Dating World shares her insights and experiences in her book. She also blogs on her continuing lessons.

    Rachel is working on her next book about blended families, meaning any families who attempt to merge, and she wants your help. She says,

    So many of my single parent friends are doing it, as they date, find the One, and take the relationship to the next level. When you mix lots of ingredients in the blender, things can get messy. If you’re in a blended family, I’d love to hear from you!

    • Are you a single parent who has found The One?
    • Are you a single parent who recently got married? Are you living together?
    • Are you dating a single parent?
    • Are you married to a formerly single parent?

    Please tell me what’s most challenging for you about “blending” your lives:

    • Has your child/children felt any resentment?
    • How do you deal with the ex? The in-laws?
    • How do you handle holidays, if you have different customs?
    • Have you created new rituals together?
    • Who does the disciplining now? One of you? Both of you?
    • Have any issues come up involving intimacy?

    I’m looking for real stories about how parents in blended families deal with the challenges. Please email me if you have a story to share.

    My.YahooOn another topic, you can get DG directly to your My.Yahoo front page. Alert reader Barry tells you how:

    On your my.yahoo.com front page click an the “add content” link, then click the “lifestyle” link, then click the “romance” link. Scroll down, you will find Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40 in the top 10! Just click on “add” and all updates will be automatically posted to your front page.

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  • Are you his spare?

    For a few weeks a gal pal was exchanging flirty emails multiple times a day with a an online match. He then suggested they have dinner and she countered that she was more comfortable with lunch. They continued their multiple-per-day email flirting a few more weeks, but he never again brought up getting together.

    She was flummoxed. What was going on?

    Two explanations came to me:

    1. He enjoyed flirting, but not actually meeting women. This happens more than one would think. Some people just want pen pals, which is perfectly fine as long as they are upfront about it. Leading someone on when you have no intention of meeting isn’t right. But he had suggested dinner, so we didn’t think he was just a serial flirter.
    2. He was trolling for a “spare” woman. Not necessarily a woman on the side if he was married or in a relationship. But more likely he was seeing someone already, but not seriously. So he was still hunting, seeing if there was someone “better” out there. He wasn’t unhappy with his current woman, but not so enthralled that he was sure she was “the one.” My friend was intriguing enough to flirt with, but not yet enticing enough to press to meet her. (If he did meet her he’d see how fabulous she is!) He was ensuring his pipeline was full in case his current woman dumped him or he lost interest in her.

    How do you know if you are his spare? Mostly it will be in the lack of action he takes to meet with you, not only the first time but in subsequent communications. In “Are you getting prime time from your man?” I outline ways you can tell if you aren’t a top priority for a guy. While one would think most of these signs are obvious, the haze of infatuation affects us all so we miss signals that are otherwise apparent.

    What should you do if you suspect he is stringing you along as his spare — or potential backup?

    • Limit the time you are willing to put into communicating before meeting. Many DG readers agree that you should strive to meet after 2 weeks or less of email exchanges. After that, no matter how much he says he likes you, if there is no effort to meet, even if long distance, there is not a lot of interest. Too many women have shared they’ve had extensive email exchanges which turned to naught when they met. You don’t want to waste your time, unless you just want a pen pal.
    • Ask him point blank if he is seeing other women. If he stammers and stutters, “Yes, but no one serious,” then you need to decide if you want to meet — or continue to see — him. If you are multi-dating yourself, then maybe it’s not a problem for you. But if you believe in dating only one man at a time, you need to tell him your criteria, and if you are interested in meeting him in the future when he’s unencumbered, tell him to let you know when he is available.

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  • Should you respond to someone about whom you’re ambivalent?

    emailYou receive a nice, personalized email from a man on a dating site. He’s crafted an message specific to you, commenting on items from your profile. His profile is fine, but something is a borderline deal breaker. You vacillate whether to respond with your nice boilerplate “Thanks but no thanks” email, or to encourage more interaction.

    No doubt like you, I’ve received lots of contacts from guys who clearly weren’t a fit, or of enough interest for me to meet for coffee. Those were easy to deal with. I simply sent them my “Thanks but no thanks” email.

    The slippery slope begins when you have ambivalence but decide to write back anyway. There was nothing odious about his profile or communication, but also nothing really compelling. And there was that one (or more) issue that raised a yellow flag. Not to say this is always bad, as I’ve met some great guys who I initially thought weren’t of interest, some of whom I dated multiple times or others who became beaus.

    But more often than not, I knew we weren’t a match from the get go. However, his email was so nice, or he was articulate, or there was something interesting in his profile to offset the borderline deal breaker. So I answered the email, which progressed to a phone call, which led to coffee. And after you’ve built a bit of a bond through multiple emails and phone calls, when you meet and there’s no spark, it’s uncomfortable to have to tell him so.

    In “Hello — goodbye: How to say ‘no thanks’ after meeting” I discussed how to gently yet clearly let a guy know you aren’t a match. I always feel badly when I must have that conversation when I was pretty sure we wouldn’t be a match from the beginning.

    “Then why even encourage him?” you rightly wonder. Because some of my most special guys were ones who I was close to emailing a “no thanks” message. But after some emails, phone calls and coffee, I warmed to them. In “‘I only want to date someone I would marry’” I shared that as long as there aren’t glaring red lights and he seems interesting, go ahead and meet for coffee.

    Sometimes you respond to his initial email out of selfishness. You haven’t had a date, let alone an interesting, flirty email conversation in a while. Maybe you are lonely. Or bored. And there’s no one else on the horizon. He seems nice enough, so who knows? So you respond, even though you’re 90% sure you’re not a good match. That’s not really a good way to start any relationship, even if it’s only a one-time coffee one.

    The wisdom lies in knowing whom to turn down at the beginning to save you both time and possible rejection and who to respond to, in the hopes that there will be a spark. How do you get this wisdom? I wish it were just from reading these missives. But unfortunately, it is usually from having lived through a few experiences where you have to turn someone down for a second date, knowing you should have done so before the first.

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  • The power of appreciation in dating

    Many years ago I heard a speaker state that 95% of communication in a romantic relationship should be acknowledgment. In other words, most of what you say to each other should be positive, complimentary and affirmative of the other.

    This made me look at my own communication with my then husband. I didn’t track the percentage of acknowledgment, but I’m sure it wasn’t near 95%. Most of our communication was about daily tasks (what shall we have for dinner, who’ll pick up the dry cleaning, updates to our personal calendars). There was some discussion about daily events and some about our relationship, people in our lives, and getting advice from the other. While we weren’t nitpicky or regularly critical of each other, I noticed we weren’t overly complimentary either.

    Since I tended to voice my dissatisfaction more than him, I decided to step up my acknowledgment of him and reduce anything that could be construed critical. I’d save anything that he might feel was not positive to only the big things that were really important to me. I’d begin to shower him with compliments.

    It was hard. Not that there weren’t positive things to notice and comment on, but you have to train yourself to not just see something, but to say something.

    And then how complimentary should one be about mundane things? Does it sound condescending when you say, “I’m glad you put on your seat belt” “Thanks for taking out the trash,” and “I appreciate it when you put your dirty clothes in the hamper”? When these are minimal co-living standards, should they be acknowledged? When I was a teenager, my mother complained that we never complimented her on dinner, so I suppose even agreed-upon chores still need acknowledgment.

    Mike RobbinsMy friend Mike Robbins is a master at how to verbally appreciate someone and have them hear it. He speaks on “The Power of Appreciation” and has aThe Power of Appreciation soon-to-be-released book titled “Focus on the Good Stuff: The Power of Appreciation.” I invited Mike to present to 50 managers as part of a year-long management training program I was leading for a client. Within an hour, he had taught these managers the skills they needed to share sincere appreciation with each other, and to take these skills back to their departments. I watched seasoned managers get touched to tears hearing their colleagues’ comments about how they made a difference in the other’s life.

    I’ve brought Mike’s teachings to my dating adventure. I am more conscious of sharing my appreciation on a date, especially when I know he’s gone out of his way for me. Mike teaches you to not just say, “Thank you for taking me to such a lovely restaurant.” But to add, “I know you put effort in choosing a place you thought I’d enjoy. Your thoughtfulness makes me feel cared about and closer to you.”

    Granted, I am not the master at this that Mike is and I still have a ways to go in practicing this regularly. But when I have remembered to do this, I’ve seen my date not only smile, but stand up a bit taller and seem to beam a bit.

    In “Help your date notice his riches” I talked about commenting on things you think a date does well. Try coupling that with acknowledging how his behaviors make you feel good and see what happens. Write back after you’ve experimented with us and tell us what happened.

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  • Dating alchemy

    A newly dating gal pal called and wanted some advice. She’s recently become a DG reader and was sharing her few experiences getting her feet wet.

    herbalistAs we chatted and I spewed my advice, I felt like a mix of psychologist and Chinese herbalist. But instead of prescribing a pinch of this and a dollop of that, I doled out postings to read. These are some of the issues we covered, and the prescribed postings.

    Whew! I’m exhausted from all that amalgamating! I think I’ll brew myself a relaxing potion.

    If you’ve got an issue that’s troubling you about dating over 40, we’ve probably covered it! There are 339 postings here now. Just enter a key word in the “Search” box and it will take you to those postings. And if you’ve got an issue we haven’t discussed, please email it to me.

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  • Do men want feisty women?

    Apolo Anton OhnoI’ve recently become addicted to “Dancing with the Stars.” I know, I’m slow to join the onslaught of rabid fans. What pushed me over the top was Apolo Anton Ohno. What a luscious man! Although he’s only 24, one can still drool, yes? I got so enamored, I spent the evening watching this season’s previous DWTS shows at abc.com.

    Leila AliWatching so many shows at once I noticed a theme emerge in the behind-the-scenes interviews with the dancers. The women, at least the ones who have stayed in the game, all are strong, confident, and feisty. No surprise here for this highly-competitive sport. But the woman who stands out for me is Leila Ali, who as a boxing champion one would expect to be strong willed and gutsy. But she mixes it with a sensuality, gracefulness, and allure that have many men’s mouths on the floor.

    Since many (most?) of my dating gal pals are also spirited, self-assured and spunky, it made me wonder if this was a guy magnet or repellent. While many men are drawn to Leila’s beauty and sexuality, is their infatuation only in fantasy form? Or would they actually be drawn to women like that in real life? Since Leila is engaged, she’s obviously found a man who likes her mixture of strength and sensuality.

    Many men are intimidated by feisty women. And as more women have made our way on our own, either through divorce, widowhood, or life-long singledom, we’ve had to be strong to survive. Sometimes that strength overrides softness or femininity. We forget how to be sensual. Leila is a great role model for how to exude the perfect balance.

    Feisty WomenMy friend Ava Diamond wrote a powerful book called Great Quotes from Feisty Women. She says, “A feisty woman is vibrant, gusty, lives boldly, is true to herself, and embraces her power as a woman.” Does this sound like you?

    What do you think about feisty women and dating? Is it easier or harder for them?

    This posting was #72 of the global blog host WordPress’s top 100 posts of the day. So of all the millions of postings to the blogs WordPress hosts, this posting was the 72nd most popular. Cool!

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  • Does dancing skill equal lovemaking prowess?

    Dirty DancingIn “Dirty Dancing,” we are seduced by Patrick Swayze’s dance moves. He is so smooth, so sexy, so hot. We long for a man who moves like that, who is so sure of himself and knows how to move with us in perfect union. But was he as good in intimate situations as he was in public?

    As we left the dance floor, a date stated that he could tell what kind of lover a woman was by how she danced. I was surprised at the comment, as I’d never heard it before. So I began comparing the dancing style of my former lovers.

    However, I haven’t danced with many of my sweeties, and I haven’t made love with many dance partners. So that narrowed down the field for analysis. What could I tell about those who I’d experienced in both situations? Was my date right? Could I tell what kind of lover a man would be by how he danced?

    There were some correlations. These are the characteristics that were discernible in both environments:

    • Confidence (or shyness)
    • Fun and laughter (or seriousness)
    • Tenderness (or roughness)
    • Sensitivity to partner’s mood and needs (or insensitivity)
    • Uninhibitedness (or reservedness)
    • Generosity (or self-focused)
    • Initiative (or lack thereof)
    • Comfortable in his body, unembarrassed with how he moves, likes how movement feels (or self-conscious)
    • Controlling (or allowing for ebb and flow between partners)

    However, I’m sure there are many exceptions. Someone could be an excellent ballroom dancer, for example, and be too formulaic in bed. Or maybe someone is a great lover, but has two left feet on the dance floor. Some people perform better with an audience and some worse.

    What’s your experience? Have you had great lovers who were also great dancers? Or was one experience much better than the other?

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  • When to remove your online profile?

    You’ve been dating your guy for a little while — perhaps 1-3 months. You like him a lot and he seems to like you similarly. You have no interest in seeing anyone else, and he says he isn’t seeing anyone else. He asks you what he says to men who email you, and you say, “Thank you but I’m seeing someone right now.” He says he does the same thing to the women who contact him.

    So why is his profile still visible on the dating site? And for that matter, why is yours?

    This subject of when to remove or hide your online profile is a tricky one. If one of you removes your profile and the other doesn’t, it can cause tension. In fact, removing it within the first month of dating can make him think you are more serious — or needy — than he is and may scare him. But not taking it down after having the “exclusivity” discussion can cause more problems.

    I remember dating a man for a month before checking the site on which we met to see if I had any new emails to which I needed to respond “No thank you.” I was surprised to see that he had been on the site the same day! He’d told me he wasn’t dating others, so why was he online? I asked him. He stuttered something unconvincing. While I thought everything was going swimmingly, I could see by his actions that he was still fishing in the pond. I began to check the site daily and noticed he was always on within 24 hours.

    So when should you hide or remove your profile? Whenever you’re disinterested in meeting others. You don’t have to announce this to your guy if you don’t want. However, at some point, typically somewhere between 1 and 3 months, if you both say you want to be exclusive, you need to remove your profile from public view. It shows the other you are serious about removing yourself from the dating marketplace. To not do so shows you are still wanting to see who else might contact you.

    Yahoo!PersonalsIf you check back a week later and find his profile is still visible to the public, ask him about it. Some sites, like Yahoo!Personals allow you to hide your profile from anyone new, but those who you’ve had past contact can still see it. So don’t log in when you check or you’ll still be able to see his profile, even if he’s hidden it.

    You can hide your profile without actually canceling your account. When you both decide to cancel your accounts — to all the sites on which you’re listed, not just the one on which you met — it shows a deeper commitment. No, you don’t have to be living together or engaged at this point, but sure that you want to give this relationship all you have. If he balks at canceling, he’s not serious.

    And if you balk when he asks you to remove your profile or cancel your account, you are still unsure. Let him know. Don’t string him along, just as you wouldn’t want him to lead you on. The proof is in the profile — or lack thereof.

    Got a topic on dating after 40 you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.

  • “Tell me about yourself”

    The first real-time contact with a potential date can be awkward. You may have a sketchy description from an online profile, or just a few minutes of information from the friend who connected you. You want to find out more about him, but you’re not sure how to ask without seeming like you’re interrogating. So how do you ask?

    There are many ways. But let’s start with a question that gets the hairs on my neck standing on end. It is the seemingly innocuous:

    “Tell me about yourself.”

    Why does this irritate me so? Because it is so brainless. It says, “I haven’t bothered to read or remember anything about you. So instead of asking you to tell me more detail about what I know about you, I’m asking the most inane question I can muster. I’m not very creative, thoughtful, or inquisitive.”

    Equally inane ones are,

    • “Why are you still single?”
    • “Why did you divorce?”
    • “Do you have kids?” (It says I don’t in my profile. You read my profile, right? I didn’t think so.)
    • “Why haven’t you married?” (To someone who says he’s not divorced or separated.)

    Here are some ones I’ve found more interesting:

    • “What’s your favorite response to ‘Why are you still single?’ Now what’s the real reason.”
    • “What do you feel you might have done to save your marriage?”
    • “What’s your favorite part about being a dad?”
    • “In your next relationship, how do you want to prevent whatever went awry in your marriage?”

    There are myriad other questions you can ask which get progressively deeper and more revealing as you get to know him. The point is before you speak to him, think about some gently probing questions you can ask. Don’t be confrontational, but ask questions that get you to uncover values you find important.

    Once I went out with a man who complained that his divorce cost him over $100,000, even though he’d just told me the marriage was over years before and they just stayed together for the kids. I asked, “If it was over long ago for both of you, why was she so acrimonious?” He paused for a moment, as apparently no one had ever asked that before. Then he said, “Probably because of the extra marital relationships.” I said, “Yes, that would do it!”

    You can learn a lot not only by what a person asks you, but how he answers your questions. Try to make yours interesting, unusual and about issues that are important to you.

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  • Virtually falling for a guy

    I mean “virtually” two ways:

    1. As the dictionary defines it: “nearly, almost” as in not really; and
    2. Via the computer and/or phone; not face to face.

    My neighbor and I were once again comparing dating notes. She’s dipped her toe in the dating water a bit the last 6 months, going out with a handful of men. Currently, she is emailing two men she met through Chemistry.com. Both are interesting, intelligent, witty, and engaging. She finds the email veil allows her to get to know their personalities without the distraction of determining if she is physically attracted to either one.

    However, while it is important to enjoy getting to know how a guy thinks and communicates — at least in writing — we all know that it takes more than discourse to create a love interest.

    I have fallen for guys because of their emails or then through their phone calls only to have the attraction dissipate when meeting face to face. Sometimes it is my not finding them appealing, or they have irritating habits that quickly surface. Or they are not drawn to me, or I have some twitch that sends them packing.

    Scotish castleA Kansas-based friend of mine communicated with a man in Scotland via email, then in nightly hour-long VOIP conversations. They even frequently sent care packages to each other. After six months, he took 2 weeks vacation to come meet her. Because of his limited funds, he asked if he could crash on her couch in the small 2-bedroom, 1-bath house she shared with her 2 daughters.

    Although they had exchanged pictures, of course the 3-dimensional person looked different than either expected. But because they had built up a bond through the ether, they were at least not repulsed. However, as each day of his visit progressed, she became less and less enamored with him. Since this 38-year-old man lived with his parents, he didn’t bother to pick up his wet towels from her bathroom floor, nor help with any dinner preparation or clean up. After dinner, his rear became wedged in her recliner while she and the girls cleaned up. Other irritating, self-absorbed habits quickly emerged so she was ready to send him packing in less than a week. The “real” Scot was quite different than the “virtual” one.

    If he isn’t in person as you’d hoped, it’s easy to think that all the time you spent communicating with a guy is wasted. Perhaps you are honest and say, “I’ve really liked how we communicated these last few weeks, but I’m not feeling the spark to think we have a romantic connection. Would you be willing for us to remain in contact as friends?” Many men see this as the kiss of death and may say “yes” but not initiate nor respond to any contact in the future.

    During those weeks of emailing, you have, no doubt, enjoyed yourself, so it was a form of entertainment. And you may have learned something about yourself as you responded to his questions. Maybe he asked, “Who do you think the best US president was?” and you hadn’t really thought about it. You spend a little time ruminating before you respond, then are pleased with your answer and supporting arguments. You’ve uncovered something you didn’t know about yourself!

    And of course, maybe he’ll accept your invitation — or offer his own — to be your pal. I keep in touch with over a dozen guys I went out with who are now my pals and I treasure each of them. So even if you have the attitude that you don’t need any more friends, don’t totally discard an interesting guy so quickly, even if there is no romantic spark. And you never know when a romantic spark may be kindled once you get to know each other’s hearts better.

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