Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Category: Assessing your assets

  • Where are you on the relationship recovery path?

    DG reader Devon wrote:

    All divorced people are in a different place along the post-divorce road. I met someone wonderful last summer, attraction, chemistry, great sex, good conversation and we had fun. It lasted 3 months, I was ready for a companion, he was still recovering from the break up of his family and the stress of a recent divorce. After 4 years of being single I have a different outlook and want something different than a newly divorced man. I wonder if anyone has put a name to the stages of recovery from divorce, there must be similar things people go through. I would guess we all go through a rediscovery of (good) sex.

    Some of the men I’ve dated might have been keepers if the timing had been better. Since the healing process is different for everyone the whole thing is rather unpredictable. Any thoughts?

    Good point, Devon. Yes, I think there are stages of recovery after a the end of an important relationship. However, it can be hard to identify where you are in your own recovery, let alone determine someone else’s. Here are some steps on the path.

    First, you need to grieve the loss of the relationship and your life with your ex. If you jump too soon into a new relationship, you aren’t fully available to be with a new person.

    The path includes admitting how you contributed — even a bit — to the decline of the relationship, even if he treated you hideously. If you don’t look at why you got into or stayed in a dysfunctional relationship, you’re doomed to repeat the same pattern until you identify your part and work to heal it.

    Once you are healed, you learn (if you hadn’t already) how to enjoy time by yourself without needing a man in your life. Once you are centered and happy, you can choose to open your heart to another and begin dating. If you start before this point, you will be frustrated and disappointed about the men who you attract to you. Even after this point, you may still attract men who are not good matches. But it’s all part of the process if you learn from it and don’t make judgments about “all men are jerks, cads, sex crazed, etc.”

    What are your thoughts on the relationship recovery path? Are there steps missing in the above? What would you add? How do you know where you are on the path — or how to tell where someone else is?

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  • Good first-date advice from a gay man

    The following was written by Brian Rzepczynski, “The Gay Love Coach” but the concepts apply to heterosexual relationships as well. I thought his concepts were so good, I wanted to share them with you (with his permission). Change the gender references to what fits for you.

    “The First Date: Assessing His Boyfriend Potential”

    You sit on the lumpy lounge chair at the local coffee shop, sipping your cappuccino while trying to look occupied reading today’s local newspaper, your eyes periodically shifting to the front door of the shop, hoping to catch a quick glance of the man you’ll be meeting for the first time. You’ve had a million first dates, it seems, but the nervous anticipation and excitement always seems to show itself through your sweaty palms and rapid heartbeat. What will this meeting be like? Could he be “The One?”

    Even though your blood’s pumping at the prospect of meeting someone new, you feel confident and relaxed within yourself as you approach this situation. You’ve worked hard to be a good, upstanding man and you recognize that you’re a “good catch.” You’re comfortable with who you are and you have a solid vision for what you’re looking for in a potential mate, having taken the time to craft a dating plan that emphasizes your personal needs, wants, values, and requirements in a relationship and partner. Your first date here is an opportunity to meet and get to know a new person with no expectations of outcome. You are going to be yourself, knowing that this isn’t about performance, and you’ll have a chance to briefly gauge whether this man possesses some of the traits and qualities that you seek in a Mr. Right. Your thoughts are interrupted by the presence of the handsome creature that now stands before you. You both shake hands as you greet, smiles beaming, and he proceeds to sit down to begin the get-to-know-you dialogues.

    Who is this man sitting across from you? Is he boyfriend potential? While compatibility largely rests on the goodness-of-fit between the two of you with your relationship visions and attraction/chemistry, this article will pose some provoking questions for you to track the answers for when you begin your dating quests with new people and learn about whether they’re your “type” or not. These questions can act as guideposts through your dating journey. And remember, the answers you obtain do not reflect upon this person as being “good” or “bad.” The answers are simply used as a way to help you quickly determine if this individual matches with your personal requirements so that you can make informed choices that will promote your achieving a successful and lasting relationship with your Mr. Right.

    The First Date Evaluation

    Generally speaking, first dates are usually better structured when they’re short, focused, and allow for lots of dialogue. Learn as much as you can about this person so you can begin the process of “sizing up” his compatibility with your vision and needs. According to David Steele, founder of the Relationship Coaching Institute, there are four critical skills that singles must possess during their life-partner quest. Two of those skills are relevant to our discussion here. “Sorting is the process of quickly determining if someone you meet has future potential. A successful single is able to initiate contact with people and in conversation get enough information within 5 minutes to know whether they want to get to know them better or move on. Think of “working the room” at a party. Screening is the process of getting enough information to determine if a prospective partner meets your requirements or not. Since requirements are relationship breakers, all of them must be met. Getting this information can occur over the telephone, by email, over coffee, or taking a walk. If you are looking for your life partner, you can’t afford to explore dead ends; and it is important to get this information BEFORE you date them and get involved.” (Steele, 2002)

    While it’s impossible to get the full scope of a person on a first date, you should be on the lookout for any possible “red flags” that would halt the possibility of a second date. Or perhaps he will have inspired some intrigue in you to invest further in getting more acquainted with him. So when conversing with the man sitting across from you, think about some of the following points to help you ponder how you’d like to proceed with this particular gentleman:

    1. What is your immediate reaction upon seeing your date? How do you feel? Do you find him physically attractive and inviting? Does he appear to take care of himself and have good grooming and hygiene?
    2. Does he maintain eye contact with you as he speaks or is he looking around the room at the other guys (very disrespectful!)?
    3. Does he appear attentive and genuinely interested in what you have to say? Notice his body posture and whether it’s open or closed.
    4. Does he display a good sense of humor and is he able to laugh, relax, and have fun with your interaction? Does he exhibit good verbal and social skills or seem stiff and have difficulty maintaining and initiating conversations?
    5. Is there a good balance between his talking about himself vs. his asking you questions about yourself? Or does he monopolize the time talking only about his life? Or does he not engage in any self-disclosure at all?
    6. How are his manners? Is he polite, thoughtful, and considerate? Based on your first impression of his manners, would Mom approve of his behavior? Do you feel comfortable being with him or do you experience embarrassment by his behavior?
    7. What does he talk about? Notice any themes? Does he seem positive and upbeat or negative and pessimistic? When he talks, does he seem judgmental, petty, and put down other people or himself?
    8. Does he seem to have goals, aspirations, and ambitions? Does he exude excitement about life and possibilities? Is he passionate? How well-rounded does he seem? Does he have varied interests and hobbies, have an active lifestyle and seem reasonably intelligent and able to converse about a variety of topics and current events?
    9. Does he place a lot of emphasis on sex during your time together? If so, this may be a priority for him and it’ll be important to ensure what type of relationship he’s seeking (casual sex or dating) so you can decide if this fits with your needs.
    10. At the end of the date, how would you rate the experience and your interest on a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the highest? Is there chemistry? Do you feel drawn to him on multiple levels?

    Food For Thought

    There are, of course, many other questions and criteria you may have, but these points may be a good starting point to launch from on a first date. There tend to be three types of personality styles that men can bring to a first date situation. One are those men who are on their best behavior to try to impress you, gain your approval, or please you to compensate for perceived weaknesses they have so they can “snag” another date from you. Another type are those men who struggle with shyness, anxiety, and insecurity, so the behavior they display during the date may not actually be reflective of who they really are until they feel more comfortable. And then there are those who present their “real self,” an accurate portrayal of who they really are. It may be helpful to keep this in mind when deciding about whether to transition into an exit or for an invitation for another date.

    Conclusion

    Knowing who you are and being clear on what you want is critical during your time in the dating pool. This knowledge will take you far in weeding out those men who may not be particularly good matches for you and will save you a lot of time, energy, and frustration. You may need several dates with someone to assess their potential and you may find during the process that some of these men may be more suitable as friends —- another addition to your support network!

    Thinking too much about these questions can be distracting, so try to avoid being too much in your head during the date. Analyzing and being too cognitive will take away from your date, causing you to miss certain cues during the interaction that would be important and lead you to not focus on being a good listener. Be fully present with your date and enjoy the experience, no matter how it turns out because you will have still learned something. Additionally, try to turn the above questions back on yourself and assess how these factors apply to your style. These questions may provide clues about the areas of your life and personality that are strengths and weaknesses and can be a tool to help you develop goals for self-improvement to make yourself even more “dateable!”

    *References: Steele, David (2002). Relationship Coaching Institute.

    © 2005 Brian L. Rzepczynski

  • Looking for a connection

    “I’ve had a lot of sex in my life. I’m looking for a connection. Sex is an important element in a long-term relationship, but it’s not the only important thing.” My jaw was agape as I heard him share his philosophy.

    I admit it. I’ve come to expect the polar opposite from midlife men in the dating scene. Not that they can’t be great guys. But — at least in my three years of dating — it is a very rare man who doesn’t want or expect sex reasonably soon in a dating relationship. Somehow the concept of a woman wanting/needing an emotional connection is elusive to nearly all the men I’ve gone out with. Is it that I tend to attract horn dogs? Or are there just more of them involved in Internet dating?

    The man who said he wanted a connection was unique. I hadn’t encountered anyone like him. I asked him what made him have this point of view.

    “A lot of personal development work. I saw that in my past dating relationships I’d put too much emphasis on sex and pressed for it before I really knew the woman. We’d wake up next to each other a few months after beginning dating and realize we didn’t really know if we had compatible values, goals, or beliefs. Our relationship was based mostly on sex. And I decided I wanted more.”

    I could have kissed him right then. But he was driving, so I saved it for later.

    unicornI’d heard there are men out there like this — in fact many of our male DG readers are, based on their comments. But to actually be dating one — I felt like I’d come upon a unicorn. Single men like this are rumored to be out there, but encountering one personally — what a treat.

    Have you dated men who wanted a solid connection before becoming sexual? If so, how has that worked out?

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  • Can an ambitious gal find happiness with a lackadaisical guy?

    Bev, a DG reader, shared:

    I met a guy a couple months ago, and I really like him. He is everything I could possibly ask for, except for one thing, he doesn’t work. He is only 43 and on a pension. He told me that he was ill for two years and has not worked for two years since he got well.

    I like to consider myself an understanding person and am always thoughtful of the well-being of others. The fact that he hasn’t worked for quite some time, and I don’t see any improvement in that area, except that he says he is planning to start his own business “sometime” has me concerned.

    pint of beerI work very hard as a single mother with 2 teens, and I do a lot of overtime when I can. I don’t have a lot of time for pleasure, but I do try to get out as much as I can, and this guy has all the time in the world to go out to pubs and stay up all night through the week, and sleep as much through the day as he wants. All of this just doesn’t sit well with me.

    I really like him a lot, and he has a lot to offer as far as a relationship goes, and he has told me that he really wants me, but I am just not sure I can deal with the fact that he is unemployed and living on a very tight budget. I don’t want to make myself look materialistic, and I don’t feel that I am, but I am torn and I don’t know what to do.

    So he’s on a very tight budget but he goes to the pub multiple times a week? He has money for a few pints, but not enough to have the lifestyle that matches yours?

    This is a tough one. My ex and I had different levels of ambition and lifestyle desires. It created tension as he was happy with thrift-store furniture, for example, and I wanted nicer things. He liked to camp and hike on vacation and I’m a more bed-and-breakfast kinda gal. Money issues are one of the top topics couples argue about.

    You’ve only been seeing him for a few months. I’d say that when it is time to have the “exclusivity” talk, you should share what you need to feel comfortable being in a relationship. Some men need a little wake up call to see that if they want to be with a great woman, they need to think beyond their own lifestyle choices. If he wants to continue living a meager life, he can do so. And you’ll choose to see him along with others, decide you don’t want to settle for constant financial struggles, or that you’ll continue as it is now and see if he starts to shift his financial situation.

    Whatever you do, don’t stifle your desires without communicating. It will only cause you both frustration. Best to share your vision of what you want and both of you deciding if you can sign on to creating a life together that you both love.

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  • Prince Considerate

    Prince CharmingMany women refer to their perfect man as Prince Charming. We want someone who is likable and knows what to say to get along with others. But charm can also be shallow, knowing what to say without really meaning it. And he could be charming to others but lose that capacity with you. I grew up with someone like that — he was charming to strangers but mean to family members.

    A man I’m seeing and I were talking about what we liked about each other. I told him how much I appreciated his thoughtfulness and generosity with me. He said, “I’ve never considered myself a Prince Charming. I try to be more of a Prince Considerate. I work to be thoughtful of others.” And he is. I think Prince Considerate is more sustaining for a relationship.

    A Prince Considerate, based on the few I’ve had first-hand experience with, is prone to:

    • Call regularly to just say he’s thinking of you, or see how you’re doing. (My PC calls regularly and IMs at least once a day.)
    • Buy you small gifts to show he knows what you like and that he cares about you. (At the movies he excused himself and brought back chocolate for me.)
    • Do thoughtful things for you spontaneously. (My PC regularly gives me foot massages while we’re chatting on the couch, or shoulder massages while we’re waiting in line at the movies.)
    • Be thoughtful of others. (He brought a bottle of wine for our Halloween party hosts, as well as a high-quality chocolate bar for me!)
    • Consider what you like to do. (Knowing I like to see houses decorated for Halloween, he scheduled an hour’s walk in a fun neighborhood near our dinner restaurant so we could enjoy the decorated houses. And he told me ahead of time to wear comfortable walking shoes!)
    • Think through how a suggested activity would be for you. (I explained this in “Is your date sensitive to your comfort?“)
    • Learn your routines and plan around your regular activities. (PC knows what evenings I Jazzercise so suggests getting together afterwards or on other evenings.)
    • Listen to your stories and remember what’s going on in your life, and even your friends’ names. (PC knows I’m going to India and Singapore for January, so suggests movies and restaurants to help acclimate me.)

    So, which would you rather have, a Prince Charming or a Prince Considerate (for this discussion, you can’t have both in the same guy)? Why?

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  • When should you disclose any, er, unusual preferences?

    kinkyI was once contacted by a man who said in his profile that he was “slightly kinky.” When I asked what he meant exactly, he said he’d explain in person. He was a perfect gentleman on the phone and in emails, so I thought it was worth a coffee meeting to find out. I’ve learned that one person’s kinky is another’s normal, so I decided not worry too much about it until he explained. During our coffee date, he elaborated that he was a cross dresser on occasion. Okey dokie.

    But another man didn’t even hint at his unconventional preferences until an email nearly a week after our first lunch. We’d had a dozen emails, phone conversations and IMs and nothing was even hinted at beforehand. I know people share his sexual practices, but I’ve not met anyone personally who told me they did. So I’m thinking that this man should have placed an ad on kinky.com or something similar, not YahooPersonals.

    However, an acquaintance who is a swinger into swapping, has an ad on YahooPersonals, as well as more provocative sites. He sent me his profile to read and he thought he was being explicit about his practices. He wrote that he was “adventurous” but he didn’t say “sexually adventurous.” He thought “adventurous” was enough. I thought it meant he liked to rock climb or participate in outdoor adventures. He said he told women from YP on their first coffee meeting that he attended swapping parties. I told him I’d feel duped if he waited until then to disclose such an important element of his life that would affect many women’s decision to meet him or not. I’d be irritated if I got dolled up and drove to a coffee meeting, then learned of his practice that I don’t support and wouldn’t date someone who did.

    I felt a bit hoodwinked myself by the man who didn’t share his out-of-the-ordinary practices. I’d spent some time getting to know him and was interested in a second date. But I don’t share a proclivity for the experiences he described. And I doubt I’d learn to like those kind of activities.

    When should one disclose such alternative tastes? I think you are beholden to at least hint at it in your profile or initial email, as the first man did. Did the second man think that I’d become so enamored with him that I’d ignore my own values? Did he think he’d scare off women if he shared earlier? He was just postponing the inevitable, but taking up someone’s time in the process.

    When do you think someone should disclose any practices that they know others may find off putting?

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  • Is he collecting data on how to make you happy?

    favorites folderI briefly dated a man who interspersed into our conversations a myriad of questions about my preferences. He asked about my favorite flower, gemstone, color, fabric, musical artist, book genre, movie type, restaurants, foods, thing to do on a sunny day, coffee shop, travel destinations, pet peeves, etc. After a few questions, I asked why he wanted to know. “I’m noting them for future reference. I want to make you happy, so need to know what will do so.”

    Wow! No one else has been as overt in his probing for my happiness makers. I was impressed with his diligence. The connection fizzled before he had a chance to deliver on any of this knowledge. But the fact that he was gathering it was a sign that he knew what information to gather and seemed — at least initially — to care about making me happy.

    Could he have intended to use this information to manipulate me? Perhaps. But since I’m an interpret-things-positively kinda gal, I wouldn’t assume that unless I saw evidence to support that negative interpretation.

    Of course, happiness does not revolve around receiving a favorite flower, as it’s more important how a man speaks to you, is respectful, keeps his word, listens and generally treats you. But if all the right behaviors are in place, it’s added enhancement if he 1) cares enough to know what you like, and 2) provides those things regularly, willingly, and with love. A smart man understands this is part of the ongoing romancing of his sweetie.

    Do you collect info on your guy’s favorites? I am less apt to be as overt as the man described above, but I do make note of how he takes his coffee, what he regularly drinks, teams he roots for, etc. If I’m seeing two guys concurrently, I’ll make a note about this information in each man’s file in my Date-A-Base. (It’s too much to remember about multiple men.)

    How would you like it if a man was methodical about collecting your preferences? Would you like it or think it was a tad creepy? And how do you go about noting what your guy likes?

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  • Marriage as a business deal?

    wedding businessI received an email about a presumably true Craigslist personals ad by a 25-year-old attractive (“stunningly beautiful”) NYC woman wanting advice on how to meet and marry a man who earns over $500,000 a year. Why that amount? Because “a million a year is middle class in NYC.” And she doesn’t want to be just a girlfriend; she wants marriage.

    Even if this is a joke or fiction, the response that was included was priceless and educational.

    The response is supposedly from a man who claims to make at least $500K/year. He pointed out that she is essentially offering a business deal, and a bad one at that. Why?

    “What you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here’s the rub: your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity … in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won’t be getting any more beautiful!

    “So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! You’re 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

    “So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold…hence the rub: marriage. It doesn’t make good business sense to “buy you” (which is what you’re asking) so I’d rather lease. In case you think I’m being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It’s as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

    “By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn’t need to have this difficult conversation.

    “If you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.”

    Don’t focus on her shallowness or his coldness. Focus on the business logic. We know the common belief that many women want to marry a financially sound guy and guys want to marry an attractive woman. So while there are many exceptions, this is a commonly held perspective. When it is put so bluntly as the responder does, it is cold and heartless. But is it less so than the woman’s point of view? I don’t think so.

    When I got divorced it was abundantly clear that I had unwittingly entered into a 20-year business deal with my ex. I knew we had different financial philosophies, but since we kept our money separate, it didn’t seem like a big deal. But of course in a divorce, there is no legal separation, at least in my state. I realized that I would never have gone into business with my ex, but I had by default when I signed the marriage license.

    What do you think of putting romance and marriage in business language? While off putting to some, others will see that the logic does make sense.

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  • Falling in love one drop at a time

    drip coffeeHave you noticed that people fall in love with varying rapidity? For some, it’s a wham, all-at-once thing soon — sometimes minutes — after meeting someone. For others, it may take years. For some it’s a slow-but-steady thing, like coffee dripping through the filter one drop at a time. It’s a thousand drops that bring you to the final brewed result — rich, full-flavored love.

    Just as a cup of gourmet coffee consist of various beans, roasting methods, water, spices, etc., so too the heart-winning blend in your pot of love. Some components could include:

    • the way he smiles
    • how he looks at you
    • how he dresses
    • his laugh
    • his kisses
    • how he touches you
    • little things he says that show he’s thoughtful and caring
    • how he stands and walks (posture)
    • his thoughtfulness and respectfulness toward you and others
    • how he makes you laugh
    • his voice
    • how he makes you feel special, feel loved
    • his smell
    • how he treats you generally
    • flowers, cards, gifts or other ways he tangibly shows he carescoffee w/heart
    • his grooming that shows he takes pride in his presentation
    • his self esteem
    • his willingness to improve himself (going to the gym, taking classes, counseling)
    • his values
    • how he articulates his thoughts

    What are other ingredients in your love blend? What makes you fall for a man?

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  • Is your date sensitive to your comfort?

    horse showIn “Before agreeing to a weekend getaway, clarify expectations” I shared how I’ve learned to ask better questions before going on an outing. So I asked a few when a man I’d gone out with 5 times in a month asked if I wanted to accompany him and his photography club to a horse show. “What happens at the show?” “How long would we be there?” What will be your responsibilities entail?”

    But as the event approached, I realized I really didn’t know how the day might unfold, what to wear and bring. I asked him to paint me a picture of what he imagined would happen. He said he and his club members would be out among the horses taking pictures to back up the official photographer and get additional candid shots. I would be outside in the bleachers watching the barrel races and other activities. Since it was autumn, I should bring warm clothes, umbrella, rain coat, bleacher pad, hat and book. We’d have lunch from the on-site vendors and he’d check on me periodically. Afterward we’d have a nice dinner nearby.

    This date was having less appeal. After explaining the day, he realized this without my saying a word. He said that if that not wasn’t my idea of a good time, then he could always go with his club and we’d hook up in the evening for dinner. I was appreciative that he suggested this out so I didn’t have to. I told him that when I accepted his invitation I envisioned we’d have more time together. So spending the day alone in the cold and possibly rainy weather was not what I’d hoped for. I wanted to spend the day with him, not seeing him from afar.

    He was sensitive to what would be my experience of the event and proactively suggested a more suitable alternative. Unlike my experience detailed in “Teed off by weekend getaway with golf addict,” this guy was thoughtful and sensitive to my needs.

    While you may think this would be a no brainer, I’ve found it rare to have a man think through how the experience he’s suggesting would be for me. One that plans ahead — brings a blanket, a thermos of a warm drink, an extra hat or gloves, etc. — seems to be even rarer. I once went on a drizzly-day date to a professional baseball game. My date brought nothing but his jacket. I had a towel to wipe down the seats and a blanket to keep us warm. Is it that women are more wired to think things through? Is it our motherliness, even if we aren’t a mom? Or is it that women value comfort more than men? I’m not sure.

    I am sure that I appreciate a man who thinks through an event and includes my enjoyment in his calculations.

    What have you noticed about thinking through things in dating? Are men more, less or equally apt to think and plan ahead? Or is that more a woman’s thing?

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  • “Ninny-ness”

    A gal pal says that when you’re enamored, smitten, enraptured, enthralled, and/or mesmerized with someone, you become a ninny. Your brain is not fully engaged. You do and say things to or with that person that if you were advising someone else, you’d tell him/her not to do/say. But you find yourself thinking these are perfectly reasonable things to do, or you hear words, phrases and questions fall out of your mouth before engaging your brain. This ninny-ness is confined to when you are speaking to the objet d’amore — otherwise you’re fully functioning to others.

    I was captivated by a charming, sexy man. After knowing him only a few weeks, and our expressing our strong mutual attraction, one day I heard myself blurt out on the phone, “Do streakeryou love me?” Arrgh! I immediately knew that was a stupid, stupid, stupid thing to say at this juncture. We’d only known each other a short while, how would anyone know if they loved the other? I tried to backpedal by saying, “That was a stupid question. Just ignore it.” But it was like trying to ignore the streaker at the ball game — it was already out in full view. It sounded so needy, so clingy, so lame. Ugh!

    Early in my post-divorce dating life I was bewitched by a man who lived less than a mile from me. I found myself driving out of my way to go by his house when doing errands. What — was I suddenly back in high school? When I snapped out of it and saw how juvenile this was, I stopped.

    Have you experienced ninny-ness in your dating life? When you saw yourself being a ninny (during or afterwards), what did you catch yourself doing? How did you learn to stop it (if you did!)?

    (See a related post, “When midlife dating is like high school“)

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