Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Category: Assessing your assets

  • Does he want a “mommy”?

    MommySome midlife women complain that some men they’ve dated want someone to take care of them — a mommy. Of course, in a Oedipal twist, they also want her to perform in the bedroom, assuming he still can.

    Being a mother figure isn’t all bad if that is what you like. Many women like nurturing and caring for others. But it does upset the transactional analysis concept that we behave in Parent, Adult and Child modes. Eric Berne‘s theory is that the most evolved relationship is one where both people treat each other like adults.

    Some couples’ relationships, however, are built on both taking on Adult/Parent behaviors for various tasks. Even some 21st-Century women expect the man be the Parent in the economic area where he is the primary breadwinner. The trade off is she takes on the Parent role in the caretaking/housekeeping area.

    apronSo what are the signs a guy is just looking for someone to take care of him? Here’s a list of somewhat obvious signs. (Any of these alone is not evidence of his wanting to be mommied, but if there are many of these signs, cut the apron strings.)

    • He lets you do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry and domestic duties. If you suggest he help, he makes excuses, including “I don’t do it as well as you.” He conveniently “forgets” to do the tasks you request to share household chores. When he does something that he deems your job, he makes a big deal out of it wanting accolades.
    • He behaves in child-like ways. He leaves his clothes on the floor, doesn’t take initiative for household repairs, doesn’t manage his bills, may neglect his hygiene or appearance.
    • He shows submissiveness. Instead of his putting his arm around you, he takes your arm and puts it around his shoulders. His idea of cuddling is for you to enwrap him in your arms.
    • He gets defensive if you give him any constructive criticism. He may get angry, surly or even pout.
    • He shows off, calling for you to look at what he’s done. “Honey, come listen to how the car now hums since I tuned it.”
    • He expects you to make the majority of “adult” decisions for you both, e.g., investments, bill paying, major household improvements.

    Although I typically avoid mommy-seekers like the plague, I stupidly went with one for 6 weeks. When I examined my role in my 20-year marriage, I saw I was more mommy-like than I prefer. I decided I no longer wanted to be a mother figure to another adult. I’m so adamant about this concept of not wanting to be a caretaker, I have an auto-watering yard, and refuse to get a bird bath, bird feeder or pet — anything that needs my frequent care!

    What are signs you’ve seen that show a man wants to be mommied?

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  • Are you too picky?

    A friend chided me, “You’ve gone out with 75 men in 2 years. Why aren’t you married? Are you too picky?”

    When midlife women share that they haven’t found their “one” and they’re getting tired of looking, they begin to wonder if they are being too picky. The dilemma is, should you continue to be picky, perhaps taking a long time to meet someone who meets your important criteria, or should you accept someone who meets most, but not all, of your “must haves”?

    A friend who’s been married 25 years shared that while she loves her husband very much, there are things she would prefer were different about him. She says, “Did I settle? In some ways, yes. However, he has many qualities I adore. But he’s also missing some things that would make us more compatible.”

    I wonder how much of this is our needs changing over time. What she wanted/needed 25 years ago is different now that they are empty-nesters and looking to entertain themselves pre-retirement. While we’re not in a relationship, we can determine what we want now, but we also need to project what we think we want for the next 10, 20, 30 or more years.

    Many dating advisers recommend you come up with no more than 5 “must have” characteristics about your ideal guy. Other preferences beyond that are negotiable. I’ve heard about women having 20-100 “must have” deal breakers. I think that’s over the top. However, many midlife women feel, “I have a full, rich, great life. I don’t need a man. So for me to give up time with my friends, work, or hobbies, he needs to be spectacular. And here’s my list of what spectacular is.”

    Have you listed your essential criteria? Most daters have. “Someone nice” is a common response. “Someone loving.” I think you need to be more specific than that.

    But I think equally important to what you want is what would make you feel you settled? And if a guy has much of what’s on your “must have” list but not all, are you willing to give him a chance to see if you can live with that and love him without feeling that you settled? And if he knows he doesn’t measure up in one area and is willing to work on it, will you give him some time to do so?

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  • How hard must a man work to get a date with you?

    Some women play hard to get on purpose. Some just end up being hard to get because of circumstances.

    What if a man asked you out 28 times before you said yes? He’s not a creep, nor a stalker, but someone who’s genuinely interested in you. He’s kinda cute, nice and pleasant, but you have a boyfriend who you’re not getting along well with. And this guy sent you a dozen roses before you finally accept coffee with him.

    ShawnaI was having dinner with my friend Shawna Schuh and her charming, delightful husband Don Potesta. We were talking about how they met and the above story emerged. But the story gets even better.

    Over coffee, he revealed three things which were deal breakers for her. After a short while, she was done and said, “I’m leaving. It was great to meet you. Good luck.” To which he responded, “No problem. I only date women for two weeks anyway.”

    This piqued Shawna’s highly competitive nature. She said she would accept his dinner invitation because she was so sure he would be unable to resist dating her for longer then 2 weeks. Much longer. And sure enough, she was right. They’ve been married 19 years.

    And Don continued his wooing her. Every week he sent her a dozen roses to work — for sixteen weeks. And every time he showed up to take her out he brought a single red rose. This man knew what he wanted and how to win her.

    Many of us would have blown off a guy who was so persistent. Maybe we would think he was arrogant, clueless, or desperate. Or the aforementioned creepy. But Shawna knew he wasn’t any of these, and even with three apparent deal breakers she saw his clear interest in her and she gave him a chance. And is she ever glad she did.

    How hard do you make it for a guy to date you? It is hard to determine where you should be on the continuum of being too eager to say yes and being too hard to get. While men typically like a challenge, most would give up after being told no 28 times. Where do you put yourself on this continuum?

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  • Do you love how he loves you?

    Do you know how you want to be loved? What if a man loves you, but not quite the way you want to be loved? Will you stick with him, thinking that you can teach him how you want to be loved? Has that worked?

    I’ve been fortunate enough in my 2.5 years of dating to have a few men fall for me. While I was fond of them and loved elements of each one, I was not in love. As that old adage goes, “Love is not enough.” We know that can mean lots of things, but let’s take just one element — being loved is not enough. You have to feel loved —  loved in a way that feels like love to you. How someone expresses his love for you may not feel like love to you. I know, this seems convoluted.

    Let me elaborate.

    Early on in my marriage, my then-hubby and I would design a quarterly relationship retreat — just him and me. We’d drive to a hotel for the weekend and part of the activities included working on our relationship. (Too bad we didn’t keep up this practice for the next 20 years!) One of the most memorable exercises was this simple one. We each silently wrote our responses to these two questions:

    1. Here’s what I do that I believe shows my love for you
    2. Here’s what you do that I feel shows your love for me

    After writing our responses, we shared. The answers were astonishing to each of us.

    vodka and tonicMy answer to question 1 included:

    • I take care of our bill paying
    • I prepare home-cooked meals that I know you like
    • I have your vodka and tonic chilled and waiting for you when you arrive home

    It turns out none of these things — and many of the others I listed — were significant to him. So I was busting my tush to go out of my way to do these things to show him I loved him, and they didn’t show up as love at all to him!

    On his list of how he felt I showed him I loved him was one I would have never guessed:

    You come out of your office and give me a hug soon after I announce I’m home.

    I worked from home, so I was often in my office when he arrived home. I’d just call out “hello” in response to his “I’m home.” It turned out that he wanted a physical connection — a hug and kiss — when he arrived home. He was a kinesthetic type and touch was very important to him to feel connected. When I learned this, I nearly always made sure to hug him hello. If I was on the phone when he came in and forgot to hug him, we noticed we were more on edge with each other that evening.

    proteaWhen he learned that his periodic gift of flowers felt like love to me, he increased his frequency. He also asked about my favorite flowers, and began to select dual-toned, unusual ones, rather than just daisies, carnations and red roses. I was feeling more loved as he was going out of his way to learn what I liked and give it to me.

    This exercise taught us to talk about what the other did that felt like love. And it allowed us to see if what we were doing was showing up as an expression of love to the other. And when it didn’t, we could ditch it or do it if we wanted, but not to expect the other would feel warm and tingly because of it. It also headed off those resentful arguments, like, “But I spend hours fixing dinner for you each night” when the other would just as soon open a can of soup or have take out.

    It would be great if the guy you’re dating intuitively knew how you like to be loved, but the recipe for each person is different. For some women, regular calls, sweet emails, occasional flowers and cards signify love. For others, none of that is important. The key is to know what exemplifies love to you, and be willing to do the exercise above when you’ve been dating a guy for a while. You will both clarify how to show the other you care, and refine your love strategies.

    And of course, be appreciative of whatever he does to show his fondness toward you. Also, both parties need to be open to refinements.

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  • “I don’t want a whipped boyfriend”

    whipped creamThese words were uttered by my neighbor’s 16-year-old daughter as we were discussing dating. The three of us were sharing the nice things men we dated had done for us when she blurted this out. I was surprised, as I didn’t think any of the examples we shared would be considered signs of a man being whipped.

    “What’s your definition of ‘whipped’?” I asked.

    “A guy who won’t make a decision on his own. Who always gives in to the girl. My sister’s boyfriend is like that. I don’t like it.”

    “I don’t blame you.”

    “When a guy won’t stand up to his girlfriend, he’s whipped. I want a guy who has his own opinions and thinks for himself, not always looking to me.”

    “I agree with you. While compromise is important for both people, you have to start with you both having your own opinion. However, sometimes I find I don’t have a strong preference, so I’m willing to acquiesce, and sometimes it’s he who doesn’t feel strongly so capitulates to my way.”

    She got me thinking about the difference between whipped, wussy, amiable, and compromising. Some feel these are all pretty close on the amicable to combative continuum. While I like to hang out with someone who’s agreeable, if he doesn’t make his preferences known or doesn’t disagree about anything, then I feel I am railroading him. I can be the “team leader” and make decisions for both of us, but frankly it is a lot of work and I prefer to share the load.

    Where do you like your man to be on the continuum? Do you like men more on the milk toast end of the spectrum or more toward dominant? Or where in between?

    And where would you place yourself on this continuum? On the submissive end or the domineering end? Not in an S & M sort of way, but just in how you live your life. And maybe you’re different in your personal life than in your professional life. It’s important to know so you can find a match who compliments you.

    I dated a man briefly who told me he wanted a woman who would surrender to him. He said, “I don’t want her to be submissive, but to surrender.” When I asked him to explain the difference, he said, “I want a woman who will do what I want no matter if she wants to or not.” I said, “That sounds like submissive to me.” He also said if we were with other people I was not ever to disagree with anything he said. I wondered if he could spell “control.” Needless to say, that does not describe what I was looking for, so we soon parted ways.

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  • Are you arguing your limitations?

    Midlife women sometimes passionately, convincingly, compellingly tell me why no man would be interested in dating them. “Men aren’t interested in a woman like me who has wrinkles, bags, extra pounds and hot flashes,” she may start. “They’re only interested in girls half their age. And forget anyone wanting a feisty, intelligent, educated woman like me. They are too threatened by us,” she continues. And if I let her, she’ll go on. And on. And on.

    IllusionsIn “There must be a pony in here,” I quoted Richard Bach’s book Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah. One of my favorite quotes from the book is,

     

    “Argue your limitations and they are yours.”

    The more you argue why no one would be interested in you, the more you convince yourself. Then you close yourself off from anyone who is the slightest bit interested. The 50-ish man who talked to you at length at the party the other night? He was very nice, funny, intelligent, and even kinda cute, but he wouldn’t be interested in someone like you. No, you’re sure of that. In fact, you saw him later talking to a 30-something beauty. But he left alone you noticed.

    What about that friend of your co-worker’s who you met at her birthday bash? He was really fun and you enjoyed bantering with him. But he was a successful executive and ran marathons, so he would probably have disdain for your out-of-shape body.

    The interesting owner of your favorite restaurant? You frequent it regularly, and he’s always nice, even flirty. But you’re sure he’s just doing that because you’re his customer. He probably has a girlfriend, but you know he’s not married because he’s not wearing a wedding ring. Besides, he’d probably rather be with a foodie — someone who understands his business.

    Do you ever hear yourself having similar conversations in your mind? You are arguing your limitations. You are stopping any possibility of getting to know these guys better and perhaps going out, even if just for coffee. And if you suggest coffee and he says he’s in a relationship, so what? You’ve made his day by showing he’s attractive, and even if the relationship isn’t revealed until during coffee, you may have a new great pal.

    So if you hear yourself arguing for your limitations, tell yourself to stop it immediately. Remind yourself you would be an interesting companion for a number of men. And open yourself up to the possibilities.

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  • Do your activity preferences match your guy’s?

    Are you clear on how much you like to weekly participate in activities with a sweetie? How much alone time do you want/need? How much time do you want weekly/monthly to spend with your friends and/or family without him? And when you’re with your guy, optimally how many times a week do you want to do something out, versus at home?

    Many online dating personality assessments ask your activity preferences. An example:

    Do you prefer to go out
    1) Once per week
    2) 2x/week
    3) 3-4x/week
    4) Every night is party night

    Other questions focus on specific physical activities. I’ve deleted guys’ profiles based on their saying they spend all their free time running marathons, climbing mountains, SCUBA, mountain biking, back-country skiing, working out and playing team sports. I get tired just reading about all this physical activity! While I’m not a slug, I’m also not an iron woman.

    When you’re beginning to date someone, one of the first questions to ask is “What do you like to do for fun?” Of course, what one likes to do is often different than what you actually do. Men have told me they like to go to live theater, concerts, fine dining, wine tasting, dancing, first-run movies, lectures, comedy clubs, etc. However, when dating them, their idea of a “date” is to rent a DVD and get take out. Or occasionally dinner out and a movie. That’s it. I’ve been flummoxed at why a guy doesn’t make any effort to arrange for us to do what he says he likes to do.

    One of my frustrations of being single is not having a ready-made activity partner. My friends are available for some activities, but most are coupled so have limited time to spend with buddies. I see first-run flicks once in a while with some gal pals. I like to see the world, try new things, re-experience old favorites, and I prefer to do those activities with friends, ideally a sweetie. Yes, there are organized activity groups, dance classes, ranger-led wildflower hikes, and other classes or singles-focused events. An experience is richer to me when I can discuss it with someone during and/or afterwards to share each others perspectives and insights.

    Imagine my delight to find my sweetie likes to do — and initiates — fun stuff! In our 7 days together (he’s visited 3 times from out of state) over the last month we’ve:

    • Picnicked and walked on the beach (twice, different beaches)
    • Went square dancinghiking
    • Visited a blues club
    • Taken a hike in a nearby regional park, along with a picnic
    • Dined at a Japanese restaurant
    • Played tourist in a nearby city
    • Breakfasted out
    • Walked in my neighborhood
    • Cooked dinner together
    • Viewed an indy flick at the local film festival
    • And yes, snuggled on the coach in front of a fire and watched a DVD

    And we also just kicked back, took naps and relaxed.

    Soon I’ll visit him in for a week and he’s already planned:

    • Visiting one of my friends for a horseback ride and dinner
    • Attending his professional awards banquet and gala
    • Hikingtulips
    • Viewing the local tulip festival
    • Listening to a favorite local blues musician at a club
    • Dining with his friends and his kids
    • Watching a friend do his act at a comedy club
    • Overnighting at his favorite beach inn

    And he’ll be working 4 days during the week I’m there! If we lived in the same town, we would not try to cram so much in. But we like to make maximum use of our together time. So right now my activity needs are being met, both for frequency and variety, and with a fun, loving partner.

    Does this sound like too much “doing” to you? Too little? Do you like variety, routine, or a mix?

    When you know your activity frequency and variety desires, communicate them to your guy early on and see if you have similar wants. If he agrees with your preferences, yet doesn’t want to participate in ideas you offer, nor take initiative to do anything interesting, discuss the disconnect and see if he’s willing to step up — and out — a bit more.

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  • Are you dating the same guy in different bodies?

    Portia NelsonYou may be familiar with the poem “There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk: Autobiography in Five Short Chapters” by Portia Nelson (pictured at right). In the poem, Ms. Nelson concisely illustrates how we make choices, have an unpleasant experience, and blame others. Then we learn from our experiences, take responsibility for our choices, and ultimately make different ones. I think it applies not only to life in general, but to dating.

    How is this like dating? Have you found that sometimes you’re attracted to the same kind of guy, perhaps with behaviors similar to your ex? Then you’re upset that the guys treat you like your ex treated you. And you blame them. The cycle continues. Until you wake up to your part in the repetition.

    You have probably heard the oft-quoted line, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results*.” It’s that way with dating. We’re drawn to certain characteristics in a man that seem familiar to us, no matter how dysfunctional. At least we are if we are unaware of how and why we keep dating the same guy in a different body over and over again. He’s attractive to us because he feels so comfortable. In fact, sometimes we may actually utter, “It felt like we’d known each other a long time.” Or, “It just felt right.”

    If we aren’t conscious, we’ll keep walking down the same sidewalk and falling in the same hole (dating the same kind of guy who treats us the same way our ex did). And we blame the guys for being losers, jerks, players, cads. It’s not our fault!

    Until one day, we get frustrated having fallen in the same hole once again! We know this time it is our fault, but it doesn’t help lessen the pain. So we keep dating. Drat — once again we find ourself in the same hole (with another guy who is self-absorbed, inconsiderate, emotionally unavailable, or worse). This time we know it is our fault. We look inside, self-reflecting, asking why we keep choosing to go out with guys who have similar patterns. Maybe we get some counseling to clear it up. Our eyes are opened.

    We continue to date. Now, however, we’ve become more discerning. We begin to ask key questions before we even meet the potential date. We know how to spot the patterns that have kept us stuck in bad relationships in the past. We say “no” more often to those who seem so familiar, but we know by what they say on the phone they would not be right for the new us.

    And finally, we meet a guy who has none (or very few) of the familiar faults. He treats us respectfully, kindly, lovingly, appreciatively. We love being with him and he with us. We have walked down a new street.

    * (This is attributed to various folks, including Benjamin Franklin and Albert Einstein.)

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  • What’s your idea of boyfriend responsibilities?

    “Boyfriend responsibilities” are not the same as “marital duties,” but the latter can be included in the former. My sweetie and I were discussing boyfriend responsibilities during his visit this week.

    After he returned home he apologized for not being more cognizant of his boyfriend responsibilities. He knew my garage door opener needed a minor repair. While I was conducting an hour-long client call he took a nap, which was fine with me. In his email he said, “I’m very sorry about the garage door. I should have jumped right on it.” I hadn’t asked him to fix it, nor did he say he would, so I didn’t have any expectations that it would be magically fixed while I was otherwise engaged.

    Home DepotI don’t expect my beau to be my ad-hoc handyman, unless it’s something in which I know he has expertise and doesn’t mind doing. He said, “My fingers shudder and refuse to let me pick up a hammer. Power tools have a restraining order against me. Changing oil means changing cars. Is there such a thing as an ‘unhandyman’?”

    As a homeowner, the never-ending list of “honey do’s” keeps expanding. Even when I was married, I always had a handyman to do all but minor repairs. It saved us a lot of tension and fighting from my nagging my ex to do what I considered simple things, but he thought were time-consuming trips down frustration lane — as well as multiple visits to Home Depot.

    I may occasionally ask my sweetie to help out with a quick job, especially if it’s something simple that I can’t do by myself. I do a lot on my own, but some tasks need two people. Others are better delegated to my handyman so I can focus on other things.

    I really appreciate it when my beau takes initiative to do anything that helps around the house and would fall on my shoulders otherwise. Without my asking, he’s already emptied the dishwasher, cooked me breakfast and dinner, washed the dishes, fixed a nearly clogged faucet, brought in the mail, helped me prepare some packages for mailing, took out the trash, brought in firewood, and other things that he saw needed to be done. Since this week was an especially frazzled one, I’m grateful for anything he did to pitch in. And I appreciated it even more when I didn’t have to ask or point out the task. It feels more like a partnership rather than his being a guest in my home.

    What’s your take on boyfriend duties? When you’ve been seeing someone for a little while, do you have any expectations of what he will do for you around the house? Do you discuss these expectations and see if he has any desire to take on these “honey do’s”? Or is there tension and conflict because of different expectations? And what about when you’re at his house? Does he expect you to do tasks that are traditionally “women’s work” — mending, cooking, cleaning, laundry? If so, how do you handle it if you don’t want to do the task, or don’t have the skills?

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  • Do your friends birddog for you?

    Lab retrieverBy “birddog” I am not referring to Labrador Retrievers, English Pointers, or German Shorthaired Pointers. However, I am referring to their ability to find and point out what you are looking for.

    The verb “birddog” is common in sales. When someone birddogs for you, s/he is providing you leads to prospects. When I was president of a sales association, we had “Birddog Breaks” at our meetings to share the kind of prospect we each were looking for, and other members would provide prospect contact info if they had it.

    When your friends birddog for you, they are suggesting their single friends as possible romantic partners for you. They may do as little as providing a name, contact info. and a brief bio. Others may more actively birddog, playing a yenta role, inviting you both on an outing and talking you up to each other.

    My point is, are you actively asking your friends to birddog for you? Are you telling them you are dating and the type of guy you’re looking for? Some people pooh-pooh the concept of friends setting you up for dates. But others know that the more people who are on the lookout for a great guy for you, the more likely you’ll find them.

    So share your quest with your pals and ask them to be on the lookout for you. Be specific with what you are looking for, otherwise you’ll be set up on blind dates with people they think are great but are in no way a good match for you. And always thank your friends for their efforts even if the date is a bust. Tell them what you liked about the guy and repeat what you’re looking for so you can train your birddog to be an even better hunter.

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  • The date relationship test

    I’ve discovered a key relationship test. This one is guaranteed to tell you what you need to know about your guy, so I recommend using this test early in the relationship to decide if you want to keep seeing him or not.

    What is the test?

    Picking a DVD together at Blockbuster.

    Why is this such a good test?

    You will see not only if he only wants to see gory, action flicks and if he has any tolerance whatsoever for romantic comedy or chick flicks. I know, I know, I’m stereotyping. But you get mySaw point — you see how comparable your tastes in movies are, and more. Maybe you like indy films and he only likes sophomoric pics. Is he open to seeing a movie you like, even though he doesn’t regularly watch that type? And if he insists on seeing “Saw” even though you tell him you hate scary movies, he’s not listening to you.

    How do you negotiate? What if you have a difficult time finding something you both want to see? This process will tell you a lot — a very lot — about the guy you’re going out with. I’ve learned this process tells you quite a bit about your guy.

    My sweetie tells me that when a man agrees to watch a chick flick he’s really just hoping he’ll get lucky after the flick is over. Are we surprised?

    Try it and tell me how it works for you. (BTW, we ended up today with “The Holiday.”)

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