Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

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  • Dating as therapy

    FreudDating books say that dating shouldn’t be used as therapy. In other words, you shouldn’t use your guy to be your sounding board and work through issues as you would with a therapist. In fact, even if he is a therapist — especially if he is a therapist — you shouldn’t expect him to act like he is your therapist.

    That said, I’ve found dating can be good therapy. Some experiences have prompted me to look inward into why I did — or didn’t — do something, or why I was drawn to a guy.

    As fate would have it, I dated a psychiatrist for a while. After the initial few dates, I found him to be controlling and verbally abusive. I stuck with him longer than normal because I saw that his behavior paralleled a relative’s. He was equally as incongruent, sometimes being loving, then moments later saying something to put me down. But I found it cathartic to say to him what I could never say to my relative, “You can’t talk to me that way” and “You need to leave now because treating me that way is unacceptable.” I’d tried for years role playing with various therapists saying things like this to my relative, and nothing ever shifted. But saying them to the crazy psychiatrist was liberating and healing.

    I was not acting like he was my therapist, as his being a psychiatrist was inconsequential. In fact, when he encouraged me to work out with him the issues that he triggered, he got defensive and was a horrible listener.

    Other times I’d look at why something bothered me. I was especially attracted to Dreamboat and he expressed equal attraction to me. Based on our discussions during our few dates, I thought we had a chance at something long term. But he rarely called,  although when we did talk he said he wanted to see me. I felt neglected during the week — or more — in between calls. He said I was welcomed to call him if I wanted to talk. I did a few times, but it felt like I was chasing him when he didn’t reciprocate initiating calls.

    This spawned a look at why daily calls are important to me with a romantic partner. I realized that when my ex left and said, “I don’t think about you when you’re not in the room” it seared a wound in my heart. I decided I deserved a man who thought about me when I wasn’t in his presence. How would I know he did? He’d call and/or email at least once a day.

    When I saw that Dreamboat wasn’t filling my need, even when I told him about it, I understood that he and I weren’t in a relationship, and apparently he had no desire to be in one with me. I could have loosened the daily contact requirement to every other day if it was a hardship for him, but even that didn’t happen. So my gift from him was the trigger to go inside and figure out what was important to me and why. And to communicate it early with someone who seems a prospective long-term beau.

    So you can use dating as a way to go deeper inside and to work through some issues. Best to do this with a trained therapist unless you feel comfortable doing the work with yourself.

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  • Are you a happy dater?

    The other day one of my dearest friends Ellie, asked me how I managed to stay so happy. It’s true that generally I’m a perpetually perky person, but I do have my bouts with unhappiness when faced with setbacks and disappointments. lemonadeI’ve worked hard to reduce the time I spend in a dreary mood when something unpleasant happens. Or if something I’d looked forward to doesn’t materialize. I like to think of myself as the Lemonade Queen, quickly making the quenching drink out of life’s lemons.

    Recently, Rocket Man shared that this was one of the reasons he was drawn to me — I seemed to possess an endless good mood. It made me think about what attracts us to others. Rocket Man is also generally upbeat, rarely complaining about anything — including his divorce or ex — even after the dozen hours we’ve spent talking. It is compelling and refreshing and shows a positive outlook on life.

    Contrast this to Mr. 400Miles who seems to be continually complaining about something: traffic, his job, his coworkers, his golf game, the weather, his son, his ex, his parents. After a kvetch session I asked him, “What do you like about your job?” He said, “There’s plenty I like about my job.” I responded, “I don’t hear about what you like very often.” While it’s important to recruit a vent buddy, it can get wearisome if someone mostly shares complaints.

    I once attended a seminar that encouraged this: “Don’t complain unless it’s to someone who can do something about it.” This negates the common advice that you should vent to someone so you feel better. I say don’t inflict that negative energy on anyone else. If you need to release, sit in your car and let loose. Or write out your frustration. Or if you do choose to vent with a pal, make sure it is less than 10% of your conversation, and first ask him/her if it is OK to vent for 5 minutes.

    It’s easy to get frustrated dating and want to vent. I’ve now gone out with 70 men in the last 2 years and none of them was “the one.” I could focus on what was wrong with all of them, but that wouldn’t help keep me in the hunt with a positive mind set. Sometimes you have to make your own happiness in the face of what others would think would be demoralizing.

    In “I’m glad dating is hard” I mentioned my friend the late Art Berg. While in rehab after a partially paralyzing spinal chord injury (SCI), his doctor kept sending psychiatrists to see him. Art thought it was odd that he was sequestered from other SCI patients. Later, in examining his medical records, he found the reason noted by his doctor: “Excessive happiness.” The doctor felt he laughed too much and was in too good of a mood much of the time. While the doctor thought this was a detriment to his recovery as he interpreted this as denial, Art said it was key to his recovery and subsequent success in life.

    Here’s Art’s recipe for excessive happiness:

    • Happiness is a choice — a choice we make every day.
    • Happiness is not a condition of our circumstances or external influences. It is a state of mind and heart.
    • Happiness comes most often when we focus on solving other people’s pain and problems as opposed to thinking only of our own.
    • Happiness isn’t what we have or who we are. It’s feeling valuable and worthy regardless of our station in life.
    • Happiness is within everyone’s reach.

    Are you a happy dater? Perhaps an excessively happy one? If so, how do you keep yourself up amid rejection and disappointment?

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  • Dating sex questions from a midlife dating freshman to a senior

    My neighbor is just starting dating after a 30-year absence. Two weeks ago she joined a service that matches her and men with comparable intellect, education, income and personality. She’s had dates with three men. She had questions for me — many questions!

    Frosh: “You have been dating a lot longer than I have. I’m a freshman and you’re a senior. Tell me the rules.”

    DG: “There really are no rules. You decide what works for you. You make the rules.”

    Frosh: “There have to be rules.”

    The RulesDG: “There is the book, The Rules.”

    Frosh: “Yes, but it doesn’t cover what I need. I want to know other rules.”

    DG: “About what?”

    Frosh: “Should you kiss on the first date?”

    DG: “Kiss if you want to. If you don’t, and he’s coming in for a lip lock, turn your head so he busses your cheek. When I hear myself think, ‘I want to kiss him,’ it’s a good sign. Sometimes I get kissed by guys without my thinking this, and it can still be good. But it’s better if I know I want to kiss him.”

    Frosh: “When do you have sex?”

    DG: “When it feels like the right time for both of you.”

    Frosh: “On the first date?”

    DG: “If you want. I don’t. In fact, studies show that most men don’t consider a woman a long-term relationship prospect if they sleep together on the first date. Although few turn down the opportunity if she’s willing.”

    Frosh: “See, that’s a rule!”

    DG: “If you want to make it one. Rule 1: No first-date sex. Unless you both just want a one-night stand.”

    Frosh: “What if a man wants to progress faster than you do?”

    DG: “You tell him you’re not ready. In fact, that’s a great phrase I didn’t learn for a while: ‘I’m not ready to go there.’ It works great to slow things down.”

    Frosh: “So what if he wants to go to second or third base and you’re not ready?”

    DG: “You tell him so, while removing his hand and putting it where you are comfortable. If he persists, extricate yourself. ‘I’m not feeling comfortable so I’m going home.’ Or if he’s at your place, ‘I’ve enjoyed our time together, but it’s time for you to go now.’ Be pleasant but firm.”

    Frosh: “I’ve heard there’s a rule for how many dates before you have sex.”

    DG: “There’s not really a rule. Some people say guys have a 3-date rule. If they don’t have sex by the third date, they bail. Greg BehrendtHowever, during the Greg Behrendt show I was on, he said he has a 10-date rule. He thinks people fall into bed too quickly, and they should wait for 10 dates to see if they are compatible enough to have sex. It’s different for everyone, but it is good to talk about it early and see what his expectation is. You may not be ready by the third date. That’s okay. If he’s not willing to wait ’til you’re ready, he’s not for you.”

    Frosh: “Women all have different sexual satisfaction needs. Do guys know that?”

    DG: “Some do. Some don’t. If he’s only been with one woman for 20 or 30 years he learned, I hope, how to satisfy her. Some think that they will try the same techniques with you and seem flummoxed when they don’t create the same results. You need to gently teach him by telling him you like what he’s doing and ask for what you want. If he doesn’t comply or forgets next time, he’s not interested in pleasing you enough to pay attention. Not a good sign.”

    Frosh: “So what you’re really saying is I get to make up the rules?”

    DG: “Exactly. Women hold the power to progress or not. Yes, a guy can pull the plug at any time, but it is the woman who decides when it is okay to move forward. So you need to be present to what you want and how you’re feeling.”

    Frosh: “That’s a rule I would have never known. I thought the guys had the power. I need to think through what I want, and if something is uncomfortable I need to say something. That is very empowering! Thanks!”

    DG: “You’re very welcome. I had to learn all this these past two years, so am glad to pass on some of what I’ve gleaned.”

    Got a question for me? Just write it in a comment.

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  • Getting to know a man through his humor

    A recent press release announced a new dating site, Funny Passions, for “singles with a sense of humor.”

    This strikes me as odd. I’ve never met anyone who thought him/herself humorless. Nearly everyone thinks they have a sense of humor, even if it’s obscure.

    Nixon laughingWhy is this site different? The release says “an entire site focused exclusively on bringing together people who consider a sense of humor to be important in their friendships…and in their romantic relationships.” Doesn’t everyone think humor is important to their relationships? So what’s the big deal here?

    The release says they bring together like-humored folks, “a few of the groups on the site are Amateur Comedian, British Humor, Camp, Dry Sense of Humor, Political Humor, Sarcastic, Slapstick, Twisted and Life of the Party…. It will be easier to find others who can make them laugh, and who ‘get their jokes’. While everyone enjoys a good laugh, it’s also great when you find others who you can make laugh.”

    While I agree that laughing and making others laugh is important, laughter is not the only thing that determines compatibility. In “He makes you laugh — is that enough?” I talk about how a man’s ability to make you laugh can block out deal breakers if you let it. One man I met online makes me laugh like no other. Yet we are not a match in other areas. We have transitioned to friends so we can enjoy the parts of each other we like, and not get irritated with the parts that make us not a match.

    Humor can be a way to avoid talking about deeper, serious topics. If someone is always making a crack when you’re trying to be soulful, it can get annoying. I wonder, “What’s he hiding? Is he uncomfortable talking about this?” I’ll ask if he’s uneasy, and if he still tries to hide behind humor, I know we’re not a match.

    Humor is sometimes an attention-getting device. Think of the class clown — s/he got a lot of attention from being funny. I know that was part of my motivation for taking that role. But if someone is not willing to relinquish the spotlight — if he is always “on” — it can get old.

    Also, if he doesn’t laugh at your attempts at humor, it shows that it’s all about him being the focus. Humor can be a form of control. He likes it when he makes you laugh. If you can get someone to do something involuntarily, it is a powerful position. Why do comedians get paid so much? Because they let us leave our worries behind in a pleasurable way. They make us laugh.

    I look for the tone of the humor. If it is focused on making fun of others, it can be a form of aggression. If his cracks make fun of you, it can be a way to express anger that he doesn’t know how to communicate openly and maturely. Humor, at someone else’s expense, can be abuse.

    Not to say funny people are self-centered powermongers and control freaks. But in excess, this can be true.

    Woody AllenI like occasional self-deprecating humor, but if all the jokes are Woody-Allen like, it can be a sign of low self-esteem. I like people who are confident and humble. People who can laugh at themselves, but not always putting themselves down.

    Would you join Funny Passions? Why or why not?

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  • “What are you wearing?”

    I’ve been asked this on the phone by more than one potential suitor. Sometimes he’s met me, but more often he hasn’t. I’ve decided it’s part of the fantasy he’s creating.

    What does he want me to say? The truth — gardening togs? Baggy sweats and warm socks? Flannel nightie and fuzzy slippers? I tried telling the truth and noticed the conversation deflated.

    So now I play. “Nothing,” I’ll reply to see his response. There is usually some incredulousness. Sometimes I say, “What do you want me to be wearing?” After he tells me I say, “How did you guess?” I give him what he wants to hear — and imagine. 🙂

    A male friend says since most men are visual, they want to imagine you in Mariah Careysomething sexy and slinky. From Victoria’s Secret. My pal says I should respond, “A black lace teddy,” or “a red silk negligee” — as if many women actually lounge around the house alone in such attire. I’m sure some do, as I read Mariah Carey claims to. None of my midlife women friends do.

    I think women rarely ask this question of a guy because we don’t really want to hear “sweats” or “shorts and a t-shirt.” If we’re interested in him, most of us, I think, want to imagine the guy in a nice shirt and slacks, well-fitting jeans and polo shirt, silk boxers, or whatever floats your boat. So best not to ask if you don’t want to know the truth.

    Have you been asked what you’re wearing? If so, what do you respond? Have you asked a guy what he’s wearing? Why?

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  • Are you a “Let’s Make a Deal” type of dater?

    Let’s Make a DealDo you remember the TV show, “Let’s Make a Deal“? TV.com describes it as “a game of intuition, skill, luck, decision making and greed…all mixed into one.” Sounds like dating, doesn’t it? Maybe not the greed part, unless a gold digger is involved.

    I was thinking about this show as I was comparing several men I’d met online and deciding who to release and who to keep seeing. It reminded me of host Monty Hall offering contestants the opportunity to trade their winnings for whatever was behind doors number 1, 2 or 3. Often they didn’t know what their current prize was — say a wallet filled up to $10,000 cash. Nor did they know what was hidden behind various doors, boxes and curtains being offered for exchange. Monty made the choice harder by sharing the big prize hidden behind one of the doors. Maybe it was behind the door you chose.

    Or perhaps it would be a “zonk” — giant shoes, a goat, rusting 19th-century appliances, a washtub for each day of the week, 1 ton of watermelons, a giant rocking horse, sequin-covered garbage cans, etc.

    So it is with dating. When dating someone early on, you really don’t know what “prize” you have in hand as you don’t yet know him very well. But the Siren call of the never-ending stream of online potential suitors is alluring. Interesting men regularly appear in your in-box winking, flirting, or emailing. At some point you have to decide whether to keep the “prize” you already have or exchange him for a tempting, but unknown, “prize.” Or at least he appears tempting behind the email veil. Occasionally, he’s a zonk.

    Of course that is why some of us multi-date. Then we can take a peek at both (or more) prizes simultaneously. You can see which one is most valuable (most like what you want) before you let go of the lessor-desirable one.

    I know, this is offensive to some people. They feel you don’t really give one guy a chance if you are seeing two (or more) concurrently. Some feel you are trying to have your cake and eat it too. Some label a woman who multi-dates as slutty.

    Since I do it, I don’t think it’s offensive or slutty. It is a form of hedging your bets. A savvy gambler always hedges her bets so she is more likely to take home some winnings rather than wager on only one option and leave empty handed. Unless she feels it is a sure bet — which is when you decide a man has the potential to be a long-term partner. Then you don’t bet on others.

    Are you a “Let’s Make a Deal” type of dater? Do you balance two or more men to hedge your bets? If not, what is your feeling about those who do?

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  • Do you need your sexual pilot light lit?

    Sex & the Seasoned WomanIn an interview with Gail Sheehy about her book Sex & The Seasoned Woman she talks about having “a pilot-light lover — a transitional figure who comes into a mid-life woman’s life and reawakens her excitement about sex and love. He usually doesn’t last. He’s not a keeper, but she has to celebrate his role in her life because he makes her feel womanly again. Then she’s ready for the next phase.”

    Mine was not a pilot-light lover, but someone who reminded me that I was still sexy and desirable. Four months after my ex left I was still reeling from the pain of feeling discarded. I’d thought we had a loving, passionate relationship so his leaving left me doubting my view of the world and myself.

    At a party with colleagues, in walked a tall drink of water. Good looking and athletic, I hadn’t seen him before. I was drawn to him immediately. As luck would have it, he took the chair next to me so we began to chat.

    He was smart, funny, and seemed focused only on me. He knew of me, although I didn’t know him, so he discussed my work and accomplishments. I was flattered to get this much attention from such a good-looking, charming guy. We openly flirted. The conversations and images of those around us faded until it felt that it was just the two of us in the room.

    After a while, all the guests crowded into the living room to sing happy birthday. I made a short detour so when I arrived no seats were left. He motioned for me to share his chair. It felt so wonderful to be so close to a sexy, attentive man that I didn’t want to get up even though it was extremely uncomfortable balancing on a small chair with him.

    We talked for hours. By the end of the day I was enamored. His long, delicious good-bye hug made me sure he’d call me within 24 hours. He didn’t. When he did call, he asked me for some business advice. I saw that he was not interested in me romantically, but only as a business pal. I’d deluded myself that this 10-year-younger man was a potential beau. Now we are good friends and continue our flirting, as well as share dating stories.

    flameI am grateful for him rekindling a passion that I’d let hibernate after my marriage broke up. As I got to know him, I saw we wouldn’t make a good couple. But fantasizing about him helped ignite my pilot light.

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  • Cleaning out the suitors

    Sometimes too much of a good thing is not wonderful, as Mae West said it was. Instead it can be time consuming.  Too many potential suitors can mean it’s time to release some back into the dating pool.

    Today I had dates with two new guys — one for lunch, one for coffee. Additionally, I talked to Mr. 400Miles for a few minutes, Rocket Man for 2.5 hours, and had a message from Zen Man. I need to clean a few guys off my plate.

    Lunch Guy is smart, interesting, and took early retirement from his job. Now he does volunteer work, sings in a choir, sails and reads. He lives an hour away from me and I just didn’t feel a spark. I wrote him a nice email that he was a great guy but I don’t see that we have enough in common for a relationship.

    Coffee Guy is also smart, interesting, articulate and nice. He lives in my neighborhood and at the end of our 90 minutes together he said, “Let me know if you want to have dinner sometime.” I most likely won’t, but will invite him to be a pal since he only lives a few blocks away.

    I will call Zen Man back tomorrow and tell him I think it’s best we be just friends.

    Mr. 400Miles still calls me nearly every day, but our calls are pretty perfunctory since he mostly calls from work when he only has a few minutes in between meetings. I enjoyed the few times we’ve been together, but I don’t have enough experience with him to know if it could develop into something else. We’ve grown to know each others’ lives pretty well, but nothing deep about how the other feels about life, and more importantly about each other. I know I should release him back into the dating pool, but this one is hard to do, as we’ve talked daily for 6 months, but only seen each other twice.

    And Rocket Man — I need to actually meet him to decide if he’s a keeper. But so far, we’ve talked about things no other man has seemed to be interested in. I love our conversations, which is why we talk so long. He’s planning on coming to see me next week, in between gigs to blow things up.

    Juggling several men can be fun and exciting. But it can also be time consuming and confusing — especially if you forget who you told what to. But when it’s clear you’re not a good match, best to release him so he can find someone who is. I know, I haven’t taken my own advice on this about Mr. 400Miles, but I will find a way to let him know very soon.

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  • Dating’s revolving door

    revolving doorSome of my friends tease me about the revolving door of my dating life. It is true that men come and go through my life, some rather quickly, others lingering longer. (See “They come, they go.”)

    My pals have asked “Why? Why don’t more men stick around?” Good question. Some have. But I think I’ve become more discerning, so after a few dates I am a better judge about whether someone has stickiness or not.

    Recently, after 6 times together, I decided that someone wasn’t for me. His conversation revealed more paranoid and limited thinking than I like being around. There had been hints of that before, but in the sixth encounter it was solidified. So time to release him to hook up with someone more on his wavelength.

    That’s how it happens. One of both of us decide the other isn’t right and we let the other go. Ideally, no hard feelings. Just, “We aren’t a match.” And hopefully, “I wish you well.”

    And soon another enters the turnstile.

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  • Do you hide your “light” from a date?

    A gal pal asked me, “How do your dates respond to your accomplishments?”

    I responded, “Most don’t know about them.”

    “Really? Why not?”

    “Because I don’t tell them.”

    “Why?”

    “First of all, it’s not like I’m a Nobel laureate, Supreme Court judge, Academy Award nominee or brain surgeon. My accomplishments pale compared to other people I know.

    “Secondly, some men are intimidated by my resume, even though I know others who have a much more impressive one. I don’t want to start out with someone being threatened. So I don’t bring up anything I think would be intimidating — at least generally not on the first date.

    “Thirdly, I find it off putting when a guy recites his resume on the first date. It’s okay if something comes up in context of the conversation, say he comments, ‘I got used to feeling dumb when I felt I was the dumbest Rhodes scholar that year…’ or ‘When I was at Harvard, they had these silly hazings…’

    “And fourth, some people would think I’m rich based on what they read on my web site. I’m not. I don’t want a gold digger.”

    hide light“But you’re hiding your light under a bushel.”

    Metaphorically she’s right. I hide a bit of who I am at first. I am not meaning to be dishonest, but I dole out parts of who I am — including warts — as I get to know someone. I need to trust that he likes me for my personality, not only for my accomplishments. Of course I could argue that these make up a big part of who I am.

    Rocket Man said he was at first intimidated by my web page listing of accomplishments. This from an Academy Award winning special effects producer who’s called a legend in the industry. He’s intimidated by me? We identify ourselves at some level by our achievements, even if we don’t flaunt them.

    So if your accomplishments are integral to who you are, why hide them? I think we don’t want to drive someone away. We don’t want to seem that we are boasting. And we don’t want to be perceived as way beyond the other’s status. The truth is, achievements don’t always translate into economic assets. In fact, some say there is an “Oscar curse” where recipients have trouble getting work after winning, as others think they are too expensive for their projects.

    Do you hide your “light” — your accomplishments — from dates? If so, when do you let out shafts of your light for him to see? If you do hide some of your light, why?

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  • What’s your definition of romance?

    Often men say they are romantic in their online dating profiles. I’ve learned this means different things to different people. One may think that calling every day is romantic, while the other is expecting regular cards, letters, and candle-lit dinners.

    Greg GodekIt seems men and women often have different concepts of romance. This is so common, my friend Greg Godek has spawned an empire writing books on how to be romantic starting with 1001 Ways to 1001 Ways to Be RomanticBe Romantic. I’m not sure how many men read these books, or if they are just purchased by their mates and left in obvious places where she hopes he’ll read a few pages.

    I’ve thought that any man truly interested in a woman he’s met online would move to the head of the queue if he single red rosebrought just a single red rose to the first date. Corny? Perhaps. But I think men underestimate how such a gesture endears him to her. In fact, I think generally men underestimate how flowers of any kind melt most women’s hearts. I’ve only received flowers from two men out of 68 — one bouquet on a first date and an arrangement on my 50th birthday.

    One evening while talking to a man I hadn’t met yet although we’ve spent hours on the phone, I mentioned I hadn’t had dinner. He said if he lived closer, he’d come fix me dinner or take me out. Later I thought it would be romantic if in that situation again, a guy called my local Chinese restaurant and had something delivered.

    Or, again in a situation where we haven’t met yet, but are getting close by phone, wouldn’t it be heart-melting for him to send flowers? What would it cost — $25? — probably what he spent on lunch with pals. But the benefits would be many times greater than the cost.

    As I discussed in “Instead of roses, he gives you ..lingerie,” some men think romance includes gifts and doing things for the woman he’s wanting to woo. This can be great — if they are gifts the woman appreciates. And I think women also show affection by doing things she thinks her guy will like.

    How do women show romance? I think women are more prone to light candles, draw bubble baths, send greeting cards and chill champagne glasses. Early in our courtship, I brought my ex flowers — something he said no other woman had ever done. After years of marriage, I put little love notes in his jacket and slacks’ pockets when he was packing for a trip. He opened them throughout his boutonniere trip when he put his hand in a different outfit’s pocket. When we were attending a formal affair, I always bought him a boutonnière, as I had within days of our meeting when we attended our first formal event together.

    What do you do for your man that you think is romantic? What do you like to receive that you think is romantic?

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