Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Category: Assessing your assets

  • Are you expecting a wild horse to act tame?

    DG reader Terri writes:

    The middle-aged man I’ve been seeing for a few months is Mr. Spontaneity. He rarely plans anything in his life more than a day in advance, including our getting together. Last week he called me as he was leaving his house — 45-minutes away — and asked if I would have lunch with him. Luckily, I could swing it. I’ve told him I’d like at least a day’s notice, but he doesn’t seem to be able to shift his mind from the here and now. I considered saying “no” to lunch just to show him I’m not always available, but I wanted to see him, and to say no when I was available seemed game playing.

    Last night I’d been invited to a small dinner party and invited him to accompany me. I’d told him about it last week and reminded him again a few days ago. He said he had to check something and he’d get back to me. He never did. I texted and called him before I left for the event, but only heard from him an hour ago. He’d gone out of town to visit friends for the weekend, without a word to me.

    I was livid thinking how disrespectful this was to not let me know he wouldn’t be attending. When we are together he is the epitome of respectful, kind, and attentive. But when we’re not, he doesn’t call or text for a few days. We’ve discussed how neither of us is interested in seeing others, so I don’t think another woman is taking his focus. I’m not sure what to do. I want to have someone I can depend on to attend social functions, not a fly-by-night lover.

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  • Is it persuasion, manipulation or enticement?

    Persuasion: a means of persuading someone to do something

    Manipulate: control or influence (a person or situation) cleverly, unfairly, or unscrupulously

    Entice: attract or tempt by offering pleasure or advantage

    Yesterday, I was accused of trying to manipulate someone. It threw me for a loop as that was 180% opposite of my intention. Truth be told, I wasn’t even trying to persuade nor entice them. An off-hand comment that I thought was being playful was taken in the worst possible way, and elicited an indictment of my morals, integrity and motives. I was quite taken aback.

    It caused me to examine the word and the distinction between persuasion, manipulation or enticement, especially in the context of dating and romantic relationships.

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  • Are you making bad decisions out of loneliness?

    Nearly every unpartnered person gets lonely sometimes. If you long for more social interaction, you will do nearly anything to connect with other human beings. I think it’s why so many people hang out in bars, Starbucks, or the library. (See “What’s your ‘need for affiliation’?“) I didn’t understand why anyone could get any work done in a coffee shop with the loud expresso machines and the constant bustle, but then I realized some people thrive on being near others, even if there’s little interaction.

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  • He wants to get sexual — online!

    A DG reader writes:

    This has happened a few times so am wondering if it is just me, or is common with midlife guys — or just midlife guys on online dating sites. We begin a fun banter via email or IM. I don’t get dirty with them, just playful. Some time passes — anywhere from an hour to a few weeks. We haven’t met. Their IMs go from playful and flirty to dirty, telling me what they want to do to me, or what they imagine us doing naked, etc., often graphically.

    I say I don’t want to go there. They persist. I sign off. They apologize. Then they start again.

    If I don’t care about the guy, I block his IMs. But if I liked him before he went porno on me, I think I ought to give him a second chance. Should I just put my foot down and say I’m uncomfortable going there? Or should I play along, knowing I’ll never meet some of them anyway? If I play along and then we agree to meet, I’m afraid he’ll jump me as soon as we say hello.

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  • Making your own happiness

    Yesterday was my birthday. When your birthday approaches, do you ask yourself, “What do I want?” Not just tangible presents, but what would make you happy not only on that day, but in life? I do.

    Approaching my birthday, I decided I wanted to spend it with King Charming. Since I didn’t expect him to intuit what I wanted, I thought of several experiences I could suggest that would make me happy:

    • going dancing
    • having drinks on the patio of a favorite restaurant at sunsetfondue
    • hiking through a local park to admire the wildflowers
    • a drive and overnight through a picturesque part of our area
    • dinner at a local fondue restaurant
    • going to a comedy club

    There was only one problem: King Charming was out of town and not to return until after my birthday. So what would be Plan B that would still make me happy?

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  • Becoming besotted

    Are you easily beguiled? Do you wear your heart on your sleeve? Are you prone to become prematurely smitten?

    Or are you more cautious, perhaps bordering on detached, especially early on in dating someone? You keep your heart sheltered for as long as possible? Then you either succumb to being moonstruck or lose interest as there’s no heart connection?

    I work to strike a balance knowing that most people are on their best behavior in the first few dates so I like to be a balance of engaged and detached. But once in a great while I’ll meet a guy who I go over the moon for quickly. Wham! He seems like the real deal. But so far, those have rarely lasted a month. The love-comet burns out quickly.

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  • Is he willing to be vulnerable?

    Women typically say they want a guy who is willing to be vulnerable with them, and with whom they can be the same. I’ve dated some men for months who never shared a vulnerable thought, even if I asked about his hopes, fears, dreams and regrets. Nothing.

    So I was pleased that a man I’ve been talking to for 3 weeks, but we haven’t yet met, was comfortable enough to cry on the phone with me. The circumstances were extenuating: his mother had just died, it was the day before the funeral, none of his siblings would help with the funeral in any way so everything fell on him. He was stressed over this, grief stricken, getting pressure from his job to return to work. Anyone would have cracked at this — or even less.

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  • Has your guy been metro-ed?

    Metro manMetro — as in metrosexual. According to Dictionary.com metrosexual, or metro, describes “a heterosexual male who has a strong aesthetic sense and inordinate interest in appearance and style, similar to that of homosexual males.”
    UrbanDictionary.com includes the following description: “Mint (great) guys who are SNAGs (Sensitive New Age Guys) and follow the following rules:

    1. dress hot
    2. wear awesome shoes
    3. have very modern haircut
    4. disgusted with the thought of being with another man
    5. have perfect skin and love skin products
    6. love the gym
    7. own nothing but designer everything
    8. read style magazines often e.g, GQ
    9. know how to make only the best cocktails and if they drink beer it’s top-of-the-line imported
    10. can’t deal with a mess”

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  • Yes, it is all about you

    ImageChef.com - Custom comment codes for MySpace, Hi5, Friendster and more Yesterday, Price Considerate shared that in a moment of candor one of his mentees disclosed he was first put off by PC, in part because that day PC’s shoes didn’t match his pants. PC explained to him that sometimes he doesn’t pay as much attention to those details as he should, but he didn’t get defensive. He said it launched an insightful discussion into the types of things about which his mentee was judgmental. He said, “I was clear my mentee’s comment wasn’t really about me, but about him.”

    Yes, it was. Anytime we are triggered by something another does, it is about us. The mentee’s comment created an opening to explore why he was judgmental about something as minor as a clothing mismatch.

    Whenever I’m reminded of an insight generator, I like to see how it applies to me. After all, it is all about me! (Just as these things are about you, too, if you care to look.) I asked myself what dates I’d rejected because of minor things, perhaps not shoe/pants mismatches, but things like table manners, lack of chivalry, unconscious comments. Was I, like the mentee, making more of these hiccups than I should? Did I reject some good guys because of seemingly small things?

    My justification is that even minor indiscretions are indicative of core behavior and beliefs. If a man doesn’t call when he says he will and has no viable excuse, I declare him inconsiderate. If he doesn’t help with my coat, he’s unconscious of manners. If he wears wrinkled clothing on dates, he doesn’t have pride in his appearance. The list goes on.

    On the other end of the spectrum of responses to these behaviors is just to notice and accept them without judgment. I don’t live on that end of the continuum very much. Of course, it is easier to accept a man’s idiosyncrasies if you know you’re not interested in a long term relationship with him — or if you aren’t married to him!

    The challenge comes when our rationale for rejecting him is clearly so “right.” Of course you feel justified not accepting a second date since he didn’t bother to iron his shirt to make a good impression on you. But some women wouldn’t even notice. And ironing is a fixable issue and you may be rejecting a charming, loving, affectionate, loyal man over an issue that a laundry service could easily solve. This is about you because of a notion that the man you want to be with would have the good sense to wear ironed clothes, even though you overlook other stellar qualities to focus on a sub-par superficial one.

    In your dating adventures, what behaviors from your dates has triggered something that allowed you to look deeper into your motivations, values and behaviors?

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  • The man-sieve

    Unless you live in a remote area, there are eligible, age-appropriate single men all around you. You have developed a filter for either attracting them or not, or accepting or rejecting date requests.

    sieveBefore you began dating you may have said, “I don’t really know what I want, so I’ll go out with anyone who asks.” Your “man-sieve” has small holes and catches many men.

    Or you set abundant criteria a man must meet before you’ll consider going out with him. Your man-sieve is loosely meshed, with large holes, allowing all but a very few to pass through.

    As you date a few men, you adjust the man strainer. If you meet too many men who don’t meet your minimum criteria, you loosen your sieve so more fall through, only allowing the ones who are a likely match to be caught.

    Or if you find nearly no one meets your expectations, you realize you are being unrealistic and you allow a few more to be caught. Maybe rather than insisting a man be 6′ tall you go out with 5-foot-11 or 5-foot-10 ones. Or rather than turning down anyone who doesn’t have a 4-year college degree, you look for intelligence, articulateness, and worldliness, even though he left Harvard mid-way, à la Bill Gates.

    Have you examined your man-sieve lately? We often do so after a particularly odious date — “I’ve got to develop better criteria for who I’ll go out with.” Eventually you come upon a good mix of must-haves with nice-to-haves. You refine your filter so you are only going out with men who are good potential matches.

    What have you noticed about how you’ve adjusted your man sieve over time? Have you tightened or loosened your criteria — or perhaps some of both?

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  • Giving and receiving emotional support

    emotional support“My ex-girlfriend wanted me to support her emotionally, but she didn’t do the same in return,” my sweetie shared.

    “Hmm. I’m not sure I’d know the signs that someone was wanting emotional support unless they were crying or upset. What are the signs you want or need emotional support?” I asked.

    “Good question. I don’t really know. I just know I didn’t get what I needed from her when I had an upsetting day.”

    “What was missing that you wanted? If I were to emotionally support you, what would that look like?”

    “Again, a great question. I’m not sure.”

    So he didn’t know how to tell he needed it, or what it would look like, but he knew he didn’t get it. Sounds a bit convoluted, but I think we can relate to knowing something is missing, but not knowing exactly what that is. For some, it would be a lack of compliments or positive acknowledgment of your accomplishments. For others it is listening when they’ve had an upsetting event or a bad day, without trying to offer solutions.

    Being a bit unsure myself of what emotional support meant exactly, I asked a very emotionally supportive friend for her definition.

    listenng signpost“When someone is upset, you don’t try to solve the problem, especially since some are without resolution, especially around kids or spouses. But instead, just to actively listen, and ask about the person’s feelings. Things like, ‘How did that make you feel?’ or ‘I bet that hurt your feelings,’ or ‘Why do you think that comment hit you so hard?’ You don’t focus on activities, outcomes or solutions, but instead on helping them identify their feelings, and then, if they are interested, on the source of those feelings.”

    In my life when I’ve been upset and someone has commented on my emotions, I’ve felt absolutely heard. If someone focuses on just the solution, I feel less heard. We know this intellectually, and many of us have taken (or taught!) courses on active listening, but sometimes in our romantic relationships we forget to apply what we know.

    How do you let someone know you need emotional support? Early in my marriage, I tried to offer suggestions to ease my ex’s upsets. (I know this is counter-stereotypical.) He finally told me he needed me to hear him out first, before offering solutions. For a while after that I’d ask, “Do you want me in active-listening mode or in problem-solving mode?” Nearly always he’d say the former. I learned to listen first and he’d let me know when he wanted some ideas for solutions.

    Do you know how to let someone else know you need emotional support? And what exactly it looks like to you — active listening, being held, only asking questions, not solutions? And do you know how to detect when your guy wants emotional support? What does it look like to him? It may be very different than what you need.

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