dating over 50

You were contacted online by a man who lives 75 minutes away. You exchange a few emails; you have a nice phone conversation. You accept his coffee invitation for a few days hence, agreeing to meet half way.

You think about the conversation for a few days, realizing he disclosed a few things that make you know you aren’t a good match in terms of temperament and interests, plus there’s the distance issue. You think about the time it will take — 30 minutes to get ready, 45 minutes to drive there, 30-60 minutes for coffee, 45 minutes to drive home. You realize you don’t have enough evidence that this would be worth three hours to meet this guy.

I went out with a delightful man three times while King Charming and I were broken up for a few weeks some months ago. When KC and I decided to get back together, I told this man the news. Since we are in the same field and I liked his personality, I asked if we could stay in touch as pals. He said he’d like that.

Over the past 4 months we’ve talked for an hour every few weeks, taken several long walks together, and attended a professional meeting. I shared with him the final demise of my relationship with KC, and we talked for an hour about what we’ve learned from past relationships. We laugh a lot, flirt some, and share our successes and setbacks.

Sounds like a great relationship, huh?

In response to a friend asking how I was doing, I told him of my most recent breakup experience — how cavalierly and insensitively my now-ex beau communicated his decision. I told my friend that despite my focusing on all the ways this man treated me disrespectfully, I was having a heck of a time moving on. 

A past beau called the little chores he did for me around my house “honey dues” and implied they were the dues men paid to make their woman happy.

I’ve generally thought it was sweet and loving when a man offered or agreed to help with small household jobs that I either couldn’t do alone or didn’t have the expertise to accomplish. Usually I call a handyman when I need help, but often a beau has offered assistance.

Honey do’s can be simple household maintenance acts via which a man shows his caring for you. A man replaced my leaking kitchen sink faucet to one with more features and no drips, for which I am appreciative every day. Another consolidated my audio equipment into a home entertainment center, which I love. Both men are gone from my life, but their thoughtful deeds live on and remind me of their kindnesses.

But sometimes I’ve paid more dearly to have my man’s help than to pay my handyman.

You’ve been dating a man for 2 months. There have been some issues to work out, but generally you really like the man. A discussion of exclusivity comes up. You each share what you need from a relationship to be exclusive and the other agrees to try to provide it, or if you know you can’t make meet a need, you say so. You both decide you’d really like to focus on each other and not date others. You agree to only see each other and remove your profiles from any dating sites.

A few weeks pass and your man is making some attempts to provide what you say you need, but the effort is inconsistent. You rack it up to he’s trying and you don’t expect perfection. But you aren’t consistently getting enough of what you want and you’re feeling disappointed.

On a first date, a man asked if I was a glass-half-full or half-empty kind of gal. Although a tad trite, no one else had asked directly if I was optimistic or pessimistic. I wondered who would admit to the latter, although I know some are attracted to others who share a negative world view.

I am drawn to positive people, those who aren’t stopped by obstacles, but look for ways around them. People who don’t focus on what’s missing as long as what is present brings you satisfaction.

A man I dated for a while expressed his attraction to me in an interesting way: “You have whip appeal.”

Huh? I’ve heard of men being “whipped” by their woman, and it is not a thing most men would admit to. In fact, a man’s pals may tease him about being “whipped” if he seems too besotted by his woman.

You may answer, “No. A man has to treat me right or he’s out of my life, no matter how handsome he is.”

Or perhaps you realize that good looks do buy some good will, often more than is warranted. It isn’t something most of us are proud to admit, but yes, we do allow hunky men to get by with some behaviors we wouldn’t accept from others. Shallow, I know.

You’ve stayed with him because it is magical when you are with him. He treats you like a queen. You have interesting conversations. He makes you laugh. And when you touch — electricity. You know this combination is rare, so you’ve put up with the parts that aren’t great.

But your needs aren’t being met. You’ve shared with him several times the specifics of what you need in a relationship. You know he heard you as he’s repeated them back to you and you occasionally see attempts at his giving you what you want. But there’s not consistent effort. So you feel frustrated at not getting what is important to you.

This morning I received an IM from my most recent ex-beau apologizing for having hurt and disappointed me. It allowed me to have closure, even though I had already released him in my mind and moved on. But actual closure, if done sanely, maturely and with care, has value even though closure just in your mind can be satisfying.

In our 45-minute discussion I was able to tell him how deeply he hurt me and share my feelings. I had considered doing this via email but thought he might delete it without opening it. So the IM discussion gave me the opportunity to share with him my reaction to his insensitive text and I know he heard me, whether or not he fully understood how his actions affected me.

Bemoaning to a psychologist friend the tale of a recent particularly jarring breakup, he said, “You need to ask better questions early on.” He was right. I thought I was reasonably good about asking important questions, but I hadn’t asked the one he suggested.

I painfully learned that my beau of many months had no interest in working out anything that wasn’t exactly what one of us wanted. He barely tolerated my bringing up any of my unmet needs and finding a mutually agreeable solution. However, in this breakup I learned that if something wasn’t as he wanted it, he just called it quits. No attempt to discuss it or explore a solution. I couldn’t imagine how anyone would expect a relationship to be perfect without any modifications, but that apparently was his perspective.