Dating-over-40 advice by the Dating Goddess™
When in Singapore in January, I learned about a Chinese legend that is supposed to help you attract love. It’s pretty simple.
In Chinatown, a friend pointed out two Mandarin duck figurines. She said if you put these little statues in your bedroom so they faced each other bill-to-bill, they would attract love to you.
Why?
Yesterday was my birthday. When your birthday approaches, do you ask yourself, “What do I want?” Not just tangible presents, but what would make you happy not only on that day, but in life? I do.
Approaching my birthday, I decided I wanted to spend it with King Charming. Since I didn’t expect him to intuit what I wanted, I thought of several experiences I could suggest that would make me happy:
There was only one problem: King Charming was out of town and not to return until after my birthday. So what would be Plan B that would still make me happy?
At dinner, a date once exclaimed, “Girl, I’m glad you like to eat!” I immediately wondered if I was wolfing down my meal, or if I had ordered too much and he thought I was pigging out. After quickly assessing I’d done neither, I asked what he meant.
DG reader Toni asks:
I just had a second date with a man who, during the show, put his hand on my leg. I removed it. To me that is way more intimate than holding hands or a hug is — the kind of intimate “owning” thing that a serious other does — not someone I don’t know at all.
This has happened to me on the first date! On one level, you could be flattered that he felt so comfortable with and attracted to you he behaved as if you’ve been dating longer. Or you could be incensed that he was so presumptuous and ungentlemanly that he would think this was okay.
Yes, most of us would be in the second camp.
Do you have biases about supposed characteristics attributed to a potential suitor’s personality, values and behaviors based on limited information? For example, do you think lawyers are hard-nosed and blood thirsty? Accountants are boring? Men over X age are sluggish and out of shape? Short men are…; tall men are…; men born abroad are…; men raised in certain religious traditions are….
No matter how open you like to think yourself to be, it is rare to not have some stereotypes based upon your experiences or your friends’ experiences. Even if you feel you are unaffected by the media’s depiction of certain professions, races, body types, religious backgrounds, etc., it is hard to not begin to lump men with similarities into some pigeonholes.
If you’ve dated more than a few men who you learned didn’t exactly live up to the hype they promised, you’ll appreciate this video. It’s a fun parody of the hip-hop love songs extolling the guy’s sexual prowess.
But what if one were to be this honest when dating? Admitting one’s inexperience, ineptitude and insecurities — especially early on when you are really wanting to impress your date? It would be somewhere between sad and refreshing, depending on how it was delivered.
DG reader Toni asks:
What is your sense about men who react to your online profile with a gushing email about how you are probably ‘the one’ for them, etc. and also who make several references to making love, the afterglow, etc. I feel uncomfortable when if a man seems to idealize me without ever meeting me…and also with references to sex, though I certainly like sex…but somehow it seems a bit out-of-form to bring it up in an introductory email. What is your take on all this?
For a relationship to work long term, I believe it’s important that you are able to fit into each other’s world. Not that you have to live parallel lives with the same profession, income, hobbies, etc.
But is important that you can easily slip into each other’s activities, gracefully converse with the other’s counterparts and dress appropriately for the occasion.
This seems common sense, I know. And you’d think that if you are drawn to a man he would automatically fit into your world. However, I can tell you from experience that just because you get along well with him, it doesn’t mean he will meld with your friends and/or colleagues.
Are you easily beguiled? Do you wear your heart on your sleeve? Are you prone to become prematurely smitten?
Or are you more cautious, perhaps bordering on detached, especially early on in dating someone? You keep your heart sheltered for as long as possible? Then you either succumb to being moonstruck or lose interest as there’s no heart connection?
I work to strike a balance knowing that most people are on their best behavior in the first few dates so I like to be a balance of engaged and detached. But once in a great while I’ll meet a guy who I go over the moon for quickly. Wham! He seems like the real deal. But so far, those have rarely lasted a month. The love-comet burns out quickly.
In Alison Armstrong’s second book, Making Sense of Men: A Woman’s Guide to a Lifetime of Love, Care and Attention from All Men, she discusses common misconceptions women have about men’s intentions and how to know if a man is just interested in sex or to have a more meaningful relationship. She calls the latter “charmed and enchanted” and even men not seeking a romantic relationship can be charmed and enchanted with you.
This book is essentially the script for the introductory free evening workshop her staff delivers to acquaint you to her concepts and entice you to register for the first of several weekend workshops they offer. I attended one of these some months ago and got a lot out of it and will take the weekend workshop soon.
The promo promises:
In every relationship, no matter how great, there are some hiccups: occasional miscommunication, unmet expectations, hurt and/or disappointment.
The test for any couple is how these hiccups are dealt with. Even a budding relationship has missteps as you get to know each other’s patterns, preferences and perspectives. It’s like dancing with a new partner — there will be some unintentional stepping on toes.
If you are unhappy about something the guy you’re seeing does, do you let him know gently but clearly? Or do you keep it to yourself? Do you take one instance as an indicator of a pattern and surmise it is a portent of bigger issues? Or do you give him a little slack and share with him that you’d prefer something different?
