A man has been wooing me the last 6 weeks, first via email while I was abroad, then during daily phone calls, emails and/or text messages.
We haven’t met, however, because 3 days after I returned home, he was called to his dying mother’s side 2000 miles away. While the doctors told him she only had a few days to live, she lived two weeks, only passing the other day. This week he’s finishing her burial plans and awaiting the rest of the family’s arrival for her funeral next weekend.
We’ve gotten close during this time, discussing important topics as we’ve shared stories of our childhoods and parental influences on us. I’m getting to know his values by what he talks about and what he asks me.
If we had met — assuming we hit it off after meeting — I might consider him my beau. He certainly behaves beau-like — at least as much as one can long distance — calling me every day, asking about my life, values and opinions. But this is backwards — usually people get closer after meeting. I’ve done this before — become close to a man via weeks of phone and email, then when we met, zippo. No connection or chemistry. So I’m working to not get attached to him until we meet.
It’s always a quandary to give a word to this type of relationship. Not boyfriend. Not beau. Wooer? When I saw a bunch of my friends at a conference this weekend, they asked, “Are you seeing anyone special?” I’d stammer, “I’m being wooed by an interesting man, but we haven’t had a date yet.” I could have easily said, “Yes, I have a boyfriend whom I haven’t met.”
But the challenge bigger than what to call him is how much to allow myself to feel connected to him. It seems like jump starting an intimacy that usually begins with meeting and a mutual agreement to get to know each other better.
So to keep from getting too attached I continue to entertain inquiries from men who meet my criteria. I’m slated to have coffee with two new men this week, and perhaps see Playgirl Guy. By not putting all my eggs in one man-basket, I think I’ll be better able to assess my connection with the mystery man when we meet next week.
Have you ever become attached to someone after weeks of regular chatting? If so, how did you keep yourself from getting too attached, knowing you had to meet face-to-face before determining if you wanted to invest more energy and emotion?
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Personally, I avoid sharing too much personal info before meeting someone for the first time. Keep it light and airy. No heavy talk, no three-hour chat marathons about our hopes and dreams. No way. I’ve done that in the past only to be disappointed when we finally do meet the first time or never even getting to that first meeting because the guy goes POOF! before then.
So, until you meet and know that the emotional attachment is real and reciprocal, he’s just a guy you’re talking to. Period.
P.S. By the way DG, do you plan to continue dating like this for the foreseeable future or do you think you will take an extended break this year from online dating? I admire your stamina and will to keep going but it seems like it would be really draining after so many hits and misses.
Hi DG,
I completely agree with you on the “let’s not expend too much psychic energy until we meet” approach. I’ve done that twice – e-mailed for months in one case – only to meet and discover the in-person chemistry was non-existent! I
I’ve been e-mailing with someone else for about a month now because of the distance between us, and he’s talking about driving down to meet me. But I’m afraid that if the chemistry’s not present, he’ll have made a drive for nothing. I’m thinking of suggesting that we meet half-way (we’re about 60 miles apart) – so that if I can’t see myself spending much time with the man at all, I don’t feel obligated because he drove for hours. What do you think?
Sherri
My guy is 70 miles away but about 5 days after our first emails he happened to be driving right past where I live so we met for lunch and…boom. It’s just over a year later and it just gets better and better.
I had put an arbitrary 100 mile limit when I was dating, and I did cover some miles during that time.
I don’t think driving 30 miles to meet someone is too much of a bother, really. Curiosity would would have gotten me at least that far!
You do not have a boyfriend. You are talking to someone who is living “in his head.” This fellow is engaged in a rich fantasy life and can’t be bothered with the messiness of reality. Sometimes he may not be able to participate in real life because he is married or living with someone. Whichever it is, you may never know. He gets exactly what he wants out of the “virtual” relationship, but do you? If the answer is no, then you know what you need to do. Let him know he either has to meet you for a date or else you will break off contact.
I have absolutely no patience for this kind of guy, and I refuse to invest weeks of time in someone I might never meet. That time could be much better spent meeting someone new who actually wants to take me out on a date. Do yourself a favor, and cut him — and yourself — loose.