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I wish it weren’t so, but I’ve found that there are some questions I would have never thought to ask, that in retrospect, I would have been better off asking.

I’m not sure I’d have the guts to really ask them, as who would have ever thought it would be necessary? But I’ve found that even midlife men with good jobs sometimes have forgotten (or never learned?) some basics.

Here’s what I wish I had asked:

• Are you married or living with someone?
  While I have no proof that anyone I’ve gone out with was either, I became suspicious of one who wouldn’t allow me to visit his home, even after seeing each other for 6 months. There were no other indicators that he had another woman, but it would probably be best to ask. Some women make this a standard practice on the first date when they’d like there to be a second.
• Do you live with one or both parents? Grandparent(s)?
  I’ve gone out with two men over 40 who I later learned lived at home. It would be one thing if they took in their parent who needed assistance. But both these men were still living in their able-bodied parent’s home.
• Do you generally think people are good?
  I went out with a guy who I discovered made racist, ageist, weightist comments constantly. He continually called people idiots and morons and got testy with waiters and retail staff. This was so off-putting, I quickly ended our seeing each other.
• Do you have a car?
  While in some metropolitan areas it is folly to have a car, where I live it is nearly a requirement. I don’t envision myself taking the bus on a date or always taking my car. I’m not fussy about what kind of car he drives, but unless he has a medical condition that prevents him from driving, a car shows responsibility.
• Are you taking medication for emotional issues? Physical issues?
  I am surprised that this has come up more often than I would have thought, especially the medications for emotional issues. I want to know what is going on with someone so I can better understand their behaviors. It’s fine that someone is taking medication for whatever reason, I just want to have the full picture.

Now we come to personal grooming and cleanliness habits. Again, you couldn’t really ask these, but it is sad when you discover their habits so radically different than yours.

• Do you clean out and wash your car at least once a month?
  Spent fast food containers littering the car are smelly and ugly. And washing the outside every so often shows pride in ownership.
• Do you clean your house more than once a year?
  I went out with a lovely man for a while and was taken aback when I visited his home. The cobwebs in every corner were as thick as ropes. Going barefoot was uncomfortable because of all the debris on the floor.
• Do you bathe more than once every 3 days?
  Yep, I went out with a highly educated man who I discovered only showered once every three days. Yuck!
• Do you brush your teeth more than once a day?
  I brush after every meal, which I realize is a bit fastidious and most people don’t. But when working, I interact closely with people and want to have fresh breath. A guy who only brushes once a day doesn’t.
• Do you wear clean underwear every day?
  The non-daily showerer also didn’t believe one needed to put on fresh undies each day.
• Do you wear ironed clothes?
  The rumpled look has no appeal.
• Do you buy your clothes anywhere other than Goodwill and thrift stores?
  Occasional thrift store treasures can be fun. But if that is the only place you buy your clothes when you can afford more, there is a problem.

If you are able to figure out how to ask these last questions without it sounding insulting, let me know!

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I told an out-of-town guy I’d been seeing occasionally for 7 months that I was coming to his area for business. He said, “Why don’t you stay for the weekend and we can go away somewhere?” That sounded good to me. Since although we talked daily, we hadn’t seen each other in 3 months, I was envisioning a romantic get away.

“Sounds good. Where will we go?”

“There’s a resort I like about 90 minutes from my place. It’s beautiful there.”

Now it sounded even better. I made my flight arrangements.

A week before the trip, I asked, “So I know what to pack, what activities do you imagine we will be doing?”

“We’ll have dinner Friday, then I’m playing golf on Saturday.”

“Really?” I asked incredulously. This was the first mention of golf, and since he knows I’m not a golfer I asked, “And what shall I do while you golf?”

“Anything you want!”

So this “romantic” weekend was really an excuse for him to play golf and me to tag along. While I am perfectly capable of entertaining myself, I was taken aback my his cavalier attitude. He clearly didn’t see any problem with him taking nearly a day out of our short tryst to go off on his own.

I’d asked the “And what shall I do while you golf?” question to see if he’d given any thought to his leaving me out of his Sat. plans. Clearly, he had not. If he had, he would have responded with something like, “You could have a massage at the spa, work out, go shopping, read by the pool. There are lots of activities onsite that you enjoy. I’ve asked the concierge to give us a map and list of local activities if you want to explore the town in my car. And they have a special spa day package I’m happy to give you if you want to do that while I golf.”

Or I would have felt differently if he’d broached it by saying, “I know we’ll only have a few days together and we haven’t seen each other for a long time. I’m looking forward to spending time with you. However, I have one favor to ask. Would you mind terribly if I took an early tee time on Sat., as this resort has one of my favorite courses? I’d be back to take you to a great lunch and do anything you want together the rest of the day. And you’re welcome to use my car if you want to tour the town that morning.”

I realize I should have asked more of the “What do you envision us doing?” questions when he first tendered the invitation. Then I would have known what his idea of a weekend getaway together was, and could have had input then or declined the invitation.

I toyed with confronting him with my being taken aback. But the more I thought about it, I felt that this was to be the make-or-break weekend. I wanted to see how he thought about me, us and how he behaved without input or guidance from me. While I believe in speaking up and being clear on what you want, a guy has to have some basic values that you like, without your continually guiding him, or you’ll feel like a nag. Inclusiveness, consideration and thoughtfulness seem pretty basic, don’t they?

I own that it was my expectation that this was to be a romantic weekend. I made that assumption without asking about his expectations, either. So we both made assumptions without clarifying them with the other.

I’ll tell you the outcome of this story in another posting.

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My friend Randy Gage has a new book, Why You’re DUMB, SICK, and BROKE … and How to Get SMART, HEALTHY, and RICH! While it is an interesting, well-written, thought-provoking text on how to live a more prosperous life, this passage on love stood out for me.

Love is an expression of your self-esteem, and an expression of your deepest values. You fall in love with someone who shares these values. And if you truly do love someone, it means they bring happiness to your life….

In a healthy relationship, you choose the person you love, and you fall in love with them because they bring happiness to your life. This is the highest compliment and honor you can ever pay another human being….

Does he mean it is an honor to love someone or to be loved? I think both. I think you honor someone by loving him/her. And you honor another by accepting his/her love.

When dating, it takes time to get to “love.” But you can honor your date by your attention, focus, kindness, sensitivity, and thoughtfulness. And you can honor him by accepting the same from him. As Randy says, this is an expression of your self-esteem — to both give and receive maturely, graciously, and respectfully.

Of course, this is not a guarantee of long-term happiness with him. But if you can both give and receive generously, your self-esteem will be high, which will guarantee long-term happiness with you.

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Sometimes when a man wants to get closer physically, he’ll offer you a shoulder or back massage, or he’ll just start kneading your shoulders. If you respond positively, he’ll continue.

Watch out for this ploy. This happens so often, I’d swear it is taught in a “how to seduce women” class. So catch on quickly. It is often a way to get you to undress or into bed. Here’s how it goes.

Him: You seem tense. Would you like a shoulder massage?

You: Yes, thank you. That would be great. I do feel stressed.

Him: (Massaging your shoulders) Your shoulders do seem tight. I can feel knots.

You: (Closing your eyes) That feels so good. Ummm.

Him: (Working down your back). Good. I can feel knots down here too. Can I unhook your bra to get under the strap?

You: Sure.

Him: (After a few minutes he pulls your top out of your pants and massages your back directly) How’s this?

You: Great. You have good hands.

Him: Why don’t you lie on the couch (or floor or bed) so I can have better leverage.

You: (Complying) Okay.

Him: (After a few minutes) You know, I could do a better job if I didn’t have to wrestle with your blouse. Can you take it off?

You: (Trustingly) Sure.

That’s the beginning of the end. Soon he begins kissing your shoulders and back, massaging your butt and legs, then under your pants, then he takes those off too. You’re now deeper than you imagined, all from the naiveté that a shoulder massage will be just that. Just as the frog got cooked by small increments in the slowly boiling water, you have gotten yourself in hot water by trusting and not saying no to any of the small steps. If you don’t say “no” or “stop” along the way, you are allowing yourself to be seduced a bit at a time.

If you want to be seduced, fine. but if you didn’t think, “I’d love to make love with Mr. X” you’ll find yourself doing more than you’d planned. Just be forewarned so you know the signs along the way and say “stop” any time you don’t want to go forward.

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When we say or hear, “I’d walk over hot coals to…” it shows unwavering commitment. Most of us would love it if a man said he’d walk over hot coals for our kiss!

Well, I’ve walked over a bed of hot coals — but it wasn’t for a man. It was for me. I wasn’t forced to do it. I did it to explode my self-imposed limits. And by doing so, it helped me become the person who can date with enthusiasm, less fear and who my next mate will find irresistible.

When I met my ex I was 28. When we married I was 30. We often talked about how if we’d met 5 years earlier, neither of us would be the person the other would find attractive on an emotional and spiritual level. We hadn’t yet grown into the individuals the other would fall in love with. We had baggage to jettison, anger to release, hearts to open. The five years before we met we each grew so we were ready when we did meet.

When I enrolled in the fire-walking seminar, I knew no one would force me to walk over 12 feet of red-hot coals. Before the seminar, I convinced myself that I was enough of a risk taker that I didn’t really have to walk on the coals. Up to moments before, I was sure I wouldn’t do it. But I had an epiphany that if I didn’t walk the coals, I’d be missing an opportunity to break through some limiting beliefs. With coaching from the staff, I safely walked. The exuberance I felt on the other side was something I’ve rarely experienced.

When I became single, I knew no one would force me to walk into the dating world, rife with potential heart break and pain. I was afraid to get started. A few dating friends gave me some tips, but my friend Caterina Rando convinced me to start walking the dating path by posting a profile. I had to face my fears with every early potential suitors’ email, phone call and initial coffee date. The first time there was a mutual attraction, I was elated.

Are you the person your ideal mate would want to date? Have you worked through any anger, hurt or bitterness from past relationships? Have you resolved any issues around fear of intimacy and trust? Are you convinced you’re a woman your man would be thrilled to meet, date and fall for?

Is there anything you need to work through so your heart will be open to your man? Are you willing to walk over your equivalent of hot coals to get to the you that you love without reservation so he will too? If not, what do you need to do to lose your own baggage?

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This weekend I’m at a 3-day meeting with my all-women mastermind group. Yesterday the airport closed so we are snowed in.

Luckily, we all really like each other or the prospect of being cooped up with four other women might seem unpleasant. But after being with these women for a little more than a day, I was reminded of how important women are in my life — especially with the ups and downs of dating.

Women friends are who most of us complain to about unpleasant experiences with and consternation about men. Women know to say, “He didn’t!” or “How could he?” or “What was he thinking?” Gals know to say, “How did that make you feel?” or “You have every right to be upset,” or “Are you okay?” Not that men friends can’t or don’t ask these questions, but women seem to ask these more easily. It’s usually exactly what we need at the time.

But I realize not all women are on the same wavelength as you at a time of your wanting a supportive ear. I find myself gravitating toward women who don’t just say, “What a loser” to my sharing a story of a date gone sour. I prefer friends who say, “What did you learn?” or “What would you do differently next time?” rather than judging and labeling my potential suitors.

What do you want from your gal pals when you dating experiences? If you hang around with women who start man bashing, it won’t help you in your quest. Carefully choose your confidants. I’m very glad I’ve chosen these 4 women to be part of my circle of friends to share my dating adventures — among other issues — I’m dealing with.