Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Blog

  • When “be yourself” is questionable advice

    Oft-heard advice to daters is, “Just be yourself.” Well, what if “yourself” isn’t very appealing? What if “being yourself” means showing up for a first date with disheveled hair, dirty, ripped clothes, and uncouth behavior? That’s how you are at home, so isn’t it truly being yourself?

    On one hand, you shouldn’t try to be something you’re not. So if the above describes your usual self and you show up in an Armani suit and Prada shoes, you are not being yourself. Unless you have, as many of us do, a wide range of clothing to choose from depending on the impression you want to make.

    Within the span of who you are, strive to be the best you that you can be. So, unless you’re looking for someone who loves dressing in comfy sweats, leave yours at home except if your early  dates entail working out. And even if you don’t usually wear make up, some foundation, lipstick and a little mascara isn’t going to mislead someone into thinking you’re a Vogue cover girl.

    My model for the first few dates is to think of how you’d behave and dress if you were going to church/temple/synagogue. You’d put on clean, pressed, well-kept clothes, shined shoes, fix your hair and probably wear some make up. You’d be well behaved and respectful. You’d smile and be friendly with others. Now, if you are going roller skating or biking on your date, you’re not going to wear a church-going dress. But you’d want to appear your best in clean jeans or shorts and a top in good repair.

    The other part of being your “best” self involves your behavior. Sometimes people ask why I don’t more often call guys on their inconsiderate behavior. Part of it is I want to see what they do naturally without any intervention from me. Then I can decide what I want to comment on or not. The other part is if he is taking me out to dinner, I’m his guest. A guest does not nitpick her host. She is gracious and gives him some slack. If you were at someone’s house for dinner, you wouldn’t point out how often they interrupt, glance at the TV while you’re in the room, or don’t get in the back of the buffet line. You’d be pleasant, and then vow not to go back. The first few dates is too early to try to change someone’s behavior.

    So step back and look at what “be yourself” means to you, versus “be your best self.” Be sure to don the latter for your early dates, and you can loosen up as you get to know and trust each other.

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,

    Got a dating-after-40 topic you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.

  • Men behaving badly

    I rarely talk about “bad” dates, because if a date doesn’t work out, it just wasn’t meant to be. No use lingering on what didn’t work or what an unpleasant experience it was.

    When people hear I’ve written a book about midlife dating (now in my literary agent’s hands to sell), many immediately say, “I should write a book about all the bad dates I’ve had.” Generally, I don’t think people want to hear about bad dates, unless they are out of the dating scene. Then the stories can be funny, but are usually sad.

    I think most of us want to hear about the good dates, which gives us hope that there are great singles out there, not mashers, players and cads. However, the reality is, there are some not-so-great people in the singles scene.

    My friend Ken theorizes that part of the reason we come across some of these folks is because it’s so much easier for someone to enter the dating scene via online dating. You don’t even have to pay to post a profile on most sites. So people who would not date in the “real” world — meeting people in classes, at work, at shared hobbies, at friends’ houses, at bars — are in the dating pool because it’s easy. So the pool has gotten a tad polluted, and we encounter folks we might not have before.

    In fact, I read that a third of those listed on online dating sites haven’t met anyone in person as a result of their online activities. So would those third be considered “dating” if they weren’t listed online? I don’t think so. Nearly half have met 1 to 5 others. What the report didn’t say was in what time period — a month, 6 months, year, more than a year?

    Out of the 72 men I’ve gone out with I can think of only a few “bad” first dates. Compared to other stories I’ve heard about bad first dates, these are pretty tame, I know. So you know that most “bad” dates just aren’t a good fit, here are the recaps of the eight, and even some of them weren’t really “bad,” just not a fit:

    • Too-Much-Too-Fast Guy — We’d talked for a week on the phone and email. We decided to meet for a drink at a nearby karaoke bar. When I arrived at the darkened bar, he looked little like his picture, but he recognized me. As I slid into the booth, he leaned over and kissed me on the lips. A tad forward, but I let it slide. We talked. He reached over and took my hand. More talking. He asked if I wanted to dance. I did. He held me close. When we came back to the booth, he slid closer to me. He pulled me toward him for another kiss. Then another. Soon he was French kissing me. I said it was too much for a public place. He said, “You said you liked public displays of affection!” “Yes, but this is too soon.” I slid away from him and said I needed to be going.
    • The Masher. We’d flirted with daily emails for nearly a month since I was out of the country and we couldn’t meet before then. When we did meet in a pub, his greeting was a French kiss! I said that was a bit too much too soon, and he shrugged it off. We went to a nearby table where he sat next to me. He continued to kiss me while we sipped wine. Finally, I said I was hungry so we went next door to have dinner. As soon as we sat down, he said, “I live nearby. Let’s go to my house.” No, that won’t be happening.
    • 10-Minute Guy — We’d met mid-afternoon at a shopping mall. The plan was do a little shopping, then have dinner, then either a movie or dancing. Within 10 minutes he said, “I’m going to go.” I asked if he was feeling okay. He said, “Yes. I’m just not attracted.” My jaw dropped as he turned and left.
    • The Vexing Vietnam Vet — He had been a tad demanding on the phone, but I thought I’d give him a chance, so accepted a drink invitation. In an empty tavern we had soft drinks and an appetizer while he told me grisly story after story of his days in Vietnam. When I tried to change the subject, he came back with other stories of his heroism, always heavily laced with expletives. He reached across the table and took my hand. When he asked if we should do this again, I was taken aback, so stammered, “That would be interesting.” No, we won’t be doing it again.
    • The Obnoxious Ophthalmologist — Ironically, he’s the only man who I didn’t recognize from his photos, yet he complained about women posting 10-year old or 80-pounds ago pics. He said we’d meet at the restaurant, which I thought meant at the reception area. He was in the bar and I waited 10 minutes before checking to see if he might be there. He was barely cordial from the moment I sat down, and made no effort to get the waiter to take my drink order. His demeanor shouted that he was not at all interested in me and could we make this as short as possible. To add insult to injury, he sent a snotty email afterwards. Obviously this doctor had no bedside manner.
    • Mr. Aggressive — He was cuter than his picture. We chatted at the coffee shop, then he asked if I wanted to have dinner. I did. When we walked to find a restaurant, he turned and kissed me. A bit soon, but I was flattered at the same time taken aback. After dinner, I mentioned I liked CSI and it was on that night. He said, “I own a home nearby that is being renovated. Let’s go watch it there.” When I declined, he was insistent, not relenting in his nearly demanding we go there. No, I wouldn’t be going to this guy’s house on the first — nor any — date.
    • The Uneducated College Grad — I wrote about him in “Date turns out to be losing bet.” I should have known from his calls and emails that he wasn’t for me. But I let my self-interest overcome my instinct. His emails and conversation were laced with bad grammar, poor spelling, incorrect word usage, poor pronunciation. When he told me his alma mater, I thought, “If I were the Admissions Office, I’d ban him from telling anyone he’d graduated here.” I understood why he still lived with his mother at age 42.
    • The Overly “Cool” Dude — He was sweet, smart and complimentary on the daily calls and in flirty emails. He said he was very interested in me and hoped it worked out for us, as he could see a future together. When we met, he spent 80% of the time talking about himself, and when I tried to interject, he said, “I’m going to cut you off” and continued to talk about himself. At the white-tablecloth restaurant, he brought his own cheap wine so he wouldn’t have to pay $20 for the $5 bottle. He ate his lamb chops with his hands. Every fifth word was “cool.” He French kissed me within moments of our meeting. No, we will not be having a future together.

    Can you avoid bad first dates? I think you can reduce the possibility considerably by having some email and phone conversations for a few days to a week. If the conversation turns to sex before you’ve even met, then don’t meet him. If he shows he has opposite values than you, don’t bother. There are a number of men I’ve had phone or email conversations with that I then didn’t meet. Not enough interest to invest the hour for coffee, plus time to get ready and drive to and from the coffee shop.

    So don’t be afraid of bad first dates. They happen. My experience is about 10% of the dates fall into this category. Not bad, really. So expect there will be some misses, but don’t linger on them. And don’t share them with your next date, as he’ll wonder what kind of story you’ll tell about him afterwards!

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,

    Got a dating-after-40 topic you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.

  • A different kind of f-buddy

    No, I am not referring to the term most commonly associated with the f-buddy phrase. I have a new meaning for f-buddy — flirt buddy!

    What is a flirt buddy? Someone you can flirt with by email, phone or in person who knows you have no serious intentions. Some of my favorite flirt buddies are married men, whose wives know that their husbands and I flirt.

    One f-buddy even called his wife over to listen to a flirty voice mail I’d left him where I asked if he thought she might allow me to be his “extra” wife since he was so financially smart that I was sure he could afford two. She howled with laughter, saying “That girl has no idea what she’d be in for.”

    Yesterday I had lunch with another, whose wife has not met me but knows a lot about me. He shared that he told her exactly where he’d be and that she could call during lunch if she wanted. She didn’t. She knows he — and she — are safe from any indiscretion with me.

    Several single men have become f-buddies, as we know we are not a good match, but enjoy playing and flirting. They are often the same guys I go to with my, “Can you explain why a guy would…?” questions.

    I think flirting is key to dating, especially when getting to know someone by email and phone. If you can’t flirt — without going over the line — it is hard to show your interest, at least until you meet face to face. If you can flirt, it gives the other a smile and giggle. As long as it’s not smarmy.

    Have trouble knowing how to flirt? See “Flirt your heart out.”

    What do you think of flirt buddies?

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,

    Got a dating-after-40 topic you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.

  • You can tell a lot by your date’s … driving

    I don’t recommend you get in a date’s car until you’ve gone out with him at least three or four times. But when you do, notice how he drives. It will tell you a lot about his personality. Here’s my take on driving habits and what they can tell you.

    • Tailgates — He’s impatient and somewhat reckless. If you say something and he gets defensive, he’s not open to feedback and doesn’t care about your comfort and sense of safety.
    • Swears, complains — If he frequently swears at other drivers or continually complains about traffic, he doesn’t know how to let it go. There’s nothing he can do about traffic, so why complain?
    • Weaves in and out of traffic; cuts in a too-tight space — Impatient, trying to jockey for position. This dangerous habit will gain 1-2 minutes. Who cares — unless you’re going into labor in the car or bleeding all over it!
    • Doesn’t use turn signals — He doesn’t care that his actions have impact on others, so sees no need to communicate what he’s intending. This may be a portent of his lack of communication with you.
    • Goes exactly the speed limit in the fast lane — Even though others are passing him on the right, he insists on staying in the fast lane because “I’m going the speed limit. They can go around.” Can we spell “control”? He justifies this obnoxious behavior because he is “right” and ignores that he is a traffic hazard.
    • Passes people who are in line on exits and on ramps, then squeezes in — No regard for others. Thinks his time is more valuable than others. Takes glee in saying, “What suckers!” as he passes them on the shoulder. This man has problems.
    • Gives others the finger — Lack of anger control, not willing to give others any grace. If he gets anger over something so trivial, what will he get angry at you about?
    • SpedometerSpeeds excessively — Lack of regard for laws, recklessness, trying to show his bravado. He isn’t showing his respect for your safety.
    • Goes through yellow signals at the last minute — Most accidents on city streets happen in intersections. People jump the green and hit those who are in the intersection when it turns red. His disregard for the yellow warning is reckless and self-focused on his desire to not wait the 90-120 seconds for the next green light.
    • Stomps on the gas at green lights — He thinks driving hard shows how manly he is. I think it shows how stupid he is, as he’ll waste more gas, burn through more tires, and possibly get in a wreck with those who, like him, are impatient so blow through yellow lights.
    • Rolls through stop signs — He uses the excuse that, “There’s no one around” to ignore basic traffic laws. This shows he does not understand the concept that character is what you do when no one is around to see.
    • Multitasks — if he tries to drink coffee, eat, talk on the cell phone and change the radio station/CD all at once, he isn’t paying attention to his driving. He will probably multitask with you, as well, not giving your focused time.
    • Honks — there is little need to honk unless there is an immediate danger. Honking to express anger is immature.
    • Shows consideration of others — If he lets in those trying to merge and generally is considerate of others, he’ll probably show consideration for you as well.
    • Drives safely — He’s showing he respects his, yours and others’ lives. He is conscientious and alert. He may desplay those characteristics in his relationship with you.

    If he is riding in your car, you can tell a lot about him, too.

    • He tells you where to turn, even though you’re familiar with the area — If he doesn’t ask if you’d like his assistance, this is the sign of a control freak. If you say something, his response will be, “I’m just trying to help.” He doesn’t realize that you don’t want his help unless you ask.
    • He tells you where to park — He is treating you like a child who can’t see a parking place on your own. There is a difference, however, between “Park there” and “There’s an empty one over there.” One is a demand and the other is a suggestion. If you want his help finding a space, ask.
    • He unjustifiably finds fault with your driving — “You’re such an old-lady driver,” “Just pass this idiot,” or “Can’t you go faster?” Tell him to shut his trap unless there’s a danger or you ask for his opinion or help.

    What else have you learned about your date by driving with him?

    Technorati Tags: dating Internet, dating online, senior dating, bbw dating, mature dating, dating over 50, dating over 40, online dating advice

    Got a dating-after-40 topic you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.

  • “If you’ve got it, flaunt it!”

    This was a favorite saying from my mother. Ironically, she was one of the most prudish women I’ve ever known, so she wasn’t talking about flaunting your physical attributes. However, we are going explore when to do that.

    You, no doubt, know what of your physical characteristics men find most appealing. You have to decide when to flaunt what you have.

    For example, one would think that if you have great legs or nice cleavage, you should accentuate those on the first date. However, it depends on what youmicro-mini skirt are looking for in a man. If you want someone who salivates at the site of you, then perhaps a micro-mini skirt or a low-cut blouse would be just the ticket. However, if you don’t want to have to fight him off all night, or are looking for a man who wants to know you beyond your physical attributes, then perhaps toning it down on the first date is in order.

    You can still show your assets, just not all of your assets. Exotic dancers know it is much more alluring to not show everything when they come on stage. They reveal their attributes slowly, to keep the audience interested.

    So if you have great legs, by all means don’t cover them in a long skirt or pants. Wear an above-knee length skirt, but not one that shows too much leg. If you have great cleavage, a hint will do the trick, not a plunge-to-your navel blouse that has become so popular now. Subtlety is much more enticing.

    If you have great hair, make sure it is clean and coiffed, and don’t hide it in a bun. If you have beautiful eyes, wear make up that pulls attention to them. If you have nice hands, ensure your nails are clean and buffed or polished. Great waist? Don’t hide it under a bulky sweater, but accentuate it with a smart belt.

    And speaking of smart, when do you flaunt your intellect? Don’t try to show how smart you are by arguing with him, but keep up your side of the conversation. Share your knowledge in context of the topic. Ask probing, but not interrogatory, questions. In “Do you hide your ‘light’ from a date?” I discuss not hiding your intellectual strengths from your guy.

    Share some examples of how you flaunt your assets without going overboard.

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,

    Got a dating-after-40 topic you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.

  • What you perceive is what you receive

    I’ve adapted a folk tale to dating. It goes like this:

    On the outskirts of town, an older woman was gardening next to the road when a stranger pulls up and leans out her window.

    “Hello there. I’m headed to your town to see if it would be a good place to resettle. I’m single and am looking for a place to find some guys to take me out. Tell me, what kind of single men live in this town?”

    “What kind of single men were there in the place you came from?”

    “What kind? Cheatin’, lyin’, two-timing, self-absorbed, immature, sex-obsessed jerks. I couldn’t find one who was worth having a second date with they were such losers.”

    “Well,” responded the gardener, “I reckon those are the kind of single men you’ll find here.”

    The stranger drove on, shaking her head as she called to the gardener, “Men are cads all over. All the good ones are taken or gay!”

    The gardener went back to tending her flowers. A few hours later another woman pulls up. The driver gets out of the car.

    “Good afternoon, ma’am. What a beautiful garden you have. I’m wondering if I might interrupt you a moment to ask you a question.”

    “Sure,” says the gardener.

    “I’m considering moving to your town. I’m single and am wondering what kind of single men are around these parts. What can you tell me about them?”

    “Well,” the gardener began, “what kind of single men were there in the place you came from?”

    “Oh, there were many wonderful men. I went out with some lovely, intelligent, thoughtful, fun guys, many of whom have become treasured friends. I hated to leave, as there were so many interesting guys to do things with. I wish I could have stayed, but I was transferred to this area and the opportunity was too good to turn down. I was having a great time, though, meeting some good, charming guys.”

    As she clipped a particularly beautiful rose the gardener said, “I reckon those are the kind of single men you’ll find here.”

    “Thank you, ma’am. I know I’m going to like living here. I appreciate your input.”

    As she turned to leave, the gardener presented her with the rose.

    (Adapted from “The Woman Who Walked to Paradise” by Robert Stevens Fish.)

    Technorati Tags:,,,,, ,

    Got a dating-after-40 topic you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.

  • Does your date nourish your mind?

    Mark SanbornIn a recent article, my friend professional speaker extraordinaire Mark Sanborn wrote about relationships. He said, “Some of my best relationships … challenge me intellectually and spiritually. Scott Peck believed that love was about the commitment to another’s growth, and that makes sense to me.”

    I agree! I find potential suitors’ conversations uninteresting that mostly discuss the weather. If I try to take the conversation deeper and he doesn’t want to go there, that is a good sign this guy isn’t for me. I can give him grace if he says he’s tired and doesn’t want to think that hard, but if he doesn’t ever want to discuss anything thought provoking, I’m not willing to spend my time that way.

    During the 2.5 hour drive with the golf addict, he was complaining about the traffic. Since there was nothing we could do about the traffic, I said, “Let’s play a game. My mastermind group did this interesting exercise. We each listed 5 books, CDs and DVDs that we’d want to have if we were stranded on a desert island — with enough batteries to keep the DVD/CD player going. What would be some of your choices?” He said he didn’t want to think that hard.

    This wasn’t the first (nor last) time he’d avoided a conversation that required more than “reporting” (weather, work, etc.).

    I love it when I can discuss topics that get me to think and perhaps change my perspective. I don’t like obnoxious, in-your-face discussions, but ones that are sane and rational and you can be heard without being treated like you’re an idiot for thinking a certain way. And I like hearing perspectives that are different than my own.

    However, some people don’t look for that in a date. They just want to have a good time, which for some, apparently means talking about things that I find uninteresting and unimportant. Of course, there is always a certain amount of “How was your day?” kind of conversation in any close relationship. But if that is the main course of conversation, it is like subsisting on only sugar. It is mind-numbing when your body really wants — perhaps craves — more nutritious nourishment.

    And what about what Mark says Scott Peck believed, that love is about the commitment to another’s growth? Do you believe that? I do. I want my partner to help me grow and I want a partner who is open to my encouraging and supporting him to grow. That doesn’t mean we nag each other when we see a habit we don’t like. It means we share what we want to work on and tell the other how s/he can support us in making changes. It also means s/he celebrates with us when we make those changes or experience growth.

    What’s your expectation about your guy and growth?

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,

    Got a dating-after-40 topic you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.

  • Emotional unavailability

    Many of the women I’ve talked to say they’ve dated men who were emotionally unavailable. I realized I’m not sure how to tell if a guy is emotionally available or not. So I did a little research.

    An article at Neil Rosenthal’s Heart Relationships site listed a number of ways to tell if someone is emotionally unavailable. After reading the list, I would say that a good deal of the men I’ve gone out with had at least one sign!

    So does this mean that I attract men who are emotionally unavailable, or there is an inordinate percentage of the unattached men — at least listed on dating sites — who have this affliction? If the latter, is this why they are single?

    One of the signs Rosenthal lists is, “They’re too busy, sick, tired or preoccupied with other things. Their energy, time and life-force are all taken with other priorities.” Many midlife people — both men and women — seem to have already full lives. In “Dating takes time” I talked about how surprised I have been with men who profess to want to date, yet have a hard time fitting in dinner or a movie between work, kids, parents, working out, friends, and other life maintenance. So is this lack of time for establishing a relationship because of their overextended lives, or because of emotional unavailability?

    And how do we know that we aren’t the ones who are emotionally unavailable? What are the signals that you are emotionally available?

    What are the signs you’ve seen that point to emotional unavailability? Share them in a comment so we can learn from your experience.

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,

    Got a dating-after-40 topic you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.

  • Disposable dating

    We live in a disposable society, where instead of fixing something, it is often easier and cheaper to throw it out and get a new one. Sometimes it appears this applies to dating as well.

    With Internet dating, there seems to be a steady supply of potential suitors. Even if you don’t get contacted frequently, you can always search by your criteria and email as many men as you want. And some will respond.

    So rather than trying to “fix” a budding relationship with frank talks, it seems much easier to just throw it out and get a new one. No fuss, no muss. Start anew. Get a fresh model.

    When one depended on meeting someone at work, the gym, through mutual activities or friends, people seemed to work a bit harder on relationship hiccups. Now that your love life can change with the click of a mouse, people are more inclined to jettison someone who isn’t initially a fit. I know I’ve done this, reasoning why waste time trying to “fix” someone who doesn’t want to be fixed. Move on to someone who’s closer to what you’re looking for.

    recycleI’ve moved on from all the men I’ve dated so far. I’ve recycled them back into the dating bin for another woman to discover. Just as garage sales are full of junk for the seller and treasures for the right buyer, so is the dating pool. Just because he’s not right for you doesn’t mean he won’t be perfect for another.

    So while I believe in working on relationships that have a great deal of potential, I also believe in recycling — men!

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,

    Got a dating-after-40 topic you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.

  • Teed off by weekend getaway with golf addict

    golf ball on teeIn “Before agreeing to a weekend getaway, clarify expectations,” I told you of a weekend “romantic” getaway with a man I’d seen occasionally over seven months. A week before the outing, he sprang on me that he planned to golf Saturday. I was not pleased, but was willing to be a good sport, under the premise (and promise) that we’d spend time together doing other activities.

    The weekend’s opening act didn’t bode well. When he picked me up from the airport, there was no hug or kiss. He scurried to throw my luggage into his trunk and turned to get back in the car. I caught him and kissed him on the cheek. No stopping for an embrace or a lip lock.

    The 90-minute drive to the resort took 2.5 hours in heavy traffic. The resort was nice, but offered no other sport options but golf.

    After we checked in I thought we’d have dinner in the restaurant, since earlier in the week he said we’d dine out on Friday. Instead, he said we’d have room service. I guess since we were out of his apartment, that was “out” in his mind! But I’m flexible. He’d had a hard week. We watched TV until he fell asleep.

    Sat., he got up early for his tee time. Before he left I confirmed he’d be back between 11:00 and noon. He said, yes, he would. I busied myself with a walk, checking email, chatting with the concierge, and reading. I made sure I was back in the room by eleven.

    He returned nearly an hour late, without letting me know. When I told him I’d expected him by noon, he said he’d told me it would be closer to 1:00. Hmmm, I had no memory of that information. We drove to a nearby town for lunch. Back in the room, he took a nap. I took a walk. Since we had a big lunch we didn’t want much dinner, so we snacked while watching an in-room movie.

    Sunday it rained. He said if it hadn’t, he would have golfed. That would have been cause for a pointed discussion about why he bothered to bring me on this getaway.

    Arriving back at his apartment, he turned on the TV to watch … golf! I went for a walk. I was taking a lot of walks by myself this weekend. When I returned, the tournament was over so I told him there were several movies nearby that I wanted to see and their start times. He said we should see if there was a TV movie to watch, and found one — featuring golf! I read while he watched it. We watched TV from opposite sides of the couch the rest of the evening.

    So the weekend with this golf addict shanked. He had no concept of how to be flexible and do some of what I wanted, although I felt I was clear. He did what he would have done if I hadn’t been there, and he didn’t give a nanosecond of thought to what I might like to do or how to make me happy during this rare weekend together. I could have made more of a ruckus, but when I did say what I wanted or made suggestions, he ignored me or chose to do something else. I used this time as an experiment to see if he thought at all of my enjoyment or only his own.

    I hit this guy out of bounds — where he’s staying.

    What did I learn?

    • Clarify your expectations ahead of time. Ask about possible activities to be done singly and together.
    • In any weekend getaway, some alone time is not a bad thing. However, if the weekend is to help you get to know each other better, spending too much time on individual activities does not accomplish this goal.
    • Watching TV together can be a way to relax and snuggle. But if it dominates the time you are together, you’re not getting to know each other at all.
    • Trust your intuition. I used this weekend as a bit of a test to see if he was more thoughtful than he seemed on the phone. I needed some final evidence to convince myself to let him go. He ended up being less considerate than the last time we saw each other. I was hoping he would be more thoughtful, but now I knew that is not who he is or how he thinks. So I’ve released him for some other woman who has different needs than mine — and who golfs!

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,

    Got a dating-after-40 topic you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.

  • When lost baggage is a good thing

    We all carry some baggage — as in emotional baggage — when we date and enter new relationships. We all schlep some from past hurts with lovers, parents or others who were influential. Sometimes we haul hurts inflicted by strangers.

    Dalai lamaI’m a little wary when a potential suitor says he has no emotional baggage. Unless he is the Dalai Lama, but I bet even he would say he has some (being the enlightened being that he is).

    I’ve borrowed a phrase I read in some wise man’s profile, “I’ve gotten my baggage down to carry on size.” I love this as it says you know that we all have baggage and that while much of yours is released, you know you still have some lingering issues to work through.

    baggage.jpgThe challenge is to be aware of the baggage you have left to release and make your partner aware of it, too. Then he can know if your reaction is to him specifically, or to some past pain.

    Some people think they don’t have baggage, so don’t know there’s anything left to release. If you get upset about something trivial, like traffic, bad drivers, someone a few minutes late, then you have baggage. You need to work through why these minor irritations cause you strife. No doubt, it’s linked to something in childhood where you felt you weren’t understood, were dismissed, humiliated, or felt unloved.

    Start noticing and perhaps logging, what triggers you on your dates. If he’s late, do you make that mean he’s a flake and disrespects you? If so, that’s baggage. The truth could be he got caught in traffic or just didn’t plan well enough. Start noticing and losing your baggage — on purpose.

    Technorati Tags:,,,,,,,

    Got a dating-after-40 topic you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.